By the blinding lights

Sunlight casts in through the slit in the blinds, Jen’s the one facing the window so the intensity of the light wakes her up. She stirs, blinks to get rid of the dog in her eyes and she comes around, a little concerned at first by the sleeping body beside her but then she remembers their night. Their amazing, mind blowing night, even if Jen thinks so herself. Her back is a little sore from the position she’d been laid in holding Judy from behind, but that’s a fair price she’ll gladly pay to have Judy close to her like this. She’s facing Jen now, bangs almost covering her closed eyelids and hair splayed on the pillow. It reminds her of tipsy sleepovers when they were younger, Judy in her ¾ sized bed tucked in close beside her.

Jen leans up to check the clock behind Judy on the bedside drawers, its probably the latest she’d woken up since her college years, 10:30am, and it’s just another example of why being with Judy is freeing. There’s no rules with her, whereas with Ted she was the early riser, she got the boys ready for school and then let him take the credit just because he woke up in time to drop them off, she’d head to work and grind herself all day to pay the mortgage for hischoice of home while Ted played parent of the year at the school gates. She’s never just been able to lay in bed before without the need to send an email or attempt to make breakfast clawing at her. And she revels in it.

Judy’s the first to wake up around an hour later, Jen having fallen back to sleep. It’s to a face of blonde hair and light snores and it makes Judy smile sleepily. Her hand cups Jen’s cheek and she runs her thumb along her cheek bone, soft warm skin seeping into her cold hand, she’s always cold. Judy huddles closer to Jen, shivering a little despite the beaming sunlight. Blankets pull up around her head and she moves into Jen’s chest who unconsciously leans closer, arms parting for Judy. Their faces touch, Judy’s nose to nose with Jen and she loves it, the tickle of Jen’s breath on her face, she laughs at the difference between now and a few hours ago where Jen’s breath was pants and screams. It wakes Jen up, and grins before opening her eyes.

“Are you watching me sleep?”

Judy laughs lightly, “I might be.”

“Perv.”

“Shut up…” Judy lightly hits Jen on the arm with her hand, then pecks her nose.

Jen opens her eyes then, going cross eyed as she looks at Judy. She pulls back slightly and blinks to get rid of the sleep in her eyes.

“Morning.” Jen murmurs, snuggling deeper into the pillow that seems way more comfortable with Judy in her bed.

“Good morning!” Judy says, still smiling widely. Jen, for once, can’t blame her after last night.

There’s obviously no regrets and a weight lifts off of their shoulders when they silently address that issue with more lazy kisses and roaming hands.

When Judy sees the time she jumps up into action, saying that she’s going to make them brunch in bed and she orders Jen not to move with a ‘please…’, which Jen rolls her eyes at when she’s left the room but she remains in bed, checking her phone while Judy potters around in the kitchen. She ends up making pancakes and bringing up a tray of fruit and decorative sauces, the strawberries are eaten teasingly, by Jen, who sucks on each one with a wink before swallowing. They share the bowls, carefully balanced on the bed in front of them, and Jen, who usually is a stiffer about crumbs and food in her bed, spoons pancakes and Nutella into Judy’s mouth unexpectedly only for her to wipe chocolate all over the white sheets. She’ll have to clean them anyways.

*

When Jen arrives to Steve’s house on Monday he’s outside leant up against his car waiting for her, kicking a pebble underneath his feet as if he’s been waiting ages. She’s on time. Checking her makeup in the mirror before leaving, Jen takes a breath and forces a smile, grabs her bag and then climbs out of the car and wipes down her dress unconsciously. She shuts the car door behind her and strides over to Steve swinging her handbag over her shoulder.

“Steve, good afternoon.” Her tone takes a professional edge, her smile hurts.

“Finally…” He mutters, she hears but clenches her jaw together.

“So, if you’ll hand over the keys and the paper work…”

“Oh.” Steve throws his keys her way, she catches them with one hand and twirls them on her finger. “The paper work is already lined up on the counter, and I’ve not had time to clear the basement-“

“Well that’s what I’m here for.” Jen assures, a hand on his shoulder, it almost burns.

Steve practically fucking melts into it, he’s too easy. Nodding he says “yeah, thanks Jen,” and it would be genuine if Jen didn’t see the drool dripping from his mouth like some male porn star. She backs up and nods her head.

