February Part 1
The icy wind of February reminded the faculty that Winter still reigned supreme even if the constant rays of sunshine hinted at Spring's arrival. Regina wrapped her coat tighter around her body while waiting for Emma to exit her car two spaces down. She couldn't help but notice the younger woman's haggard appearance; she looked a little worse each day. For the last two weeks, they had chosen to spend only two nights a week together as a push for them not to become codependent as Regina feared. Although Emma wore makeup, the half-moon circles under her eyes looked a little more like bruises, and Regina wondered, not for the first time if her decision was the right one.
"Good morning, dear. I bought you a coffee." She held up the steaming cup and watched a genuine grin blossom on the blonde's face. When Emma reached for her coffee, Regina took the opportunity to push a few stray golden strands out of her face, caressing a pale cheek with her knuckles.
Emma held up an aluminum-wrapped tube. "I brought you breakfast. I made egg burritos this morning and then noticed Augie's text saying his plane was delayed. So, I brought you breakfast."
"Thank you." The two exchanged a brief stilted morning kiss. Although Regina loved that their lips brushed together even for a moment, she couldn't help but wish for more, for something that felt like a connection. Since the principal's many outbursts, they refused to hide their relationship at school, but they chose not to flaunt it either. However, the sour look on the principal's face as she hurried into the building ahead of them didn't escape their notice.
"Hmm. I thought she had gotten over herself last week, but I guess it didn't last."
Emma's head partially turned toward her as they walked. "Zebra's don't change their stripes that quickly."
"I thought she might be over her homophobia."
The blonde scoffed. "That look that would put Medusa to shame begs to differ."
"I am fairly certain she hasn't either." Regina's lips turned upward at the thought. "Is it wrong of me that I prefer to dislike her?"
Emma snorted. "No. She's hard to like. She's a pompous, entitled, homophobic, hypocritical ass. What's to like?"
Regina grasped Emma by her wrist and pulled her in for another kiss. "Honey, your lips are cold even after sipping on your coffee. Let's go inside and see what fresh hell she has in store for us today."
"Brrr. Is it me, or is February colder than the January freeze?" Emma whined.
"Hmm." The brunette noncommittally responded. "I hope the groundhog is correct. I'm ready for warmth and sunlight." She opened the front door and held it for the blonde, which in turn walked toward the office and returned the favor. As soon as the door opened, a woman's yelling rang in the air. "Bitch, stay away from my husband!"
Emma held Regina by the arm and let go of the door. "Do we want to see this or wait for the rumor mill to fill us in?"
The two stayed in the lobby staring into each other's eyes; a silent debate ended with Emma reopening the door. "After you."
They entered the office in time to see the school resource officers sprint in through the back door. Mary Margaret Blanchard-Nolan held her chin high. "I'm pregnant with his child!"
Ignoring the conversation, the officers pushed through the gathering faculty members and stepped around Mrs. Shepherd. Each one took one of her elbows in an attempt to lead her to the door.
Her coppery skin flushed. "So what? I have four of his children already. That isn't a selling point for you--he's my husband. Stay away from him." Her hazel eyes bore into the principal. "I can't believe the tramp you've turned out to be. Please, just tell me where my husband is. I found this." She slapped a printed email onto the registration desk." I know he's with you. He hasn't been home since you called."
"What?" Mary Margaret blinked rapidly. She wiped at her tear-stained cheeks. "What do you mean? He hasn't answered my texts or calls since last Thursday. He-he," she stuttered. "He called in sick Friday morning. He said we'd talk today." Her eyebrows furrowed. On a hunch, she held up her hand to still the officers. She grabbed the office phone from the receptionist's desk. She dialed an extension and held cradled the earpiece between her shoulder and ear. The longer she waited, the paler her complexion grew.
"He's not answering." MM swallowed harshly. Everyone who knew her could see the wheels turning in her mind.
"His car is in the parking lot."
