By the beach
Laguna, 2018.
Drop dead.
You fucking prick.
You make me sick.
Get outta my head.
“Fuck.”
A hushed whisper and a slammed hand stops the music bellowing from the car, currently parked outside a grief group meeting her business partner and friend (although he may not be after this) Christopher has practically bribed her into going too, how could Jen Harding possibly pass up 2 whole crates of wine. As she looks in the mirror she brings a tissue to her crying, sore eyes, dabbing at the corner of them with shaking fingers. Jen shakes her head to snap herself out of her sorrowful state and forces herself out of the car with the mindset that she only has to go to one meeting and she’ll never see any of these people again.
It’s easier after that to make her legs move in the direction of the entrance to the small outdoor meeting space Pastor Wayne (a friend of Christopher’s Jen’s just dying to meet) had set up for their ‘grief circle’ as he called it over the phone. It’s a decent place she has to admit, it’s secluded and has a gazebo tent sort of thing, and coffee which she makes a beeline to as soon as she spots the table.
Some people are already sat down she notices, just two empty spots left at the chairs, assuming there’s one for her and one for another pitiful soul that ended up here. Never did she think she’d ever go to a grief group, despite the amount of grief she’s had in her life, she’d lived with it. She hates sharing and hates listening to other peoples stories, she has her own problems why would she want to take on anyone else’s, she’s learned that she’s not good at helping other people anyway. Just like other people can’t help her. It’s a farce really, being here, being expected to tell a bunch of strangers about her feelings, but she’d promised, and the wine is probably waiting for her at home with Christopher who’s probably struggling right now to look after her kids, she scoffs at the thought, he’s never volunteered to watch them before. She figures she’ll at least give this thing a try, for Charlie and Henry, she needs to be better for them and she knows it, she’s just not sure how going to a grief group will help.
Turns out the coffee is horrible and she spits it out halfway through a mouth full back into the styrofoam cup. Great start. Another woman walks up to the spot she was just in to try the coffee and she supposed her good deed of the day can be to warn this woman that is absolutely fucking rank.
“I’d skip the coffee, it’s horrible.” She surprises herself by doing so, usually she’d do anything to avoid conversation with random people, but she figures she’ll sacrifice a moment of her time so that the woman doesn’t have to go tasting the same toilet water disguised as coffee she just did.
The woman looks up, through her long-ish bangs, and Jen finds it hard to look her in the eye with all the distracting colours she wears, a rainbow striped coloured t shirt and a long flowing skirt.
She smiles up at Jen and then frowns, “I made it.”
Oops. So much for good deed of the day. “Oh. I’m sorry.” She says awkwardly, stepping back from the table and the quite…striking brunette who’s looking at her with puppy dog eyes.
She stares at her for a minute and Jen feels her face colouring up, and then breaks out into a small laugh with “no I’m just kidding…”
Oh my god. “Oh, ha.”
“I’m Judy.” She adds then, sticking her hand out in waiting.
Hmm, formal. “Jen.” And she hesitates to take her hand a little, she’s hardly ever heard the name Judy, mainly Judith or-
Jen links her hand with the outstretched one and shakes it twice, the brunette seems to linger, eyes narrowing intensely. Jen doesn’t know what it is but something about her seems familiar, like she’s having a strange sense of de ja vu. She shakes her head and puts it down to the weirdness of this whole situation and steps back a little, about to head off into her seat until the woman speaks again. She’s relentless this one, Jen thinks and urges her feet to stay put. She seems nice, there’s nothing awful about her, and she has pretty eyes so Jen owes it to her to stay at least until the meeting starts, she doesn’t suppose she’ll have any better conversations with the others.
“Oh you live in Newport?”
“Yeah-“ she smiles, “I know I, look like I don’t belong there…”
“It’s not a bad thing to not belong there.” Jen says with a smile, then reaches inside her pocket and holds out her card to Judy, “but if you ever need an estate agent you know where to find me.”
Judy takes it with a smile, “thank you! I might,” and Jen wonders how she keeps it up for so long, there’s smile lines at the side of her cheeks though and Jen thinks it’s actually genuine.
She learns that Judy’s husband died of a heart attack suddenly, his name was Steve and he was some big businessman that Judy dotes over. Jen doesn’t reveal much until the topic of forgiveness comes up and asks ‘how can I forgive someone who crashed into my husband while drunk driving, meaning my children now live without a father and might as well not have a mother too because I’m so fucking shit at being one’, leading several pairs of eyes to land on her all at once and she overwhelmingly looks away, only to land on Judy’s eyes in the next chair but one, and calm a little. She doesn’t know why but her anger subsides, perhaps it’s just Judy’s hipster vibe she gives off.
