People Change
Adora wakes up suddenly, it takes her a moment to realize where she is, she looks around at the white cement floor she is sitting on and the tall white walls that she is leaning against. She fell asleep in Catra’s studio again, her textbook and notes still sprawled out in front of her. This isn’t the first time this has happened, she has been spending lots of late nights here studying with Catra. She tells herself that her workload is a lot, and she needs the extra study time to keep up and stay ahead, but if she’s being honest she’s been really enjoying the time with Catra. Catra, where is Catra? She looks around the studio, and finds the girl huddled in a fetal position on the ground near her easel. Adora immediately runs over to her, as she gets closer she notices that Catra is trembling, crying, and desperately trying to breath. Panic attack Adora knows it instantly, she’s had her fair share of those, even if it’s been a while, she still remembers vividly what they feel like.
She approaches Catra and kneels down in front of her, making sure to leave enough space to not make physical contact. “Catra” Adora says gently but firm.
Catra looks up, shocked, her eyes glazed over as if she wasn’t in her own body. And in Adora’s experience she probably wasn’t.
“It’s me Adora” Adora looking directly into her eyes, trying to hold her attention
Catra blinks a few times, as if she is refocusing her eyes. It seems like she’s more there than before, but her breathing is still short, and she’s clutching her heart. It’s clear in her face that she’s in pain, and that she’s scared but she’s trying to hide it.
“Can I touch you? Is that okay?” Adora asks hesitantly but firm.
Catra nods in agreement. Adora takes Catra’s free hand and holds it in her own, giving it a tight squeeze at first, then relaxing a bit to rub circles in the palm of Catra’s hand.
“We’re in your studio right now, I know this is scary right now, but you’re safe. I’m here, and I’m going to stay here until this passes, and it will pass” Adora tries to reassure her. She doesn’t say that everything is okay, or that it’s fine, because it’s not and she always hated when people would tell her that. Adora holds Catra’s gaze trying her best to get her roommates attention “I want you take 10 deep breaths with me okay, in and out”
Adora takes exaggerated breaths in and out, Catra seems to be trying to follow but not succeeding. “You’re doing great, just keep trying” and Adora continues with her exaggerated deep breathing, it takes Catra a few tries but eventually she manages 10 deep breaths.
“Okay, now let’s try taking a breath in for 4, hold for 4, and out for 4” Adora does this and counts while breathing in and out. They do this a few times and Catra’s breathing seems to have evened out more, she’s not shaking as much, and her eyes have regained some strength. Adora moves to Catra’s side, “Can I hold you?”
Catra nods in agreement, so Adora wraps her arms around her. At first Catra doesn’t respond but then turns slightly to hold Adora back, she holds tightly and nuzzles her head into the nook between Adora’s neck and shoulder. She begins to cry.
Adora feels the tears well up in her eyes too, but pushes them back, because that’s not what Catra needs right now. “Hey, hey, you did so good, you pushed through, and that’s hard. But you’re here now, and your safe”
Catra stays there for a long moment, because Adora’s right she’s safe, and she feels safe. Like that night falling asleep in Adora’s arms, it’s hard for her to name the feeling, she hasn’t felt it a lot in her life but it reminds her of sitting on her abuela's lap, watching the older woman paint. It’s different, but the basis of both feelings give her a sense of calmness, safety, and home.
Catra pulls away to wipe her tears, Adora however does not let go, Catra looks into those crystal blue eyes with so much gratitude “uhm, thanks, you were very helpful” Adora just smiles, and that smile, it makes Catra warm, she realizes how close their faces are, and it suddenly feels like sauna. She’s clammy in places that she didn’t even know could be clammy, and her body is buzzing like someone is trying to jumpstart her body.
“I uhhh, I, I need a smoke” Catra always needs a smoke whenever there’s something she feels like she can’t handle, and Adora looking at her like that, whatever that was, was something she could not handle. Over the last few weeks of Adora coming to Catra’s late night work sessions, Catra’s realized several contradictions: 1. She feels so easily comfortable around Adora, but feels incredibly uncomfortable with how she reacts to being around Adora. 2. She loves talking to Adora, and the way her voice gets when she’s tired, but hates how she reacts to Adora when she speaks. And 3. She can’t get enough of being around Adora, but cannot stand how she feels being around Adora.
