isn't it odd that with just a snap of your fingers, your whole life changes its course. that within a blink of an eye, your living a brand new life you didn't even ask for in the first place.
bizzare, indeed. but jiwoo learned how to live with it.
in a span of almost a year, nine months to be exact, jiwoo has managed to live with this new change in her.
retrograde amnesia. the doctors said it was temporary but jiwoo thinks otherwise. she may be an optimistic person but this time, she ought to be a realist.
in those months, not a single memory of hers came back. just pure vagueness and blurriness in her dreams. it still happens, from time to time, but it never really improved in clarity. until jiwoo had enough. until she was a little bit too tired to try.
is it called giving up? or is it just really moving forward with her life?
jiwoo would like to think it’s the latter. because no matter how much she is suffering, in the depths of her heart and mind is a voice screaming for hope.
because jiwoo, although muting that ‘voice’ out, can still feel it clawing its way up to her consciousness.
she wishes to entertain it someday. not now, but someday.
—
it is half past five in the evening. the sun on its way to rest, the sky changing hues, but the cold wind continues to blow its winter air. distracted by her own thoughts, jiwoo jumps a little from shock at the sudden loud booming of music in the dance studio.
glancing forward, she sees a familiar girl getting into formation. their eyes meet and the said girl gives her a wink before executing her choreography. jiwoo smiles as she watches in awe.
kim jungeun. the girl in sleeveless black top and gray sweatpants. yes, they are dating. no, they aren’t official. yet.
it is a mutual decision. when two people are both unsure, it’s best to test the waters first.
jungeun, in her blonde hair, mesmerizing eyes, cute nose, and inviting lips, is probably the most beautiful girl jiwoo has ever met. her beauty is the same reason why jiwoo is hesitant to entertain her advances at first. but getting to know jungeun more, jiwoo has successfully made it past the barricade of intimidation and just went for the girl.
it has not been that long, really. two months after that fateful night, two months after acquiring amnesia, she met jungeun. they instantly clicked but it wasn’t until another two months that they decided to take their relationship up a notch.
jungeun has been fantastic so far. she is honestly one of the major reasons for jiwoo’s fast recovery and acceptance and jiwoo really can’t thank her enough.
jungeun, jiwoo regards, is such a skilled dancer overall. with the way she cleanly executes complicated steps down to her overall presence and expressions. it has always been a joy to watch her so jiwoo would often ask if she could go visit her during practices and jungeun would always agree.
always a sweetheart.
having witnessed the choreography quite a few times, jiwoo already developed her favorites in the whole performance. she particularly likes it when jungeun would run her hands across her upper body in a sultry way before swaying her hips in time with the beat.
and then it happens. abruptly. and to say that it shocked jiwoo to the core is an understatement.
jungeun’s image before her morphed into someone else. someone unrecognizable but... ironically familiar.
everything about that few seconds froze jiwoo up in her place. and then her head starts to hurt a little so she closes her eyes.
but even with her eyes closed, all she sees is a rerun of some unknown girl moving with such grace and elegance with the music. her face is a blur, though.
“hey jiwoo, how did i do today?” jungeun snaps her out and she opens her eyes to look at the girl with a smile.
“wonderful as always.”
“did i do well?”another voice inside her head says, the tone painfully familiar yet she can't put her finger on it until jiwoo feels her head ache a little more.
was it part of her forgotten memory?
the girl, who is she?
jiwoo doesn’t know, but the screaming voice inside her starts to gradually increase in volume.
—
it has been a week since that incident but it’s still stuck in her mind. that night, she couldn’t sleep a wink as the images and the voice made sure find home in her thoughts.
jungeun notices her restlessness and asks her if she isn’t feeling well. the girl is aware of her condition and she continuously encourages her not to lose hope, steadfast on her belief that she would slowly regain her memory at the right time.
jiwoo waves the question off and smiles at jungeun. the girl doesn’t seem to believe her but chose to drop the topic off, nonetheless. with an assurance that she always is ready to listen to jiwoo whenever.
jiwoo stares at jungeun, awed at how much of an amazing person she is. jungeun chuckles before purposely messing jiwoo’s bangs up.
