Kranki
Your name is KANKRI VANTAS. You are a staunch advocate for LOWBLOOD RIGHTS, MASCULINISM, HEMO-EGALITARIANISM, and REPARATIONS, among other things. At a young age, you were culled for your MUTANT BLOOD, and now you're forced to live with your CUSTODIAN/ROOMMATE along with your lusus. He has an incredible hunger, which can only be sated by INDUSTRIAL-SIZED BAGS OF ALGAE. He's probably getting pretty hungry, so you should feed him soon.
You have recently uncovered a PLOT by your roommate, which you wholeheartedly intend to meddle with. You don't like being EXCLUDED, and in fact, the idea scares you very deeply, not that you'd ever admit it. Navel-gazing aside, it's high time you start doing what you do best: NETWORKING, SOCIALLY. Your typing style Tends t9 6e 69th calm and serene, if a 6it 9ver-ver69se and unacc9m9dating, and your online handle is cardioGalitarianism.
What will you do?
Kankri, Examine room. ==>
You examine your room. It's a nice room, a repurposed guest bedroom. You measured the exact square-footage and it is in fact completely equal in floorspace to your roommate's room. You are very careful to make sure everything is equal.
On your wall are several posters, all of revolutionary leaders from history, such as CKAARL MARXXX, his immense facial hair bushily gazing down at you. You press a hand longingly to the poster, your eyes growing hazy as you imagine running your hands through that supple beard...
You look away, snapping out of it.
Next to your recupacoon is your DESK, which is kept pretty cluttered, covered in pages from your tortured manuscript to your MANIFESTO that you've never gotten around to finishing. Behind that is your computer, which you haven't touched for years. Why use the computer when Chittr can be accessed from your phone?
Rope some friends into your scheme. ==>
There will be plenty of time for that in due time. For now, your aforementioned custodian needs his breakfast. On your way to the scuttlebuggy shed where the algae is kept, sure enough, you hear his howls from the back-lawnring. You roll your eyes. Even though you do, you love your lusus deeply. In fact, your crabby father is possibly the only person in the world you can speak honestly to, perhaps because he can't speak back.
You lug a 30-pound bag of Large Aquatic Lusus Algae Feed out into the back-lawnring, huffing as you set it down. Predictably, in mere moments he is bounding towards you, and before indulging in his meal, he tackles you to the ground playfully.
He is nearly twice your size, standing almost ten feet tall, his spindly arms supporting his big, meaty claws which wrap around you in a hug.
KANKRI: Haha! 9kay, 9kay, calm d9wn. It's g99d t9 see y9u, t99.
Your lusus gets off of you and begins his feast, tearing the packaging from his meal, using his feisty mandibles to chomp and chew. Heartbreak strikes you, suddenly.
KANKRI: I g9t y9ur fav9rite.
You speak quietly. Crabdad pauses, blinking at you with his glassy compound eyes. You reach forth to pat his face. He seems to understand, nuzzling your hand, lovingly. He coughs, and you recoil, candy-red blood spewing onto your hand. You flinch, and you feel yourself tearing up as he coughs again.
KANKRI: D9n't w9rry. It's... It's 9kay.
You're not sure if he knows what's happening to him, but he's smart. You figure he knows just as well as you do.
KANKRI: The 6ay9netterinarian said y9u'll 6e 9kay. D9n't w9rry.
You look at his blood on your hands. You both know in this case "okay" doesn't mean "live a long and happy life for years to come," but you both still know it to be true. You try to smile, but it's sad. You hug your crab-dad, grateful you still have the opportunity.
Go inside. ==>
You head inside. Aranea is there, waiting, and she sees your hand, alarmed.
ARANEA: Did that monster scratch you again?
KANKRI: Yes, 6ut it was my 9wn fault. I g9t in the way when he was feasting. It's 9nly t9 6e expected.
ARANEA: Ugh. I don't know how you toler8 him. I couldn't imagine having a lusus that size.
Your fist clenches. Aranea raises her eyebrows. You know it's off-brand, but you silently push past her inside.
KANKRI: Just d9n't 69ther him.
Rope some friends into your scheme. ==>
That's a good idea. Something to get your mind off things. You flop down on the communal living room's sofa- Oops. The lesser respite slab. Can't be caught using the frilly vernacular of the highbloods.
