By the blinding lights

They’ve arranged to meet up this surprisingly sunny-yet icy cold-Sunday afternoon, the trains are quiet enough for Rosie to come with Jen without fuss so they’re meeting on the subway, changing at the stop after Jen’s and then hopping on a bus to the park. Jen says she knows the way. Judy sits in their usual spot with her head leant on the window. She thinks over the past few weeks and how much her life has changed just because she’s not got Jen in it. They’ve seen each other practically every day since Jen’s recital, had gotten lunch a few times on days where Judy’s shift is in the afternoon and Jen has an hour break from the studio. Jen says they’re getting ready for boot camp, a week long of activities where children and other teenagers come in and do a week of intensive or beginner dance workshops and lessons, at the end they’re offered a chance of joining the studio. Judy’s working almost every day now, she takes up a lot of overtime because it isn’t like she’s got anything else on her radar. Her mom pops back to the trailer every now and then but mostly she’s out, she’s seen her twice this week and both of those times she’d come home for a mere change of clothes and a bite to eat and had disappeared yet again. Judy finds herself caring less every day about where her mom goes, she knows wherever it is has drugs and alcohol because whenever she comes home she’s high or falling all over the place. Having Jen distracts her from that and she worries a lot less about Eleanor now than she used to, she can’t change her and she’s just about accepted that.

They pull into Jen’s stop and Judy sees her holding Rosie on a red leash, Rosie wags her tail as Jen goes about moving towards a door and Judy sits up in her seat waiting. She sees Rosie walk on first and then Jen, who smiles in greeting while walking over to her.

“Hi!” Judy reaches out to let Rosie who happily complies and shoves herself between the seat and Judy’s legs.

“What am I chopped liver?”

Judy shakes her head smiling. Jen sits beside Judy and hands Judy Rosie’s leash, “here.” Judy takes it with a smile and grips the leash in her hands, Jen’s trusting her with Rosie so she can’t mess this up, one leg steadies Rosie as the train jerks into movement so she doesn’t fall.

“How are you?” Judy asks then, her hand constantly running through Rosie’s thick fur.

“I’m okay, tired though, I stayed up last night trying to choreograph a dance for the mini’s who’re coming next week…” Jen says while stretching her arms over her head. Her back cracks as she does and she struggles to get comfortable on the hard train seats.

“Did you manage to come up with anything?”

“Like a few eight counts but the music is awful, it’s not even a real song and it sounds like it’s sung by a bunch of five year olds.” Jen rolls her eyes, “anyways how about you?”

“I’m good.” Judy nods. She wracks her brain trying to think of something to tell Jen in return, she’s shared with her and now she feels guilty she doesn’t have anything to share back. Except for…”oh, Paul says he might have an art commission for me, he wants his nephew painting for a gift for his birthday so he asked if I’d be up for it.”

“Seriously!? That’s amazing, is he paying you?”

Judy had forgotten to ask that part when Paul had proposed it to her, she was just so excited that someone actually wanted her to paint for them, especially as a family birthday present. It’s quite stupid when she thinks back on it now, she’d just agreed right away without any thought about whether she’d even have the right supplies or time to even get a painting done. She hasn’t completed a piece in ages because of work.

“Um, I don’t know I didn’t ask.”

Jen shakes her head, “don’t let him not pay alright?”

Judy just nods tight lipped.

“I mean it, I will come and tell him myself, Judy Hale doesn’t work for free.” Jen tells her with a serious look on her face. There is is again, the defence and protection that Judy’s never had before. She doesn’t really know how to handle it.

“Thanks.” Judy settles with and pats Jen’s knee.

Jen shrugs, “oh, come on this is our stop…”

Judy stands up, the leash held tightly in her clammy hands. They make their way to the door and when the train stops they hop off the train letting Rosie jump down off the ledge first. They walk up the stairs and out onto Bridge Street, walk a few minutes until they reach a small corner store named ‘Sallie’s’, it’s a small newsagent, a convenience type of store and Jen tells just she’s going to grab them snacks for the park while Judy waits outside with Rosie. She comes back out moments later with a black plastic bag and a big bottle of Coke wedged under her right arm.