“hey!” jiwoo whines. jungeun cracks up more at how annoyed jiwoo looks before pulling the latter beside her and into her arms.
chill nights have become one of their things. it’s where they just pick a movie to watch, cook popcorn, order pizza, and just literally... chill.
jiwoo sighs and wraps an around jungeun as she rests her head against her shoulder. they both watch in silence, fully engrossed in the movie until jiwoo feels a hand caressing her hair languidly.
another sigh escapes her mouth, closing her eyes to enjoy the feeling.
“are you sleepy?” jiwoo hears jungeun.
“don’t sleep on me now, jiwooming,”
jiwoo abruptly opens her eyes to look at jungeun only to see unrecognizable round eyes looking at her with a playful glint before it changes to jungeun’s confused ones.
“...what?”
“nothing...” jiwoo goes back to hugging jungeun now with a distracted mind as she recalls the recent flash of images. suddenly, being in jungeun’s arms doesn’t feel quite right.
it has to be a part of my memories.
jiwooming? that’s obviously me... but who are you?
her mind starts to go haywire with all the questions that she, herself, can’t provide an answer to.
and the yearning for her forgotten memories intensifies after being dormant for months.
—
jiwoo makes no further progress. after a glimpse of those weirdly familiar eyes, there was nothingness. and she feels her frustrations building up faster than she expects it to.
confiding her concerns to her doctor at a recent appointment, the kind lady only told her not to force anything as it may hurt her head but assured her that it may be a sign that she may start regaining her lost memories soon.
after the appointment, jiwoo sends jungeun a text to ask if she wants to hang out.
‘sure. see you in an hour! :>’
jiwoo rides the bus to hongdae. she chose the busy street to help ease her mind from the recent events that are greatly preoccupying her. the noise and the crowd would surely provide a good distraction.
temporarily.
because jiwoo knows that at the end of the day, when she’s sprawled in her bed, when there is no one but her and her own thoughts, the very image of someone’s orbs will find its way back in the vividness of her thoughts and keep her up.
but now is not the time to get lost in the sea of unfamiliarity because at the bus stop stood the girl who has a fair share of jiwoo’s thoughts, the girl jiwoo is already accustomed with yet still makes her blush from the mere smile she gives.
she clings an arm around jungeun’s as they walk around the busy street aimlessly.
“what do you want to do?” jungeun asks, her eyes flickering across the variety of food stalls and boutiques, finding one that would appeal to her.
“arcade?” jiwoo suggests and jungeun pulls her to a direction until they reach the arcade. it is packed, to say the least. youngsters with their friends crowding the entire place, screaming at each other at the top of their lungs with excitement and exhilaration.
they spent an entire two hours just trying out different games inside the packed area. playing claw machine even though they know that the machine is rigged, making a bet on who would be paying their food depending on who scores the most at a basketball game (jungeun lost), playing air hockey, and finishing off with the good ol’ karaoke.
jungeun has to be perfect. jiwoo thinks. the girl has it all, from the looks, personality, and charms. she is a swimmer, can dance, and she can even sing?
am i really good enough for jungie?
her hesitation resurfaces and as jungeun is exchanging their tickets for a prize, jiwoo excuses herself to escape the suffocating atmosphere inside the arcade and out to the open street.
exhaling, jiwoo tries to stop her thoughts from ruining the day so she just decides to buy a drink at a nearby stall. she got herself a bottle of water and a smoothie for jungeun. the girl must also be thirsty like her from the nonstop exertion of energy they did playing games and dancing like idiots inside the karaoke room.
thanking the kind lady for her service, she makes her way back to the arcade careful not to spill the drinks when she feels someone bump into her. now bumping with strangers is to be expected in such a stuffed place like hongdae so jiwoo only considers it as an accident but...
“i’m sorry,” the unknown person apologizes. only, the voice is not something unknown to jiwoo. in fact, the voice is too familiar that she initially thinks it's just her mind playing with her because it’s the same voice from those flashes of memories that continues to mess with her, her need to discover the owner of the voice furthering.
but jiwoo cowers. she once again froze. and before she knows it, the stranger moves past her and continues to walk off.
