Chapter 8
“You have NEVER cared about me!” Vera got up and stormed out the door
“Vera, wait! Don't go! Come back.” Joan found herself running outside after Vera only to see Vera crying in her car.
Joan awoke from her dream a little startled. She looked over to the side of the bed that Vera should be on only to find the bed to be empty. She started to think last night was a dream and she didn't actually let Vera in her bed. She started to panic thinking that it was all just an illusion till she looked over and saw Vera coming out of the bathroom rubbing her eyes. She was still naked and Joan couldn't help but let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. She was so thankful that last night wasn't a dream.
“Good morning.” Vera stretched and yawned before walking over to the bed to get back in it. “Sorry if I woke you.” She snuggled up close to Joan and wrapped her hand around her waist and intertwined their legs.
Joan was relieved and also a bit in shock. They did sleep naked together but she wasn't expecting Vera to crawl back in bed and snuggle her. “Did you sleep well?” Joan said while rubbing her arm.
“Mhm.” Vera nuzzled her chest. Vera liked the feeling of their skin to skin contact. “Can we sleep a little bit longer?” Vera squeezed Joan tighter.
“Whatever you would like Myshka.” Joan placed a kiss on her head.
Vera looked up at Joan with furrowed eyebrows. “What did you say?”
“Myshka, it's Russian for mouse. I'm sorry i shouldn't ha-”
“Shh its ok I quite liked it.” Vera gave Joan a smile and Joan returned it. “So I'm your little mouse.” Vera let out a giggle.
“Only if you're ok with it?” She said MY little mouse. My myshka. She's mine.
Vera met Joans eyes and looked at her and then her lips for a few seconds. She saw how Joan had a look in her eyes. A look of desire. She leaned in and their lips met. Soft warm lips. Vera found that Joans lips were much softer than she expected.
Joan was stiff for a second before relaxing into the kiss. She cupped Veras cheeks to bring her closer. Vera kissed with passion and desire. She knew that the younger woman wanted this just as much as she did. The older woman gently rubbed her tongue on Veras lip searching for entrance. Vera allowed her to enter. Their tongues wrestle. Joan gently caressed Vera's side.
Vera moaned into the deep and passionate kiss before pulling back. She pecked Joan on the lips again before settling back down to nuzzle Joan's full breasts. Joan groaned with the loss of Vera's sweet lips on hers.
“I wanna do this Joan I really do but i've never been with a woman before it’s gonna take some getting used to.” Vera pulled Joan closer if that was even possible and closed her eyes as Joan began to run her fingers through her hair.
“It's ok Vera I understand. We’ll take it as slow as you need it to be.” Joan knew Vera was nervous so she wanted to wait till the younger woman was ready.
“Thank you Joan.” Vera's words were slurring slightly as she fell back to sleep.
A few more hours went by. As Vera started to wake up again. She woke up and for a slight second she forgot she was in Joan's house. After remembering that she slept with Joan, she put her hand behind her to feel for Joan only to feel cold wrinkled covers. She let out a faint sigh before getting up.
The smaller woman walked over to the skirt that she had taken off the night before. She slipped on the oversized shirt and made her way to the bathroom. After relieving herself she walked over to the mirror. She took her hair and brushed it out with her fingers to get rid of some of the messiness. She couldn't help but be giddy just to be in Joan’s home and in her bathroom.
Vera made her way down stairs. On her way through the living room she could smell bacon and she could hear what sounded like Joan singing. As she got closed to the kitchen she saw Joan flawlessly moving around the kitchen while cooking and singing.
“And all the roads that lead you there are winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I Would like to say to you but I don't know how
I said maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all, you're my wonderwall”
Vera slowly walked up behind Joan and gently snaked her arms around her waist and laid her head on Joan’s back. Joan jumped a little before leaning into the smaller
woman's touch. They started to sway back and forth to the music before it shut off and Joan turned around and brought Vera closer and kissed the crown of her head.
“Hello, sleepy head.”
“What are you making?” Vera pulled back to look into Joan’s eyes.
“Just some bacon and eggs. Is that ok with you?” Joan lifted up her hand to brush a piece of Vera's hair behind her ear.
“That's perfect, I'm starving.” Vera gave a big smile.
