Miss Piexes
I suppose it is time to transition into a different form of dialogue. Not to worry, I have just the thing.
SCRATCH: Hello, Miss Piexes. I trust my locks were not difficult to shatter, as per usual?
MEENAH: nbd
SCRATCH: Wonderful. Have a seat. I've been expecting you. Even though I already know the answer, I'll ask out of politeness. What brings you here?
MEENAH: just layin low ig
MEENAH: the beach has been on my ass lately abt the whole succession ceremony
SCRATCH: Ah, yes. Her Imperious Benevolence's insistence you take over the mantle of Empress peacefully. Once she discovered you residing on Beforus's pink moon, she forced you to agree not to do battle with her in exchange for the crown once you came of age.
MEENAH: ...
SCRATCH: What is it, dear?
MEENAH: why you talkin like a college paper
SCRATCH: Oh! Expositional purposes.
MEENAH: jegus h fishsticks
MEENAH: i only need one nosy gill who talks too much in my life thanks
MEENAH: you... ARE a gill right? i always assumed
SCRATCH: Absolutely. I am like a kindly aunt.
MEENAH: wtf is an aunt
SCRATCH: Never you mind, dear. More pertinently, why are you suddenly so reluctant to take the crown? When you were younger, you seemed so excited to take over.
MEENAH: cuz back then i was a dumb fuck wiggler
MEENAH: sure u ask a gill whos grubscars havent even healed if she wants 2 be queen and she says yeah but now that im older... idk
MEENAH: its a shell of a lotta work?
MEENAH: like bein in charge
SCRATCH: Too true. Though, as I've told you, you won't have to worry about that particular agreement.
MEENAH: yyyeah thats why im kinda here rn
MEENAH: u said a long ass time ago you knew how to get me outta here
MEENAH: off beforus. away from her imperious dumbnevolence
SCRATCH: Indeed I do.
If I were not the First Guardian, I expect my heart would be thudding now. The greatest lapse in my near-infinite knowledge is one that only she can help me repair. Meenah sits and I serve her a cup of tea. She discards this, thinking I do not notice, but I do, and furthermore I do not mind in the least. It is terrible tea. As I said, my hosting skills are not up to snuff.
MEENAH: uh
MEENAH: scratch bb youre zonin out again
SCRATCH: Ah! I am, too true, young miss Piexes.
MEENAH: u were gonna tell me how to clam-scray from this planet
SCRATCH: Indeed. The process is quite simple, as a matter of fact. All you have to do... Is play a game.
MEENAH: sounds lame but w/e
SCRATCH: This game is unlike any game you've ever played before. Truthfully, I don't actually know much about it. In my near-infinite knowledge, it is one of the many gaps. I do not know the nature of this game, but I do know three things about it.
MEENAH: ok. should i ask what they are or-
SCRATCH: Thing one, and most vital to you: It will facilitate your escape from this world. This entire universe, even.
MEENAH: sick
SCRATCH: Thing two, it is a game that will reveal your true destiny. You will forge a new universe and a new life for yourself. Perhaps for all of trollkind!
MEENAH: less cool but w/e
SCRATCH: Thing three, it is a game fated to be played with twelve co-players.
MEENAH: augh fuck thats the LEAST cool thing yet
MEENAH: i gotta drag a dozen ppl with me on this shindig
MEENAH: lame
Meenah slouches in her seat, but she can't fool me. She's as excited as can be. Her braids cascade onto the floor, making looping designs upon it, which she regards thoughtfully.
The Game. The Game, the single biggest gap in my knowledge, yet something I feel so inexplicably linked to. I have often surmised that my entire purpose on this world is to begin this mysterious game. What I told Meenah, however, is something of a white lie, as it were. I know more than three things about the game. What I told her was not inaccurate, but omits the breadth of what I've learned about The Game in my millennia as Beforus's Guardian.
The most important thing, and the thing I dare not let on to Meenah, is that I cannot tell what lies past The Game's beginning. The future is clear to me, but beyond the beginning of the game is dark. I have yet to understand why. I won't lie, the thought fills me with trepidation.
SCRATCH: I trust you at least have some idea who these twelve players are, at least?
MEENAH: yyyeah thats whats bummin me out the most tbh
I walk to a drawer and withdraw twelve discs. The discs were made for me. A commission, shall we say, of two of Meenah's friends. I don't tell her this quite yet. She will find out in due time.
SCRATCH: This is the game in question. I would strongly advise against playing them now. It will be about a sweep before you will have need to actually play the game, by my estimate. You shouldn't start until you have amassed your twelve players.
MEENAH: cool beans
MEENAH: so what i gotta recruit em one by one
SCRATCH: I predict that is precisely what you will do.
SCRATCH: And by "predict" I of course mean "know with certainty."
SCRATCH: ...
SCRATCH: That was a little joke.