You check to see who's online that you could fleece for participation in this game. But first... You decide to get some information from Meenah.
--- cardioGalitarian began trolling cruelCondescension ---
CG: G99d evening, Meenah. It has c9me t9 my attenti9n that y9u and Aranea have made c9ntact c9ncerning a game. I w9uld feign surprise that I have n9t 6een included, 6ut the truth 9f the matter is, I've c9me t9 expect this fr9m y9ur h9ity-t9ity high6l99d types. 6e that as it may, I w9uld like t9 play this game with y9u 69th.
CC: pass
CG: I understand y9u need twelve players.
CC: yeah but like
CC: im not that desperate lol
CG: Just as I suspected. Pre-emptively excluding me 6ecause 9f my 6l99d caste. I th9ught 6etter 9f y9u, Meenah, as future ruler 9f 9ur planet.
CC: you think i give a shit aboat blood
CC: dude were excluding you cause you suck at games and youre a huge bummer
CG: If envisi9ning a 6etter w9rld than 9ne t9iling under Her Imperi9us 6enev9lence is a "6ummer," I think y9u need t9 keep 6etter c9mpany. I insist 9n my inclusi9n in this game 9f y9urs.
CC: hmmmmm
CC: nah
--- cruelCondescension blocked cardioGalitarian ---
Blast. You haughtily shift in your seat. Aranea peeks her head around the corner.
ARANEA: Kankri, do you have a moment?
KANKRI: N9t n9w, Aranea. I'm n9t in the m99d t9 hear y9ur excuses. Leave me in peace, I'm c9nducting vital c9mmunique.
ARANEA: This isn't a8out the tooth8rush! I-
KANKRI: Privacy!
Aranea scoffs, but she leaves you be. No doubt she wanted to weasel out of responsibility for moving your precious oral bone scuffer. The nerve! You scour your friends list for other friends to ask about the game. If Meenah is looking for players, perhaps she'll be more charitable if you bring her other willing participants. Hm... Not many people are online, except- Oh! Perfect.
--- cardioGalitarian began trolling capaciousTool ---
CG: H9russ. D9 y9u have a m9ment? I have a s9mewhat pressing matter I need t9 discuss with y9u.
CT: 8=D < A thousand pardons, kind Kankri, but my status as "online" was made erroneously. Of horse, if it is truly important, for you I can make time.
CG: It w9uld 6e rude t9 interrupt. All the same, I will say my piece in the h9pes that y9u are a6le t9 resp9nd in a timely fashi9n. The urgent matter is thus: There is a pl9t, a pl9t t9 undermine the very fa6ric 9f the delicate s9cial 9rder I have w9rked t9 maintain. The pl9t inv9lves the playing 9f a mysteri9us game.
CT: 8=D < The game! Oh, of horse! I herd about the game from the very visitor who is gracing my presence as we speak.
CT: 8=D < I would be elated to play this game with you, Kankri.
CG: Wh9 is this visit9r? And. D9 they kn9w anything m9re a69ut the game? I'm a 6it in the dark 9n it, myself.
CT: 8=D < You are such a card, fair Kankri. Nearly as much a card as my sweet matesprit! But suffice to say this game is important. I think. My dear visitor tal% a lot and, well, haha, my sweat valves are a bit clogged at the moment, so I am only able to pick up the gist of what she is saying.
CG: Wh9 is the visit9r? Can she play this game, t99? The m9re the merrier.
CT: 8=D < I will equine.
CT: 8=D < I mean, enquire.
CT: 8=D < Sadly, she says neigh. I e%pected as much. Be that as it neigh, you have one player. I understand there will be a duo of teams on this venture- Neigh tell, are you familiar with which team we will take part in?
CG: That's a g99d idea, actually. Teams w9uld inspire healthy c9mpetiti9n.
CG: Als9, y9u used "neigh" three times as a pun, there. Is that all9wed?
CT: 8=D < I believe so. I will consult the Equine Tome of Quir% later on.
CG: If it were any9ne 6ut y9u, I w9uld think y9u were j9king.
CT: 8=D < My apologies, Kankri. I should get back to my associate visitor! And find a place to empty my sweat valves...
--- capaciousTool stopped trolling cardioGalitarian ---
Well, that's one player down. And the promise of a team! Wonderful. When Meenah sees you've assembled a full TEAM, she'll HAVE to let you play! Aranea peeks in again.