They walk on, down a few more streets and then through a green painted gate, which some of the paint falls off of like thin tree bark in Judy’s hand as she pulls it open and releases it shut again. The park is practically empty save for a few runners and bike riders. There’s a forest area to the left of them that bends around the back of the park into a sort of exit/entrance situation at each side of the park, the trees opening in a clearing at either end. There’s benches dotted around the park beside a path that circles in between the grass, a patch of field is in the middle and there’s a small basic park with a simple swing set and slide in the far end. It’s fenced off so Jen bends to unhook Rosie’s leash who runs off after the tennis ball Jen gives Judy to throw for her, it doesn’t end up going very far and Jen side eyes her trying not to laugh.

“Oops.” Judy says, taking the ball again when Rosie brings it back to them.

They walk on the path and into the forest, there’s a stream running though the middle with stepping stones and rocks so Jen says they should sit there for a while. Rosie runs through the water at full speed and splashes them both with freezing cold water, the springy lab looking mischievously back at them both before heading off to explore the trees.

Jen dumps down the bag and coke, waiting a little bit before opening the lid and taking a gulp. She offers the bottle to Judy who accepts and takes a sip.

“I forgot about cups sorry.” Jen says, taking one last drink before putting the lid back on.

“No worries.” Judy says, not minding at all that she has to share a bottle with Jen, or the fact that Jen must be wearing lipgloss or chapstick which gets on the lid before Judy got a sip.

Jen empties the contents of the back into the rock they’re sitting on, “okay so I got us gobstoppers, Doritos, the chilli ones I hope you like that flavour,” Judy does. “Fizzy lacy sweet things-I don’t know they were cheap…” Judy laughs, taking one of them from Jen’s offering hand. “And Oreos.”

“Healthy.” Judy teases, wincing a little from the sourness of the Apple flavoured lace. Jen’s face mirrors hers and she smacks her tongue against the roof of her mouth dramatically.

“Rosie!” Jen whistles for her, she’s off god knows where and Judy would be worried if it wasn’t for Jen’s confidence that she’d be fine. Seconds later Rosie appears carrying a large stick over to them, “oh no you better drop that before you come Rose…” Jen says, her arm stretching out to prevent Rosie carrying the stick any further.

“Here Rosie!” Judy takes the ball from her pocket and throws it, a little further than earlier but it does the trick as Rosie drops the stick and fetches the ball instead. Jen picks the muddy branch up with her index finger and thumb and throw it halfheartedly away from them. She wipes the mud off on her coat. It’s black anyway.

Judy sits cross legged, she looks much younger than she actually is with a dark green beanie pushed onto her head and her flyaway bangs peaking out from underneath. Her cheeks are rosy and Jen can see her teeth chattering from the cold, so she offers her scarf to Judy without actually waiting for an answer because knowing Judy it’d probably be ‘no thank you I’m fine’ even though she’s not, so takes it from her own neck and loops it around Judy’s, taking the longer end of the scarf and tucking it under the knot. Judy leans into it with her chin, it’s warm from Jen’s neck.

“My moms having her next chemo round tomorrow.” Jen tells her, it’s never been this easy before, to just tell someone about the shitty stuff that’s happening in her life, especially anything involving her mom’s cancer because she can’t stand the fake understanding or even worse, pity. With Judy it’s like spreading already melted butter onto hot toast.

“Do you go?” Judy asks, “to the hospital I mean…” she clarifies.

“I used to go a lot when I was younger…” Jen says. She remembers sitting beside her mom’s chair, playing with her polly pocket dolls either on the chair next to all the large hospital equipment (that used to scare her a little) or the cold floor while her mom had drugs pumped into her to fight that the cancer that was spreading like wildfire. The nurses would play with her sometimes or bring her orange juice specially for her, the one without bits in because she didn’t like that kind. “Now not so much, but sometimes I do. She has friends there so she’s not lonely or anything.” Jen says, making sure Judy knows she’s not heartless. She hates going to chemo sessions with her now, the room is filled with sick people, those later on in the cancer journey who may have not got long to live, those who are terrified to start it and those like her mom who keep reappearing in the same hospital chairs over and over again because the cancer won’t take a hint.