The group isn’t as bad as she thought it would be, she shares a tiny bit about her trouble sleeping which wasn’t really resolved so she didn’t really see any point in sharing it and she laughs twice at a joke Pastor Wayne tells. Jen leaves a little lighter than when she first came (only slightly but she supposed shouting at a circle of strangers has given her some release). In fact, she even feels good enough to go into work she thinks. Since Ted had died she hadn’t been working more than a few times a week because for one; the boys needed her and for two; she could snap at any minute and doing so at a young couple ready to buy their first home wouldn’t be good for business or her reputation. And, dealing with Lorna was hard enough on a good day, never mind on days when Henry crawls into her bed halfway through the night because he’d had a nightmare about Ted’s car accident, or days when Charlie shouts angry accusations at her about Ted driving that night. Which, she wasn’t completely innocent in his actions that night, they’d had a fight, a pretty big one. But husbands and wives argue all the time, what husbands don’t usually do is go out at 1am because he simply can’t bare being in the house with her any longer.
Once she’s packed up her chair she slips away from the circle easily and pops on her sunglasses and she thinks she’s getting away undetected until someone jogs up beside her, Judy of course. Jen stops walking slightly and pulls her glasses down her nose, showing her eyes a tiny bit.
Judy puts a hand on her forearm and holds out a small piece of paper, “here…” Jen takes the paper and Judy’s hands clench together, fidgeting seemingly nervously. “I’m up all night, feel free to call me.”
Jen just nods trying so show appreciation with the small smile she gives her, it’s a little word, she hardly knows this woman, but it’s also kinda nice she has to admit.
*
Her day only gets worse from there though, when she arrived at work she found Lorna discussing with some of her of contacts about planning a memorial service, most likely for Ted’s birthday that’s coming up in a few weeks time. She hasn’t forgotten but it’s not like Ted can be here for it so why do anything at all. Then, Henry had said before heading to bed that he didn’t want to go to school tomorrow and that he wants to stay with her because he ‘didn’t want her to be alone’ and that has her balling her pitiful eyes out on the toilet for a good half hour. When she finally pulls herself together, she changes into something more comfortable; an old college t shirt she still had and some pyjama bottoms before climbing into bed. She lies their hours trying to fall asleep, realising when she looks at the clock for the hundredth time that it’s been two hours, it’s now 12:06.
It’s another half a minute before just decides to fuck it, she’ll just do it. Judy offered after all. Jen climbs out of bed and goes to fetch her jacket that she had on earlier, she digs through the pocket and takes the paper from earlier with Judy’s number on, a heart drawn underneath that Jen rolls her eyes at with a small smile.
It rings a few times, and Jen thinks about hanging up because of the unexplainable hammering in her chest, she wills it to stop and shakes her head against the phone. Then there’s a small rustle and a small “hello” and Jen’s stammering to say “hello” even though it’s just one little word.
What the fuck is going on?
“It’s uh Jen from the grief group thing.”
A realisation happens and then Judy’s saying a more excited “hi!” and assuring Jen it’s not too late when she asks if it is.
“What’re you wearing?” Judy asks then and Jen frowns confusedly, then remembers to speak because Judy can’t actually see her obviously.
“Um an old shirt and pyjama pants that are slightly too big…” Jen replies, wondering where this is going.
Judy hums and then says “slower” in a seductive voice, then they’re both laughing through the phone until it quietens for Jen to ask “what the fuck…” with a scoff. “You’re a weird person Judy.” She adds then with a strangely fond eye roll. She hardly knows this woman.
Judy must shift her position a little because her “thanks” is muffled, and then it sounds like crunching so Jen asks “are you eating something?”
“Mhm, it’s an Entenmann’s cookie you know the little ones?”
“Why, yes I do…”
And then they talk for who knows how long, eating cookies and Jen sipping wine. Judy tells her a little about Steve, he’s handsome, owns a big house and is practically rich, and Jen shares a photo of Ted over messenger and tells Judy a little about her work, Charlie and Henry, and her hell of a day. It’s in the early hours when Jen yawns, and Judy points out that she’s tired.
“I am.” She says, she hardly noticed, it’s been nice, talking to someone her own age that isn’t always Christopher, his relentless enthusiasm can get annoying.
“I’ll let you go…”
“No.” Jen says before thinking it over, “will you…would you mind staying until I fall asleep, like all the way asleep?” And she grimaces once it’s out, she wouldn’t be surprised if Judy hangs up right there and blocks her number. But Judy’s better than her.
“Sure.”
And honestly it’s the best night sleep she’s had in a long time.