ARANEA: Are you ready yet? What I need to discuss is urgent.
You bristle, rolling your eyes. You stand up and march past her, haughtily.
KANKRI: I supp9se there are myriad reas9ns f9r y9u t9 6e under the impressi9n that y9u can simply c9mmandeer my time, Aranea, 6ut I am 9n imp9rtant 6usiness.
You traipse to your room and shut the door meaningfully. Back to the matter at hand! You need more co-players. Horuss is a catch, but still... A little on the lackluster side. On top of that, you don't know what the game even is? You need another teammate who won't ask questions about it and might just join you on the promise of hanging out with other people. Someone truly desperate. Someone-
Oh no.
--- cardioGalitarian began trolling casanovasAdonis ---
CG: I can't 6elieve I'm g9ing 9n a lim6 t9 ask y9u this, n9r that y9u're the sec9nd high6l99d that has c9me t9 mind 9n this f9ul errand. 6ut I need t9 speak t9 y9u, Cr9nus.
CA: i knewv you couldnt keep awvay forevwer, doll. it vwas only a matter of time until the subtle allure of the unblock button wvould drag you back into my wvaitin arms.
--- cardioGalitarian blocked casanovasAdonis ---
Nope. You're not stooping that low. You rub your temples just as you hear Aranea, again.
ARANEA: Kankri! Seriously, this is important.
ARANEA: God! You're so o8stin8 today!
You finally deign to open the door, looking up at her traitorous face.
KANKRI: Fine, Aranea, 6ut if this is anything less than vital t9 my ears, I am g9ing t9 ign9re y9u f9r the rest 9f the day.
Aranea huffs, calming herself before she can say something rude.
ARANEA: Do you want to play a game with Meenah and I?
You blink.
KANKRI: I will have t9 c9nsider it, due t9 my 6usy schedule, 6ut I supp9se it's fine t9 pencil me in f9r any plans y9u might 6e making, vis a vis games.
She smiles brightly. You decide to tell her later on that you already recruited Horuss.
Be the horse-boy. ==>
No need to BE the horse boy, dear reader. For I am already at his humble abode, as he mentioned previously. In fact, from my perspective, I have just approached his hive. It is large, as I'm told he is an indigo-blooded fellow. This is a rare chance for both of us- You know my future, at least in part, while I am left to ponder what it holds! It is quite exciting.
As I mentioned before, this "horse boy," in question is one of two remaining gaps in my omnipotence. A gap I am quite eager to fill. I hope he is not alarmed by the appearance of a sentient doll with an 8-ball for a head on his doorstep.
Knock knock!
An individual answers the door, staring at me with a slack jaw. He has long hair cascading from underneath a be-goggled mask that covers his face. Two horns in the shape of arrows point to the heavens, as he reaches-
HORUSS: 8=D < I specifically asked them for the centaur model. What on Beforus is this?
Oop. He Who Cavorts With The Behooved appears to think I am his mail. He is manhandling me rather badly. I'd better make myself known before my stuffing falls out.
SCRATCH: G-g-g-reetings, s-s-sir H-h-h-horus! I w-w-w-would appreciate if y-y-you ceased sh-sh-shaking me!
HORUSS: 8=D < Oh! Good heavens. My apologies, kind anthropomorph. I mistook you as an imminent parcel I'm soon to receive.
He sets me down gently, marveling at my construction. I don't blame him. He appears to be a knowledgeable craftsman.
HORUSS: 8=D < To what do I owe the pleasure? Are you some kind of felt automaton? I am an accomplished machinist, you see. I hope these questions are not forward of me.
SCRATCH: No bother. I am here to impart information to you, and to request information in return.
Horuss politely steps aside to allow me inside. His hive is... Immense, to say the least. It's also dreadfully cluttered, something to which I can relate. Machine parts line the walls, as well as paintings of... Er.
Well. With all due respect to my host, they are a bit tasteless. Some are photographs, but some are lovingly-rendered paintings, all of... Shall we say. Horses... Coupling? I'm sure it's some dadaist expression of surrealism. Perhaps a burglar deterrent?
Look, I can't overstate this. I'm basically looking at a lot of horse dicks, here.