“Good!” Judy says, then regrets the choice of wording because it’s not good. “I’m sure it’s hard for her, and you.”

Jen nods, the sigh indicating that she doesn’t know what else to really say. So Judy does what Judy does best and steers the topic in a more light hearted direction, talking about how musically the birds chipper above them or about how she’d love to paint the scene in front of them with the water and trees and Rosie running through them. Jen loves that about her. Loves? Likes.

She doesn’t know what else she’d call it though, ‘likes’ seems too empty, because she feels deeply about how happy and free Judy makes her feel even if she doesn’t want to admit it. She can’t deny it though, this past month with Judy has been one of the best. It feels like flying with out the constricts of an aeroplane.

“I like history!”

“Boring…”

They’re talking about school and what subjects they like, and of course Judy loves practically all of them.

“Maths is boring.”

“Finally one you don’t like.”

“I’m right though, algebra is just a bunch of x’s” Judy waves her hands when speaking, passionately so about her dislike for maths.

“And y’s.” Jen adds, a grin creeping up on her face.

Judy laughs in response, and once it quietens again she takes a sip of coke, eyes tearing a little at the fizzy-ness. Or maybe it’s because of the cold. Because her nose is running and she thinks her feet are numb, so she stands and walks over to the stepping stones and carefully walks across to the other side avoiding the water. She turns back to face Jen and smiles widely, as if saying ‘I did it!’, and then hops back over with a spring in her step.

“My legs feel like stones.” Judy says, offering a slight explanation for the impromptu wonder. She doesn’t sit down beside Jen, instead she shifts from one leg to the other and tries to get rid of the tingling in her feet.

“We can walk for a bit if you want?” Jen suggests with a shrug.

“If you want.”

“Do you want to?” Jen asks her.

“Alright.”

Jen shakes her head with a laugh, “pull me up.” She reaches her arms forward and flexes her fingers before Judy takes her hands and dramatically heaves her up, almost falling backwards in the process. Jen falls into Judy’s chest as she releases her hands and it’s soft and…cushiony. It makes her feel a little awkward so she steps back a bit, relaxing when Judy’s still got the same wide stretched smile on her face. Jen snaps out of whatever fixation she just had and calls Rosie, her collar jingling as she runs over to the two of them.

As they walk side by side, the path is narrow and there’s muddy patches to either side of them, that’s why they’re walking so closely, their hands brush against one another’s, neither step away or fall behind a step. Fingers touch like two magnets not quite meeting, the pull is there but they move up and down, circling each other until something gives and they connect, positive to negative. Jen eyes Judy as they walk, she’s smaller than her so it’s easy just to look down at the corner of her eye, the scarf is still bundled around her neck and she can just see her pointed lips over the material. Jen looks ahead at the slightly rockier path and decides just to take the leap and grasp Judy’s hand in her own, she doesn’t even look at Jen in question, she just holds her hand back yet Jen still feels the need to justify her action. She likes Judy and doesn’t want her to fall, she is often unsteady on her feet.

“So you don’t trip.” Jen voices, air clouding in front of her as she does.

Judy seems confused for a second before feeling a squeeze on her hand, “my hero.” She says with a fond smile.

From anyone else it’d sound sarcastic or cringe and uncomfortable, from Judy it sounds like her favourite song.