"His car has been in the parking lot all weekend." Blanchard-Nolan's statement came out as a question. "I came in to get some work done Saturday. He wasn't in his office or anywhere else that I could find, but his car was here then too."
"Has anyone seen James Shepherd?" MM barked at the crowd of teachers, but no one answered. "Well, have you?"
Several people shook their heads negatively.
Mrs. Shepherd pulled her arms loose from the officers and stepped forward. She rubbed her hands together in an uncharacteristic gesture of nervousness. "He hasn't used any of our credit cards. I tried to track him that way." She shrugged half-heartedly, hoping MM had more answers.
Mary Margaret's hand rubbed silently at her still flat belly. "If I hear from him, I will call you. Will you please do the same for me?" Her voice shook.
Mrs. Shepherd nodded. "You don't deserve it, but until we have answers, I think this would be for the best."
One of the officers took her by the elbow again. "It would be for the best if you leave before we open the school doors." The other one turned to the faculty group gawking from the mailroom. "There's nothing to see. Time to move on to your classes."
Regina tugged at the blonde's hand, leading her away. "This could get interesting."
Emma waited until they had entered the English teacher's classroom. "I wonder how long it's going to take before they realize that Shepherd controls several of the club and activity bank accounts."
The brunette turned to look at her girlfriend as a singular thought appeared in her head. "That's right. He oversees funding for the band boosters, all the sport team boosters, and art club." Then, she froze. "You don't think James would steal, do you?"
Emma raised an eyebrow. "I think people in desperate situations, especially those torn between two people they love, do all kinds of things they wouldn't normally do."
The clamor of the bell ended their conversation. Regina kissed Emma on the cheek before hurrying to her room. But, something about the blonde's last statement didn't sit well under her skin.
*****
Regina put her school bag on her car's floorboard and checked her phone before starting her car. Her heart warmed at seeing Emma's name appear on her notifications.
ES: Are you coming over for a late dinner? I have therapy at 5. I'll be home 6:30ish.
RM: No. Since you agreed that I could visit Dani alone, I thought today would be a good day to do that. She wanted me to show up tomorrow, but I wanted to reserve that day for us.
ES: If you'd rather be with her on the 14th…
Rather than trying to second guess Emma's statement, Regina hit the call button on her dash and backed out of her spot.
"Hey?" Emma's confused voice came through loud and clear.
"What do you mean if I'd rather be with her for Valentine's?" Regina demanded, her annoyance bubbling to the surface.
She heard the blonde's breath blowing against the speaker on her phone. "I--I don't know. I see how much you want to spend time with her now that's she trying to straighten herself out, and I thought maybe--I don't know. I'm not sure."
"Emma, darling, talk to me. You thought what?"
She heard the blonde sniffle and sigh. No words came through the phone for more than a minute. "I thought back to last year when you couldn't choose her because she was a disaster. You said you healed, but then she reappeared, and I keep feeling the two of you are reconnecting. She's your first love. And you two seem to be regaining--"
"Emma Swan, don't you dare finish that thought. I chose you. I will always choose you. Dani is my past and not a particularly happy past at that." She swallowed harshly. "I am going to visit her today because I wanted to spend our first Valentine's together in my home alone." Fear and anger churned in her belly. "I wish I hadn't told Dani I'd be there today. You are so much more important to me."
"It's okay. I get it. I was a placeholder."
"Emma, what are you talking about?"
Sounded resigned to the situation, Emma spoke. "Look. I've got to go. We'll talk later if you want. I can't do this right now. Okay?" Without waiting for a response, Emma ended the call leaving Regina to wonder what had happened.
Regina growled and pulled off the road. She dialed Emma, but the call went straight to voicemail.
"Emma, damn it! Answer the phone. Please talk to me. I don't know what just happened. I don't." She sighed. "I'm going to go visit Dani because I told her I would. But, I won't be there for more than an hour. By then, you should be done at therapy, and we can talk. I need you to explain this to me because, darling, you are scaring me."
