It feels like nothing she has ever experience before. The pain, the aches, and above all the loneliness. Her head hurts, from all the crying. But she would rather the headache instead of the heart ache. She’s barely moved in days.
When she wakes up (if she even managed to sleep) she just lays there, dreading the sunshine. Dreading a new day, because she’s the same broken person. A new day doesn’t mean a fresh start. It’s a reminder of what she doesn’t have any more. A new day, but she’s lost everything. A new day to remind her that she has nothing.
Today though, she has actually has been able to get out of bed, and not just for a bathroom break. She considered just laying there, like the days before, but the pink half done walls started to get to her. The pink walls have been that way since she’s left. So Rosie has decided to do something about. She’d taken the black can of paint and thrown it on the wall. The pink was too bright, too inviting too… happy. And she wasn’t happy, not anymore so what’s the point of the pink walls?
After that, with paint smeared all over her, she sat in the corner of the room, just… being. Her head sent sharp pains to the back of her eyes. Maybe if she cries again, she could convince herself that it was because of this headache and not the heartache. She looks around the room and it bothers her that she is broken but the room still has elements of her. From the decoration to the layout. It’s been days, and the room still taunts her. She can feel it bubbling up inside, and who is she kidding, it’s not because of the headache. Don’t you dare cry. Tears start to pool at the corner of her eyes. In a memory, Rosie can clearly see her beautiful smile. Pleasedon’t cry. She closes her eyes and that causes two tears to fall. Behind her eyelids she see’s her laughing hysterically at the mess she’s made. STOP. CRYING. Another set of tears fall. Damn it! She now feels rage and she throws her head back against the wall. It’s the first time that the memories cause anger instead of sadness. Anger got her out of bed and anger had came from the memories. She clenches her fists and the anger pushes out the sad tears and replaces them with angry ones. She pushes herself up and begins to hurl the books closest to her to the other side of the room. Stop. Crying. Now there’s a steady stream falling and she is picking up discarded shoes, clothes, (anything really) and she throws them with all her might. When she’s thrown everything within her reach, she stomps her way to the nearest wall and starts picking at the frames.
She pulls at the first one hanging. Our first date. She hurls it to the pile on the other side. She hears the glass shatter on impact.
She rips off the second one. Our first painting class. She slams that frame against the floor, ignoring the fragments of wood that break off.
She moves to the third one. Our favorite concert. She punches her hand into the glass, loving the feeling of being physically hurt instead of emotionally. Too bad it won’t replace it.
She then moves to the bedside table and picks up the frame that holds a picture of their first Christmas together. She pauses at this one, this one is more important than the rest. Their first Christmas together had also been the first day they moved into their shared flat. This day had filled her heart with so much love, that she swore she could feel love seeping out of her pores. When she told her this, she had laughed and called her a weirdo. But I was her weirdo. She closes her eyes at the memory, still sobbing. She’s not angry anymore. She remembers smiling all day that day, as they baked cookies and opened presents. The anger leaves her body and now she’s just sad again.
But she can destroy this one. Right? Her hands start gripping at the corners. All she has to do is throw it or smash it. It’s as simple as that. She grips a little harder and her knuckles turn white. All she has to do is count to 3. 1… 2… here goes… She shakes her head and realizes that she can’t possibly ruin this one. She slumps to their-… her bed and she continues sobbing and clutching at the frame. She is clutching it as if it will give her any comfort. As if it will make the pain go away.
The bright side is at least the room is destroyed. So there’s that.
—————
What must it be like to love again, she thinks. She can’t possibly love again after this right?
She supposes anything could happen, because never in a million years did she think that this would ever happen. She didn’t think that she would fall this deep, and be crushed in the end. But to love again? I mean she’d be stupid to get near that.
Sure, Rosie's been told that she gets attached too easily, feels too much, but this was the first time she was in love, like actual love. It's been a few weeks now, and honestly it feels like a year has passed. Her whole life has changed. Two weeks after it happened, she forced herself to try and be “normal”. Everyone noticed, but she didn’t care. She was trying to get through the damn day, every day. She would wake up and instantly dread it. She would make a half attempt to make herself presentable, and she knew that she did push the line sometimes. She would get to work, and barely make an effort. It was enough to say that she did something, but who was she kidding. She wasn’t adding value, not nearly the amount she was before. Rosie just wanted to make it through the day, it didn’t matter how she did it.
But now, the weeks it’s been since then, she does wonder if she’ll ever love again. What a waste of time. Rosie was a romantic, but now… could she fall in so deep like that again? She’s second guessing this, when before she was so ready and excited for love. Rosie spent hours upon hours thinking about this. She loved love, but was this pain worth it? Now that she knew that this could happen. That this could be an outcome. Could she even love again after losing this? Losing the love? What a fucking disaster.
Theres no way she’ll be do anything else at work now, so she packs up her stuff and leaves.
—————
8 months. It’s been 8 months, and Rosie feels…. What does she feel?
She had asked her boss, a month after the break up, if she could move and work remote. She couldn’t take it. When she tried to follow the same routine, all it did was remind her of before. So she asked her boss and thankfully the years of her amazing work paid off. Her boss approved her move. Thank God. She moved to the next city over, not too far away, in an attempt to stop seeing her everywhere. Here, no neighborhood restaurants had memories. No parks had memories. There was nothing here, everything was new. While her heart still ached of her leaving, there was nothing else left for Rosie. Rosie’s friends, were actually her friends. When those said friends caught wind of Rosie being dumped, they dropped her the same. When the approval came through, she packed up everything - including her broken heart and the lone picture of them together on Christmas - and left.
Rosie made sure to try new places, to at least give her mind a break on thinking about the love she lost. She tried new restaurants, made acquaintances but that’s all they were. But Rosie hated being lonely. It’s one thing to want to be left alone, it’s another to actually be lonely. And right now Rosie was lonely. But she couldn’t trust anyone, so what was the point to try to meet anyone if she wasn’t ready to trust them. So that was the dilemma. On one hand, Rosie didn’t want to be so lonely anymore, but on the other, she wasn’t ready to have someone come into her life. They could easily walk out, just as they walked in. Making acquaintances was already a huge effort, but it didn’t satisfy her. So at the end of the day she went home to her lonely apartment. She went home with her broken heart and she went to sleep the same way. Rinse and repeat.
—————
On occasion, she goes through social media to see what’s she’s been up too… but that’s just a habit she can’t break… Even if its been months after the break up…
And listen, Rosie isn’t doing it more then 3 times a week… 5 times max… And it’s to check in on her. That’s it. And ok fine… she is hoping, with all her might, that maybe she was hurting too. Maybe she was just as broken…
So when a photo of her with that beautiful gummy megawatt smile, next to an equally beautiful girl, pops up 10 months after the break up… Rosie thinks that going for a drink (or 10) is just what the doctor ordered.
—————
She bee lines to the bartender, as soon as she steps into the hole in the wall bar she discovered 2 months ago. She likes it. It feels peaceful and quite frankly the bartender has a heavy hand when he can sense that Rosie has had a bad day. He is friendly and she likes his company. When she gets super trashed, he lets her wait with him till he closes up and he walks her home. She would say that they are friends (it was hard for her to admit that) and after a month she finally accepted that she could have possibly made a friend, like an actual friend, but she doesn’t want to assume and as a bartender he has to be friendly with their customers. So there’s that.
“Hey Rosie.” Vince says when he sees her sit down.
“Hey.” Rosie props her head up in her hands and blows out a big sigh.
“Long day?” Vince says, already pouring her a shot. See? He is a saint.
“You can say that. I am just going to hit you with it.” Rosie downs the shot, groaning. “She’s got a girlfriend I think.” She closes her eyes and she winces - not completely sure if its because of the alcohol in her throat or if its because of the supposed girlfriend. Let’s go with alcohol.
“Oh no, are you sure?”
“No, but her smile was enough to set me off so here we are.” Rosie lifts her shot glass and Vince pours. Vince always knows what to do. She tips it back and slams the empty glass down. Vince knows the story. Unfortunately, a month after she discovered this place and she was regularly coming by and on a day she was super trashed, Rosie had spilled and told him everything. She had heard him go on and on about some person he was dating and it triggered something in her that made her word vomit. Turns out, it was good to have someone hear her out and not once did he judge her. Again, she thinks it’s because as a bartender he must have to put up with this. Plus, she is sure she spends a lot of money here too.
“Well fuck her anyway.” Vince says cracking out a beer and sets it down in front of her.
“Don’t say that…” Vince quirks an eyebrow. “I just mean… well I don’t know but…”
“She dumped you Rosie. Told you ‘that you were fun’ but the ride was over…”
“Well she didn’t say that exactly.”
“Rosie.”
“OK fine, but just let me be sad.”
Vince shakes his head and lets it go. He was just backing her up, but Rosie was still hanging onto to her. She takes a drink and waves Vince off to help another customer.
Maybe he is right fuck her…She left me. Told me that I wasn’t fun anymore and that it was over and that she didn’t love me. Fuck her and fuck that bitch-
“I am pretty sure the napkin is innocent.” A voice says and Rosie snaps out of it. She looks at the napkin she had apparently started to rip to pieces. Rosie looks for the source of the voice and she sees a pretty girl leaning her upper body on the bar.
“Yeah well, it was in my hands… so…”
“An innocent bystander caught in a pretty girls rage? Sign me up.” The girl says giving Rosie a smirk.