HORUSS: 8=D < Ah! Admiring the collection, are you?
SCRATCH: I. Yes.
Okay, okay. So this guy is kind of a horse freak. That's fine. There has to be some other reason his existence causes me a gap in my omnipotence.
HORUSS: 8=D < I have more in storage, if you'd like to peruse. I have them rotated out every month or so.
SCRATCH: No! No, that's fine. Are they all of... Horses?
HORUSS: 8=D < These noble musclebeasts would decorate every square inch of my wall if physics permitted such things. Aren't they majestic?
Horuss lovingly runs a hand over a painting, right over a horse's crotch.
SCRATCH: They're... Something.
We walk further in, towards a living room. His mansion is dark and brooding, that or poorly lit.
Okay. Cards on the table? This guy gives me the creeps. I thought there was some huge reason that this Horuss guy was under my radar, but I'm starting to think I'd rather not know what he's got going on. He sits in a big armchair and I sit in one across from him. The room is filled with more horse paintings, as well as a life-sized replica of what appears to be a centaur.
Anatomically correct.
HORUSS: 8=D < I am all ears, mystery puppet woman. Please. Impart to me your knowledge.
SCRATCH: Right! Yes. I've come to tell you something. An omen of the future, so to speak.
SCRATCH: Soon, your friends and yourself will engage in a game. A game with catastrophic-
Horuss seems to zone out, pulling out his phone. I pause, but he continues to type.
SCRATCH: -Catastrophic consequences.
HORUSS: 8=D < That's quite a coincidence, kind puppet. For an associate of mine has just informed me that a game is presently being organized!
HORUSS: 8=D < It appears you are some kind of. Puppet oracle, befitting the shape of your cranium.
SCRATCH: Right. Well, ah.
I can't help but glance at the centaur statue again.
SCRATCH: I guess that's all, actually. Just. Keep your eyes peeled for the game.
Horuss laughs like he can't hear me very well, his voice raising. His mask-helmet appears to be filling with... Water?
Ah. No. The salty smell betrays it. It's sweat.
HORUSS: 8=D < Now, what did you mean to ask of me, o felt oracle?
I stand up hastily.
SCRATCH: Actually, on second thought, it's fine. Don't worry about it. I've got all I need!
HORUSS: 8=D < Well, don't be a stranger. I will never forget your wisdom.
Leaving his house, I shudder. It will be nice to return home. I'm starting to think that these gaps in my infinite sight aren't necessarily profound in their revelation. Some of them are just mundanities that are perhaps better left unknown.
Be Horuss. ==>
Er. Frankly. I've had enough of that guy for a bit.
Be Kankri. ==>
You attempt to be Kankri, but fail miserably. You are instead Meenah.
Looks like the search for co-players is going... Well? In terms of sheer numbers, it's going fine, but you're a little worried as to the quality of some of these bozos. Aranea has just reported back- Not only Meulin, but she's acquired Horuss and Kankri, too. You aren't hot on them, but... Aranea did hold true to her word.
--- cruelCondescension began trolling arcaneGnowledge ---
CC: yo serk we should talk
CC: uh
CC: sea im thinkin about this game and i think its a good idea if we went with like
CC: teams
AG: Teams! Smart. Leave the less adept 8ehind on their team while we no dou8t take the prize!
CC: uhhhhhh
CC: yeah but sea
CC: i was thinkin since you got so many ppl
CC: you should be like team captain of that team!
This is a gambit. You know Aranea really wants to be on a team with you, but you SUPER do not. You can tell that she's conflicted, and you have a good idea as to why. On the one hand, she wants to be your teammate. Yet, on the other, Aranea LOVES bossing people around.
AG: Team... Captain?
CC: yeah for shore youd be soooo good serk
You cringe again. God, talking to Aranea lately is like pulling teeth.
AG: I'll make you proud in this competition! Team Spider8ite is a go.
CC: sick
Oh, thank god. She took the b8.
AG: So what will your team name 8e?
CC: team 2 i guess
AG: >::::/
CC: team 2 vs team spiderbite it is then
CC: i guess itll be six on six then
CC: sea ya round serk
--- cruelCondescension stopped trolling arcaneGnowledge ---
This is good. The problem is, Team 2 currently has a single player on it. You're going to have to bust your ass to find teammates. The good news is, you know JUST where to start...