Catra grabs her pack of smokes from her jacket pocket, and opens the large window, she perches on the window sill and fishes out her lighter from her pocket. She lights her cigarette, she inhales deeply with the first drag, the irony of how much cigarettes help her breath has always been funny to her. She tries to look out into the quad trying desperately to not look at Adora, but feels her gaze against her skin, it makes the hairs on her body stand up. Something compels her to turn and look at Adora, she can see nothing but concern in those deep blue eyes.
“Do you want to talk about what happened?” Adora asks hesitantly
“Panic attack, I guess” Catra shrugs
“Ya, I figured. Do you know what triggered it?”
“Too much adderall and coffee probably, without enough weed or xanax to balance it” Catra watches Adora for a reaction Adora doesn’t react, at least not how Catra was expecting. She was expecting her to be concerned or worried like Scorpia, or to chastise her for her drug use. But Adora knows Catra does drugs, she’s seen her take adderall during these late night work seshes, hell she’s even seen Catra crush them up and snort them, downing the taste with coffee. Instead Adora just nods and smiles, in a way that says ya that makes sense.
“Does this happen a lot?” Adora asks, she is concerned a little. She knew Catra does a lot of drugs, but she seemed to have it under control for the most part, until now.
Catra takes a long drag of her cigarette, while she contemplates her response. She doesn’t really talk to people about this, sure Scorpia and Entrapta knew a bit about how bad her hangovers were, or when she wasn’t able to sleep. But they didn’t know how bad it really gets sometimes. She finally lands on “As of recently ya, it’s gotten worse”
Adora is silent, it doesn't come off as judgmental or pushy, more of an open invitation for Catra to continue. So she takes it “I don’t know if it’s because I’m doing more of everything, or because I’m doing it more often, or both… but ya I’ve been getting panic attacks, sometimes paranoia, or a really brutal hangover. Usually I can manage it though”
“Why all the drugs?” Adora asks on impulse, and immediately regrets it. Because that does come off as judgemental and pushy to Catra this time.
Catra scoffs, she is not about to go into all the reasons she needs to escape her mind, body and soul on a regular basis. But she tries to remain honest, as much as she can without being vulnerable, because something about Adora makes it hard to build the walls that come up so easily for Catra with literally anyone else. “Honestly…” that’s a good start, it will keep her accountable. “I’ve been doing drugs and drinking for a long time, and it practically saved my life. When I found the parties like The Heart of Etheria, it made me feel alive, it saved me from a really dark place. It took me away from reality, and being me in that reality, it freed me.” Adora nods, and gives her an understanding look. Which Catra doesn’t really understand, coming from Adora but somehow it’s so genuine it does make her feel understood. So she continues “I guess after a while, it took more for it to feel like it used to, and that means worse hangovers, some panic attacks and mild paranoia. -Look I know how it sounds, it’s not a great coping mechanism I know, but it works...for the most part” Catra looks to Adora for a reaction again.
Again, it’s not what she expects. It's clear that Adora is thinking something, but she’s not sure if she should say it, or she doesn’t know how to say it. “I know it’s totally different... but I kinda get it, the feeling at least. Some stuff happened when I was kid, that well… Well it wasn’t great, to say the least. And after when things started to get better, when I had a family again, I wasn’t getting much better though. But when I got into sports, it felt amazing, when I was in the zone, blood pumping and body sweating, my mind was empty. And that was a type of serenity that I never thought was possible. So I did it alot, I played a lot of sports, and exercised constantly. I pulled a few muscles, got some shin splints, dislocated a few things, but nothing was permanently damaged. But during those times when I was forced to heal, I started getting panic attacks, and it started happening a lot.”
“Oh” is all Catra could manage, because she had so many questions like what do you mean ‘when you had a family again’? What happened to your family? When you talk about your parents, who are you talking about? None of which were appropriate at this moment, and she didn’t want to pry. So she asked something that felt safer, more hopeful “how did you get out of it?”