Rosie lets out a sarcastic chuckle, there’s no way that the girl thinks that works right?
“Please tell me that doesn’t work.”
“I don’t know, it’s a new one for me. But you replied, so I would say so far so good?” Rosie cringes. She takes another sip and directs her attention at the TV above her, playing some game that no one cares about. “Or maybe it doesn’t?”
“I don’t want to encourage you.”
“Are you waiting for someone to get here then?” The girl continues clearly not getting that Rosie has no interest.
Rosie ignores her. She can’t tell her that no, she is in fact not waiting for anyone. She has no one. She can’t tell her because she has no clue who this girl is and she could be a psycho killer. So she will just ignore her. Yeah, that seems right. When Rosie doesn’t reply, she can see the girl has accepted the fact that Rosie is not one for conversation. The two exist in an awkward bubble of silence. Rosie occasionally side glances to she if the girl leaves but no luck.
“I see that you two have met judging by the weird vibe that you are giving off.” Vince has ventured back after a few minutes of silence. This causes Rosie to shoot her eyebrows up but says nothing. “Lisa, this is my friend Rosie.” Cool, so we are friends.That settles that. “Rosie, this annoying girl, as I am sure you figured out, is my best friend Lisa.” Rosie lifts her glass up and proceeds to take a drink.
“Nice to meet you Rosie.” Vince chuckles but points a finger at Lisa. Rosie might have missed something.
“No way Lisa. Rosie here is off limits.” Rosie goes along with it and nods her head.
“Yeah, I could tell. ” Lisa chuckles and Rosie finishes off her beer and sets the bottle down. “Well.. at least get Rosie another drink and put it under my tab.” Rosie gives her a questioning stare. “As a sign of truce?”
“I won’t say no to that.” Rosie says quickly.
Lisa lets out a real laugh - It’s cute - and shakes her head.
“Maybe next time, I will start with a drink before talking to you.” Vince uncaps another beer and hands it over to Rosie.
“Next time? We will see.” Rosie says taking her first sip, off her free beer.
“Yo Vince, are you going to actually serve me or what… “
Rosie hears the two bicker and she looks back to the TV. She can clearly tell that the girl is easy going and listen, Rosie isn’t blind, so she can admit when she see’s a beautiful person and Lisa is very beautiful. And not to be that girl, but this isn’t the first time that someone hits on her. But it is the first time that the person is friends with some one she knows. It’s also the first time that someone didn’t get all butt hurt that Rosie turned them down. The girl looks tall, and she is wearing these jeans that do her all kinds of favors. And don’t get Rosie started on the cute buns her hair is in. The underside of Lisa’s hair is bleached and she looks good. Like really good.
If Rosie was being Rosie, then maybe things would be different and she would welcome the flirting. Welcome the attention. Welcome the conversation. But Rosie isn’t, not anymore, and so she goes back to the boring ass game that is playing and just lets the alcohol run through her veins. Lets the instagram picture she saw earlier, overtake her mind.
—————
So… Rosie clearly has had too much to drink. It wasn’t unusual for a Tuesday, as a matter of fact, it was a very Tuesday thing to do but she didn’t think she would actually get drunk. Vince had cut her off about an hour ago and had been handing her several glasses of water after - telling her the more water she drank the bigger discount she would get next time. Not gonna say no to that. He even gave her half of his sandwich. See? That’s what friends do. The instagram picture from earlier had started to settle into her mind and she couldn’t get it out. So she drank and drank until Vince had stopped her.
“Vinny boyyy… can I get my billlllllll? Let me take out some bills to pay for my billllll.” Rosie laughs. Damn, she’s so funny. Vince gives her a thumbs up and while she waits, she started to stare into her glass of water. She must have been staring for a while.
“The way you are looking into that, you’d think it was a magic ball or something.” This makes Rosie laugh, like a genuine laugh.
“Maybe, it is ya know, maybe I can see my future and yours and I’ll charge you for my prediction.” Rosie slowly looks over to the girl with the smooth voice.
“Charge me huh? Whats the price?” Lisa takes the bait, and Rosie leans in closer.
“If you can get me another…”
“Absolutely not Rosie, no more for you.” Vince says from the register.
“Vinny how did you…”
“You are the worst at whispering when you are drunk. I can hear you from here you dork.” Vince deadpans and Lisa laughs out loud. Rosie pouts and crosses her arms. This causes Lisa to laugh even more, and Rosie pouts even further.
“Boo. Vincent you are boring.” Rosie finally says and she stands up to get ready to leave.
“You better not leave Rosie, I am going to walk you home.” Vince says clearly amused that Rosie has decided to throw a fit.
“No way Vincent, I am leaving. I gotta bounce up out of here since you are boring Vinny bo-binny.” Rosie slight slurs out and she throws up an L to her forehead and Vince laughs again.
“Don’t be like that Rosie!”
“I can walk her home Vince.” Lisa says amused at drunk Rosie. Rosie is throwing up the peace sign, clearly set on leaving now, this minute, and Vince has no other choice.
“Fine, but please don’t let her out of your sight. One time, I forgot my phone in the bar and I told her to wait and when I came back out she had fallen asleep on the bus bench.”
“You got it.”
“I am serious Lisa, don't let her out of your sight. And please text me when you physically walk her through her door.” Vince pleads.
“Understood. Will you just let the others know I left?” Vince gives her a thumbs up and Lisa turns to follow Rosie out. Any other time, Rosie would have profusely refused any one else’s company but something about Lisa made her feel safe.
“Will you be accompanying on my journey to hell then?” Rosie says as soon as Lisa steps out.
“Sorry what?”
“Hell? Are you accompanying me to hell?” Rosie laughs after an awkward pause. “Hell being my place…?” Rosie thought the joke was obvious.
“Uh sure.” Lisa says giving Rosie a side glance and an awkward chuckle. She shoves her hands in her pockets. “Is that what your place is called? Hell?”
“Oh yes, it’s hell for me.” Rosie says nonchalantly and she see’s Lisa give her another quizzical look.
“Can I ask you why?” Lisa says and Rosie decides that this is the time to start walking. Rosie walks while she looks up at the night sky, set on not answering the loaded question. Lisa soon follows, not pushing any further, and they are brushing shoulders every now and then.
“You know, you don’t have to walk me home. Believe it or not, I can get home myself.” Rosie glances over at Lisa and she can see Lisa nodding. “I am not that drunk ya know.”
“I know, but figured walking alone was boring. And well, I always wondered what a walk to hell would feel like.”
Rosie laughs at this and it’s most likely the lingering alcohol, but she actually doubles over in laughter. Lisa laughs at her too. And ok, she is very grateful that she has company, especially if Lisa is this funny.
“Seems like Vince thinks you’ll lose your way on the way to hell.”
“Vince also thinks that coffee stunted his growth.” Lisa laughs at this.
“He’s told you that huh?”
“Oh yeah, I had to hear him go on and on about how he knows he would have been taller. I think that was the same night he told me that it was actual the 15 second rule and not 5.” Lisa stops at this and laughs even harder than before.
“Oh man! He literally says anything to pick up food off the floor and eat it! Especially at the bar, he is so gross!” Lisa and Rosie laugh for a bit longer and even wipe some tears away. “Oh that’s hilarious. I love Vince.” Lisa says finally having her laughter subside. “He means well, you know. If he watches out for you the way I saw him do tonight, that’s rare. He has your back and cares about you.”
“I know that now… I mean after today.” Rosie says feeling lightweight. “After he confirmed that I was his friend, it felt nice you know, to know that I could make a friend. I like to tease him too and call him shorty.” Rosie thinks some more and actually lets out a smile. “He is my only friend here, and honestly he never acted like I was weird. Even though he certainly should have.” Rosie thinks back to the night she told him everything and how he just listened to her without cutting her off. Listened to her, like what she had to say was important. “He always hears me out, and honestly after everything, I didn’t know I could trust anyone. Matter of fact, up until two months ago, I wasn’t ready to trust anyone.” Rosie starts to then think back to 8 months ago and how she had given up on everything. Given up on everyone. What was the point if the so called love of her life had even gotten up and left. “I didn’t think I would make a friend, but I see now that Vince is my friend and that makes me so happy. That I have someone here, that’s mine and not hers.” Rosie may or may not have let that last part out with some venom. “He isn’t her’s, so she doesn’t get to keep him.” Rosie’s vision blurs and she registers that she is crying. “He is my friend.” Rosie reaffirms, and she wipes away the tears. She stops and shakes her head quickly sobering up. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why this is happening.” Nervously lets out. Why did you have to cry? “I promise this isn’t…”
“You don’t need to apologize.” Rosie looks at Lisa from where she stopped, just a step ahead. “Don’t be sorry for crying. Don’t be sorry for letting your emotions out.” Rosie gapes at Lisa. Not only because of the understanding that Lisa has offered, but because Lisa looks at her like she isn’t embarrassed of her. Like a semi-drunk girl crying in the middle of the street at midnight, isn’t weird. And the fact that they know nothing about each other and this doesn’t scare her off. “Don’t be sorry for being human.” With that Lisa offers her elbow to Rosie and Rosie smiles a tear stained smile, and loops her arm through Lisa’s and they continue their walk.
