Holiday Hiccup
Tears had been rolling down her cheeks all the way back home, her forehead rested against the window of the carriage and her hands were clutched together hard. She had stayed two days, but Mariana had eventually got on her last nerve. And it hurt, the words she had spoken hurt, but not so much as the fact that Anne hadn’t commiserated on her behalf, she had just sat there and let it happen. Ann reckoned it had to do with not wanting to fall out with her old friend but still, she should’ve said something that would’ve made Ann feel less of a nuisance and a freak.
Ann took deep calming breaths when they stopped in front of the house, before she was handed out by William, and she walked slowly to the door and was let in by Joseph who had heard her coming,
“Miss Walker, are you all right?” Mrs Cordingley asked popping her head out of the kitchen,
“Only we did not expect you back so soon. Is Miss Lister not with you?”
Ann forced a smile, but it looked more like a grimace,
“I am well, and sorry to be here earlier than expected, but I had to leave, go back home, I…” she stopped herself she should not be blurting her heart out at poor Mrs. Cordingley.
“I see, do you need any help changing your attire? Or do you need anything else Miss?”
“Um… I would like to get changed and have a bath.” she answered, and Mrs. Cordingley nodded,
“We will ready a bath for you immediately, Miss Walker!”
“Excellent, thank you very much.” Ann said politely and went up the stairs, slowly, scolding herself; who changes their attire before a bath? – Surely, they must all laugh behind her back. Stupid little Miss Walker who can’t speak eloquently under any form of pressure, not even to the servants. Memories from yester-evening flashed before her eyes and she blinked away the tears that burned behind them.
She didn’t bump into anyone on her way up, wondering where they had all gone. But decided she wouldn’t go look; she had no want to talk to anyone at present. As she passed Anne’s study, she was filled with an impetuous want to enter and burn all her stupid fucking journals – burn her dumb treasure chests and make a proper mess. Obviously, she wouldn’t, never, but the thought still lingered, and she wondered what she, Anne, would’ve done if she came home to find all things burnt. Ann felt a twinge in her heart, she could never do that to Anne. It was just an angry unjust thought that deserved little acknowledgement.
The bath was well received, and Ann sunk into the water and closed her tired, sore eyes, after being left alone in the room. The water relaxed her, and she scrubbed herself with the soap, and she sank deeper into the water, drenching her hair, sighing loudly, what if it were true? She was just a stand-in, the cheap, no-good actress that only took on the role because the real star couldn’t make it to the show. A tear rolled down her cheek, and she stopped a sob from escaping though her chest clenched tightly – was it true? – After all, here she was, all alone, left to her own means when something else was offered to Anne.
All of a sudden, she felt something on her neck, and she screamed startled,
“Oh Christ!”
“Not quite, it’s Marian.” She heard Marian’s warm voice behind her.
“Oh… hi.” Ann blushed because she had yelled and then became very aware of how little she was wearing and even though she was well under the water, it still made her cheeks grow warm with embarrassment,
“Do you need any help?” Marian offered kindly,
“W-Would you hand me my robe?” Ann asked nervous, and she nodded and fetched the robe and gave it to her, turning around to give her privacy as she stood in the tub and quickly wrapped herself in the robe, before stepping out on the oak boards.
“I did not expect you to be at home.” Marian admitted as Ann sat down to braid her blonde hair,
“I did not think you at home either or I would’ve announced my being here.” She answered and Ann cursed her hoarse voice, because Marian eyed her more intently,
“Have you been crying?” she asked carefully when she noticed the redness of her eyes.
“It is really nothing.” Ann brushed it off and smiled, though it was more of a grimace.
“Are you sure? I do not mean to pry, but might it have something to do with the fact that you came back home without my sister?” Marian frowned leaning towards her to show her sympathy.
“Well… it’s… complicated.” Ann managed to croak, as she felt tears burn behind her eyelids again – feeling rather pathetic.
“What did Anne do this time?” Marian asked, sounding so overly done with her sister that it was almost comical, and Ann would’ve laughed if she hadn’t felt so depressed.
“I think I just overreacted… I just felt so out of place, and like such a nuisance.” Ann mumbled, afraid that Marian might agree that she was.
“But it hurt you Ann, and I suspect it weren’t an overreaction. Mariana and Anne… well they have known each other for twenty years, more than. And Mariana is a right down… well she can be quite mean and difficult. What happened?” Marian said, taking hold of Ann’s cold hand, trying to make her feel better, gazing at her with a look of almost sisterly affection.