“e-excuse me...” jiwoo turns and sees the retreating figure of the stranger. it was just a whisper. but somehow, someway, in this street where different chatters fuse into a clamor, two words reach the stranger’s ears as she stops in her tracks a few meters away.
and slowly, as if to build jiwoo’s anticipation up, the girl turns. contrary to the bustling area, the girl looks to be taking her time. until finally, she looks up and at jiwoo.
and for the second time within minutes, jiwoo is stunned. the girl’s eyes...
those eyes...
the girl is wearing a mask but jiwoo can never take her eyes off her half-hidden face. her eyes to be exact, they are an exact copy of the ones that appeared in her recollections. those eyes she's staring at right now which holds pure emotions of what seem to be recognition and yearning, jiwoo isn't sure, before it turns to a stoic hollowness.
they both stood still. in the midst of the franticness, two souls stood still gazing at each other, silently communicating in a language undecipherable to jiwoo. yet, the connection is enough to flutter jiwoo’s heart and a nerve in her brain to pulsate painfully.
jiwoo doesn’t want to break the eye contact. she really does not want to but the pain is becoming quite unbearable that she subconsciously shuts her eyes, eyebrows knitted from the jolts of pain.
what... who...
“jiwoo!”
she then looks to her right and sees jungeun inching closer to her with a worried expression. “are you okay? where have you been?”
she ignores the questions and looks back to where the stranger is but the girl is gone — much to jiwoo’s disappointment. the girl disappeared and blended in with the crowd. away from jiwoo.
“hey...” jungeun takes the smoothie and holds her hand with the other, giving it light squeezes.
“y-yeah... let’s go?”
jungeun scrutinizes jiwoo, gauging her expression. jiwoo assures her with her bright smile.
lately, jiwoo has learned to mask her expressions and genuine feelings. perhaps a result of the impact the accident brought upon her and she can’t say it doesn’t come in handy especially during times like this.
“i’m hungry let’s get crepes, you like those right?”
jiwoo smiles another and nods enthusiastically. she tries her best to hide the panic inside her and it seems to be a success when jungeun’s face brightens a little. because once again, new recollections unravel in her mind, the blurriness starting to somehow clear out as it transforms into something similar with the image of the girl she just bumped into.
in a whole different scenario of what looks like a veranda, jiwoo finds herself being embraced by the lady with mesmerizing eyes as they face the night view of seoul, whispering right beside her ear.
“baby, i found a cafe that sells great crepes nearby, wanna go? my treat,”
—
jiwoo is distraught. the frustration and stress eating her up more as the days pass by. she has to find out who the girl is. surely, that girl must play a big part in her life for her to constantly be in jiwoo’s glimpses of forgotten memories.
jiwoo gets off her bed, an idea suddenly popping in her mind as she hastily grabs her notebook and pen.
“let’s see, what do we have so far...”
the girl dancing in a studio... her cuddled up with the girl... the girl hugging her in an apartment... crepes...
she even knows i love crepes...?
“ughhh!” jiwoo clutches her head, throwing the pen begrudgingly, her body hitting the mattress roughly. think, jiwoo...
but no matter how much she tries to decipher those glimpses, she just can’t seem to figure it out and it’s most definitely taking a toll on her.
in jiwoo’s mind, it is nothing but a repetitive cycle. she’s just going in circles with no direction at all.
dancing... her eyes... the hongdae encounter... her voice... the veranda... seoul’s night view...
and then nothing. and then she goes back to square one.
shutting her eyes, worn out from overexerting herself, she lets the cycle continue to fill her mind.
who are you...?
jiwoo feels her heart quicken when the glimpse of the girl dancing reappears. she feels something off until her eyes settles on the hoodie the girl is wearing as she dances looking a little familiar.
it is just a typical blue hoodie of a famous brand but something about it caught jiwoo’s attention. there seems to be letters personally stitched on the left chest part of the fabric. it must be customized, it must be.
because jiwoo thinks she’s seen those somewhere — the stitches in particular. still vexed from the new information, she makes her way to her closet and starts rummaging, finding something that she, too, doesn’t know what. feeling the rush in her veins, she frantically throws clothes that doesn’t seem to be ‘it’.