“I was prescribed anti anxiety medication for a while, I still have some in my room for crisis situations, I can give you some if you want? In case. But I haven’t taken them in a couple of years. I did some therapy, to learn how to notice triggers, and warnings. And different coping mechanisms. I usually manage to get a handle on things, before they get into crisis mode now, but it’s still reassuring to know I have meds in case. I also limit the amount of time that I spend doing physical activities, and try to take rest days in between” Catra is still in a state of shock, still lingering from learning that who she assumed was her pretty perfect, goody two-shoes roommate has possibly lost her entire family. Her shock reignited when said straight-laced roommate, just offered her drugs?!?
“Uhm wow, okay… thanks ya… I’ll take those meds- but I won’t use them unless I absolutely need to I promise” She feels like she needs to clarify before Adora asks
“Honestly, I have them prescribed ‘as needed’ so I trust you know what you need” this fucking girl with her surprises Catra thinks to her self, as she turns back to her cigarette, trying to restructure her face into something doesn’t look like she walked into a dark room and thousands of people just jumped out and yelled SURPRISE! “And hey Catra?”
Catra turns to look at Adora “If you ever feel like you're getting panicked, or paranoid, or whatever, you can always call me over the bathroom, or over the phone. I don’t care if you're high. I’ll come, I’ll be there.”
Catra pauses for a moment, because she knows she’s not going to do that. It’s not that she doesn’t want to, Adora was actually extremely helpful, and this was one her shortest, least painful panic attacks. It’s just that Catra has a hard time asking for help, because most of the time she doesn’t know what she needs, she knows what she wants and sometimes that’s close enough. But sometimes it’s furthest from the truth. “Thanks… I’ll try” She’s trying to be honest again.
“It’s getting pretty late, you want to head back? Try and get some rest?” Adora asks, trying to suppress the fact that she wants to be there for Catra if this, or anything like this happens again. But she doesn’t want to push it.
Catra flicks her cigarette out the window and closes it, she walks back to her easel to look at the large charcoal drawing she has been furiously trying to get right. “Ya, this is fine, it will do” she says as she begins to pack up her things.
Adora turns to glance at the drawing, before going to pick up her textbook and supplies, but stops dead in her tracks. ‘It’s fine’!?!? ‘It will do’?!? Adora repeats Catra’s words to her in her mind, as if there is no way she could have said that. She looks at the drawing of the white fabric draped over the window sill, with a lamp illuminating it from the side. It’s so accurate, each fold, each crease, the way the light hits the various spots creating highlights and shadows. But it’s not just that it’s realistic that has Adora breathless, it’s something else, it invokes an emotion within her. The drawing is mostly blacks and greys, with a selective use of whites, there’s something that forms from the shapes, it’s not a face, or a figure Adora can’t quite describe exactly what it is, but it’s haunting, and it’s powerful. Adora is snapped out of her thoughts when Catra speaks.
“You ready to go?”
“Uhh… ya, I just got to grab my things” Adora goes to pack up her bag, and they leave.
When they arrive back to the dorm, they go into their separate rooms. They both change, and get ready for bed. Adora hears Catra use the bathroom first, when she’s done Adora does the same. When she’s done she looks at herself in the mirror and takes a deep breath, before knocking on Catra’s side of the bathroom door.
“Ya?” Catra asks from her bed, before Adora opens the door.
“I just wanted to say goodnight” that’s all Adora says, but Catra knows by the look on her face that she wants to say so much more.
“Goodnight princess” and so does Catra, she takes a deep breath “Hey Adora?”
“Ya?” she sounds eager, as if Catra will say the thing she’s too afraid to say
“Thanks again, I really appreciate it” Catra still wants to say so much more, and Adora can tell. Adora knows that Catra needs something more than what Adora did earlier, but she’s not sure what it is, and Adora needs something more too, but she’s afraid it will be too much. She takes a deep breath, and goes for it.
“Do you want me to stay? For the night?” Adora says, even though what she means is can I stay? Adora almost panics waiting for a response, but she doesn’t have time to even start because Catra responds instantly
“Ya, that’d be nice” Catra says scooting over and pulling open her bed sheets. Adora walks over, and crawls in. Immediately wrapping her arms around Catra, Catra takes Adora’s hand and intertwines their fingers. They’ve only done this once before, but it feels familiar. Adora nuzzles her head into Catra’s shoulder and whispers.