*****
Dani flitted around Regina from the minute she arrived, handing her a coffee and leading her to a sitting room. "Thanks for leaving blondie somewhere else."
The brunette pinched her nose, using her thumb and forefinger to hide her irritation. "She's busy tonight anyway. So, what did you want to talk about that you needed to see me so urgently?"
"Did you tell her you are coming to see me?"
"Of course. She trusts me."
"Maybe she shouldn't." Dani ducked her head to the side, making her long blonde hair gleam in the fluorescent lighting the best that it could. Regina sucked in her breath. She knew that move. Dani always did that seconds before she went for a romantic gesture. "Nope. Whatever you have planned, stop it now."
Dani huffed. "Why are you assuming I'm up to something? You sound like my therapist."
"Dr. Frasier isn't stupid. What did he have to say about whatever this is supposed to be? Hmm?"
The blonde raked her long nails through her hair playing with the long strands that had begun to have two differing tones. She huffed and crossed her arms. "He says that I'm not working the program. He's just angry because I haven't contacted August and Christie yet."
Regina raised an eyebrow. "Why haven't you called them? Your lovers need to be in on your healing process."
"I included the most important one."
Regina scowled. "Stop it, Dani. I mean it. We are over. We've been over for a very long time. You knew I didn't appreciate you trying last year. Let me make this clear, you and I will never happen again."
"That's because you have Emma for now," Dani said, hinting that she might be able to help get rid of her girlfriend.
Regina stood and glared down at the other woman. "Whether I have Emma or not, you and I are done. I've been trying to help you get better, but you keep trying to hide behind our past. Grow up, Daniella. You are much too old to behave like a petulant teen."
"But, you loved teenage me." Dani pressed her hand on the couch next to her as an invitation. "Just think of all those times you used to sneak me out of the dorms for our dates."
"That wasn't me. That was Sarah Rowland," Regina said in a clipped tone.
"Didn't you love it when I would sneak pizza and wine coolers into our room?" Dani tried again.
"Past tense. Loved. As in, I was too young to know any better. I am older and wiser. Have you considered that your dependence on drugs and alcohol might have started when you did at that at 15?" Regina said exasperatedly, motioning with her hands. "You need to fix you. This isn't time to try to rekindle old romances so you can relive your youth. It's time to grow up and face the music. And, if you don't want to be alone, you know who you can call, and it isn't me. Now, since you have wasted my time with this visit, I'm leaving. I strongly suggest calling your boyfriend or your girlfriend; otherwise, you will lose both of them too."
"You don't want to stay longer?" She shouted at Regina's retreating back.
Turning to face the other woman, she delivered the unvarnished truth. "Why would I? Everything I ever wanted is waiting for me at home."
Regina shook her head, hoping her last words were valid, but the phone call from earlier bubbled in her mind making her worry about the rest of her evening.
*****
At 7 pm Regina parked in front of Emma's condo. Anger twisted in her gut seeing the yellow crayon parked in its usual spot. The woman had ignored every call she'd made in the last two hours.
Seething and scared, she marched up to the front door and knocked, something she'd not done in almost a year. "Open up, Emma. I know you're home." After seconds turned into minutes, she gave up and reached into her pocket for her keys. Letting herself into her second home, her eyes had to adjust to the darkness. Not a light shined anywhere. "Emma?"
Still no response. She set her purse on the foyer table, leaving the rooms enveloped in long shadows. "Emma?"
She opened the woman's bedroom door, and a wash of relief rolled over her, hearing music playing in the woman's bathroom and the rushing sound of the shower. She knocked on the bathroom door to announce her presence. "Emma?"
The water shut off, and Emma grabbed her towel from where it hung next to the shower. "Hey." Emma's soft voice still carried a melancholy tone that Regina didn't like. The blonde stepped out, dried off, and then wrapped her hair in a turban with the towel. "I thought you weren't coming over tonight."