“Go sit at the table. The food is almost done. I'll bring you a coffee while you wait.” Joan gently tapped Vera on the bum as she walked over to the table.
Joan walked over to grab the coffee. She added two sugars and a bit of creme just how Vera liked it. As she walked back over to the table she saw that Vera was sitting with her legs crossed. All she had on was the long t-shirt Joan had given her the night before. She didn't even have underwear on from the looks of it.
She sat the coffee down in front of Vera. The older woman decided to walk a little closer to Vera. As she walked closer she took her hand and rubbed it up the younger woman's thigh gently caressing it as she leaned down to kiss the younger woman deeply.
Vera smiled and sighed into the kiss. She had never felt so good when kissing someone before. Granite she had never really been with many people in her life. Whenever she kissed Joan it was sweet and slow, not like when she kissed Fletch. His kisses were always wet and sloppy which turned her off immensely.
Joan pulled away to go check on the food.
“I see you decided to go commando today.” Joan looked over and gave Vera a smirk
“My clothes are in the bin and I didn't bring an extra pair.” Vera suddenly felt embarrassed
Joan could see the embarrassment reaching the younger woman's ears. “Don't be embarrassed Vera. I like that you're comfortable enough around me to do so.” She smiled at Vera as she made their plates.
Joan walked over to the table and placed Vera's plate down and then her own before sitting down. They both began eating in silence. The silence had a slight bit of tension in it until Vera spoke up.
“Joan?” Vera paused as she looked into Joan’s dark eyes
“Yes?” Joan answered as she looked for some emotion in Vera's eyes. All she could see was what looked to be sadness.
“What are we? As in terms of our relationship?” Vera suddenly felt sick waiting for Joans response.
Joan looked at Vera with surprise. She didn't know what Vera had been planning on asking but she didn't expect it to be that. Normally Joan would have the answer to a question in the matter of seconds but she wasn't quite sure she had the answer Vera wanted to hear. While she wanted to keep Vera in her life she just wasn't sure if she could commit to a relationship just yet. The incident with Jianna really tore her up and she never thought that she could love again.
Vera really brought out the heart in Joan. Most of the time Joan felt weird being able to express her feelings towards her. And the fact that she knew Vera was being genuine towards her made her feel good inside.
“Vera,” Joan paused for a moment to look Vera deep into her blue eyes. “I have never had a proper relationship… not since-” Joan trailed off and broke eye contact with Vera. “It wasn't even a proper relationship. It should have never happened. I promised her I would protect her and something bad happened and I've been broken ever since. My father always told me that I wasn't capable of being loved by anyone and well that's all i've known so I find it to be true.” Joan had a small tear going down her cheek. She quickly wiped it away. She can't be seen this vulnerable in front of anyone.
“Oh Joan, I love you.” Vera couldn't believe she actually said that but she knew that she did love Joan. Rather it be a friendship love or not she still loved Joan with everything she had. She got up from her seat and went over to Joan to try to comfort her.
Joan backed away from Vera’s touch.”You need to leave now!” Joan pointed to the door.
“Joan-” Vera tried to place her hand on Joan shoulder
“NOW!” Joan yelled and pushed Vera away
Vera jumped from how loud Joan yelled. She was a little surprised when Joan pushed her. Her eyes were full of tears as she looked at Joan before turning around and running upstairs to grab the shorts Joan had given her the night before. She quickly put on the shorts and ran back down stairs to put on her shoes. Vera looked back at Joan once more with tears running down her cheeks before she walked out the door.
Vera ran to her car and sped off. She cried the whole way home. She wondered what she did wrong. Was it because she said she loved Joan? She couldn't figure out why Joan had kicked her out the way she did.
Joan sat at her kitchen table replaying Vera’s crying face in her head. Normally she would feel joy for hurting others but she just felt sad for the way she made Vera feel. In fact she felt terrible. She didn't want Vera to leave but she was startled by the fact that the smaller woman said that she loved her. No one had ever said that to Joan and truly meant it. She could tell Vera meant what she said and it made Joan nervous so she lashed out. She didn't actually want her deputy to leave.
Joan started to feel sad for what she had done and she started to cry silently. Silent weeps turned into long loud sobs as she realized that she had messed up. She didn't know if she could ever get Vera to forgive her. She would talk to Vera tomorrow at work to try and explain herself.