—————
And no, Rosie, isn’t smiling like an idiot as she lays there and recalls the dumb jokes Lisa kept making on their way to her home after Rosie’s small breakdown. She isn’t smiling because Lisa tripped over a slight crack in the road. She isn’t smiling because Lisa actually laughed at one of her jokes. And no, she isn’t smiling recalling how she waved Lisa off with one too many thank you’s.
Rosie isn’t smiling at all.
(Rosie was a terrible liar anyway)
—————
What Rosie doesn’t expect is to see Lisa a few days later at one of her favorite coffee shops. A few times a week, Rosie works out of coffee shops, and this is the perfect place to do it. She has managed to get the cute little table by the window and she sets up. She’s got her computer in front of her, her book pulled out and her half empty caramel macchiato on the other side when she spots Lisa. Lisa is clearly looking for somewhere to sit. Rosie can see Lisa’s eyes roam across the room and they stop on her. Before Rosie can think, she lets out a small wave and Lisa waves back. They haven’t talked nor seen each other since that night, and believe it or not, Rosie doesn’t mind Lisa. She actually quite likes … Ok that’s enough of that.
“Hey Rosie.” Lisa says as she approaches the table but makes no move to sit. Strange.
“Hey Lisa, how’s it going?” Lisa arches an eyebrow. She must be as surprised as Rosie, considering she is actually starting a conversation.
“Its going great. How are you?”
“Just fine, thank you.” Rosie says finishing off her drink. Rosie quickly scans the room and sees there really is no other place to sit. Should I…? She gives Lisa a once over, and from the look of it she thinks Lisa might be looking to work from the shop too. “Do you uh…” Rosie says, clearly fumbling over asking a simple question.
“Oh no, I don’t want to intrude. “ Lisa is giving her a way out, and Rosie can’t help but feel bad. Considering what happened that night, Rosie thought they were friendly. I didn’t say something dumb did I? I remember that whole night…
“No, I insist. Please. “ Rosie starts making room for Lisa. “Call it a truce?” Rosie throws back to Lisa and… Oh my god. She’s got a fucking amazing smile. Lisa lights up like a Christmas tree.
“Well, if you insist.” Lisa says a little too quickly and she takes a seat. Maybe she was just testing the waters. She sets her bag down and pulls her computer out too. “You working too?”
“Yeah, I get to work out of shops sometimes and I really like this place.”
“Yeah me too, although it seems to be pretty full.” Lisa says rubbing at her neck. “Thanks for letting me sit here. I know you don’t like to be disturbed.” Rosie shakes her head. She wonders if this is still about not wanting to talk to her at the bar at first.
“Nonsense, because if I remember correctly you were great company during that walk,” Lisa gives her a smile, and Rosie decides to add, “so, don’t disappoint me.”
“Oh I wouldn’t dream of it.” Lisa says as she turns on her laptop and looks at Rosie’s empty cup. “I am getting a cup of coffee, do you want anything?”
“A green tea would be great.”
“Sounds great, be right back.”
Rosie isn’t sure why or how she is being this friendly, considering she is sober, but she chalks it up to Lisa being Vince’s best friend, so she might as well play nice. Rosie’s eyes follow Lisa as she walks up to the counter. She has her hair down this time and every time she turns her head you can see small flashes of blonde poking out from underneath. She’s got these beautiful eyes that Rosie knows she will never get tired of and a killer smile. She’s wearing a spiked leather jacket, which confuses Rosie considering how much of a dork Lisa is. And she realizes that Lisa really is a charmer, since Lisa has the employee laughing way too hard. Rosie feels her eyebrows furrow. What am I even feeling, how is… And then Rosie realizes that she has just been caught staring. Lisa is looking back at her and the employee who irked her for laughing a little too much is shooting her a knowing smile. Lisa proceeds to give Rosie a shy smile, almost like she knows what Rosie was just thinking. Rosie can feel the heat on her face and she quickly looks down and gets back to work, considering that is the reason she is even here in the first place. How fucking embarrassing. Rosie continues to go through her work, marking pages off in her book and cross checking her laptop, shaking off any other thoughts.
Lisa approaches the table and sets down the drinks. She then quickly runs to the counter and grabs two plates. Rosie sits a litter straighter to see what Lisa is carrying.
“Hope you don’t mind, but I thought it would be nice to have a snack too.” Lisa sets down a plate with two pieces of toast and Jam. “Erin,” Lisa points to the laugh monster, “said that this was really good and they also make the Jam here. So I thought…” Lisa widens her eyes and Rosie thinks that she’s seen a ghost. “Oh my god. Please don’t be allergic to anything? Are you? Fuck this was stupid, I didn’t know! I should have asked! Oh god…” Rosie lets a chuckle at the outburst.
“No, no, no. I am not allergic to anything. I love jam and toast, so this is really great Lisa. “ Rosie reaches over and grabs at her clenched hand. Lisa visibly relaxes and even places her other hand over Rosie’s. Wait, that’s not what’s supposed to happen. Rosie smoothly but quickly slips her hand out of the embrace and clears her throat. She moves her hair behind her ear, and picks up a piece and spreads jam on it. She takes a bit and moans at the taste, rolling her eyes to the back of her head. “Oh my god this is so good!” When she glances over at Lisa, she can see a slight blush taking over Lisa’s face.
“Uh- I am glad.” Lisa says smiling. Rosie lifts a piece to Lisa and Lisa instantly takes a bite. “Fuck, that is good. I should have gotten that.” Lisa says, and she looks down at her chocolate cake as she chews.
“Tell you what, if you share your piece of cake with me you can have my other piece of toast.” Rosie says finishing the first piece. “I really love chocolate cake.” Rosie wipes her hand on the napkin. “Matter of fact, I just love food.”
“Deal.” Lisa says, and snatches her toast and pushes the piece of cake toward Rosie.
And so, they settle into a routine. Its not said out loud, but they naturally meet up at the coffee shop. They don’t tell each other if they are going to be there the next day or anything (that would make too much sense), it’s like they just know. Rosie even starts to work more from the shop, just for the chance to meet up with Lisa. Rosie will usually get to the shop first, save the table by the window and Lisa will come in half an hour later. They grab drinks and snacks, and work throughout the day. They take breaks here and there to talk about trivial things and it’s nice. When Rosie is with Lisa, she forgets. When she is with Lisa, she feels different. But not a bad different, more like… she feels free again.
—————
It's on week 3 of their routine that Lisa asks for Rosie’s number.
“You want my number?” Rosie repeats. She was caught off guard if she was being honest. She kind of thought what they had was nice, and didn’t think it would be anything other then just this.
“Yeah, we are like friends right?” Lisa says. “So I thought maybe, we could get each others number and maybe hang out else where.” Rosie scrunches her eyebrows. “Not that I don’t love hanging here, but I thought it would be cool to like hang out without having to work.” Rosie isn’t really sure what to say. It’s not weird. But she is hesitant. But she isn’t sure why. “Its ok to say no, you know.” Lisa says, and it’s probably been an awkward silence since Rosie still hasn’t responded.
“Lisa I…”
“Don’t worry about it Rosie. It’s all good.” Lisa says, and she gives Rosie a smile. She grabs at the grapes that Rosie has and turns back to her laptop. Lisa then starts to tell her about the photoshoot she had that day, in hopes of trying to forget about what just happened.
Rosie feels like she’s being selfish, but she can’t bring herself to say yes, heck, she can’t even bring herself to say no. She is like a deer in headlights. She’s clearly overthinking this, it was just her number for god sakes, and Lisa is right, they are friends so it’s normal to have each others number. So why is she being like this?
They continue on for the rest of the day, working and occasionally talking. Rosie responds to Lisa in a distracted manner, and she hopes that Lisa doesn’t say anything. Several times Lisa has had to wave her hand in front of her to get her attention or get her to respond to a question. Rosie doesn’t know why she’s so stuck on this, Lisa gave her a way out and told her to forget about it.
It’s when they start to pack up that Rosie decides that she does want to give Lisa her number, and damn it, she will do it. Lisa is humming a song as she picks up after herself and Rosie, and Rosie just pushes herself to do it. Just do it coward!
“Hey Lisa.” Rosie starts and she is wringing her hands together.
“Yea what’s up?” Lisa looks up and sees that Rosie just is looking at her, not saying anything but staring. “Hmm? Is there something on my face?” Lisa reaches up and Rosie shakes her head. Lisa starts to look around to see what’s gotten Rosie so spooked. “Hey, what’s the matter?”
“Nothing, it’s just that…” Rosie swallows. Come on coward, do it. “Its just that… well - I think it’s a great idea ya know.” God what are you even saying. “Jesus, what I meant was. I think it’s a great idea to you know… uh- exchange numbers?” Rosie lets out and she see Lisa furrow her eyebrows together.
“Rosie, you don’t need to do that.” She’s doing it again, but you better just do it!
“No listen, it’s just that…” What does Rosie say? Hey listen, I didn’t know I could trust you and well, I think its weird you’d want my number considering that I have nothing to offer and that you’ll get bored of me eventually?… Wait, maybe she should say that, at least it would be the truth… But no, Rosie sticks to her guns, pushing that stupid train of thought away. She is going to do it because she actually likes Lisa. “It’s just new for me, not new I guess, but it’s just that I have been having a hard time. And well,” Rosie pauses to look down at her hands and continues “it caught me off guard. But I do know that we are friends and yes, I would like to talk to you more then just here. So yes, I would like to give you my number.” Rosie stops her rambling. Lisa gives her the most genuine smile yet and Rosie swoons right then and there.