“Hey Catra?” Catra hums in response. “You’re really talented, I may not know a lot about art, but I know it’s good, like really good, it makes me feel things that I don’t understand…” You make me feel things I don’t understand but she swallows the last thought and shove it deep inside her mind. Catra’s chest vibrates, and Adora can only accurately describe it as a purr, they press closer together, it’s not clear who pulls the other in tighter, but it’s safe to assume it was a mutual effort.
Beepbeep beep beep… Adora wakes up to the sound of her alarm in the other room, she looks to Catra who is still asleep in her arms. Somehow they’ve managed to get even closer throughout the night, if that was even possible. She really should get up, but the thought of letting go of Catra, when she doesn’t know when she can hold her like this again is not an option. 5 more mins she tells herself. She dozes off again, and wakes up suddenly realizing that her alarm was no longer beeping, so it had been going off for a while. Fuck she thinks to her self.
“Hey Catra” Adora nudges her a bit shifting her body, Catra hmphs a bit in response pulling Adora closer. It takes all of the will power that Adora has, and didn’t know she had to get up, “I’m sorry, but I’m late for practice” Catra protests again with her sleepy sounds, and Adora leans forward to press a kiss to her cheek before getting up. She notices Catra’s eyes open suddenly, before blinking a few times and closing again.
Adora hesitantly, very very hesitantly gets out of the bed, and tucks Catra in like a little blanket burrito before bolting to her room. She looks at the time, luckily she sets her alarm way before she needs to leave, typically so has time to do all the things she needs to before practice. But practice is starting literally right now, so she does none of those things, she just throws on her workout clothes, grabs her gym bag and bolts out the door. She arrives to practice just 15 mins late, but coach Kristy is not happy about it. So Adora does 10 laps around the entire field, to start off her practice.
They spend most of the day running over plays, and for the last part scrimmaging. Adora is surprisingly focused, given her hectic morning, and running on only a couple of hours of sleep. She feels well rested, and she needed this, she needed to not think, to let her mind go on autopilot, trusting that her body knows what to do. It feels good. After they hit the showers, Adora packs up her things, ready to go back to her room to do the basic things she didn’t have time to do this morning, like brush her teeth and have coffee. But Lonnie stops her.
“Hey Greyskull, you got a min?” Lonnie asks, right before Adora was about to leave the locker room. For context, Adora and Lonnie have been going on dates over the last couple of weeks. Not much has happened beyond some heavy makeout sessions. It’s been nice, for sure, and comfortable. Adora was hoping with time that it would become more, or that she would feel more, but it hasn’t, and she hasn’t, not towards Lonnie at least.
“Ya, sure. What’s up?” Adora asks
“Can we talk? Maybe we can go grab a coffee and walk and talk?” Those words are never good, it sucks to hear it, in any given context. Adora takes a breath before responding.
“Ya, of course. I really need a coffee actually” Adora responds. They walk out together, making small talk, while approaching a coffee stand. But it’s obvious that Lonnie has something on her mind. They both grab coffees and continue walking, the warm drink soothes Adora’s soul. They decide to sit down on a bench, before Lonnie starts getting to the point that she’s been holding back.
“I think we should stop seeing each other” Lonnie looks to Adora with nothing but softness
“Oh” Adora manages, rejection sucks no matter what. Sometimes it sucks way more than others, but it still sucks regardless
“It’s just that… I mean you’re great, and I’ve had a lot of fun hanging out with you, but… I just feel like you’re not that into this, not that into me. And honestly, I deserve to be with someone who is hella into me” Adora chuckles at that, because it’s true
“You are amazing, like truly truly amazing, and you deserve someone who makes you feel that way” Adora says, in complete sincerity
“Thanks, and you deserve someone who makes you feel.” Adora waits a moment for Lonnie to finish her sentence, until she realizes that she has, and she knows exactly what she meant.
“Do you think we could stay friends? I really do like hanging out with you” Adora asks hesitantly
“For sure Greyskull, I like hanging out with you too, when you’re not being a competitive asshole” Lonnie teases, and Adora laughs
“Takes one to know one” They both laugh, and it’s nice. Lonnie gets up to leave, before turning back to Adora.
“Hey Adora?” Adora looks up in response “It may not be my place but, good luck with Catra” Lonnie says with a smile, something that is supposed to be reassuring but Adora does not feel reassured.