“I’ll go and get started.”

“Just keep the keys when your done and I’ll collect them on our next meeting.”

That’s surprising, and maybe this will all be easier than she thought.

“Great, goodbye Steve.”

Steve waves a hand and steps into his car, speeding off down the street with skidding tyres. Jen sighs, dick, and makes her way up into his house.

A rustle in her bag reminds her of the little device toy thing Judy had made her bring to keep her updated, a Walk-y Talk-y. One of Henry’s she thinks, she’d asked to borrow it and Jen had questioned whether this woman was 40 odd or 4 years old, they had phones she didn’t understand why it was needed. But Judy had been so fucking excited when Jen had agreed to take one in her bag, reluctantly, and had said they were ‘like spies’.

Jen dumps her bag on the kitchen counter beside the paper work and removes her jacket, tossing it messily on the counter as if to spite Steve. Her own tidiness forces her to hang it over the back of the chair a few minutes later though. Taking the Walk-y Talk-y from her bag, she fiddles with it for a bit before remembering what Judy had said, click the button and hold.

“Judy… I don’t fucking know if I’m doing this thing right but, if I’m not then I’m just talking to fucking thin air so… like maybe answer if you’re there, Judy?”

Jen sighs, but then there’s a few scuffling noises and Judy’s muffled voice is coming through.

“Jen!”

She’s whispering.

“Jen are you inside?”

Jen shakes her head amusedly, “yeah, baby-you don’t have to whisper ya know? Steve’s not here.” If he was she wouldn’t be speaking into a weird phone toy.

“I know.” Judy’s voice gets louder and a giggle accompanies, “I’m just embracing the spy spirit ya know?”

“We aren’t spies Jude.”

“Sure…” Judy laughs. “Anyway, have you gone into the basement yet?”

“No, he’s conveniently left it untouched so…”

“There’s a lock on the basement, he probably forgot to tell you that part.”

Jen huffs, idiot, “yep,” she heads over to the door beside the utility room, and Judy’s right, there’s a lock on the door asking for 3 numbers. “Do you know the passcode?”

Judy doesn’t respond for a second and Jen thinks she’s lost connection, “Jude?”

“Sorry, I’m thinking…” Judy’s side is silent for a few more moments, then there’s a click, “oh! I remember, I think it’s 696”

Jen slides the numbers in place and sure enough, it opens. “Huh, it opened.” Jen slides the lock off of the door and heads inside and down the stairs, it’s musty and Jen coughs at the thick air.

“There’s a light switch beside the stair case to your…left.”

Jen turns her head at the bottom of the stairs and reaches out to blindly find a switch. “Aha.” She flicks it on and the basement comes into view.

“Fuck…”

Everything is in boxes, there’s about five dozens stacked up all on top of each other, without labels, making her job of finding Judy’s paintings-if they’re even in here-ten times harder.

“Are you busy?” Jen asks.

…

Judy appears half an hour later with grocery store sandwiches, two packets of chips and a flavoured water. She makes a little table out of one of the boxes and kneels on the floor beside it to eat her Falafel sandwich while Jen hints at her with her eyes to come and help rummage through the boxes, she’s been doing it by herself for the past ten minutes while Judy comments on how good her ass looks and how strong her arms her, it’s distracting yet Jen finds herself smiling into box faces behind Judy and her makeshift picnic.

Soon, with Judy’s help after Jen agreed to eat her chicken salad sandwich and Cheetos, they’re about halfway through the boxes, so far having found nothing other than old war medals from Steve’s grandfather, old photo albums that must be Lorna’s because they’re all of Steve and his twin brother Ben Jen didn’t realise he even has, and a wad of fake dollar bills. No paintings. Jen’s starting to get restless, they’ve been in here hours, if feels like, and it’s like a sauna with how hot it’s getting.

Finally, something gives.

“Jen! I got them…”

“What?” Jen moves the box to see Judy.

“Look, I can’t reach thought hold on-“

“No!” Jen pushes past before Judy stands on the other boxes to reach the top one, “You’ll fall, let me…”

Judy stands aside and hovers her hand behind Jen’s back as she stretches and reaches up for the box without stepping on the box as a makeshift ladder, a moment of cheer when she drags the box down with a slam to the floor. Jen tears the tape around the box and then pries open the top.