“Ok, that’s really great Rosie.” Lisa reaches for her back pocket and pulls out her phone. “Here, put your number in and I’ll do the same for you.” Rosie grabs her phone from her bag and hands it over. Once they are done, they grab their bags and head for the door.
“Ok, well i’ll text you yeah?” Lisa says slinging her bag over her head. Rosie nods and they part ways.
—————
And if Rosie looks at the contact every 5 mins and smiles every time on the way back to her home, well that’s her business and she doesn’t have to explain herself to anyone.
—————
They have been texting back and forth ever since that day. Mainly memes and gifs, and on occasion an article that they found on each other. And on the surface, it all seems very platonic but it still gives Rosie butterflies every time she sees that Lisa has sent her a message. They also start to learn basic things about each other too, like favorite colors and shows. Even recommending movies to one another, and then texting about them once they have watched each other’s recommendation.
When they aren’t texting, all Rosie can think about is sending Lisa a text to just check in on her. Or send her a funny picture that she saw and made her think of Lisa. It's not obsessive but it’s comforting to know that Rosie has another friend. They do actually text each other a lot so its not strange but on nights, when Rosie stays up once Lisa has let her know she would be going to sleep, Rosie dreams of her smile. Her laugh. And lately she’s been able to replace those dreams with Lisa’s laugh. Lisa’s smile. Lisa’s cackle. Lisa’s messages with one too many emojis. And Rosie doesn’t want to think about what that means, about how this could go wrong. Because Rosie finally feels happy, and well, she doesn’t want to deal with anything else. So she packs that down, and on those nights when it’s just her, she watches Lisa’s favorite show and really, what could go wrong?
—————
A recent development the past couple of weeks is they actually text each other and ask if they are meeting at the shop, and its all very exciting if you ask Rosie. The past week, however Lisa has been super busy with work and so they have spent even more time texting since they are not able to meet up at the shop. They talk about Lisa’s day and Rosie’s day. They talk about if they have any plans, which for Rosie usually means setting up Netflix for the night. They send each other pictures of their meals or things that remind them of each other and it could be the most mundane thing but Rosie loves it. Its been like this for a while and Rosie wonders what she even did before to fill her day. Wonders how she managed before.
On one specific night, Lisa is texting Rosie about how bored she was at an event she had to attend. Rosie selfishly thinks it’s kind of nice that Lisa is reaching out to her of all people, when she is sure there could be more interesting people she could reach out too.
After the last message that Rosie sent 10 mins ago goes unanswered, Rosie thinks that Lisa might have actually found something more interesting to occupy her time with. And its fine really, but Rosie can’t help but feel a little down. Another 5 mins go by and her phone rings.
“Hey Lisa, are you ok?” Is the first thing Rosie says once she sees who called.
“Hey, yeah I am ok. Are you?”
“Yeah.” Silence.
“So… What are you doing?” Rosie hesitates and wonders if she forgot something.
“I was actually just reading a book.”
“That sounds nice. Whats it about?” Lisa says like this is a normal thing they do… talking on the phone…
“Um, well I actually just started to read it and it was the first thing I picked up… are you sure you are ok?” Rosie says again because it's a little weird that Lisa would just call her.
“Oh yeah I am ok.” And Rosie might have breathed out a little harder than normal at the lie. “It’s nothing… it’s just that- well, I missed you.” Lisa says and there’s a pause. There are no other sounds for Rosie expect her heartbeat that’s in her ears, and it may or may not be beating a bit faster than normal. “Is that weird?” Lisa says after a beat. “Please don’t tell me you hung up.” She lets out an awkward chuckle.
“Oh uh- no I-I am still here.” Rosie fumbles, still shocked.
“So is it?”
“Is what?”
“Is it weird Rosie that I missed you?”
“Well, I-Lisa… “ Rosie can hear Lisa release a defeated breath. And Rosie doesn’t want her to take it back so she just says the next thing on her mind.
“Rosie, sorr-…”
“Honestly… no it isn’t,” Rosie whispers, cutting off Lisa and she hopes that Lisa heard. When Lisa lets out another breath, one that Rosie is sure she was holding, Rosie feels giddy. “Is it weird that I’ve missed you too?”
“Absolutely not. I am relieved you do actually.” Lisa says with a chuckle. They both laugh and Rosie isn’t ready to say anything else. Lisa can probably sense the hesitation and so she continues. “I noticed it the other day, that I missed you a lot more than I thought.” Rosie lays out on her couch feeling the excitement build up in her stomach, pulling her blanket a little higher. “I was getting an Americano and almost ordered a green tea… you know, for you.” Lisa shyly lets out. “Then today, when we were texting, I just had to leave because I wanted to hear your voice and just be with you.” Lisa admits and Rosie wishes she had the same courage Lisa did. To admit all that, Rosie would probably pass out. But Rosie isn’t going to leave Lisa hanging, especially hearing everything that Lisa confessed. “I tried to push it down, I couldn’t bring my self to tell you that I missed you cause I didn’t know if you know…. And well today I just couldn’t pretend anymore…” Lisa rushes the last part out.
“You know, I thought that too and I thought maybe I was being too clingy.” Rosie laughs out and she hears Lisa giggle too. “I was at the coffee shop, but I actually did order two desserts, one for me and one for you.” Rosie admits. She had been embarrassed at the shop realizing that Lisa wasn’t going to be there. “But I got to eat both, without someone trying to eat everything, so it was actually heaven on earth.” Rosie teases and she hears Lisa give her a whine. Rosie is almost positive that Lisa is pouting.
“You jerk.”
“Oh poor little Lisa.” Rosie continues and she laughs at Lisa’s pouty voice. Rosie knows her smile isn’t going anywhere and she closes her eyes. “I’ve missed you a whole lot Lisa. I really have.” Deep down Rosie’s mind is asking her what the hell she is doing, but her heart seems content and so that’s enough for now.
“I’ve missed you so much Rosie. Tell me about your day again, I just want to hear your voice.”
And Rosie tells her and she makes sure that she includes every detail she can. And when she’s done, she asks Lisa to do the same.
—————
After what seems like an eternity, (its been 4 days) Lisa finally lets her know that her last schedule will be finishing up soon. Ever since that night, Rosie will call Lisa first thing in the morning to wish her a good morning and Lisa will call her at night so they can talk about their day. And yes, they still text in between. Lisa has also invited her out tonight, she texted Rosie that she wanted to hang out with her since she was getting off early and wondered if Rosie was free. And of course Rosie is free, all she had planned was an episode of a show and maybe a glass of wine and to wait around till Lisa called, so she agrees and off she heads to Vince’s bar.
Since she doesn’t live far, Rosie has arrived a bit early from the planned time but that’s ok since Vince is already giving her the biggest smile.
“Hey you ! Haven’t seen you in a while!” Vince says, and he comes from behind the bar and gives Rosie a bear hug. “You look different Rosie!” Vince says as they embrace.
“I know! I have tried not to drink so much anymore.” Rosie says because it’s true. Since Lisa, she now just stays home and they chat and there’s no time to drink her sorrows away, since she can admit she’s not as sad as before. (And she hasn’t checked her instagram profile in weeks) “As for looking different, is that good or bad?” Rosie says hesitating.
“Oh its good! You look happy Rosie.” Vince says as he pulls away and squeezes her shoulders. “Thats good for the drinking too but you can still see come by and see me. I missed you Rosie.” Vince says and he lets her go. “What’s it going to be today?”
“Just a beer for now.” And before Vince can fully turn around to go get that beer Rosie adds “oh and whatever Lisa normally drinks too please.” Vince arches those perfectly done eyebrows and throws Rosie the biggest smirk she has ever seen.
“Oh I see.” Rosie rolls her eyes. “You are meeting miss LaLisa.” Vince looks like a school boy who has just found out the teachers are dating. “Since when has this been going on?”
Rosie huffs, because of course Vince would say this.
“I know you know Vince, that we talk. You are Lisa’s best friend. And it’s not anything, we just call and text each other. As for today, it’s just friends meeting for a drink.” Rosie counters.
“Actually I had no idea, but now I know Lisa has been holding out on me, so she’ll get water instead of liquor.” Vince sticks his tongue out and goes around making Lisa’s drink. And sure enough, he uses water and Rosie can’t believe she has befriended children. He sets the drink down and Rosie thinks about what he has said. This isn’t a thing right?Or is it? Rosie combs through the countless interactions that she has had with Lisa, but she doesn’t think they have been… dating… have they? Ok don’t panic, it’s just a light teasing. Its nothing…I mean I did tell her I missed her… But that’s normal, right? Even if it was a thing, which its not, its good and it feels nice. Rosie takes a big gulp of beer. Don’t over think. Don’t over think… Don’t… And then she sees Lisa walk in, and she almost spits out her beer because Lisa… Lisa looks so good. Has Lisa always looked like this?! Rosie hasn’t seen her in a week, except the selfies they send each other, because of course they do that, and seeing Lisa in person is so much better than those selfies. She’s got her hair in those cute amazing buns that Rosie loves so much, (she may or may not have mentioned that) and she sporting a green plaid blazer and holy smokes, Rosie could really walk up to her and give her a kiss and… Wait, what?