*
It becomes a ritual, having a shitty day and then talking to Judy and feeling like she can wake up in the morning.
…
“I can only imagine how fun that is.” Jen says sarcastically, because working with a bunch of old people like Judy does sounds completely awful. She can see how Judy would like it though, from only the few times they’ve spoke she can tell she’s patient and kind, the way she’s dealt with her over the phone outbursts about how fucking shit life is at the minute anyone would think she’s an angel.
“I love painting, and some of them are nice except a lot of the women make fun of my outfits,” Judy says and Jen can imagine her pouting on the other end of the phone. “Abe always tells them off for it though, he’s lovely on the inside but a stone wall on the out but somehow I got through to him.”
“I’d probably like this Abe.” Jen says.
“You would,” Judy agrees, “he’s basically on older, male version of you!”
“Except when I’m older I won’t be living in an elderly home.”
“An assisted living facility.” Judy corrects with a laugh.
“I swear to god I will disown my kids at 80 if they even think about it…”
*
“Autumn is my favourite time of year, it’s a month of transformation and a time to reflect and embrace change…”
Judy says in response to Jen’s complains about the weather changing and having to shuffle leaves already on the pathway when she goes to and from the house, it’s still supposed to be summer but the world isn’t acting like it. Judy sounds like Jen’s old English teacher.
“And leaves are so pretty.”
Jen scoffs, “I think sunshine and martinis by the beach are prettier.”
“Oh, so you’re a martini kind of girl” Judy teases, a flirtatious glint in her voice that Jen’s pretty sure she isn’t imagining, “let me guess, dry with two olives…”
“Three, extra ice.” Jen says, “and for you…hmm, anything fruity I’m guessing.”
“I do love a good fruity tasting drink, especially cherry, oh! And I love a classic pinacolada.”
*
“You’ve never had one?!” Judy exclaims.
“Nope.”
“Well I’ll have to change that, they’re amazing, and such a simple breakfast, your boys would love them.”
“Something called a frittata doesn’t seem like it should be nice,” Jen says with a short scoff.
“Mine are.”
“I bet.”
There’s a few moments where they’re just eating, cookies again and Jen hates the crumbs that are going into her bed but it’s almost midnight and sitting at the kitchen counter again will make her ass go stiff and back worse than it already is. And ‘Facts of Life’ is on, a show they mutually enjoy and they’ve been watching every night when it comes on, Jen can’t believe she only found out about this when Judy had told her, she’d loved the show when she was younger. Judy’s a hundred percent a Mrs Garret, even though Judy claims to be a Tuti, ‘“it’s layered”.
They’re watching one night outside Jen’s, glasses of half full wine in hand and blankets draped over their laps, it may be summer but it’s nearing autumn and it’s cold outside at night in Laguna. The stars twinkle in the night sky, the only light coming from the tv and the circular lights dotted around Jen’s fancy outdoor living room, as Judy had called it, and it’s bliss. No stress, no worrying about what her kids are doing because they’re at Lorna’s and have already texted her goodnight, no work…
Jen leans back into the seat with a content sigh.
“You are such a Blair.” Judy comments then, making her lean forward as if startled.
“Fuck you.”
“What? Why?”
“I’m a Jo,” Jen scoffs like this is a fact, and then leans forward to rest her glass on the table.
“How are you a Jo? You’ve got the long blonde hair, and you’re gorgeous, and I’m sitting here watching tv in your outdoor living room that looks like something from a movie…” Judy says, Jen feels her heart flutter at the compliment, but doesn’t address it, instead focusing on the absurdity of Judy believing she’s a Blair.
“I’m a fucking Jo,” Jen says shaking her head. “I’m tough.” She shrugs and adds “and I’m from Brooklyn.”
“You are?”
“Yep.”
“You don’t sound like you’re from Brooklyn.”
“Well when I was a kid I used to have an accent but, it kinda fizzed out because I lived in New York for a while and then LA even, I’ve travelled quite a lot…” Jen tells her, reaching forward to sip the last quarter of wine.
“What did you sound like?” Judy asks with a glisten in her eye, and then Jen can’t refuse to do the accent, and she’s glad she doesn’t because it makes Judy laugh like she’s never laughed before, and Jen feels a warming in her usually stone cold heart.
“Wow, you’re a Jo.” Judy says, nodding her head firmly and finishing the last part of her wine, once she’s done she wraps the blanket further around herself, her leather jacket (that Jen’s pleasantly surprised to see her wearing because she wouldn’t picture Judy wearing something black for one, or so…regal-y and casual and biker girl-ish, not that she’d pictured Judy, obviously) not doing much to provide warmth.