“Jackpot!”

Jen nods her head, looking up at Judy with a smile. They make quick work of transporting the box upstairs and into Judy’s backseat, Jen does still have to clean the house after all, and once they’ve ate the rest of the lunch Judy had brought in Judy’s car Jen leaves Judy with a chaste kiss and a wave from Steve’s doorway.

Once she’s done with putting the boxes back into place, Jen quickly takes photographs of upstairs, lingering in the now empty nursery. She’s glad she got the blanket before Steve could get rid of it like he seemingly has done with everything else. She sighs and snaps a photograph and then closes the door behind her to head into the next room. The master bedroom has Steve written all over it in the form of his clothes littered around the room, she gags when moving one of his socks to hide under the pillow on the bed for a photograph. The balcony is a lovely addition, and Jen revels in the fresh air while doing some measuring up and more photographing outside. It makes her want to use her own balcony more actually, she makes a mental note to take Judy out there when she’s home, she’s been living with them for a while now and she still hasn’t been out there.

Steve calls once she’s finished the master bedroom and asks how it’s going, she says it’s fine and not to worry. He asks to see some photos and she sends them over to him, Steve’s pretty pleased with how they turned out and she can tell his enthusiasm about selling the house through the phone. She’s pretty proud of herself too, if she can secure a deal for this it’ll be the best and most successful listing yet. With the commission and Judy’s paintings, the mortgage will be old news and Charlie will be able to have this laptop he so desires. And Judy had promised Henry a canvas and a paint set of his own if she managed to retrieve her paintings, Jen’s glad he didn’t get his hopes up for nothing.

*

Steve doesn’t find out about the paintings, he doesn’t even notice they’re gone. He proceeds with his house as normal and Jen’s glad things are moving swiftly on so that she can be done with helping him. When Judy had said that her paintings had money in them she literally meant in them, and when Jen returned home that same night after retrieving them Judy had handed her a canvas and told her to pretend it was Steve’s or Ted’s face and smash it. So she did without fucking question and cheered gleefully when money had spilled out of the back, she’s smashed the back so Judy can reframe them.

So, they cleared the mortgage debt, brought Henry some art sets as well as his own karaoke machine, Judy’s planning on treating Charlie to his own car so it’s only fair. He still gets his laptop and he hugs them both in thanks, Judy first, which makes her smile and tear up just a little.

They’re on their way back home in a shiny, new black Range Rover car, a red ribbon tied on the top in decoration. Jen drives, Judy makes jokes about needing to sip pin-a coladas in the rain while in Bora Bora; Jen suggested they take a vacation there after everything. It’s not like they don’t have the money. Going away with Jen and the boys to somewhere with a crystal ocean, new culture and sun sounds like heaven to Judy.

“So it’s a deal?”

Judy widens her eyes as if to say, ‘as if I’m gonna say no to that offer’, “of course! We can start looking at all inclusive a when we’re home.”

Jen grins, not only at the holiday possibility but the way ‘home’ slips so easily off of Judy’s tongue now. Like shebelieves that it’s home too.

“Ugh good.” Jen shakes her head, moving on, “Charlie will love this car, thanks for this.”

Judy’s hand, that’s resting on her thigh while she drives, squeezes and pats her leg. “I wanted to give him something, it’s not like he can drive it yet though…”

“Yeah, I’ll finally have to get him a license.” Jen says, and Judy notices there’s a strain in her throat, as if she’s reluctant about doing so. Judy recognises the look on Jen’s face as one that’s just worried about their kid, Charlie’s growing up and Jen hates it. Maybe because it reminds her of herself and her own life when she was his age, a childhood plagued with hospitals and chemotherapy and cancer. Or maybe just because he’s growing up too fast, meaning Jen’s getting older too, older than her mother ever was.

“He’ll be a good driver, I can tell.” Judy tells her, “he’s confident yet not cocky, he’s sensible.”

Jen nods in agreement, “you don’t think he’ll be a sheep with his friends then? Ya know, offer to drive them round and-“ Jen trails off sighing, Charlie’s not stupid, she knows that. He wouldn’t do anything to put himself in danger in a car, she hopes anyway. Judy seems to have faith in him though.