“ROSIE!” Lisa says when she spots Rosie and she’s waving like a total dork, and if Rosie lights up and feels her heart pound a little faster, well that’s her secret and no one else’s. Lisa comes at full speed to Rosie and in a second Rosie stands up, willingly, and throws her arms around Lisa and Lisa picks her up and Rosie is giggling like a school girl. “Rosie, I missed you.” Lisa says just for Rosie to hear. And Rosie can’t possibly speak after that but she nods her head and buries her face into Lisa’s neck. Lisa spins her one more time and then she puts Rosie down. She reaches out and fixes her hair. Rosie wants to lean into her hand but she doesn’t.
“I know miss busy bee.” Rosie says gaining her composure, and she jesters for Lisa to sit down. “You’ve finally made time for me, thought I was going to have to make an appointment.” This causes Lisa to laugh and she reaches out to grab Rosie’s hand to give it a squeeze.
“Had you done that, and I would have dropped everything.” Lisa winks (fucking winks) after that and Rosie may have choked on her own spit.
“I will remember that for next time.” Rosie is about to sit down too when she see’s Vince giving her a shit-eating grin and Rosie rolls her eyes but that blush she feels creeping up her neck gives her away. Lisa takes a sip of the drink in front of her and smacks her lips together.
“Not sure if I have no taste buds or something because this doesn’t taste like alcohol.” Lisa says taking another sip.
“Oh Vince is grumpy that you didn’t tell him we were friends so he gave you water.” Rosie says, no shame in selling Vince out.
“VINCE! “ Lisa yells and shoots up out of her seat and walks to the other end of the bar. The two bicker and Rosie chuckles. It’s quite a scene to witness, the carefree banter of friends that she has come to cherish.
“You know, I always did love that smile the most.” Rosie freezes and she swears she could black out at any second. It can’t be… right.? “But I always thought it was a smile only reserved for me… Guess that’s my own fault.” God really does hate Rosie, like really hates her. Frozen, Rosie stares straight ahead and tries to reason that she has finally gone crazy. Thats what this is, I have finally gone crazy. That’s it. “She’s cute, you always were a stickler for wild girls. She seems wild anyway…” And Rosie sets her eyes on Lisa, and she must have some telepathic connection to Lisa, because Lisa looks over like she knows Rosie needs her. Vince also see’s that Lisa is looking over and he is practically shoving Lisa her way. Vince recognized her immediately.
Because there she stood, Jennie in all her glory. Jennie with the most beautiful gummy smile. Jennie with the cutest laugh. Jennie with the best jokes. Jennie with the beautiful eyes. Jennie who made her love. Jennie who broke her. Jennie who took everything. And no, Rosie can’t cry now right. Rosie knows she has to actually look her in the eye but she can’t, so she looks at everywhere but her. She knows that Jennie is loving this, always loving having Rosie in the palm of her hand.
“Hi. I’m Lisa.” She hears Lisa say, and it must have been weird the three of them standing there with Rosie lost in her thoughts. Rosie isn’t sure what to say until she feels something on her shoulders. (Is that Lisa’s arm wrapping around Rosie’s shoulders?) Rosie instinctually feels her shoulders relax just a little, once she’s able to process, that yes that is Lisa’s arm. “And you are?” Jennie seems shocked that Lisa doesn’t know who she is and Rosie internally cheers.
“Jennie.” They give each other a respectful nod and Rosie knows that Jennie expects her to blow Lisa off for Jennie. To make time for Jennie, and only Jennie. Jennie give’s her that look and Rosie wants to throw herself into a black hole. The stare-off between them is not long but it feels like time has stopped. Lisa clears her throat.
“Rosie you ready?” Lisa says and she applies a little pressure to Rosie shoulders and that’s Rosie cue to get the fuck out of there. Lisa just knows the right things to do.
“Oh. I am sure Rosie wants to stay.” Jennie says, and Rosie knows that Jennie is being Jennie. Trying to claim Rosie as hers. She lost that right. And then Lisa does the most Lisa thing and Rosie might die.
“Oh? Rosie did you want to stay here?” Lisa gives Rosie an option, instead of demanding the way Jennie did. And Rosie finally looks at Lisa and see’s the softness that she loves most about Lisa. She sees the understanding. She see’s that Lisa looks right into her soul and knows that she won’t overstep unless Rosie wants her too.
“Actually, no I don’t. I know we have that thing.” Rosie plays along giving Lisa a pleading look of ‘get me the fuck out of here’. “Sorry Jennie but we are running late.” Rosie squeaks out and she sneaks a look at Jennie and Jennie is seething but she puts on a mask of indifference.
“Well I’ll be here a while, in case you decide to change your mind.” Jennie lets out and she reaches out to push the hair out of Rosies eyes. And Rosie feels Lisa clench a little tighter around Rosies shoulders and she steps forward.
“Come on Rosie.” Lisa says and Rosie gets up and moves away. Lisa takes her to the back of the bar and opens the door. Rosie glances back to Jennie, and she see’s Jennie giving her a smirk, like she knows Rosie will come back. Rosie always did before.
Lisa leads her through the back, and they finally make it outside. Rosie feels the outside air hit and it makes the tension slowly start to seep away. Lisa grabs Rosie’s hand and she tugs her toward a ladder that leads to the roof. “Come on.” Lisa says and she climbs up and Rosie follows.
They make it to the top and there’s a cute little set up on top of the bar. There’s patio furniture and two tables under hanging lights.
“We come here sometimes during the day to hang out before Vince opens the bar. “ Lisa says as she leads Rosie to a couch and she jesters for Rosie to sit. “We also come sometimes to watch the sunset or sunrise, it’s the best spot in the whole neighborhood to watch.” Lisa pulls a cooler closer to them and takes out two beers. “That was actually my plan today, to bring you up here.” Lisa continues as she opens the first beer and hands it to Rosie. “I was going to ask if you wanted to see something cool and bring you up here.” Lisa chuckles and opens the second beer. Rosie takes a drink and her hands might be shaking a little but Lisa’s voice had soothed her. They sit there and look out on the neighborhood. Rosie takes in the setting sun and the beautiful orange color and decides that the sunset will always remind her of Lisa. The sunset will be Lisa’s because it's calm. It’s peaceful. Lisa who thought about her feelings, Lisa who was caring and kind and sweet. “Rosie, are you ok?” Lisa finally whispers, and Rosie can tell that Lisa is scared to ask. She is scared to have Rosie run off.
Am I ok? Rosie thinks about this question. She didn’t cry so that’s good right? And she stood up to Jennie, well she only did that because Lisa was there, but it still happened. But is she ok? Rosie continues to look out to the tops of houses and she can feel Lisa looking at her, but it doesn’t feel heavy. It gives her comfort, gives her safety. She decides she won’t lie, not to Lisa, and so she slights shakes her head and looks at Lisa. Lisa waits for her, not pushing nor demanding.
“Lisa.” Rosie breathes out. And she closes her eyes. “I am not ok.” And Rosie feels a weight she didn’t know was there lift slightly. She opens her eyes, and see Lisa still looking at her. She’s pulled up her knees under her chin and she seems to understand. How does someone look so comforting? Look so soft? “I haven’t been ok for a while.” Rosie continues feeling that weight lift a little more. “But I think you knew that.”
Lisa nods. “Well I knew something was up that night I walked you home.” She takes a tiny sip of the beer. “I just didn’t know what it was and I also didn’t want to overstep.” Lisa continues. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you all night. And when Vince said you were off limits, it made me curious. So I texted him about you.” Rosie tenses. They talk about me? “Don’t worry, he didn’t say anything. And I didn’t ask anything personal about you.” Rosie relaxes. She can’t believe how lucky she is, finding these friends. “I just wanted to know if you were ok, that’s it. All he said is that you were cool and had been a fast friend for him but you just had been having a hard time and that I shouldn’t bother you.” Lisa moves into a different position on the couch, and crosses her legs. “I understood that, and I didn’t want to push your limits. And I really wasn’t going to push getting to know you. But then I saw you at the coffee shop, and I didn’t know what to do… When you asked me to sit. I remember what Vince said but you looked so…” Pathetic, she must mean pathetic. “Looked so welcoming and peaceful and I couldn’t just walk away. I didn’t want to walk away.” Rosie is stunned. “You were funny that day, even that night I walked you home, and I just didn’t want to let go of that. Thats why I asked him about you.” Lisa grabs Rosie’s hand and cradles it. “You don’t need to explain anything to me, you don’t. I just want to know if you are ok. I want you to know that if you want someone to talk to, that I am here.” Lisa uses her other hand to brush her hair out of her eyes. “If you want to talk it out, I’ll be there. And I know we haven’t known each other for a while, but I just feel this connection with you. Cheesy I know.”
That’s when Rosie realizes she’s crying. She isn’t sure when she started but she can feel the streaks on her face. She tries to pull her hand away, but Lisa doesn’t let her. Instead, Lisa pulls her into her arms, and Rosie finally lets everything out and full on cries. But it’s not the same as before. It’s not out of sadness, it’s more of relief. She is letting it all out and having someone to catch her instead of having to stew in her own thoughts. Instead of comforting herself. Instead of having to convince herself when she is her own judge. After the tears stop, Rosie tells Lisa everything. About Jennie, about the break up, the move, everything. And Lisa listens, the same way Vince did. But with Lisa it’s different and she’s not sure why. Lisa holds her at the perfect times, doesn’t talk unless it’s important and above all she listens and gives all of her attention to Rosie. And when she is done, Lisa pulls her into another hug. Doesn’t say anything but instead just hugs her and Rosie hugs back. Rosie feels… better and not in a way that she knows will fade. But she actually feels like that weight is gone and she feels… free. They sit there and its been several hours but no one makes a move to get up.