Regina raised an eyebrow. "Well, I'm still trying to determine if my girlfriend broke up with me today. And, if she did, why? Do you think you could help me with that?"
The dark-haired woman's words stung the blonde. Emma slipped on her sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt. "Oh. That."
"Yes, oh that," Regina snarked back. "Could you please explain to me what the hell is going on because you have me confused, and I'm getting scared?"
Not meeting her eyes, Emma hung the towels to dry, combed through her hair, snagged her cellphone, and led the way into the den where she turned on a reading lamp but left the rest of the room surrounded in blackness. She sat on one end of the couch and waited for Regina to take her place beside her before she spoke.
"Could you please shut off the music? This conversation doesn't go with anything Andy Grammer has ever recorded." Regina's snarky comment ended the music but received no verbal response.
"Sorry. I was trying to improve my mood." The blonde tried to explain while she studied her fingernails. Regina observed the other woman's hunched shoulders, the way her body seemed to turn in on itself. It reminded her a little too much of the shell of the woman Emma became last April.
Emma picked at the flecks of paint that the shower loosened as she spoke. "February's a hard month for me anyway. Elsa died on February 12th. Granted, that was a long time ago, but I don't think I will ever not think about it."
Regina's eyes widened. Emma had never told her when that had happened, only that it occurred before graduation. More things in her memory began to make sense.
"And, I've been struggling a lot more lately, and then I thought about last February." Emma pressed her lips together in a tight line, a reflex she developed to allow her to keep her mouth closed about things she shouldn't speak on in present company. But, Regina's hand caressed her knee and her determination dissolved. "A year ago today, you told me that you couldn't choose me or wouldn't choose me. At any rate, you made it clear that I wasn't your first choice. Then, I got to thinking about how you lit up when Dani appeared at the breakfast table. And, you did it again when she called."
Regina's face grew stormy. "Emma, that's not---" She inched closer to the blonde, wanting to offer comfort but not knowing how.
The blonde held up a hand and squeezed her eyes shut as she faced her girlfriend, maybe ex-girlfriend. She inhaled and let the air out of her lungs slowly. "No. Please hear me out. At first, I thought you needed space because you felt like you had to take care of me too much. But we've taken turns on that since the beginning. I mean, yes, you handled me before we were together for the whole Michael thing. I took care of you when Gold retired, and MM showed up. I was there when your neighbor's dog died. And, when you thought you thought someone had hacked your email, so that didn't seem reasonable. Then, I started sifting through the facts about you or us that I do know. I know you would never cheat on me. That I don't doubt for even a second, but I also know that Dani is your first love. Her love is the basis for how you see the rest of your lovers. She might even be the love of your life, and I know that I don't fill those shoes. I've realized that I can't. I'm the convenient stand-in for someone better."
Regina scoffed again. "Better, my ass--"
"I never went to a private prep school, and I've never had money. I've never been loved the way you love her." Her voice cracked as she choked the last sentence out of her mouth. "I can't stand in the way of that. You deserve to be happy."
Emma didn't notice Regina slipping closer until the woman slung a leg over her hips and fell into her lap. She tipped Emma's head up so that she had no choice but to look into dark chocolate pools glistening with unshed tears. "I've never loved anyone the way I love you, you insufferable idiot." She pressed her lips to Emma's in a chaste sweet kiss before slowly moving her mouth, prying the woman's lips apart. Regina sighed, tasting the blonde. Her tongue slipped in and caressed the roof of Emma's mouth, earning a desperately melancholy whine. Soon their tongues entwined in a dance that was neither heated nor regretful. Finally, want of air separated the two. Regina rested her forehead against Emma's.
"My lovely idiot, what started this downward spiral into seeing everything wrong? Hmm."
Her eyes glistened. Her inner happiness glowed under Regina's skin.
"Dani is not what I want. If I let you walk away from me now, I still wouldn't take Dani back. She and I are so far over that I cannot understand how we were ever together."