*

It’s only the beginning of week 3 of summer break and Jen comes home from dance to a pile of homework sent from school, balancing on the end of the kitchen counters. Her dad points it out to her and she says she’ll take it to her room, bundling the files and folders into her arms and heading upstairs before she drops them all. Her arms are about to give way and she gets to her bed just in time to dump them on the top, herself too, flopping down next to them making the bed cream at the weight. Her head lands beside the stack of work and she turns away, laying on her back looking up at the ceiling. Jen doesn’t feel like moving, let alone taking the leotard off that’s under her clothes, least of all making a start on dinner that she has to make tonight. That whole arrangement had started because Jen’s dad had complained that she did too little around the house and that once a week she should make family dinner for the three of them. She’d reluctantly agreed, telling them after her first meal (which will be disgusting because she can’t cook to save her life) they’ll be scrapping that and she’ll just have to watch the dishes or something instead.

It had been full on in the studio today and then her and Judy had walked around the shops close by at lunch so her legs were aching and her feet hurt from being cramped inside of boots and ballet slippers all day. She rolls her ankles and her left one cracks, Jen lets out a little ‘ow!’ Her arm squishes in next to her, between the stack of work and her thigh, she really needs to ask for a double bed.

A knock sounds on her bedroom door then and Samantha steps inside, pulling a face when she sees Jen half on and half off her bed, t-shirt rising half up her torso. “You got your summer work then?”

“Yep.” Jen nods with a groan, sliding off of the bed with a thump. She rests her head on her arms on the duvet, closing her eyes and silently willing her mom to leave her alone for at least five working days. Maybe she’ll have recovered by then.

“You know Jen…” Samantha grabbed Jen’s desk chair and pulls it to sit on, crossing her legs once she does. “Me and your dad were talking earlier, have you even started applying for college yet?”

“No.”

“Jen it’s next year, you are going right?”

“Yes.” She huffs, blowing her stray hair from her face. “I haven’t thought about it.”

Samantha frowns, “well you should start, you know Tammy next door has a daughter your age and she’s already been on campus tours!”

“Well she’s a smart ass who probably has to do ten examinations before she gets into her elite colleges…” Jen says, rolling her eyes, what does Tammy’s nerdy daughter have to do with this anyway.

Samantha shakes her head. “Do you know what courses you want to do?”

Jen shrugs lazily. “Something involving dance but, I don’t know if I’m good enough to get in.”

“Are you sure? You know, obviously you’re amazing at dance but, college is more about developing something so you can eventually get a job, don’t you think dance is more of a…hobby?”

“Well thanks for the confidence mom” Jen huffs, pulling herself back up on the bed to sit against the wall, it’s too cold on her back so she flinched at first but then relaxes into it.

“Jen…”

“No, you clearly don’t think I can get a job as a dancer so what do you think I should do?” Jen asks, a little harshly because she knows herself that isn’t good at anything else.

Samantha stumbles a little, probably a little guiltily, before saying “well, business or  marketing maybe, you’d enjoy that, it’s about bossing people around.” She says, jokingly to try and soften her other words.

Jen rolls her eyes.

“It’s not that I don’t think you can be a dancer, it’s more that I want you to be a hundred and ten percent sure that you want to pursue something as gruelling and harsh as a career in dance, you may never make it, that’s not me being cruel, it’s a fact…”

Jen nods slowly. She recognises how hard it is to break into the dance world and that a girl from her background, an ordinary family living on the outskirts of New York City and her perhaps cold attitude at times makes it even more difficult to be seen. After all, she’s not like the other girls at dance who shove themselves to the front of the queue for any audition or volunteering position.

Perhaps she should be.

Judy would tell her to go for it, follow her dreams if that’s what she wants. Jen thinks of the beaming smile she receives whenever she speaks about dance in front of Judy, it’s like Judy sees her as some sort of superstar. She’s basically her number one fan. She has more hope for Jen than her whole family put together probably, and it’s endearing how Judy believes so much, has so much faith in her.

“I know, but I’m not offended so easily, and I’m not good at anything else, I can’t see myself being a businessman like dad or a teacher like you…” Jen says.

Samantha nods slowly. “If it’s what you want then go for it, I’ll grab the laptop and after dinner we can look through some options okay?”