the pile of clothes on the floor starts to build up and her closet starts to empty until a hoodie that is the exact same color of what the girl is wearing appears before her eyes after flicking out the shirt above it.
clutching it in her hand, she makes her way back to her bed without plans to fix the mess she made just yet. unfolding the piece of clothing, she finds stitches on the left side just like the girl’s.
h.sy
three letters. three letters are what it takes to confuse her further as she inspects the fabric trying to find more clues until a piece of paper drops from the pocket.
and in that little piece of paper, the same letters are signed just underneath the short note.
h.sy
and as jiwoo finishes reading the note, her brain starts to ache more, this time the pain is too much for her tolerance. she feels her body slowly giving up on her, her chest starts to heave up and down, sweat building up across her forehead.
tears start trickling down her cheeks as memories flash past her eyes in bursts until her vision starts to blur, her eyelids getting heavier by the second.
darkness engulfs her.
“come on, sooyoungie! it’s gonna be fun!” jiwoo flails sooyoung’s hands, whining. the latter clutching her ears from jiwoo’s loud, pitchy voice. “i’ll stitch your initials on mine and you’ll...”
“i’ll stitch sunmi’s on mine? sounds like a plan!” sooyoung cuts her off, knowing very well that it would make jiwoo sulky.
and not more than a second later, a pout makes its way on jiwoo’s lips, her eyes looking at sooyoung in utter disappointment. with a small voice she says, “i mean you could do that... yeah...”
sooyoung laugh out loud before squishing jiwoo’s cheeks a little too hard, “i’m kidding! of course i’d put your initials on my hoodie,”
“yayyy!” jiwoo bounces up and down, overjoyed from finally getting the older to agree. sooyoung finds herself flashing a smile of her own, reaching a hand up to pinch jiwoo’s nose.
“i think i deserve a kiss, no?” sooyoung lightheartedly queries but jiwoo is too happy to even deprive her of her wish.
“of course, come baby...” jiwoo pulls her nape down until their lips meld into each other’s. they both feel each other’s smile as they kiss and they knew no other extravagance could top such a simple yet precious moment like this.
just two people in love, in each other’s arms, communicating in what is known as the language of love, their lips moving in a graceful dance they know all too well, getting lost in that feeling only kissing your soulmate invokes.
—
parting with someone who has made a huge impact in your life in such little time is tough but jungeun assures jiwoo that she will never leave the girl’s side even when friendship is all jiwoo could offer.
waking up after her dream, jiwoo felt like she is slowly starting to regain her old self. in all honesty, she feels an array of emotions from the new memories.
guilt, one of the leading emotion in her chest.
guilt that she has forgotten someone so wonderful in her life.
and guilt that she is bound to hurt someone who showed her the beauty of life after experiencing its ruthless side.
jiwoo wants to somehow ease her guilt up so she did what she thought is best and decided to talk and reveal everything to jungeun. and the girl did nothing but listen to jiwoo as she pushes herself to explain every detail to her.
jungeun was in shock but still offered jiwoo a smile and a hug which is the breaking point for jiwoo to burst into tears on her shoulders, apologizing again and again.
“shh jiwoo... you don’t have to be sorry...”
“thank you for being honest with me...”
“go for it... find her...”
those were her words before they part with an assurance of a continued friendship no matter what.
and as she aimlessly walks in the neighborhood she so missed, kicking little stones by her feet, she smiles to herself with how everything turned out. (it’s safe to say that she purposely went here to take care of some ‘business’ and 'go for it' like jungeun told her to.)
the accident? probably a blessing in disguise because although losing a part of her memories, she earned a good friend from it. but still arguable with the way it messed her up in a way.
the night seem to be warmer tonight compared to the past nights but still cold enough to bundle up. and jiwoo can’t keep the grin in her face from widening even more when she glances down her hoodie.
h.sy
three letters that she finally knows the meaning behind to. inhaling a good amount of air in her lungs, she can feel her determination to continue fixing things in her life step by step brimming.
until she feels herself almost getting knocked over by a sudden collision. she just hopes she isn’t shaken up enough for that determination to leave her body when her eyes find the culprit’s own.