“You’re a good driver, was Ted?”

Jen scoffs, “no he fucking wasn’t, one time he crashed into another car while reversing-“

“No…”

“Yeah, so embarrassing-“

“God, well I bet Charlie will get his driving skills from you…” Judy says, like it’s a good thing and Jen smirks proudly.

“Yeah I hope he fucking does because mamma can drive-“

…

There’s a ringing in her ear, smoke coming from all around her suddenly. A rattle of glass falling to the floor. The grinding of cars smashing together echoes loudly in Judy’s pounding head. She hears voices but they’re blurred, someone tapping on the car door her head leans on. She can’t open her eyes straight away, and it’s only the feel of something wet and sticky on her cheek that makes her sit up in shock. Judy winces and a shaky hand comes up to her face, bringing back a coat of blood on her fingers as she pulls her hand away to grab on to the seat belt digging into her neck. She pulls it away from her and squints at the people outside, they’re saying something about an ambulance and a car crash. Judy turns her head to the dashboard that’s covered in shattered glass, the car radio half hanging out of its socket. Only then does she realise there’s a weight on her shoulder, Jen.

Judy sits up suddenly, taking a breath to calm the nausea and dizziness, and turning her head to Jen.

“No…”

Judy lifts Jen’s head up with her hand, cradling her limp head. Judy’s eyes widen as she sees the glass stuck in the side of Jen’s head, blood pouring down the side of her cheek, the red a stark contrast from her pale skin.

“Jen…” This can’t be happening. Judy trails the blood trickling from Jen’s right eyebrow, eyes roaming down to where her arm lays across Judy’s lap. She’d pushed her back, Judy shakes her head at the thought and taps Jen’s shoulder repeatedly, stroking her face, yelling her name, telling her how much she loves her, anything, Jen can’t die, not when she pushed her back into the seat to save her from the wreckage. She won’t wake up.

“Jen please, I love you so much-“

A lady outside the car asks her if she’s okay, if she hurts anywhere, and Judy tells her Jen won’t respond. She manages to snap herself out of her frantic state enough to tell the woman that Jen has a pulse but she thinks it’s week, truthfully she’s not sure; she could be imagining the faint beat against her fingertips because she needs to hear it, she needs Jen to be okay. Judy opens the car door then and holds onto the back seat so she doesn’t fall out from where she’s been slumped against the door. Everything hurts, and the cut on her face from whoever the blood trails from stings, but when the ambulance arrive she tells them to focus on Jen, not her. She’s fine as long as Jen will be.

They drag Jen out of the car like a rag doll, fire engines arrive on the scene and have to cut away some of the car trapping Jen’s legs. Judy waits with a foil sheet around her back and when she scans the scene she notices that the other car they’d slammed into isn’t there, she frowns and cranes her neck to look around but it’s no where to be seen. A paramedic, Dave, asks her to come and wait in the ambulance so he can stitch her forehead and check for signs of concussion but she refuses to budge until Jen’s inside. She rushes to her side once they load her onto a stretcher and holds her hand beside the other paramedics carrying the stretcher.

“It’s going to be okay sweetie I promise…” Judy says fruitlessly, she has no idea whether she will be or not and it terrifies her.

On the drive to the hospital she has to throw up, she’s not sure whether it’s because of the concussion or because Jen’s still lifeless beside her, her hand lays cold in her own and despite the blonde being knocked out unconscious Judy desperately prays for a gentle squeeze back. The ambulance drives quickly and blue sirens flash against the windows, the only comfort for Judy being Jen’s chest raising up and down, she doesn’t take her eyes off of it until she’s pulled away when they arrive at the hospital. It’s a scramble of doctors and nurses and grabbing hands and then Judy’s calling Charlie to tell him about the accident while being patched up by a kind nurse named Elenor who’s allowed her to use her phone.

It’s hard to describe the boys’ faces when they rush into the hospital, Henry first, he barrels into her and asks a hundred and one questions about the accident and her slowly bruising eye and where his mother is. Judy tells them as much as she knows, telling them that because she’s not listed as family they haven’t let her see Jen yet.

“I don’t even know if she’s had surgery or whether she’s even-“

“It’s okay, I’ll go get a doctor, grandma isn’t far behind by the way…” Charlie tells her to sit and steers herself and Henry to a pair of chairs. It’s like her feet are numb and she can’t even feel them moving. She can just about register Henry’s warm hand in her own, gripping tightly in worry.