Jen really doesn’t want to, she’s tired enough as it is and she wants a shower after she’s made food (if you can even call it that once she’s finished), but her mom does so she figures it won’t exactly hurt. “Okay.”

*

“So do you have a boyfriend Judy?” Tessa asks her, leaning her back against the break room door and eyeing one of the other girls, Natalie, with a small smirk that Judy catches but pretends not to. It’s easier.

“Um no…” Judy says, forcing a smile.

Paul gives her a reassuring one back, coming to stand beside her. “She’s got high standards right Judy?”

Judy nods tight lipped.

Natalie scoffs and whispers something into Tessa’s ear, it makes Judy feel uncomfortable, especially when it’s just the four of them on lunch break because it feels like a fight could break out at any second, Tessa would start it and Paul would defend her or himself. Never does anything actually break out though, instead Tessa continues pouring petrol on an already ignited fire and the room just gets hotter and hotter the longer they stay in there, Judy hates lunch times when she doesn’t go out to meet Jen. Today is one of those days because Jen’s working through her break with the mini team at her studio. She wishes she could channel her energy in these moments, her confidence and feistiness and her ‘take shit from no one’ attitude. Judy admires that a lot.

Instead she stands in the corner with two judging pairs of eyes on her, hiding behind Paul’s shadow.

“And what’re those standards?” Natalie asks.

“Um…” Judy shrugs, her mouth opening and closing like a Venus fly trap waiting for it’s pray.

“You must have a type, for example-“ Natalie elbows Tessa, “hers is tall, brunette, bad boy, absolutely no facial hair, and he has to be older than her by a few years.”

“I’m sure you’ll find him someday.” Judy says, Jen would say she’s too kind, she tries to back out of the conversation then, busying herself with looking through her back for something that doesn’t exist.

“So go on Judy, what is your type?” Tessa asks, tilting her head in a way that seems patronising and sarcastic.

“Just someone with a kind heart I guess, someone who cares about the world and someone who isn’t afraid to be honest.” Judy says, biting on her lip once finishing. It feels like she’s going to cry, her throat is closing up and her eyes avoid Tessa and Natalie’s gazes.

“Aww!” Tessa nudges Natalie. “Sweet…”

“I’m sure you’ll find that too some day.” Natalie says, the crinkles in her eyes as she tries to not laugh (she doesn’t try very hard) tells Judy it’s not honest, and she’s so thankful when Mathew comes to tell them that break is over and Judy’s needed on table 9.

While walking home after stepping off of her stop, she thinks about Tessa’s question. She’d slipped in in conversation with Jen on the way home, a simple ‘do you have a type…’ and Jen had just answered ‘not really, guys annoy me’ and Judy didn’t feel so alienated then. At least Jen isn’t the only one who doesn’t have a type or think about having boyfriends, well, a single boyfriend obviously. She’d been panicking all day thinking maybe she was different to everyone else, that’s why Tessa and Natalie didn’t want to be friendly with her like they are with the other new employees. Hearing Jen say she wasn’t into that made it okay.

It’s not that she hadn’t acknowledged before how disinterested she was in that type of thing, at school she never had a boyfriend unlike almost all the other girls in her year. Boys wouldn’t ask her out though and she probably would only say yes to be kind. Tessa and Natalie, and Paul because he likes guys as well, would often point out customers they fancied and Tessa would flirt with them and would like it when they did it back. When guys talk to her that way, it’s not happened many times but she’d been complimented by a few of the older teenagers that come in to the restaurant, she hates it and it twists her stomach all the wrong ways. Maybe because all the male figures in her life have made her feel that way, like Andy. Maybe it’s because she lacks male figures in her life too, like her dad.

*

Judy’s been thinking about asking about him for a while now, she’d always wanted to but she’d never had the courage before and she didn’t want to hurt her mom by bringing up her non existent dad. All she knew about him was that he disappeared. She wanted to know what he was like, how him and her mom met, his name even.