“Don’t ever feel like you can’t say anything to me ok.” Lisa says and Rosie pulls away and quirks her eyebrow. “I mean, if you feel something, like you saw something and it reminded you of you know… or if you want to get something off your chest, you just tell me. Text me, call me and I will listen. You don’t have to go through it alone.”
“Really?” Rosie whispers, and Lisa nods giving her a sincere smile.
“Its going to take time and patience, but I want you to be ok Rosie. Not for anyone else, but for you. And I will be there to help, if you want.”
Rosie thanks her by hugging her a little tighter then before.
—————
On the walk home, they holds hand and its because it was cold ok… and Rosie also justifies it with the fact that she cried so Lisa must want to comfort her. They hugged at Rosie’s door but everyones does that so… But she will admit that they maybe, they did hug a bit longer then normal and maybe she did hug a little too tight… But that’s neither here nor there.
—————
“You know I always thought that Jennie was too good for me.”
“Really?”
“I entered that relationship thinking that there had been some sort of mistake, but since I was there, I would work on proving that I was worth it.”
Rosie and Lisa decided to take a walk around the park one fall afternoon. Rosie had finished a project early and wanted to get fresh air.
“So you entered it in a negative mind set.”
“I don’t think it was negative, more of I was lucky to have been chosen.” Rosie counters. Rosie never thought of that as a negative trait. This is what love was for her, it was the luck of finding someone as good as Jennie, and she was never going to have a chance like that again - so she had to prove she was worth it.
“Not really, I mean think about it.” Lisa says as she stops to pick at the leaves hanging from a tree. “You thought that you weren’t worth it right from the start, so you were already setting yourself up to feel inferior. Like you had to prove something. Like you were nothing from the being.” Lisa starts to walk again with Rosie trailing behind her. “Did Jennie ever say that you weren’t worth it?”
“No, never.” Rosie says and its true Jennie never said that.
“See, you were always going to doubt yourself no matter what. I assume you probably second guessed everything in order to try to please her.”
Rosie looks up at the leaves and thinks. Yes, of course she did that. Rosie always did it with the intent to make Jennie happy no matter what. She never wanted Jennie to change her mind about picking Rosie, about realizing that it was a mistake.
“When you start something and you’re thinking you aren’t good enough you are always going to doubt your position. Always doubt your opinions.” They reach a park bench and take a seat. “From what you have told me, she had a little bit of a controlling personality and that’s obviously not good. But it also wasn’t good that you also thought she was better then you. When you think that, I bet you justified the controlling aspect as something acceptable, because in your mind she knew better and you went with it. Does that make sense?”
Rosie nods, because yes, that is exactly what happened. When Rosie did something Jennie didn’t like, Rosie immediately would change whatever it was to make Jennie happy. To make sure Jennie liked what ever she was doing. It didn’t matter what Rosie thought or how she felt, as long as it was ok with Jennie, that meant Jennie was happy and Rosie would be too.
“I guess, I never thought about it. I just was in that moment and nothing mattered.”
“Right, and honestly I am sure I could have worded that much better, so I am sorry for the word vomit. But I had that too, a while back and I was able to work through it. It’s not a rare problem Rosie, everyone goes through it.” Lisa says like she knew that Rosie would assume it’s a her problem. “You loved her, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Its just how the love evolved that was the issue. I am sure she has her version of it too but either way there was nothing wrong with loving her Rosie.” Lisa always knew how to make mistakes sound perfect, make it sound like it wasn’t a mess. “Now you just have to pick yourself back up and fix your heart.”
“You went through it too?” Rosie says and its unbelievable that Lisa of all people could have gone through a rough patch.
“Oh yea, and it was horrible.” Lisa says chuckling. “I mean I can laugh at it now, but man I was in it bad. I was miserable but I was so good at faking it. Faking it was a goal I set for myself. Fake it until you get home, where no one can see.” Lisa looks at Rosie with a sad smile, remembering her hard time. “I envy you there.”
“You envy me?” Rosie says surprised that anyone could say that to Rosie.
“Yes Rosie. You don’t fake it, I can tell right away that you’re upset. I mean yes, you didn’t say why you were upset, but I could tell you were regardless. You didn’t hide your emotions and you just let them be known.” Lisa shifts next to Rosie. “I woke up and put myself into a character that I would play all day, and fuck that was exhausting. And then the day came where I couldn’t pretend anymore. I was exhausted from faking, from lying, from making things up. And that’s when I hit rock bottom.”
“I didn’t know.” Rosie says. “Someone as upbeat and as great as you, went through that.”
“I could say the same about you. I can’t believe someone as kind and wonderful as you, went through that.” Lisa counters and she shoots Rosie that smile that melts her on the spot. They sit there and stare across the park. After a while Lisa speaks up again. “I think maybe therapy can help.” Lisa says and she reaches out for Rosies hand and intertwines it. “I am always going to be here to listen to you obviously, but just think about it ok?”
“Maybe you are right. The bandaid fix probably isn’t the way to go anymore.” Rosie scoots a little closer to Lisa. Once she is close enough, she rests her head on Lisa’s shoulder. They stay like that for a while watching the leaves blow in the wind.
“You are worth it Rosie.” Lisa quietly says and Rosie can feel Lisa’s lips on the top of her head. “You are so worth it. And I can tell you that a million times but it won’t matter unless you believe it. I want you to believe it. I want you to be able to see what I see.” She feels the gently kiss Lisa leaves on her head and Rosie savors it.
She wants to believe it too. Rosie wants to know that she is worth it. That day can’t come soon enough.
—————
It’s been a year and a half since the break up and honestly Rosie wouldn’t have noticed but Lisa had picked up the frame - like the frame- that was poking out of a box that Rosie took with her that day and it reminded her what day it was.
She is better, like 1000% better, and Rosie wants to thank Vince, her therapist and above all she wants to thank Lisa. On occasion she thinks of Jennie, but it doesn’t make her feel sad. Therapy had helped a lot, It had been a great decision, but the best decision Rosie had made was befriending Lisa.
How would Rosie describe Lisa? Lisa is… a fucking amazing person. She introduces Rosie to the coolest places and the coolest people. Lisa doesn’t make her feel lonely. Doesn’t control Rosie to think that she meets these people because of her. Rosie actually befriends Lisa’s friends and hangs out with them without Lisa being there. Rosie realized she was in love with Lisa about a month ago. It was actually her Therapist who pointed it out. The traitor.
She realized that falling in love with Lisa was gradual. It was soft but it was also had that exciting feeling of free falling into a pit of the unknown. Rosie didn’t know she could feel this again, so it was a shock to her and her therapist had to calm her down when she started to panic. Falling in love with Lisa was as natural as breathing. Lisa was a breath of fresh air. They tiptoed around each other, neither one wanting to say so. If Rosie was being honest, once she had accepted the fact that she was in love with Lisa, she realized that Lisa also loved her, but she wasn’t ready to acknowledge that. She wasn’t ready to say it out loud. Lisa also wasn’t going to make the first move, knowing that Rosie was dealing with a lot. So instead they showed each other how much they loved one another. Whether is was a dozen roses being sent to Lisa’s photoshoot because Rosie knew that Lisa loved being surprised. Or when Lisa showed up one evening at her house because Rosie had texted her that she wasn’t feeling well. Lisa arrived at her place cleaning and making sure that Rosie had everything she needed. Or the time that Rosie showed up to a shoot unannounced because Lisa had mentioned she hadn’t had time to grab lunch. So Rosie brought her a meal, and they proceed to have a photoshoot with each other then and there. Rosie even demanded that Lisa print and frame a picture of them together so she could hang up.
And so today, Lisa had been at her place and when she picked up that frame Rosie froze, completely forgetting that this was in that box to begin with.
“Have I told you, that you have an amazing smile.” Lisa commented as she looked at the picture of her and Jennie. “Like it’s really great, it makes me feel happy instantly.”
“Lisa I totally forgot-…” Shit.
“I am so lucky I get to see it in person you know.” Lisa sets the frame back in the box. Rosie isn’t really sure what to say, she just hopes this doesn’t ruin the night. Lisa walks over to her bag and pulls out a frame. “I brought this from that day. It’s the one you wanted right?”
“Yeah, this was my favorite one Lisa.” It a photo from the photoshoot and in the picture, Lisa is giving Rosie a kiss on her cheek and Rosie is smiling brightly into the camera. “Lisa I will get rid of that other photo, I just forgot…”
“Oh come on Rosie, it doesn’t bother me.” Lisa says rubbing at Rosie shoulders. “Its a beautiful picture of you guys, really.” Rosie’s stomach drops. “The smile in the picture is great but if I am honest… Like completely honest, I think the one you have now is different and so much better, see?” And Lisa pulls out another frame and it’s a picture of the two of them looking at each other with the biggest smile that Rosie has ever seen on her own face. “It just seems different.” And Rosie see’s that Lisa is right. In the other picture Rosie was smiling of course, but when she compares it to this one… its like the other Rosie is missing something. And this Rosie, the one in the picture with Lisa has truly found happiness. “Thankfully we took one together! I think I am biased but I think our smiles go perfectly together too.” And Rosie pulls Lisa into a hug. One that she tries to convey how much she truly loves Lisa and Lisa holds on like she understands the message.
