Chapter 23
Amity POV:
“Amity!”
A voice echoes around me, seemingly coming from every direction. It bounces and shudders, ducking in and out of octaves just as I jump in and out of reality.
Click
An empty room. A silent room. Empty bottles litter the floor. A red liquid stains the white tiles below my shaking hands. I’m crying, but I don’t remember why. I don’t remember much of this. It isn’t dark, but it should be. This memory is only half correct.
I didn’t mean to hurt him.
I didn’t mean to.
Click
A mirror, smashed and broken, the pieces strewn about on the floor haphazardly. In it, I see my reflection; green hair, golden eyes. It isn’t me, but I think it is supposed to be.
The mirror fogs, then distorts, and then shatters completely, leaving only an empty wall behind.
I look down at my hands in fear. I did that. I didn’t even try.
I didn’t mean to.
Click
An ocean, stretching out as far as my eyes can see. Golden sand curving around in a beautiful beach. The cool breeze travels through my hair, and I breathe in as much summer as my lungs can possibly hold. The sun shines down around me in glorious rays of light. Far too beautiful to be the memory I hold close to me.
Where are all of the people?
Where are all of the smiling faces enjoying the day of sun?
Why am I always alone in these memories?
Why am I always alone?
The dark ocean washes up on the shore, staining the golden coast red. I didn’t mean for this to happen.
I didn’t mean to.
Click
I can’t see much of anything in this memory. I’m not even sure what this is, or where it’s from. It isn’t that everything is black, it’s not. Vivid colours surround me yet there seems to be nothing at all.
A child sits before me, 4, maybe 5 years old. She’s smiling, a toothy smile, her golden eyes glowing, green hair hanging in messy strands around her face. Her hands are stained with blue paint, the front of her clothes matching.
Moments later, the nothingness is filled with the furious shouts of her parents until-
Silence.
Now, it is red that stains her hands, the front of her clothes matching.
That’s not how it happened, that’s not how it is supposed to go, but this is how it is unravelled to me.
It was an accident. I’m sorry.
I didn’t mean to.
Click
I didn’t mean to hurt him.
She knows.
Click
I didn’t do it.
They keep their distance.
Click
It wasn’t me.
He doesn’t believe me.
Click
I didn’t mean for this to happen.
The damage is done.
Click
It was an accident.
Please.
I didn’t mean to.
That’s not how it happened.
Stop distorting my memories.
Get out of my head!
I flinch at the sound of screaming, willing it to go away until I realise it is my own. I guess that means I’m awake now. I can’t help but wish I was still asleep. At least unconsciousness numbs the pain, the aches, the static electricity that courses through my veins, taking stabs at my brain and messing with my head.
Back to reality. What is reality? Aren’t those distorted dreams some kind of reality, since they did technically happen, just not like that.
“Get out of my head.”
There’s nothing left of my voice. I wouldn’t even know I had spoken aloud if it weren’t for the cloud of breath that escapes my lips on my exhale. I guess it’s cold up here, but I’m so used to it now, I can’t feel it anymore.
I don’t know where I am, or how long I’ve been here, but I do know this is most likely the end for me. Finding the energy to care is hard, since I have no one to say goodbye to, no final wishes to fulfill, and honestly I'll do anything to end the pain.
My will to fight has long since left me, alone here on the cold stone floor. I’m so tired of fighting. I’m so tired. I have been slipping in and out of consciousness for so long that I’m not even sure what is real and what isn’t.
I’d say I want to go home, but if i’m being honest, i don’t think i have a home anymore. I don’t belong here, or anywhere for that matter. My purpose is gone, floated off along the breeze.
My heart is heavy in my chest, unlike my head, which is light and fuzzy. Everything spins, and I get dizzier every second. At times, I feel my insides clamber up my throat, but I swallow them back down where they belong. My eyes start to droop, and I can’t stand to keep them open anymore.
Click
It’s Christmas time. The room is decorated all seasonal, with a golden table cloth draped over the family dining table in the centre of the room.
I sit at one of the chairs, all dressed up in my favourite black dress, nails painted, hair falling in ringlets around my shoulders. My parents sit opposite me in picturette perfection, serving dinner to the twins, who are also dressed in fine attire. Despite the festive theme, anyone would think it is halloween, as my family are pumpkins with the biggest of grins carved into their faces.
No one says a word as we eat. The silence is unsettling, awkward, and I want to leave more than anything. This feels real. I feel real. Maybe I have woken up from this nightmare and it is all finally over.
As a chorus of voices sing a verse of taunting carols in my head, my family stare back at me, not eating, not blinking and still smiling.
Click
I’m at school now. I’m not sure how I got here, or maybe I’ve always been here. The room is an eruption of noise, everyone engaging in their own conversations, but we stay quiet. We have nothing to say to one another.
She’s clicking her pen again, in a way that she knows frustrates me, but this time, I’m not annoyed. This time, I just smile and watch her pen go up and down and up and down and-
She’s looking at me looking at her so I look down and my page quickly, the smile disappearing from my face. I can feel her eyes on me as her pen stops clicking. She smiles. And I smile. And we’re both smiling.
Click
I feel myself caught in her smile.
A city, big and bright that I have never been to.
Click
I know I am lost in her eyes.
A sky full of stars that I long to explore.
Click
I know that room all too well.
Click.
I killed the memory of that t-shirt.
Click
Her warm hands meet with the ice that is my cheeks as she lifts my head up to look at me. As her eyes scan my face with a worried expression, I allow myself to lean into her touch. She’s blurry, like a fog of smoke, a magician’s trick, just a wish carried along the breeze.
I think she’s talking to me, but I can’t hear what she’s saying. Her mouth is opening and closing but no words seem to spill from her lips.
Her warmth feels so real, so much that it almost brings me comfort. As do her eyes that blink back at me with worry. She smells just as I remember, and I find myself reminiscing of a time when I was her orbit and she was my star.
I don’t want to look away. I don’t want her to leave me again, but I can’t keep my eyes open long enough to watch her disappear.
Click
She doesn’t.
She’s still here.
My eyes open again to her dark skin as her arms lift me up into the air. She shushes me as I let out a cry, the pain running through my veins, my muscles throbbing and aching. The pain doesn’t ease, but I am too tired to resist her as she slips out of the door, clutching me tightly to her chest.
“Don’t.” I try to whisper, but my voice isn’t there. “Don’t!” I try again, a little louder, and this time she hears me.
She looks down at me, her eyes gleaming with fresh tears that refuse to fall. With a small smile, she shakes her head. “I’m so sorry, babe, for everything.” A quiet laugh escapes her lips as I feel my eyes close.
I keep my consciousness this time, leaning back against her chest. Her warmth passes through me and I shiver, suddenly colder than before. She brings me closer in response, trying to offer me as much of her warm touch as possible. I try to shake my head at her, but I can’t. I have no energy left.
“I’m so sorry, but I’m here now.” She tells me quietly as she checks the hallway for people. After checking the coast is clear, she makes a break for it, carrying me quickly towards the stairway. “I’m not leaving you again, I promise.”
I can’t help but wonder how long it will be before ‘I promise’ turns into ‘I’m sorry’.
As I feel my consciousness slip away from me, I listen to her heart beat in her chest, the rhythmic thumps of feigned pride pumping, yet I know I am safe in the arms of my ex-lover.
“Thank you,” I whisper, and the last thing I see before my eyes close is the gentle curve of Serena’s shoulder as she holds me close to her.