One night when her and her mom are both at home together, it’s a rare occasion, she decides to just ask. What’s the worst that could happen? She finishes doing the dishes from the grilled cheeses Judy had made for dinner, her and her mom had actually eaten together and Eleanor didn’t look high or say anything cruel towards her so she figures now is the best time to ask.

Judy turns around, dries her hands on the towel and then walks to sit at the opposite end of the couch. Her mom flicks through the small tv, huffing and puffing at the options she sees. “Mom.”

Eleanor cocks her head.

Judy takes a deep, shuddering breath. “Can you tell me about, my dad?” She finishes, biting her lip once it’s out.

Eleanor’s eyes roll and the remote is thrown down on the table, the bang making Judy jump. “What about him? He’s a scum bag that’s all you need to know.”

Judy sighs, “what was his name, at least?”

“Johnny Evans. He worked in a café which I used to go to and it all started from there.”

Judy nods.

“Brunette. Big, expressive eyes like yours. He’d meet me after his shift and we’d go done the park, he was older so he’s buy the booze.” Eleanor shifts, uncomfortably. “We’d go to parties together and that’s when everything got worse.”

“How?” Judy asks. Something pings in Eleanor’s pocket and she takes out her phone, reading it with a deep sigh.

Eleanor shakes her head and stands up. “I’m going out.”

Judy’s mouth drops open, “wait I wanted-“

Something switches in her mom then, she visibly sees her eyes turn and her cheeks redden. She doesn’t understand what she did wrong, maybe she asked too many questions.

“Yeah, you wanted, it’s always about what you want isn’t it Judy!”

Judy shakes her head, “no I-“

“Fuck I can’t handle this, you-I can’t handle you Judy you need to go.”

Judy stands, tears in her eyes and she wishes they weren’t there because her mom hates it when she acts ‘like a baby’. “Go?”

“Yes, right now.” Eleanor says, walking in to her room and back out with her purse, rummaging through the contents of it.

“But-“

“Judy just fucking go!”

Judy watches as she pulls out everything in her bag, then widens her eyes as she empties her bag on the table, earrings and lipstick tubes and everything else falling on the floor. Eleanor swings around and upon noticing she’s still stood there she pushes Judy back, “mom please…” Judy tries resisting but Eleanor’s stringer, her hands grip Judy’s wrists and push her towards the door.

“Get OUT!”

A slap rings out in the kitchen, Judy’s cheek stings as Eleanor walks back into her room to grab something else seemingly unfazed. Judy steps towards the door and opens it, leans against it as it closes behind her. She brings a hand up to her face that’s warm and now damp with tears as she walks. Her arms bump over in goose pimples, she doesn’t have a coat and if the dark clouds are anything to go by then Judy figures soon she’ll be looking like a drowned rat. She wishes she had somewhere to go, she’s got her wages stuffed in her pocket so she can at least get a cab or a subway somewhere, but where is the question.

The only person she thinks of is Jen. But she doesn’t know where she lives. And it’d be strange to turn up at her house at almost midnight. She wishes Jen was here, she’d know what to do or say. Or she’d just give Judy a hug and crack a joke and everything would be okay. She takes the last running subway, making it just in time and sitting at their usual spot. No one else is on, and Judy wishes she could just stay there riding back and forth all night and watch the world flash by through the window. She doesn’t know what she’s doing but she gets off at the stop Jen does, the one before hers on the way home so Judy’s only sitting for about five minutes. She steps off and folds her arms in front of her, she walks up and out of the platform and into an estate. The houses here seem polished and clean, the bricks the perfect colour of light brown and matching with one another. Big gardens accompany most of them, the streetlight makes it light enough for Judy to just see the flowers dotted about, she stops to look at the rose bush to the right of her, carefully touching a petal and minding the thorns.

The further she walks the posher the houses get, she doesn’t know how long is been but her feet are getting tired. She looks around, spying a bus shelter on the opposite side of the road. Looking left and right, Judy jogs across the empty road, not a car or pedestrian in sight. She’s thankful for that, as she sits down beside the bench, curling up on the stone cold floor underneath the shelter and closing her eyes for the night.