MEENAH: ...
SCRATCH: Ahem. Anyway.
SCRATCH: Once you have amassed your team, give each person a disc and enter the game. It should all be self-explanatory from there.
Another white lie. It will certainly not be self-explanatory, but Meenah need not know that for now. I do feel bad misleading her, but it is all to her benefit.
MEENAH: at least i know who to ask for kelp first
MEENAH: even tho were not uh. on speakin terms rn
SCRATCH: Miss Serket, I presume?
MEENAH: ya
MEENAH: she thinks im shirkin my noble responsibility or what ebber
SCRATCH: Ah. Well, she isn't wrong. It's just that such things will soon be irrelevant.
MEENAH: lmao sea u get it
MEENAH: anywave um
Miss Piexes pauses, looking furtively at me. She means to tell me she appreciates my "kelp." She doesn't muster the fortitude, and instead abruptly stands, swiping the CDs from me. I smile. I know what she means without her saying so. She knows this, and while it frustrates the heiress, she is brought relief by it.
MEENAH: bye
She utters that syllable and makes for the door, back outside into my garden.
Alternia looms in the sky above us as I follow her into my yard. The verdant Pink Moon of Alternia has long been my home, since time immemorial, and before Meenah arrived, I was alone. Not lonely, mind you, just alone. And while I knew Meenah would some day come in the arms of the Grand-Matron, and that she would call me her lusus, experiencing it was nothing short of unique.
If I had tear-ducts I might cry as I watch her depart in her little pink spaceship. But I don't, so I can't.
Meenah doesn't know what a daughter is, but she knows I love her like one.
Now, unfortunately, I don't actually feature heavily in the story past this point, I only serve as this tale's humble narrator. Perhaps I'll slip into something more comfortable as we transition into this tale's true protagonist....
Here we go.
Meenah arrives back home without incident. The trip takes about an hour of uneventful time, time she spends dreading what's to come.
===
Your name is MEENAH PIEXES. You are the HEIRESS APPARENT to an entire planet of trolls. You were raised on THE MOON by a KINDLY ANTHROPOMORPHIC PUPPET WOMAN, and you owe her everything, not that you'd ever tell her that. Presently, your LAISSEZ FAIRE attitude is on hold temporarily, replaced by SEETHING DREAD, for two reasons. One is the IMMINENT MEETING with the other mother-figure in your life, the one who isn't a puppet, and the other reason is having to face your EX, who you JUST KIND OF BROKE UP WITH. You have a penchant for speakin with an aquatic dispo-fish-in and your online handle is cruelCondescension.
What will you do?
Examine Room. ==>
You examine your room. As a fuchsiablood, you were afforded the best, most lavish accommodations. Tapestries adorn your walls, with your grinning visage staring right back. You give one of your Meenah-posters a wink. It doesn't wink back, but you think if it could it totally would. As far as you're concerned, you deserve each and every one! You love the loot that comes with being a queen-to-be, but not so much the responsibility. If only you could have one without the other...
Examine Desk. ==>
Your desk! Your lab. Your precious space in which to concoct all manner of nefarious potion! Like THIS little number you've been working on. A pink can sits on the table, one of your proudest creations: The Thirst Abolishing Beverage, or as you like to refer to it, TAB. This little number works miracles, you swear. You pull on the pull tab and hear the satisfying hiss of carbonation as you tip it into your eager gullet.
Mmm. TAB is fucking delicious. You don't know why your shitty friends all drink Faygo.
Message your Ex ==>
Uh. How about no? You JUST got back from visiting your aunt, you don't need that kind of strife right now. Unfortunately, it seems strife is eager to seek YOU out instead, as from downstairs there is a booming knock on your door.
Be very quiet and hope they leave. ==>
You accomplish the first task, but they do not leave. You groan. You know exactly who that is. It's HER. Her Imperious Benevolence, making a house call because you haven't picked up your clam-phone in weeks. Another round of knocks. Looks like they're not leaving.
Scamper down the stairs and answer the door. ==>
After descending the staircase past the 10:1 sized solid gold statue of yourself, you open the door into your cavernous foyer. Sure enough- It's HER. Flanked on either side by two drones, she waltzes into your palace like it belongs to her!
Technically speaking, though, it DOES belong to her, being the old palace after all.
FEFERI: Meena)(! Oh my GOS)(, look at you! You look so cute I could just-! )(a)(a!
The Benevolence squeezes your cheek cloyingly. You wince and sho her off, the familiar bloodlust rising in your chest. You can see on her face that it's just as potent, and you think it's a little sick how she disguises her impulses for the public. The drones are no doubt there to keep things from escalating.
FEFERI: You didn't answer my calls so I decided to stop by to make sure you're still on for next week's fitting. After all! The coronation is. Soon.
MEENAH: whatebber
The smile on Feferi's face falters.