“It was more like a series of things…” Ann began quietly,
“Did she constantly have a go at you?” Marian wondered, and Ann nodded, her eyelashes wet.
“Yes, um, she went on about things of the past, and how I wouldn’t understand, and then said something about me being mentally unwell, and she seemed to have been under the impression that I was stupid, which she more or less said. Then she implied that I must make such a disappointment of a companion for Anne and…” Ann trailed off, she was crying now, hot tears coated her cheeks and Marian carefully stroke her back. The door opened to reveal Aunt Anne, who was shocked and troubled at the sight of Ann crying on the chair.
“Dear child, what happened!? Where’s Anne?”
“Anne has upset Miss Walker, our Ann, so much so that she felt the need to leave.” Marian revealed to her aunt who gasped,
“Ah! No. I told her, I told her it would be a bad idea to go there – and just before Christmas too.”
“It’s fine. No really. It’s my fault, and I should leave. Yes, I will have my things packed and move back to Crow Nest. It’s the… I don’t want to disrupt anything…um, I will leave.” Ann’s voice barely carried the words, but nevertheless she got them out and both Marian and Aunt Anne looked absolutely stunned and they both shook their heads decisively,
“You cannot possibly mean that you will leave Shibden?” Aunt Anne inquired slowly, softly, reaching out for the other hand of the young woman.
“Oh, but that is just what I intend to do, I hate her! - I never want to see her again.” Ann said as firmly as she could, but the tears came anew anyway, because she could never hate Anne not even when she wanted too, not even in the slightest.
“Now Ann Walker, where have all your sense gone?” Aunt Anne eyed her sharply,
“Ann, you are the brightest person in this room, and at times even the most sensible, but at this moment I must ask you to see sense, because this is ridiculous! - Mariana is an old, young… ah she’s a hag, and you shall think no more of her misused words and nonsense. Anne couldn’t have possibly agreed to any of her assumptions. She adores you!”
“She did…” Ann mumbled, looking down at her feet unable to meet their eyes.
“What?!” Aunt Anne asked shocked, when she saw her niece, she would give her the beratement of the century. How could anyone hurt such a sweet thing as Ann Walker?
“Well, she implied it.”
“What on earth did our Anne say?” Aunt Anne furrowed her brows, looking with great sympathy at the devastated woman on the chair.
“It was more that she said nothing at all. She just let her say all those things and didn’t really dispute it, which must mean that she thinks them too. And I’m not going to force her to keep me here if I am so dull, stupid and mentally…, if I’m somehow holding her back.” Ann said her voice brittle and Aunt Anne frowned compassionately, kissing her knuckles, in a way that reminded Ann of her deceased mother,
“You are not dull, or stupid or… mentally disturbed. You are a wonderful young woman with many talents. Holding our Anne back!? I’d like to see anyone try. He, but I don’t think you are either. I haven’t seen our Anne as happy and content as she’s been whilst you have lived with us ever before.”
“But she hates me and repulses me now.”
“Has she told you so?” Marian asked, her voice upset, her sister was not about to get away with hurting Ann Walker, she had become so fond of the woman and really saw her as more of a sister than a friend.
“Well not in words. But she’s not here, right?”
“Miss Walker, have you ever drawn a battle plan?” Aunt Anne asked her suddenly, with a cheeky smile,
“Wha… we, I… of course not.” Ann stuttered confused, finally looking up again.
“A plan of revenge so to speak.” Marian explained her aunt’s meaning,
“I might have as a child.” Ann admitted, remembering pranks she’d do with her brother to their sister and parents.
“What say you about drawing one up and teaching ‘Her majesty’ a lesson?” Marian asked grinning.
“Oh, do go on Miss Walker – it’ll be hilarious!” Aunt Anne said excitedly, clapping her hands together.
“It might be something I’d enjoy doing.” Ann smiled, her tears finally subsiding, much to the delight of the other women.
“Yes, this is going to be… great. And oh, before I forget, just so you know, you aren’t just dear to Anne, you are dear to all of us, so leaving isn’t an option. Families stick together!” Marian winked and Ann laughed though she all but cried again – touched by her words.
“Let’s go downstairs, take tea and draw our battle plan.” Aunt Anne decided, and Ann smiled, letting the other women go ahead whilst she called on her lady’s maid to get dressed properly before going downstairs.
Dinner the next evening was served at six o’clock on the dot, and they were already sitting down when Anne arrived back home.