She sits on that bench a while longer, while she finishes her coffee, Adora doesn’t even notice when she’s done. She is too busy trying to comprehend what ‘good luck with Catra’ meant. Good luck because you're going to need it? Good luck because It’s obvious you're soooo into Catra? Good luck because it’s never going to happen? Good luck because you’re going to have your heart broken? She thinks of all the possibilities that she would need luck for, Adora has never been a very lucky person, she doesn’t rely on luck she relies on hard work and determination. So if it’s luck she needs then well… Guess I’m shit out of luck that’s the last thought she has before she realizes the time. She rushes back to her room to get ready, and grabs her things before running to class. Catra is not there, Adora doesn’t know if that means she’s lucky or not.
Class is beyond boring. Even if Adora has her own intentions with her late nights in Catra’s studio, it has actually been really helpful in helping her get ahead, a little too helpful. She knows most of the stuff that is going on in the lecture already, and her professor has officially stopped calling on her for answers when they ask questions. So she’s just absentmindedly takes notes and doodles in margins, until the professor announces that class is over. She leaves the building and is walking to the dinning hall when she hears someone call out her name.
“ADORA!!” it’s Bow clearly, nobody is ever that excited to see her, she turns around to see that her assumption is correct. Bow in all his crop top glory is running up to her.
“Hey Bow! Where’s Glimmer?” She asks when he catches up to her
“We’re not always together” Adora raises an eyebrow at him. “She’s in class right now” He waves her off. “I’m headed to grab some food, you wanna join?”
“Ya, that was my plan anyways. And I couldn’t have asked for better company” Adora smiles
They walk for a while until they pass a pizza shop and decide to opt out for grabbing a couple slices and sitting on the lawn. Bow catches her up on the date he went on with seahawk and how he almost set the swan paddle boat they were on, on fire. She laughs at the ridiculous, however completely believable story. Then he begins to confide in her.
“It’s just that Glimmer and I have been poly since we decided to become official, we both agreed on it after reading The Ethical Slut and For Lovers and Fighters. But it was mostly in theory at the beginning, and then she started hooking up with some other people, which was hard for me at first but we worked through it. Neither of us had any other serious partners though, until I started seeing Seahawk, it’s still not super serious, but I can tell that Glimmer seems uncomfortable. I know she gets insecure about me replacing her, but that’s not going to happen.” Bow lets out a sigh after finishing his ramble.
“Have you talked to her about it?” Adora asks between bites of her 3rd slice of pizza.
“Ya, I try to reassure her constantly, but it doesn’t feel like it’s sinking in.” Bow wipes his hands with some napkins, since he’s already done eating.
“Maybe you should ask her what she needs? I dunno, I mean words can only do so much for some people, maybe she needs something else” Adora really has no idea how to navigate polyamory, and honestly the idea of trying to figure it out seems terrifying. But she tries her best to be helpful.
Bow puts his face in his hands and drags them down his face dramatically “You’re so right, I haven’t even really had a check in with her in too long. Ugggghh I’m a horrible partner!”
“No, you’re not. Relationships are hard, and you’re trying your best, that much is clear, and it’s also clear how much you love her” Adora tries to assure him by putting a hand on his shoulder, after wiping them with napkins.
“Thanks… Enough about me though, I need a distraction. How are things going with you and Lonnie?” Bow looks at her with dreamy eyes.
“Uh… she broke up with me, or called it off or whatever” Adora says, and the dreamy look in Bows eyes are gone instantly
“I’m sorry, that sucks” Bow says leaning forward to pull her into a hug
“It’s fine, ya rejection sucks. But she was right” They let go of their embrace
“What did she say?” He asks softly, as if he’s not sure if he should
“That she could tell that I wasn’t really into it, and that she deserves someone who is” Adora pauses for a moment unsure if she should continue. Bow notices her and gives her a reassuring smile, so she continues “I told her that she is amazing, and deserves someone who makes her feel that way…then she told me that I deserve someone who makes me feel”
“Feel what?”