“Yeah I’m a piece of work…” Jen says, “according to my business partner Christopher,” she tilts her head and extends the last syllable in sarcasm, “my anger is hard to work with and an issue” she adds finger air quotes with an eye roll.
“I think you’re anger is understandable, maybe you should try meditating or channelling it in some way,” Judy says with a teasing yet caring smile, Jen wonders how she does that, so many things at once, then wonders how she can read her that well after a few days of knowing her.
“I meditate.” Jen says with a shrug.
And that’s how they end up in Jen’s car, Judy looking a little cautious as Jen bangs her head so hard she could get whiplash to whatever music is playing, then as she carries on driving she gets more into it, even starts bopping her head to the song Jen plays next. The look Jen gives her is something like a thank you, for not being repulsed or weirded out by her individualistic, unique way of grieving, mediating. Judy just smiles and tells Jen to take the next left because she has an idea, which is how they end up on the beach with a blanket from Jen’s car.
They sit close enough that their body heat is passed between one another, knees bumping every so often when one of them shifts. The ocean washes up and down on the shore, and Judy tells her how peaceful it is, how compared to the ocean they’re just like tiny grains of sand. The breeze is even colder by the shore, and Judy shuffles even closer until an arm is behind Jen as Judy leans back on it and their thighs tough.
Judy seems to have another light bulb moment, leading her to search her pocket and pull out a joint and ask Jen if she wants some. Jen forgets it’s legal sometimes, she did it twice with Ted but, it wasn’t exactly enjoyable with him using it as an excuse to feel her up after every puff because “weed fuels my desire, Jen”, that was before her mastectomy, of course because he never touched her after that.
Jen resists for a moment before Judy says, “it’ll help you sleep” and then she thinks fuck it and moves to take it from Judy’s fingers.
As Judy moves it towards Jen, her sleeve rides up and reveals a bracelet on her wrist, and as Jen carefully focused on taking the joint without dropping it she pauses, fingers touching, and notices a tattoo on her wrist, a small crescent moon and two stars. Something draws her eyes to it, and without thinking Jen takes the joint with her other hand and used her left to pull Judy’s sleeve up. Judy frowns but stays still.
“Umm, Jen?” Judy asks with a giggle, “I’d blame this on the weed but you’ve not even had a drag yet.”
Jen shakes her head with a smile, “sorry I-“ and what is she supposed to say, she doesn’t know what to think but she has a strange sense of de ja vu, images in her head of a bus shelter and a subway and swings. She takes a drag and tips her head back, blowing clouds of smoke out in front of her.
“Are you okay?” Judy asks and places a hand on her leg.
“Yeah, sorry…” Jen takes another drag and laughs. “It immediately feels nice…”
Judy laughs with her and rests her head on her shoulder, Judy’s somehow warm cheek seeping heat through her coat. Jen rests her head on top of thick hair, breathing in the scent of weed and coconut shampoo.
There’s still a feeling in her stomach, something gnawing at her but she doesn’t know what it is. Jen reaches for Judy’s hand, tracing the tattoo on her wrist as she stares at it, she’s seen it before but she can’t think of where, it’s not like she spends her time looking at constellation or tattoo symbols or anything.
“This is nice,” Judy says then, nuzzling further into her shoulder and moving her hand to link with Jen’s, fingers intertwining.
Jen nods in a silent agreement, gazing out absentmindedly to the ocean. It glistens against the twinkling night sky, washing up and down further on the shore than when they first arrived, waves crash against the rocks carried by the wind. It’s picking up and Judy pulls the blankets further up around them.
“Lights out.” Jen says and Judy takes the joint from her. She doesn’t realise how high she actually is until she starts laughing for no reason and the sand becomes a big blur of dark mustard coloured ground. Jen glides her fingers through it and picks some up to release it and watch it fall to the sand and disappear amongst the other grains.
“Good you probably shouldn’t have anymore anyway.” Judy smiles and takes Jen’s sand dusted hand, brushes it off and then holds it between both of her own again.
“Yeah, I don’t think so either.”
Judy giggles and shoves Jen’s shoulder with her own, muttering something about how she’s so fucking high and they should either catch a cab or wait to drive home.
They decide on walking into the pier where a few of the takeaways are open, Jen’s car’s still parked up in the car park ready for them to eat their food in once collected. Jen’s a little wobbly, Judy’s seemingly better at handling the high than she is, she feels like she’s walking on clouds that disintegrate and let her fall through as her wedged shoes sink into the sand as she walks. Judy’s giggling at Jen, one arm wrapped around her waist to steady her.