“The roads were a terror with all the snow coming down…” Anne brushed the snow off from herself, looking to give her coat and hat to Joseph but he was nowhere to be seen so she hung it over the reeling, before facing her family again, walking into the dining room,
“Already eating? I thought you would wait for me… I told you I would be back in time for dinner.”
Her family said nothing, didn’t even acknowledge her arrival. Not even her aunt who usually were thrilled to see her again, said anything, they just continued to eat. Anne sat down a little bewildered but decided to say naught about it. At least Marian hadn’t remarked on all the snow and mud she had dragged into the house.
Not one of their servants in the room fetched her a plate, and when she requested it, it was as if she spoke to a wall. Aunt Anne, Marian and Ann talked with each other as if she was not there, whilst her father sat dozing in his chair. And when they asked for more bread to the table, they were immediately obliged and was served most eagerly. Anne looked between them all, before sighing, and getting her plate by herself.
“Why are you all giving me the silent treatment?” Anne asked as she sat down again but was once again not heeded at all. Not even an eyelid batted her way.
“I demand to be listened to in my own house! This is ridiculous. Speak to me- now!” Anne was losing her temper, her knuckles turning white as she clutched her knife, but nothing. Marian whispered something to Ann which made her laugh and when Anne asked what was so funny, they didn’t pay her any attention.
“It is awful quiet today isn’t it?” Marian mused, and Aunt Anne looked at her,
“I suppose it is. It is not often we have such a quiet and nice table. I wonder why that is…”
“Oh you are hilarious… I know you are all just pretending I’m not here.” Anne barked, but again – no reaction.
“We never used to have such a lovely meal the days prior to Christmas, or maybe we did. I don’t remember having such a nice time for years.” Ann told them, and Aunt Anne gave a joyful cry,
“Believe you me, Ann, you have put a spark to this whole household. I cannot remember myself when we last had such a nice table.”
“Will you pass me the salt?” Anne asked Ann but was given no answer or indication that she had been heard- that was the last straw for Anne, she stood up and threw her napkin on the table infuriated.
“That’s it. I’m off.” She stalked off from the table, but nobody looked after her or said a thing, they just continued talking like she hadn’t just caused a scene.
Anne met Mrs Cordingley in the hallway, and she did not hesitate to ask her about it, but she just stared at her with so cold a gaze that she was taken aback, and was left confused in the halls, where she was also sure Hemingway had thrown her dirty looks behind her back.
Anne shrugged this feeling off, refused to take part in any Christmas games in the sitting room – not that anyone asked her, talked to her or pretended to see her. But when preparing for bed that evening, calling for Eugénie, this all came back when she very harshly helped her, saying not a word, and looking as revolted as one could be by someone. Anne tried to make Eugénie talk or berate her when she ‘accidently’ hurt her skull whilst pulling out the hairpins. But the woman said not a word, didn’t look her in the eye, only did her job very quickly, before getting out of the way and out of sight again.
When Ann did not come to bed for the night Anne went looking for her. Thinking that perhaps she would talk to her – tell her what the hell was going on with everyone.
She found her in the sitting room by the dying fire, sketching in her sketchpad, looking very beautiful in the dim light with her hair hanging over her shoulder in a braid.
Anne stood for a second, feeling that her mouth had gone dry, touching her lips with her hand in a nervous tic,
“Ann.” She called, but Ann didn’t reply, she merely sketched a little harsher, frowning down at the paper to concentrate on it and block Anne out.
“What’s wrong? What?! Ann!” Anne yelled, annoyed to lengths by everyone’s silence, Ann flinched a little at her yell, and Anne felt a tug at her heart – not the reaction she wanted that to elicit.
“Is something wrong?” Anne tried softer, reeling in her emotions, but was still granted no answer,
“Did someone do something?”
No reply.
“Did I do something?” Anne asked at last and she could see Ann’s hand grip tighter around the pen as her blue eyes finally raised from the paper to meet hers, and they were sparking with anger and her expression was thunderous,
“Did I do something?” Ann mimicked in a mocking tone, before returning to her sketch, angrily marking the paper. Anne’s first thought was to be mad, but then she remembered what a total arse she had been and all because she didn’t want to fall out with an old friend. She shouldn’t have stayed. She should’ve left immediately – run after her, but she didn’t because she had been blinded by her anger and pride. Anne knew how much Ann disliked being on her own – sleeping alone, and in the light of the fire she saw the dark circles more prominent under the blonde’s eyes. Anne was a horrible human being. Why on earth had she stayed? She hadn’t been indiscreet with Mariana – not ever again. But why had she stayed when the most important person in the world had ran away, and why hadn’t she called Mariana out whilst Ann still could hear it. Because she had. They had argued all evening, and the next morning. Anne had yelled and berated Mariana for everything she had said and implied.