“Just feel… y’know?” Bow seems to understand fully what she means
“Is there someone that makes you feel? Y’know?” He gestures vaguely in the air
Adora takes a deep breath, because she knows the answer. But she hasn’t admitted it to anyone else, she’s barely admitted to herself. She does know though, maybe not in words, maybe not in her head, but in her heart, body and soul she knows. “Ya” it slips out of her mouth, not intentionally almost like an impulse, a reaction, a reflex. She doesn’t say anything more, and it seems that Bow notices that she might not be able to.
“It’s Catra, isn’t it?” Adora eyes are wide, her mouth open. She’s shocked, even though she probably shouldn’t be. She doesn’t know what to say.
“Ya” there it is again, the reflex. “How did you know?” she’s trying to gain control of words again.
“It’s pretty obvious… in the way that you talk about her, the way that you look at her, the way that you look when you talk about her or look at her. I mean you broke up with your long term boyfriend 2 mins after you tried to kiss her, I know you wouldn’t break up with someone just because you tried to kiss someone else while you were drunk. But you would, if you were in love with someone else” Bow makes it seem so clear, it should be clear to Adora too, but denial can do a lot for a girl.
“Love is a strong word” Bow sends her a look that says is it though? “I mean… I don’t know if I’m in love. I don’t know if I’ve ever been in love… but she does make me feel, like a lot, like everything, and nothing else matters, I’ve never felt this way about anyone before… but it feels right, it feels familiar” Adora has not managed to gain control of her words, clearly. But she lets out a sigh of relief, because it feels good to let it out.
“You should go for it” Adora is yet again, shocked, but quickly it turns into joy at the possibility, but then quickly again into fear.
“But...I don’t know… What if Glimmer is right? What if Catra’s reputation precedes her? I don’t know if I could be just another girl, on her very long list of people she’s hooked-up with?” It’s like Bow can sense the worry radiating off Adora.
He puts both hands on her shoulder and gives them a squeeze, She looks up to meet his eyes. “People change” it’s all he says, but it’s enough for Adora to go through all the stages of shock, joy, and fear again.
“What if I’m not worth changing for?” Adora is desperately trying to hold back her tears
Bow squeezes her shoulder again, forcing her to look up at him. “You are so worth it Adora, you are beautiful, kind, determined, and jacked” Adora chuckles at that “But it’s not about that Adora, people don’t truly change for other people, they change for themselves. I don’t think Glimmer ever thought Catra could change, she wanted to but she didn’t. Change is hard in so many ways, and staying the same it’s easier, it’s what we're used to. So we need people who believe in us, who have faith in us, who make us feel safe enough to take the scary risk of changing.”
“I do believe in her, I think she is so capable of everything and anything… and she deserves whatever she wants. All of it”
“So do you Adora” Adora nods, like she agrees, and she does technically. But she also has a hard time truly accepting that, really feeling that at her core. “So if Catra is what you want, then you deserve to at least give it a shot.”
“Ya” there it is again, it slips out. Before she can even begin to think about what she’s agreeing to, as if something inside her is pushing her to try, even if she’s scared, even if she doesn’t think it’s even possible. She’s always tried at everything in her life, only because she knew if she worked hard enough that it was possible. But this is not about her strength or her skills, it was about her heart, and even though technically there is a small possibility that Catra could feel the same way, there is also the very real possibility that she doesn’t. And Adora’s ego can take the hit of failure, of not getting into Etheria U at first, or not making the first cut for sports freshman year, but her heart, she doesn’t know if her heart could handle that rejection, the look of disgust on Catra’s face when she has to let her down easy. Before she can begin to spiral in all the way’s Catra could react -her phone PINGS.
Catra: Hey, what’re you doing tonight?
Adora takes a long moment to collect herself, as if she was about to confess all of her feelings in what would be a very long text message, but she doesn’t. She’s just preparing herself, for the realization that these feelings are real, and that she might, possibly, maybe, but probably not, do something about it.
Adora: Chilling, you know, nm nm. Why?
Catra: I need to paint a life model for my class, it would probably take a couple of hours but we can take breaks. If you’re feeling up for it?
Adora: Sure!
Catra: Thanks! I owe you one, come to my studio tonight at 7?
Adora: Coolio! See you later alligator :)
Catra: Alright dork, thanks again, see you later.
Bow gives her a questioning look, “It’s Catra” is Adora’s response. And it is, Catra is it.