"Then, why do you keep pushing me away? I know you said you don't want us to be codependent, but what do you even mean by that? Couples need each other. When one is weak, the other steps in and holds them up. When one is sick, they care for their lover. When one is tired, the other takes care of them. You take turns being the caretaker and the one who is broken. It's how it works."
"Why didn't you say something earlier?" Regina softened her voice, still training to understand how she'd missed the signs that Emma had been distressed.
"I tried. You kept telling me you needed this for you. Even when I tried to add extra dates in, you let me see you two nights a week which is better than nothing. But you know I don't do well at night when I am alone; sleep wouldn't come, and I couldn't tell you because it was my problem to deal with, not yours. I tried so hard to make it work. I worked out more. I graded papers until 3 a.m. I've cooked and cleaned this place until you can eat off the floor and not catch anything. I hid in the bedroom whenever Augie and Christie were home because I couldn't stand to see them being so devoted to each other when I can't have that. I keep trying to give everyone the space they need."
Regina brushed Emma's hair back with her fingers. She waited until sorrow-filled emeralds opened before she spoke. "You deserve to be happy too. If I made you feel you weren't allowed to ask for more, I'm sorry. I've been so wrapped up in getting over my own issues I didn't notice yours."
"Yeah, and I never told you why I was down in the first place." She dropped her head onto Regina's shoulder. "I think I am beginning to see the appeal in uhauling it on the third date. We wouldn't be going through all of this crap. We wouldn't have to worry about whether we are spending too much or too little time together. We could just be."
"I thought we had learned to talk to each other." Regina chewed her lower lip pensively.
Emma chuckled softly. "We still suck at communicating."
"Speaking of," Regina kissed her again, "didn't you say something about dinner?" Her lips continued down a pale jawline, found the juncture with her neck, and headed south. She licked Emma's pulse point, feeling the blood jumping underneath the skin. It enticed her to bite down and leave a reminder for the woman.
The blonde hummed. "We can order takeout?"
"I thought you were going to cook," Regina stated, her fingers sneaking under the blonde's shirt.
Emma deflated a little. "Honestly, this afternoon, I had every intention of going to the market to pick up something to cook, and then our texts took a turn that I still don't know how it happened, and then it was all I could do to go to therapy and back." Emma's fingers found the zipper on the back of her dress. Using her mouth, she pulled at the cleavage, making the dress slide down the other woman's arms.
"Did you tell the doc that you thought we were over?" Regina asked, genuinely concerned for her girlfriend's mental state over the last few hours. But, Emma's breath on her exposed chest made concentrating on their conversation more difficult.
"No. I told her I had a bad day." A little smile appeared on the blonde's lips before she began planting a trail of kisses on her lover's soft skin. "I don't think I believed we were over."
Regina scoffed. "A bad day. Don't you think that's a little bit of an understatement? Ohh, you are making this hard."
"Nuh, uh. I'm innocent. I swear." She giggled then Emma answered honestly. "At the time, I didn't. Now, I think the whole thing was ludicrous. I feel like somewhere between my classroom and home that I must have been attacked by a dementor because--"
"You gave up hope when everything is fine." Regina leaned forward and captured pale lips. "Do we need to find the chocolate?"
"Nope. I found a better cure." She mumbled against the lacy cup of Regina's bra that she worked to remove with her teeth.
"What do you say we order from the Thai restaurant? They're usually pretty fast."
Emma snorted. "Their poor delivery guy."
Regina stepped off her lap, dropped her dress and bra to the floor. She let her love's eyes feast on her curves before resuming her position.
"Keeping the heels on, Mills?"
"You think they are sexy."
"You make anything sexy." Emma started laughing. "Isn't he the one that you answered the door wearing only my shirt? And, it wasn't quite long enough, so you kept pulling it down in front." She cackled. "The guy turned magenta."
Blushing profusely, Regina rolled her eyes. "So, it's your turn to answer the door mostly naked."
The brunette pursed her lips in a pout.
"Challenge accepted."