They hear Lorna before actually seeing her, she’s shouting at one of the receptionists until Henry runs over to hug her. Judy shifts uncomfortably in the seat, impatiently waiting for Charlie to come back. Lorna shakes her head when she sees Judy and does something quite surprising. She hugs her. A one arm around the neck for a brief few seconds sort of hug. But it’s a hug nonetheless and Judy’s grateful for it.

“Hey guys the doctor says he’ll take us to mom…” Charlie yells from down the corridor and Henry runs off in his direction, Judy doesn’t even reprimand him about running indoors because if she could she’d run all the way to Jen’s room too. Lorna follows behind and pushes the doctor for answers, Judy’s thankful she’s there because she still can’t find her own voice.

“Miss Harding suffered a serious head trauma, the impact of the crash caused a contusion…”

They stop walking outside of a hospital room, patients covered by mere curtains.

“It’s a bruise on the brain.” He elaborates, “she also needs an operation on her left wrist, it’s broken in two places, we hope to get her into surgery within the next couple of hours, the nurses are in there dressing the lacerations on her temple, you’ll be able to go in once they’ve finished.”

They look at him in shock, Henry’s face looks as if he’d just seen a ghost, and Judy reaches for his hand before asking.

“The bruise on her brain, what does that mean?”

The doctor pulls out a scan from the file he’s carrying under his arm to support his explanation and illustrates on Jen’s brain scans. “See here…This indicates some swelling so Jennifer is currently in a medically induced coma while her body heals. We’re hoping to bring her round in a few days but when we do we’ll have to test Jennifer’s coordination, memory, reaction time to see how much effect the contusion has had. Then we can start making a plan for recovery…”

Lorna asks questions after while the doctor does his best to respond and Judy’s grateful because it feels as if for the second time that day she’s been hit by a car. Her chest aches and twists violently under her skin, the only place she was injured was her forehead. She can’t see Jen yet but she can imagine what state she’s in, wires hooked left right and centre while a monotone machine beeps next to the bedside.

“Can we see her now?” Charlie asks and it draws Judy out of her spiralling, she desperately wants to see her even if it is in that state.

“You may, but I need to ask that you do so two at a time, your mother is still very sick, there’s a button to press to call if you need us, press that right away if anything changes.”

“Thank you.” Judy says, turning to Charlie and Henry once he’s left.

“Are you two okay?” She asks, because she isn’t but she can pretend she is, she wants them to let her know if they’re worried or scared and not keep it bottled up inside. Charlie looks like he wants to punch someone and cry at the same time.

Henry nods his head, “I prayed for mom on the way here, holy harmonies are going to have a group prayer at rehearsal too, I think God will make sure she’s okay.”

Judy wishes she had his faith, and her own but right now she can’t seem to find that little ounce of belief inside of her. It’s just pain and desperate hope.

She thinks Charlie rolls his eyes, but she crouches down to Henry and smiles the best she can, “that’s lovely Henry, the doctors are very clever people aren’t they? If anyone can help your mom it’s them…”

Judy stands upright and reaches an arm out to Charlie, gladly wrapping it over his shoulders when he doesn’t pull away. “Would you two like to go and see your mom first?”

Charlie relaxes under her shoulders a little and then shrugs out of her hold, taking her hand. “Judy I think you should go see her first, I can’t even imagine what she was like when you last saw her…” Charlie winces thinking about it and he must see it on Judy’s face too because he nudges her in the direction of where Jen’s laid up. “Go, Henry and I can go get something from the cafeteria and then we’ll see her when we get back.”

Henry nods in agreement. Judy quickly hugs them both and then watches as they head in the direction of the elevator with Lorna, she’s kindly offered to drive home and grab Jen some pyjamas and essentials which had earned her another hug from Judy.

Judy walks briskly by the other bedsides, she hated hospitals beforehand but seeing people laid up in a row of beds like this is horrific. They all have family around them, some have nurses tending to their various wounds and broken bones and Judy quickens her pace to the end of the row where Jen is.

