i stand in front of the mirror of the school bathroom, making sure every little thing is perfect. that every single strand is perfectly put into place. that my skin is clear. that my eye makeup isn't running from crying in the bathroom stall just now.
exams are coming up, and then it's time to go home to my family for the holidays. all i have to do is ace my exams, then maybe they'll be happy with me again, or at least that's what i've told myself for the past few years. however, it never seems to do.
i collect myself and make my way to my locker. i try to clear my mind and focus only on retrieving my textbooks from my locker.
but then there she comes.
"hey, annie." she says with that warm, welcoming smile of hers, but it soon drops as her eyes, pools of blue, fill with concern, "are you okay?"
i scoff, "yeah, britta, i'm perfectly okay. why, do i not look okay?"
"no, you just seem a little off. i know you've been so stressed lately."
i shrug my shoulders, "well, yeah, but it's okay."
she steps closer, putting her soft hand on my shoulder, "okay, well i'm here for you, okay?"
i force a smile and nod, "okay. thanks, britta."
she smiles back, "anytime."
she makes her way to the study room, but i stay back for a minute to double check that i have everything i need, but also to try to convince my heart to stop racing in my chest. however, it doesn't. it never seems to.
when i walk in the study room i give my normal chipper hello, but avoid making eye contact with anyone, especially britta.
i stay quiet the entire time, and no one really seems to notice, or so i thought.
after we're done i began getting ready to leave, but britta stops me.
"hey, let's hang out tonight. i wanna try to cheer you up."
i force a smile, "i'd love to hang out with you tonight, but i am fine, britta."
she shrugs, "okay, then let's just hang out just because."
"okay, sounds great."
•
"i thought this would help you relax a bit." britta says as she walks into my apartment, waving the wine bottle in her hand.
i laugh a bit, "really, wine? i would have expected you to go with something stronger."
she shrugs, "well usually, yeah, but you're not the hard-drinking type. this'll just take the edge off."
we settle in on my bedroom floor with the bottle and two glasses. she immediately takes a sip, but i'm more hesitant, mostly because i'm too busy admiring her.
she looks my way, i look away and take a sip.
"hey, can you please tell me what's going on with me? i wanna help." she says, setting down her glass and putting her hand on mine to get my attention.
i guess she doesn't know that she always has my attention.
i pull my hand away and shrug, "i already told told you, i'm stressed about finals."
"but finals are over, annie."
darn, they are. i've gotta think of a new excuse. that's all my life is, constantly thinking of new excuses to hide the way i feel.
"well, yeah, but i still have to go home to see my family."
"annie, if they're causing you that much stress then don't go. or, as a psychology student, i could go with you and do a family therapy type thing."
oh yeah, that would be smart: bringing the girl i have a crush on home to my bigoted family.
i take a sip and dismiss that thought. i don't have a crush on britta because i don't like girls. sure, something about her is pulling me in, but it's completely platonic.
"i'm fine, britta." i lie once again.
"come on, please let me help you." she says, a pleading in her tone.
"you're not a fucking therapist, britta!" i exclaim.
she just looks at me, taken aback by my outburst. quite honestly i am too.
"britta, i'm..."
"no," she dismisses me, "you're right, i'm not a therapist, but i am your friend, and i care about you."
would she still care about me the same if she knew everything going on with me?
i swallow down the rest of the wine in my glass and pour another.
we both sit in silence, drinking our wine. i soon finish that glass.
"wow, look at you go." britta says as i pour another one.
"yeah, getting wine drunk like a fucking soccer mom. college is supposed to be when you're getting hammered, but not for me, not for little miss perfect." i say, mocking myself.
"hey, getting drunk doesn't make you suddenly not perfect, because you are perfect annie."
i shake my head, "you don't even know the half of it, so just leave it alone. it's fine."
"no, annie, please tell me. i've been begging you to tell me all fucking night." she pleads once more.
"fine, you wanna know?" i give in, "i try keep it all straight. straight A's, straight hair, straight forward. but i can't keep myself straight."
she raises as eyebrow, "annie, what do you mean?
i saw your grades, they're all A's. what could be possibly wrong with you that's worth beating yourself up life this?"
i start to argue back, but then i looked into those crystal blue eyes of hers, and feel oddly safe.
i take a big swig out of my glass and confess.
"i think i have it all straightened out, but then a pretty girl walks by my locker and my heart won't stop fluttering. i can't keep me straight, britta."
she sits there for a second, probably stunned, but then she speaks up, "so, you like girls? that's okay, annie."
"but if my parents found out..."
"fuck your parents!" she interrupts, "fuck them, you don't need them, annie. you've got the group, we've got you."
"but what if they're not okay with it?"
"then you have me. you will always have me." she says, putting her hand on mine.
"but, britta..."
"but nothing! i've got you no matter what."
i can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. i try to fight them, but i can't seem to.
britta's look of optimism fades away into a look of concern, "please don't cry. i promise it's okay."
she begins gently wiping my tears.
"would you still think that if i told you that you're the pretty girl who walks by my locker?" i ask softly.
she stops wiping my tears, and my heart sinks. i think i've said too much.
but then she puts her lips on mine.
she kisses me and it's perfect, just how i've imagined, in all of my greatest, wildest dreams. after a few seconds she pulls away, a smile spreading across her soft lips.
"yes, especially if you told me that. i promise, i've got you, okay?" she whispers softly.
i smile and whisper back, "i've got you, too."
"you are so perfect, annie. so, so perfect."
she wraps me into a hug, and for the first time in what feels like years, i feel calm.