FEFERI: Look. I don't want this any more than you do, little guppy. You think I want to give my seat of power over to some s)(itty little upstart like you?
The Empress huffs. You scowl up at her.
FEFERI: If Kanny had given you to me, it would have all been so PAINL-ESS. You'd be dead by now and I wouldn't have to worry!
MEENAH: well i aint
MEENAH: and if you want your damn throne so bad just keep it
MEENAH: idc any more
The Empress strikes her trident into the ground. You flinch. You hate to admit it, but she'd kick your ass in a fight. She's about double your height, double your width, and the trident she's holding is nearly as tall as you are.
FEFERI: As muc)( as I'd love to, it's far too late for that. T)(e people )(ave spoken. T)(ey want to see power turned over peacefully. And. I AM their. Loyal servant!
The Empress speaks the last two words through gritted teeth. Looks like neither of you like the situation.
FEFERI: The coronation is in one perigee. You )(ave that long to prepare yourself.
MEENAH: uhhhhh
MEENAH: no chance you could extend the deadline to say
MEENAH: a sweep?
FEFERI: NO.
With that, Feferi stomps away. Looks like you're off the hook for the fitting, at least. As the door shuts behind her, your heart stops thudding so quickly. Her presence alone makes your blood boil.
Now will you talk to your ex? ==>
What do you look like?? A girl who CONFRONTS her problems? Fat chance, bub. No way, you'll just take a quick nap, stop thinking about Her Imperious Butthole and...
Oh, fine! You're not going to be able to rest until it's over, anyway. You rub your temples as you trudge back up the stairs, wishing you looked half as cheerful as your two-story tall gold effigy.
---cruelCondescension has begun trolling arcaneGnowledge---
CC: yo
AG: Seen by arcaneGnowledge.
CC: cmon dont leave me on read
CC: and dont fuckin passive aggressively type "seen by"
AG: My apologies. Aranea cannot answer the phone right now, due to intense heart8reak and betrayal. Please leave a message after the sob.
CC: uuuuuuuugh
CC: youre such a drama queen
CC: look i even put 8 "u"s
AG: What do you want, Meenah?
CC: do u want to play a game
AG: I think you've played plenty of games recently! What makes you think I'd want to do anything with you?
CC: look um
CC: let me back up ok?
You rub your temples. You're going to have to really lay it on thick, here.
CC: im
God. You can't do it! You can't bring yourself to say it!!
CC: im sorry
That felt awful. Aranea is presumably dumbfounded, so it takes her a moment to reply.
AG: You are?
AG: Pardon my lackluster response, 8ut. Meenah, I don't think I've ever heard you say that.
CC: yeah well dont go spreadin it around
CC: i was wrong
AG: Wow.
AG: Wow! If it were anyone else I'd question your authenticity, but I can't imagine you saying that unless you really meant it.
AG: Have you come over to my way of thinking, then?
AG: You would make a wonderful empress, Meenah, I truly 8elieve that.
You groan. You've got nothing against lying. In fact, you've got nothing against lying to your friends! But lying to APOLOGIZE to someone? It feels pretty shitty.
CC: yeah
CC: im 100% empress material
AG: Oh!!!!!!!!
AG: Meenah! I'm so happy! I never in a millennium thought you'd come around 8ut-
AG: Does this mean you... That we...
CC: idk what it means for us aranea just
CC: im kinda siftin thru a buncha shit rn
CC: im sorry i yelled at you this mornin
AG: It's okay, Meenah. I know it can't 8e easy...
CC: just
CC: promise me youll play this game with me
CC: one last game before i become empress
It appears that you get your skills with persuasion from your beloved auntie.
AG: Meenah... I promise. It's the least I can do.
CC: and um
CC: thanks
You hate how heartfelt this still is. Ex or not, Aranea has always been there for you. You really care about her, in a way that you don't feel confident enough to sort through at the moment. You wish there was a word for that.
AG: I do understand, though, Meenah.
AG: Why it can't work 8etween us...
AG: I mean. I would do anything to m8ke it work, you know, Meenah?
Aw, fuck. Aranea's fishing for comfort. Abort mission.
CC: so anywave this game
CC: it kinda needs 12 ppl
CC: do you know anyone whod wanna play as well
AG: I think I do!
AG: Is that what you'd like me to do for you, Meenah?
You cringe. You honest-to-god cringe. Aranea's got it bad, and while you DO appreciate her friendship, it makes you kind of sick when she's this sycophantic.
CC: sure ig
AG: I'll prove myself to you, Meenah! You'll see!!
---arcaneGnowledge ceased trolling cruelCondescension---
You sigh. That was fucking terrible. You turn of the computer and decide to take that nap after all.
You disrobe and slip into your expansive recupacoon lazily, shutting your eyes with a groan. It was terrible, but it was also the first step.
The first step to escape all of your problems.