When she sees Jen she can’t help jogging the last distance between them to her bedside and taking her wounded face delicately in her hands and capturing Jen’s lips in her own. Judy presses little chaste kisses on her lips, pulling back after each one to roam her eyes over Jen’s face, gradually tearing up as she does so. Judy stands and takes Jen’s hand in between both of her own, tracing her fingers around the iv line attracted to her arm. Jen’s other arm is wrapped in a temporary cast until the surgery, she laughs lightly despite herself as she imagines Jen’s reaction to it. 

“I can’t wait to draw on your cast Jen…” Judy whispers tearfully, leaning down to stroke over Jen’s bloody and matted hair with one hand. “I’m not sure whether they do black casts so, you’re gonna have a hard time matching one to your outfits…”

There’s a flicker over Jen’s eyelids and for a minute Judy thinks she’s waking up but the room is still silent after a few minutes of holding her breath in waiting, and Judy deflates a little, lowering herself into the chair which she drags close to the bed with her ankle.

“The boys are here, Lorna came too, she went home to pick up you’re pyjamas and-don’t worry, I told her the bottom drawer is off limits…” Judy smiles, hearing Jen’s voice replying in her head, ‘fuck I bet Lorna would take the stuff for herself it’s not like she gets any action lately…’.

Not that we know about. Judy would say and Jen would laugh. She sighs and traces her finger tips along her hand, feeling her pulse steadily through her wrist.

“I was so scared Jen, I’ve never been scared like that before…” Judy admits. “I thought I was going to lose you and I couldn’t even breathe Jen I-“ Judy feels herself getting choked up and she swallows past the lump in her throat, “I never want to lose you, I couldn’t live without you now, you’re everything to me. I love you so much…” Judy strokes over Jen’s head, fingers tangling in unkempt hair. The blood dried on her face makes Judy sick to her stomach. A nurse comes in then and she quickly dries her eyes and plants on a smile.

“Hi, is everything okay?” Judy asks.

“The doc just told me her surgery has been pushed forward…” A Texas accent speaks back, Jen would mimic it if she was-well, if she was here.

Judy widens her eyes, “oh! Um do I have time to go and get-“

“If it’s Charlie and Henry you’re worried about they already know and are fine with seeing her after…”

“Oh I-“

“They’re outside, Cha-no, Henry, has been talking my ear off- you have such lovely children…”

Judy grins proudly, ourchildren, “thank you, they’re probably really worried about their mom…” Judy says turning back to Jen.

The nurse reaches to unplug something and gathers the sheets in her hand, tucking them under and getting ready to wheel Jen out.

“Are we allowed to walk with her?” Judy asks, standing up when a few other nurses come inside to change some of the machinery around, Judy has no idea, she stands back with one hand still hooked in Jen’s.

“Sure.” The nurse responds with a reassuring smile.

Judy joins Henry and Charlie outside and the three of them wait for Jen to be wheeled out, walking alongside the bed until they go through to theatre.

“Hi mommy, I hope you’ll be okay soon..”

Judy takes Jen’s hand and ushers Henry in front of her, a hand on his shoulder protectively. Charlie presses a quick kiss to Jen’s head and then tugs Henry back to let Judy have a few minutes.

Before going through the double doors Judy leans over Jen and takes every inch of her face in as if it’s the last time she’ll ever see her, as if she’s engraving it in her mind like a drawing. “I love you so much baby,” Judy whispers tearfully, then presses a kiss to her closed eye lids, nose and then her lips.

She stands back and drops her hand gradually as Jen gets further away, the nurse from earlier assures her she’ll be fine and there’s a family waiting room they can sit in. Judy watches as Jen disappears around a corner and for a while she’s just stood there, silently praying that everything will be okay. She knows it’s just a broken wrist she’s having surgery for but there’s a bruise on her brain, she may never recover from it, she could have brain damage or paralysis and she may not remember Judy at all, or anything. She’s seen it online, stories of people involved in traumatic events like this and they’re damaged for life. Charlie’s hand on her shoulder jolts her back to the hospital room, this is Jen she’s thinking about, the strongest woman she knows. She’ll be okay, Judy has to believe that, there’s no other choice.

“Come on, we got you a chai tea and a breakfast bar, it’s not breakfast but…”

Judy lets him steer her to the room where they sit down, the sound of the ticking clock taunting them while they try anything to make time go faster.