When they pull away, Lisa wipes away the stray tears and talks about where to put these and how great they would look on Rosie’s bookshelf in the living room. Rosie truly loves this woman, she really does.
—————
After that, they start to flirt like crazy. Like that day in her apartment opened the door to flirty Rosie and flirty Lisa.
They had started to flirt here and there. Rosie however, did make one mistake and it was to suggest that Lisa could be into someone else, as a joke. A joke that Rosie thought was hilarious considering the girl was all over Lisa. They were out one night at Lisa’s favorite dance club, which according to Lisa, had the best dance music, and Rosie had step away for a quick restroom break. When she came back, she saw that this girl decided to be courageous and so she had approached Lisa. Rosie had noticed her before because she had been giving Lisa heart eyes all night, not that Rosie was keeping track or anything. She was all flirty touches and heart signals and god, Rosie could vomit then and there. But she pushed it down and walked up to Lisa. Lisa had always been polite to reject others, something Rosie loved about her but tonight it irked her and Rosie wasn’t sure why it bothered her tonight of all nights. Once Lisa let the girl down, the girl said sorry and off she went no scene, no trouble.
“She’s cute, she’s your type no?” Rosie feels Lisa stiffen and Rosie thought of it as a joke to lighten her own mood of being… jealous.
“Uh no, she’s not.” Lisa clearly doesn’t think it’s funny, if her face is any sign. And Rosie feels the nervous shift in her stomach and she thinks she’s fucked this up.
“Lisa it was just a joke, sorry I-…”
“I actually asked her if she knew of a girl with pink and has an obsession with Disney movies.” Lisa clearly states and she reaches out to twirl the loose strands of Rosie’s hair. “She also has to have this smile that could light up the sky too and goes perfectly with my smile.” And Rosie giggles, her moment of panic is over when she thought she had upset Lisa. “She said no - she knew no one like that. I wonder if I’ll ever find them.” Lisa giggles now too and Rosie shoves her playfully. They leave the club to skip their way through a nearby park, the girl and joke forgotten, and Rosie really is a dummy.
So it actually hits her that they were more than just friends - apparently not clear to Rosie before. When they went out, they clung to each other. They only held hands with each other, hug and danced with only one another and often times all they did was stare at each other like they were the only ones in the room. Their friends often made fun of them and they even were invited to several couple dates since they were always stuck to one another.
Rosie really loved Lisa. Now she just had to tell her.
—————
They had decided to go to Vince’s bar again in celebration of their friends birthday. Lisa had shown up to Rosie’s house and they walked hand in hand to Vince’s bar. They arrived and immediately Vince gushed about how the two looked so good together. Both Lisa and Rosie blushed, no longer denying anything. They walked up to the bar and Rosie slid her arms around Lisa and rested her head on her shoulder, like they normally do. There was no label said out loud, but they both knew it was there.
“Seems as though you got yourself someone new huh Rosie?” Again? Seriously. Rosie lifts her head and turns back to see that Jennie is standing behind them with her arms crossed. Jennie is wearing her signature scowl and Lisa turns around too and smoothly throws her arm around Rosie’s waist. Rosie doesn’t feel panicked nor scared she feels… good. This time around, it’s natural. Not an attempt to just save Rosie, but instead to send a clear message.
“Sorry, but who is this Rosie?” Lisa says ignoring Jennie’s comment and pulling Rosie is a little tighter. Lisa clearly knows who this is, but it the simple fact that Lisa wouldn’t remember Jennie, that makes Jennie frown further and Rosie may or may not be smiling… just a tad.
“Oh babe, this is Jennie.” Rosie says, and she hears Lisa give a slight gasp, only for Rosie to hear, since this is the first time that Rosie calls Lisa babe. “You don’t remember, but you meet her months ago her for a couple seconds.” Rosie fails to mention that they have in fact talked about Jennie since then, but she really wants Jennie to know that she no longer occupies Rosie’s mind the way she used too.
“Oh right sure. Nice to meet you. Are you a friend of Rosie’s then?” Rosie wants to laugh, because of course Lisa would rub it in even more, the fact that she doesn’t know who she is. And Rosie does laugh.
“No silly.” Rosie playful pushes Lisa and Lisa giggles. She quickly moves back and snuggles further into Rosie. They are still not acting at this point, since they actually do interact with each other like this. “She’s my ex.” Rosie says.
“Oh really?” Lisa says and her eyes widen and damn it, Lisa is so believable that Rosie thinks she deserves an Oscar. “Weird, I didn’t think anyone could actually resist you, I know you are all I think about.” Rosie lets out the dorkiest laugh, and she swears it’s now 1000 degrees in the bar so she knows she’s blushing hard. Lisa always says the cheesiest things, but Rosie loves it. Loves her. “You are just the cutest Rosie.” Rosie blushes harder and actually forgets that Jennie is probably starting at them with murder in her eyes.
Jennie clears her throat. “Rosie, can I talk to you?” Jennie says not even looking at Lisa anymore. She’s pissed but Rosie can’t find it in her to care.
“What about?” Rosie says, toying with Jennie just a little longer. Lisa is now playing with Rosie’s hair, clearly also staying as long as Rosie needs her too.
“In Private.” Jennie shoots back losing even more patience. Rosie realizes she should probably get this over with.
“Baby, I will be right back ok. Just going to talk to Jennie here for a second.” Rosie says in the cutest voice, that she knows Lisa loves.
“Ok, don’t take too long ” Lisa retorts, understanding that this has to happen. She takes off that spiked jacket that Rosie loves so much, and places it around Rosie’s shoulders. “I miss you already.” Lisa says and plants a kiss to Rosie’s cheek and stays there a little longer than normal, even for them. “It was nice to meet you… Jen.” Lisa says, and Rosie knows that Lisa is really pushing it but damn she really does know how to make Rosie laugh.
“Its Jennie.”
“Sure, fine.” And Lisa walks away not even throwing a look to Jennie but instead walks away looking at Rosie and occasionally bumps into a table or two since she won’t take her eyes off her.
“Lets go outside.” Jennie says and Rosie barely hears her because she is also looking at Lisa, and fuck, does she love that girl.
They head outside and slip round the corner to the alley for privacy. It’s a little windy so Rosie pulls the jacket tighter around her body, comforted with the scent of Lisa.
“Rosie what the hell was that?” Is the first thing Jennie says. Rosie isn’t surprised that Jennie just gets straight to the point, but why the hell does she look like a kicked puppy?
“What do you mean?” Rosie says, clearly not understanding what Jennie’s problem is. “Wait, are you jealous?” Rosie says. Sure, she knows that Jennie has a possessive trait, but was she actually sad about this? When Jennie, doesn’t say anything, Rosie is dumbfounded. “Are you serious?”
It was rare for Jennie to ever show any kind of emotion and when she did she meant it. Upset Jennie, meant that something really had struck a chord and Rosie wasn’t sure why she felt bad.
“Of course I am Rosie. You were all over each other.” Jennies says and she looks at Rosie with the saddest eyes. “The first time I saw you guys, I knew it was nothing. But now… The look on your face and her face, and your body language it’s all different from the first time.” Rosie knows what Jennie is saying. She is right, it’s all different now. “I know because you used to look at me like that.” Jennie crosses her arms and continues. “I used to think that I would be the only one that would get that smile. I would be the only one that knew who you were, and I would be the only one that got your attention.” This isn’t fair, that Jennie could just say things like that and not think about what it means. “You were mine, and no one else’s Rosie. And now, you are with her and…”
“Are you fucking serious?” Rosie says and Jennie is shocked that Rosie cut her off. Rosie has had enough. “ Who the fuck are you? How dare you come here and make me feel like I have done something bad.” Rosie spits out. “I don’t know if you remember, but you left me remember. You told me that you didn’t love me. You just up and left and that was it.” Rosie says and she angry. “And now you’re here, making me feel wrong for loving again? For putting myself back together.”
“You love her Rosie?” Jennie says, and takes a step closer. Any other time in the past, Rosie would step back and give Jennie the floor but not now, so she stands a little straighter. “Then tell me you love her Rosie. Tell me you love her the way you loved me.” Rosie thinks on this, and she can’t really say that she loves Lisa the way she loved Jennie. Theres no way there’s even a competition.
“I don’t love her the way I loved you.” Rosie says looking down at her hands. She takes a deep breath in and it gives her the courage to look up and right into Jennie’s eyes. “Loving you was everything for me. Loving you made me feel like I had done the right thing, that I had found the thing that I was missing. Loving you made me feel complete.” Jennie smiles thinking that she’s hooked Rosie back into her web. “Loving you left me broken. Loving you made me sick. Loving you killed a part of me that I thought I would never get back.” Jennie’s smile falters at this, not expecting the turn. “But loving Lisa… loving Lisa is nothing like loving you.” Rosie feels a smile and feels her heart pick up pace. “Loving Lisa is easy, it requires no effort. It makes me feel free and not indebted to her. I don’t need her to feel complete because she doesn’t make me feel like my life revolves around her. Her love, doesn’t make me feel bad or not worthy of her love. It lifts me up, it encourages me and we encourage each other, lift each other up.” Rosie feels happy, no longer angry. “I was obsessed with you, obsessed with making you happy, thinking that if I made you happy then that meant I was happy, that I was worth it. But that wasn’t the case. I see that now.” Rosie breathes out but there’s no venom in her words, no resentment. “I was too busy focused on you and what I thought you did for me. What I thought you brought into our relationship and I tried to pay you back for it. But that’s not what love is about. It shouldn’t make you feel less then.”