“i’m sorry-“
ha sooyoung. there stood ha sooyoung, still as beautiful as ever but looking to have lost some weight since the last time jiwoo has seen her before losing her memories.
jiwoo chuckles from the stupefied expression on her face before she gives her a small smile. sooyoung smiles back before swallowing as she allows herself to stare at jiwoo longer, taking in the girl’s appearance at a close proximity.
and then she feels her eyes sting from finally being in front of the girl she so missed.
the girl she has been longing for since that fateful night.
kim jiwoo. the girl she loves with all of her.
the same girl who suffered because of her carelessness.
and sooyoung can’t thank the heavens enough for allowing her of this chance to finally look at jiwoo in flesh even when she knows it wouldn’t be for long.
and sadly, the time has to end as she slowly walks past her. she has to or she won’t be able to turn her back from jiwoo again and let the selfishness inside her to be with the girl reign.
the moment sooyoung passed jiwoo, her tears start pouring down in a silent cry induced by pent-up pain and hopelessness as she walks away from the love of her life.
i love you...
“it must be fate, huh?” jiwoo’s words stops sooyoung from walking away. she didn’t want to be rude by ignoring jiwoo so she hums in response, “you’re that girl whom i also bumped into in hongdae, right?”
“y-yes...” sooyoung answers with a whisper, her voice cracking right at the end.
fate, huh?funny how much fate played with them in a span of a year. how it made them go from lovers to strangers who just casually bump into each other now.
jiwoo feels it again — that familiar flutter in her heart as she stares at sooyoung’s back. her face stretching in a smile while a lone tear escapes her eye. clutching the paper in her hoodie pocket, she slowly walks towards sooyoung.
“i think you dropped this,” jiwoo softly takes her wrist and sooyoung flinches from the sudden contact. she can feel her control thinning down, about to snap any minute now.
jiwoo places the folded piece of paper on sooyoung’s shaking palm and she carefully opens it, her breath caught in her throat as she reads the note over and over again.
‘winter feels even more sullen without you here. see you at 7, love.’
-h.sy
it was the letter together with a bouquet of flowers she delivered to jiwoo's apartment after being away from each other for a week when the younger left to visit her parents in cheongju, her hometown. the same letter that is given a year ago when they were still in each other's company — contented and in love.
“i’m sorry i’m late... sooyoungie.”
like a storm, the tears in sooyoung’s eyes cascade at an alarming rate as she tries to rationalize what is happening. and like the rainbow after it, she feels like living again.
“you...” jiwoo notes how sooyoung’s eyes widen when her gaze trails down onto her hoodie, recognition in her eyes before looking at jiwoo for confirmation. and jiwoo can only nod at her before sooyoung pulls her flush against her body in a bone-crushing embrace.
two souls finally finding their way back to each other.
“did you wait for long...?” jiwoo whispers in between sobs grasping sooyoung tightly, feeling her shaking her head on her shoulders.
“you are just in time, love...” sooyoung manages to voice out, “perfectly in time,”
“i’m glad... did you miss me?” jiwoo pulls herself back and rests her forehead against sooyoung, slowly examining the face she hasn't seen for almost a year.
“so... much...” sooyoung utters with her eyes closed, enjoying the feeling she has been deprived of.
“my sweet sooyoungie...” jiwoo coos, chuckling at the crying girl in front of her. "...you lost a lot of weight,"
jiwoo's caring voice is definitely one of the things sooyoung never thought she would hear again. the voice that always worried about her, the voice that asks about her day, the voice that soothes her own worries away, the voice of the person who took sooyoung's heart with her through these trying months. and now, the hollowness inside sooyoung's chest starts to fill up from jiwoo's presence alone.
“i love you,” sooyoung blurts out. raw and unguarded. it's really easy to do so when that's all she's been dying to say all this time.
“i love you too.”
above them, above two weeping souls tangled together with their hearts out in the open, flakes of snow starts to descend.
the first snowfall.
and like its symbolism, sooyoung also wishes to finally be with jiwoo for the longest time, this time.