Recalling all which she had done, she felt worse than ever,
“Adney… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let her talk to you that way. I, I should have come after immediately, but I was hurt – my ego was hurt. I love you with all my heart, all my being. And regarding Mary I do agree with you, I am scared, was. Because she is, in a way all I have left from the time when Sam still… and she is one of the only friends I have left from that time, who knew me then, and who I went to school with, and I didn’t want to fall out with her. But I am thoroughly ashamed of how I acted; it doesn’t excuse my behaviour but that is my explanation. I did tell her that if she wants to have any sort of relation, she had to accept you and if I ever heard an ill word about you again, I would put an end to our friendship.” Anne told her, rambling, fidgeting, starting to fear that it was too late – that Ann already resented her too much to forgive her folly and stupidity.
Ann looked at her reluctantly, at last deciding to say something;
“I was hurt. You hurt me.”
and Anne nodded, daring to come closer,
“I understand that Adney, I do, and I know that an apology might not make up for it, but I will try and make you see, that I really did not mean it! I love you, only you. Please don’t leave me! I beg you.”
By the end of that sentence, Anne had to fight back a sob, afraid she was losing everything she had worked so hard for, longed for all her life because of her own stupidity.
“I do not know what to say, Anne. I,” Ann said her voice tired, and Anne hurried to her, kneeling in front of her, touching her cheek with her hand, tears rolling down her face,
“You don’t have to say anything, I’m sorry. I’m all at fault. I will try to make it better. I will be better!”
Anne couldn’t contain her sobs any longer, and she buried her face on Ann’s knees. Unable to be so cruel as to punish Anne more than she deserved, Ann ran her fingers through her dark hair, down her neck to comfort her, as Anne bit the fabric that covered her thighs to muffle her sobs,
“Hush, Pony, I won’t leave you. I was just… It upset me! But I could never stop loving you. Not even when you are a complete and utter idiot! Because when worse comes to worse – you are still my idiot, and I love you in spite of it.” Ann told her, and Anne raised her head, looking a complete mess, and Ann couldn’t help but smile at her,
“Idiot.” She mumbled before kissing Anne on the lips chastely,
“You bloody idiot!” Ann added, before kissing Anne again, hard and slowly.
“I deserved that.” Anne mumbled, her voice hoarse from her crying and Ann bit her lip chuckling,
“Yes, my insults not the kisses.”
“Mm.” Anne smiled through her tears, kissing Ann fiercely,
“I’m so sorry. So sorry. I will never forgive myself for not running after you. God, Ann, I… If I ever do something this stupid again – hit me – shoot me!”
“I did think about burning your study to the ground for a moment there.” Ann admitted sheepishly,
“You should’ve – it would’ve been nothing short of what I deserved. I could never live with myself if you left.”
“Oh, I forgive you, Anne. But you better make up for it!” Ann smirked and Anne kissed her again fondly, before giving her a rouge smile,
“I can think of one or two things that might do it.”
Ann touched her arm affectionately but then Anne frowned, suddenly, remembering,
“Though I feel I need to ask, have you turned everyone in this household against me?”
And Ann smiled, so clearly pleased with herself, that Anne’s heart might have just melted at the sight of it – God she loved this woman to pieces.
“I did.”
“Well, well, well, Mrs Walker – I didn’t think you had it in you to be so cunning.” Anne smirked and Ann kissed her eyebrow,
“You clearly don’t know me that well then… also Marian and Aunt Anne helped after they found out.”
“Oh, I do not doubt Marian jumped at the chance – but my aunt, bless her – she adores you! There are few people she would betray me for.” Anne took her hand and ran her thumb over her knuckles in small soothing movements. Anne placed a sweet kiss on her forehead, and then with a cheeky smile she mumbled;
“You should be in bed, Adney, you look absolutely exhausted.”
“Ha ha, very clever, dearest. I am still a little mad at you! - I’m staying put.” Ann crossed her arms and legs, glancing at Anne with a satisfied smile resting upon her lips, but Anne growled under her breath,
“I am not leaving you here – I told you I wouldn’t leave you again!”