Rosie finishes and she looks at Jennie and for the first time in her life she sees Jennie in a different light. This wasn’t Jennie’s fault alone. She can see the realization in Jennies eyes of what their ‘love’ did to one another. “We did this to each other. Now,” Rosie says placing both of her hands on Jennies shoulders. “I am not saying that what you didn’t wasn’t your fault. Come on, lets be real, that was kinda shitty.” Jennie nods and Rosie can see the tears in her eyes. “But we both were looking for each other to fix something in our selves. I was looking for you to validate me, and I think you wanted me to validate you to by having my whole life revolve around you. We wanted to validate that we were enough. And in the end, we destroyed each other.” Jennie lunges at Rosie for a hug and Rosie returns it. She can feel Jennie shake in her arms as she cries. Rosie feels like Jennie could be letting go of it too, the hurt. Jennie must of been hurt too. In the end, this was a toxic love, one that consumed them and not in a good way.
“I am so sorry Rosie.” Jennies muffles out. After her cries have subsided.
“I am sorry too.”
“That was such a shitty thing to say to you, and I won’t ever forgive myself for doing that to you. For hurting you the way that I did.”
“Well I forgive you Jennie.” Rosie says. Rosie is tired of the grudges. Tired of the emotional toll that it took on her to hate Jennie. To feel sad because of Jennie. Whats done is done, they need to accept that it happened and realize their mistakes. “I am just so tired of this holding me back, of this defining me.” She holds Jennie a little tighter. “I am tired of being stuck on you. It took time but I found out that it wasn’t just you but it was me too. So it took time and some professional help but now I do forgive you Jennie.” They stay like that a little longer and finally they pull away from each other.
“I don’t know if I have it in me to forgive myself just yet, considering I now realize how messed up I was. But I do know this.” Jennie says wiping away the last few tears. “You need to go back in there and you tell her you love her Rosie. I can see she loves you so much.”
“Yeah, I just haven’t found the right time yet.” Rosie rubs the back of her neck and Jennie chuckles.
“Well, I better leave. Again sorry for ruining your night… and sorry for everything.” Jennie says grabbing Rosie’s hand and giving it a finally squeeze.
“You didn’t, it’s fine. We really did need that.” Rosie squeezes back. “I’ll be seeing you around?”
“Maybe… maybe when I finally work on myself too.” Jennie steps back and walks away from Rosie. As she turns the corner, she gives Rosie one more look and throws her that gummy smile and she’s gone.
Rosie feels good. Rosie feels better than before. Rosie always thought she would hold this grudge against Jennie, that she would always be mad at Jennie. But she realizes that isn’t the case. Rosie accepted that in Therapy and it was nice to see that it was true in person. She starts to walk back out of the alley to head back inside. When she turns the corner, she see’s Lisa pacing in front of the bar. Lisa looks up and looks relived to see Rosie.
“Are you ok? Did she upset you?” Lisa says pulling Rosie into a hug and pulling quickly away. “She was smiling when she left, and all she said to me was ‘thank you’. What happened?” Rosie chuckles and grabs her hands.
“Slow down Lisa, everything is fine. Want go inside and grab a drink?” Rosie says ignoring everything else. Lisa looks surprised that Rosie seems… fine?
“Yeah, sure that’s fine.”
“Come on then babe.” Rosie says laughing a little too loudly when Lisa blushes and she drags her inside.
—————
They are sitting on the rooftop, being the last two left now that everyone else had dispersed. Everyone had gone home for the night, and Vince had to clean up and close up the bar. He let Lisa and Rosie stay and would let them know once he was ready to leave.
They had a great night, after Rosie reassured Lisa several times that yes, she was in fact fine. They danced and celebrated their friends birthday. Rosie even made friends with a couple and asked them to join their fun. Throughout the night, Rosie made sure to snuggle a bit closer with Lisa. She made sure to clingy a little harder when Lisa opened her arms to grab her. She made sure to dance a little harder against Lisa. And if Lisa seemed to breath a little harder after that, Rosie didn’t comment. She didn’t comment on the change in her eyes when it happened either.
They were sitting on the floor, even after the sofa was unoccupied. They didn’t want to leave their little bubble that they had created. The night was so just wonderful, so beautiful and when she looked over at Lisa she felt so happy. They were sitting back to front, with Rosie in front. Lisa’s head rested on Rosie’s shoulder, while her arms wrapped around her body. Rosie thinks back to the first time Lisa brought her up here. How different it feels. Who she is, is different and just the atmosphere of them together is different. Nows a good time as any…
“When I was younger, my mom said that I cried too much.” Lisa snickers and Rosie shushes her giving her a quick pout. “She said that I was too emotional and that I cried over everything.” Rosie laughs too, as she remembers her childhood. “I once cried when a boy pushed me down and took my peach.” Lisa gasps. “I also cried because Ariel's collection was destroyed in the Little Mermaid.”
“Of course you did.” Lisa murmurs.
“And when my first boyfriend broke up with me, I was a crying mess. And my mother, the saint that she is, comforted me and told me boys were stupid anyway. And that she didn’t like him because his hair was thinning out and really, he had done me a favor.” Lisa laughs out loud at this.
“Your mom sounds funny.”
“She is.” Rosie says but Rosie continues. “That night, when my mom thought I had finally gone to sleep, I heard her say something to my dad.” Rosie remembers that night clearly. She always thought about it in the middle of the night, and even more so when Jennie broke up with her. “She told him, that she hoped that I would never fall in love.”
“Really?” Lisa says moving to get Rosie to look at her.
“Yeah, it’s true.” Rosie chuckles, because now she can laugh at it. “When I first heard that, I thought that was such a mean thing to say, considering the fact that she knew I was in love with the idea of love.” Rosie picks at the loose strings of the blanket. “But then she told my dad, she couldn’t stand to see me upset. That if I was that upset over a stupid boy now - whom I clearly didn’t love - her heart wouldn’t be able to stand it if I ever fell in love and it ended badly.” Lisa nods, understanding that all her parents wanted to do was protect her. “So when she found out about what happened with Jennie, she called me every hour of the day.” Rosie laughs, she can look back and it doesn’t hurt anymore. “They are so far, but my mom always knew what to say but she knew I was hurting and that hurt her the most.” Rosie turns and looks at Lisa face to face. “She couldn’t prevent the heartache and god had I wished she could.” Rosie grabs Lisa’s hands and laces their fingers together. “All my life, I was told that I felt too much, that I loved too hard. And in the end it would only hurt me.” Lisa squeezes back. “That no matter what, there would be no one who could put up with me and my emotions.” Lisa opens her month to say something but Rosie shakes her head and continues. “After Jennie, I finally thought that they were right, that in the end I would only hurt myself. That no matter what, no one was going to put up with someone like me.” Rosie smiles now and Lisa must think she is crazy. Rosie feels her eyes water but she pushes through. “But you came into my life, when I didn’t know someone like you existed. You came into my life, and saved me from my self. Never once, did you make me feel like I owed you for anything.” Lisa stares at Rosie in such awe and Rosie’s sure that Lisa knows what Rosie is going to say but doesn’t interrupt her. “You make me feel like this world isn’t as cruel as I thought it was. You made me realize that what people pointed out as my flaws, aren’t actual flaws. You remind me that there’s nothing to be embarrassed about if this is who I am and how I show my emotion. Never once did you make me feel like I was never enough. Never once did you make me feel small.” Rosie thanks the heavens that she is not ugly crying. “I love you Lisa. More than you will ever know and I was scared but I am not anymore. I haven’t been for a while, and I have loved you for a while. I just was trying to find the right way to say it.” Rosie doesn’t get to ask Lisa if she feels the same way. She still has to ask, she can’t assume. She doesn’t get to see the look on Lisa’s face once she’s said it because Lisa leans in and places the softest kiss on Rosie’s lips. Even though its soft, it feels like nothing she’s experience before. Rosie sighs into the kiss. When they finally pull apart, their heavy breathing is the only sound that surrounds them. They are resting their foreheads together both with their eyes closed.
“Do you see it then?” Lisa whispers. Rosie thinks on what she could be referring too. When she doesn’t move or say anything, Lisa speaks again. “Do you see that you are always worth it?”
Rosie could cry again from just pure happiness. “Yes.” Lisa gives her another peck.
“I love you too, Rosie. I love you so much.” Lisa says and in return Rosie gives her the biggest smile she ever has. Lisa smiles too and they giggle into the night like fools but it doesn’t matter to them.
—————
Later that night, when Rosie watches Lisa fall asleep as she lays in her arms, she’ll tell herself that she wouldn’t change anything about the past. Not the hurt, the sadness, and not the loneliness. She found people like Vince and Lisa. Lisa coming into her life at the perfect time.
Rosie throws away that sad Christmas picture because what’s the point of holding on to it when she knows what true happiness is.