“I’m better at being drunk than high…”
“Total opposite for me, I’m a light weight.” Judy says, steering them on to the steps up to the path. “Are you fancying anything in particular?”
Jen thinks about it and then points to a burger stand, “one of those, with a load of greasy onions and cheese and pickles.”
“One of those it is, wait here I’ll get it for us.” Judy leaves Jen at a bench and she sits down and crosses her legs, she thinks she has the urge to go to the bathroom but that could just be the damp bench. Her mind is just, not even her mind right now.
Judy returns a few moments later with a burger for Jen and fries with cheese melted on top for herself, she ends up sharing half of them with Jen anyway. They sit together on the bench instead of the car because Jen’s burning up and her hands are sweaty, the cool breeze is actually quite relaxing. It’s quiet, the burger van closes after a few more people order and the beach is just as desolate as it was when they got here. Flashing lights come from a bar further down the pier, music drowned out by the wind and waves.
Jen turns to look at Judy, peeling a bit of cheese off of the fry with her teeth, she seems to examine it before plopping it in her mouth. Her legs dangle off the bench and she kicks them, like Henry would. Her leather jacket is zipped up now but her nose runs and she sniffles every so often. So, Jen takes her coat off and wraps it over Judy’s shoulders despite protests from the brunette that Jen will be the one cold then, Jen just shakes her head and takes a big bite out of her burger so she doesn’t have to fake a halfhearted reply to maintain her stubborn bad bitch image. She’s pretty sure that’s already dropped with Judy though after the couple weeks of knowing her, she questioned how she was a Jo after all.
“That was fucking amazing.” Jen says, wiping her mouth with a napkin and then wrapping it up inside the paper wrapper that the burger came in, she tosses it to the trash can next to them and cocks her head with a smirk when it lands inside.
Judy tries and fails to get her rubbish in, which Jen picks up for her and throws herself. Judy turns to Jen then.
“I don’t feel like going home.” Judy says sadly, it’s getting late and Judy can only get inside the assisted living facility before 11pm, Jen still finds it pretty miserable that she lives there all alone even though Judy insists it’s fine.
“You could stay? The boys ate at their grandma’s and I don’t have work in the morning?” Jen offers with a small smile.
Judy shakes her head quickly, “I wouldn’t wanna overstep.”
“You wouldn’t be, I offered, just say yes.”
Judy thinks about it before saying a quiet “yes,” and then smiling gratefully at Jen. “Thank you.”
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“I dunno,” Jen shakes her head, and then says, almost shyly, “just for, coming into my life I guess like some, weird little pot fairy.”
Judy smiles.
“And for not pitying me or being repulsed by my version of…whatever it is I’m doing with my life.”
Judy places a hand over Jen’s on the bench and links their fingers, “thank you for the same.”
They spend a few more minutes looking at the view and basking in the warmth of holding one another’s hand, Judy’s not cold anymore so she gives Jen her coat back. Then Judy yawns and Jen says they should head back. It’s only a 5 or so minute walk to the car and Jen’s head is clear enough to drive so she climbs into the drivers seat and starts the car, leaving the radio and music off. They drive home in a comfortable silence and Jen realises when they’re gone that Judy’s fallen asleep leaning against the window. Shaking her shoulder to wake her up, Judy stirs and checks her surroundings in a moment of panic, Jen reassured her with a whispered “hey,” and then helps her out of the car and up to her bedroom.
It has to be her bedroom for no other reason than the guest bed isn’t made up and the guesthouse is full of Ted’s shit still. Judy suggests sleeping on the couch but Jen just tugs her upstairs wordlessly with a shake of her head.
She hands her some clothes to sleep in and a toothbrush, they stand side by side bare faced and pyjama clad while Jen does her nightly routine, teeth, face, moisturiser and Judy combs over her bangs with Jen’s hair brush. Jen thinks she’s never felt this ease with Ted, they often went to bed at different times and sometimes she’d be working at night or he’d stay in the guesthouse when he’d been using his music equipment in there.
Judy climbs into bed first with Jen encouraging her to go ahead, she pops a quick eye mask under her eye and fills a glass of water and downs it before heading to bed, tossing the mask in the bathroom bin as she goes.
“You think you’ll be able to sleep okay tonight?” Judy asks facing Jen, cheek sinking into the pillow.
Jen smiles softly into Judy’s tired eyes and says, “you know what I think I might.”
Judy smiles. Jen leans over to switch off the lamp and rolls back over to face Judy. The brunettes eyes droop shut and Jen’s follow a few moments later, they slip into a state nearing unconsciousness, Judy quickly saying a mumbled “goodnight Jen” and the blonde returning it, before each of them slip into a comfortable slumber.