“Bad luck, I told you that I wasn’t moving!”
“All right, Walker – if that’s the deal.” Anne stood up and Ann thought she had won, but gave a startled cry when Anne mustered all her strength and threw Ann over her shoulder, toppling but little by the sudden weight.
“Put me down! ANNE!” Ann screamed, but Anne paid her no heed but began walking up the stairs, slowly as to not fall. They bumped into Mrs. Cordingley whose mouth fell to the floor,
“Cordingley.” Anne greeted seriously with a nod,
“Ma’am?!”
“Hi.” Ann muttered embarrassed as Anne walked past her.
Anne didn’t put the kicking and screaming Ann down until they were inside Anne’s bedroom. Anne placed her down on the bed, wearing a goofy grin before leaning down over Ann on the bed, kissing her frown away.
“Forgive me?”
“Only if you promise to warn me before forcing me with you to visit one of your long lines of lovers again.” Ann muttered and Anne gasped at the audacity before kissing her fondly,
“I promise.”
“How many were they again? Thirty?”
“Ah, you know that it’s not thirty. It’s ten if you… or wait, no it might be fourteen… I think?” Anne paused to think and gave a nod,
“Yes, about fourteen.”
“Still more than me.” Ann quirked her eyebrow and Anne leant on her elbows over Ann,
“Well, we cannot all be as perfect as you are darling.”
“Who were they?”
“Why must you know?” Anne asked troubled and went to lean in for a kiss which was refused, and Anne felt stumped.
“Because I worry. I worry I’m nothing in comparison – that I’m a poor second choice or in this case approximately your fifteenth choice.”
“You are wonderful, Ann -I love you! I haven’t told anyone that in years, and I’ve never meant it as I do now.” Anne argued softly and Ann stroke her cheek with her hand,
“Tell me, please! I just want to know so I can put it at rest.”
“Fine and only because I cannot deny you anything… “Anne sighed and then rolled away and sat up on bed,
“No, I want you to tell me because we should have no secrets between us. Because we are one before God – not because you can’t deny me anything.” Ann told her stubbornly and Anne’s features softened, Ann was truly godsend,
“Good, yes – a much better reason. Oh, fine here it goes… there was this woman I don’t know the real name of, Eliza, Tib, Mariana, Anne, Margaret, Francis, Mrs. Barlow, Mrs. Jones… eh – I seriously, Ann I can’t think on my feet – I’ll look into it for you.”
“But were they…” Ann swallowed her question but decided against it and opened her mouth again,
“Were you close like we are?”
“Um, eh, no and yes. I guess Eliza and Mariana were the closest. But whereas I explored with Eliza, Mariana... After her I… I only… Never… yes. Um, I don’t feel comfortable talking about… it’s painful to me.” Anne trailed off and seemed to distance herself further from Ann, but the blonde wouldn’t let her,
“I’m sorry you had to go through all that. But I love you – everything about you, all of you. Trust me – there is no one like you – just thinking about you sends me... I’d be gentle, and you could show me what you like. Because I want to, so badly, love you – all of you if only you’d let me, Anne!” Ann told her, cupping her cheek with her hand and she stroke away a lone tear that ran across the cheekbone, and then she placed a gentle, sweet kiss on the brunette’s full lips. Anne closed her eyes and sank into the kiss, fear filling her. She hadn’t given herself completely in years and never like this – never this way, not to someone that meant so much to her.
“Don’t be frightened.” Ann murmured, against her lips,
“If I say stop – you must stop!” Anne whispered and the young woman nodded, and kissed her cheek softly,
“I would never do anything that would be unpleasant to you!”
Anne let out a shaky breath and let Ann continue pressing kisses to her lips, down her throat and over her heaving chest – it felt so frightening but at the same time so good. Surely it had never been this way with Mariana? Nor Eliza? Ann was gentle, and she didn’t laugh – she actually seemed aroused by Anne’s body, wanting to devour it. Anne knew she could work magic with her fingers, with her lips, with her tongue – she could inspire throes of passion, but she never thought anyone could look at her body only and want more. But Ann did. She loved her fully and utterly, and it made her heart swell in her chest – how had she deserved this woman? - And how had she almost thrown that away by staying?
Anne never told her to stop. Her fear forgotten with her nightgown on the floor.
And all was well, well not all because Aunt Anne and Marian had planned a surprise for Anne at breakfast, after all they did not know that Anne and Ann had reconciled.