Perfectionism
Ishan was always envious of others’ achievements and successes.
It didn’t help that they were surrounded by some sort of support system, whether it was family, friends, or even their superiors that helped them along the way. Ishan would set out to do better than them, but it was never as good as the others, no matter if anyone said otherwise because he just couldn’t see it.
Why was Ishan any different?
He put in as much work as anyone else, even more so, and nothing came out the way he wanted it to. Almost anything he worked on didn’t come out the way he wanted it to, and over time, he simply didn’t do anything if he thought he couldn’t give his best. The attention that Ishan got because of that didn’t help either.
For the first time in a long time, he was getting noticed, and it wasn’t out of some sort of obligation.
Still, it didn’t stop him from trying to give his best in something he knew he could achieve, like this report.
Ishan gritted his teeth in annoyance. He knew he could do this, but nothing was coming out right. He even set it aside to work on the other reports and did them with relative ease, surprisingly. Why was this not as easy?
After trying to begin the report for the umpteenth time, and it not coming out right, Ishan grabbed a file and put it on top of the report in order not to look at it. He runs his hands through his hair, feeling a headache form from his frustration.
This was ridiculous.
Ishan booted up his computer, opened up a writing system, and began the report again. Typing filled the silence of his office and occasionally there would be a pause when Ishan would jam his finger on the backspace button to delete every word he’d typed up. He was so caught up that he didn’t notice his office door open and close.
“Detective?”
Ava was, to say, quite perplexed at the sight before her.
Ishan was visibly frustrated, fingers jamming on the keyboard with the occasional scoff at the screen. On one such scoff, he turned his head away from the screen and caught sight of Ava standing in front of the office door.
“Ava?” Ishan asked, his eyes widening a little in shock before he composed himself. He looked at Ava, his lips twitching as if to hold back a smile. “I was not aware that you were going to be here.”
“We were supposed to meet at the warehouse,” Ava said and Ishan’s brow quirked. Ava quickly rephrased. “You were supposed to be at the warehouse.”
Ishan glanced at the time on the computer, realizing that he had spent over an hour working on the report. He also realized that he had absolutely nothing to show for it either.
“I apologize. I didn’t realize how long this would take me,” Ishan said, leaning back in his chair with his arms on the armrests. His lips were pursed, and Ava recognized it as a sign of irritation. Still, Ishan looked at her apologetically.
“Yes, though, you could have let me,” Ava caught herself, finishing her statement more firmly. “One of us know.”
Ishan didn’t seem to notice Ava’s slip-up, thankfully, as he was back to jamming his fingers on the keyboard, brow furrowed in concentration. Ava’s jaw clenched at being thoroughly ignored, somewhat, but the urgency of Ishan’s typing was concerning.
“Detective,” Ava said, walking up to Ishan’s desk. When she didn’t get an answer, she peered at the computer screen, seeing what seemed like a report in the makings. She skimmed through the report as Ishan was typing and found that it was extremely detailed for a simple report.
Ishan abruptly stopped typing and Ava could see him squint at the screen as he leaned closer, eyes darting fast over the words. He leaned back, turning his head to look up at her, lips pressed tight together.
“What do you think?” Ishan asked, jerking his head toward the screen.
“This is your job, detective,” Ava reminded him, though she skimmed through the report once again, feeling his gaze on her. “It’s extremely detailed for a cat burglar.”
“I knew it,” Ishan muttered, his finger headed for the backspace button. “Why can’t this come out right?”
Ava grabbed his hand before it could land on the keyboard. She tried to ignore the warmth of his hand.
“What are you doing?” Ava asked, moving his hand away from the keyboard before she jerked her hand back as if she had been burned.
“I’m going to start over,” Ishan replied, sounding as though Ava should have already known. “It’s too detailed like you said. It has to be perfect.”
“It does not have to be perfect,” Ava said, meeting Ishan’s eye. The man’s brow furrowed a minuscule in confusion as if it’s the first he’s heard of such a thing.
“That’s how I have always done things, though,” Ishan admitted, standing up and running a hand through his hair. “I have to set high standards for myself and my work.”
“Why?” Ava found herself asking. Ishan looked at her, eyes roaming about her face before he sat on the edge of his desk.
“When I was younger, I was often envious of other kids getting attention for the work they’d done and it was no sort of obligation, either,” Ishan chuckled humorously, shaking his head. “I was rather subdued in my youth, no friends, no mother, a house I lived in instead of a home to feel loved and appreciated. I felt like there was nothing for me.”
Ava’s hands clenched at her sides. She tried to imagine a life without Ishan being there, beside her and looking at her with a look in his eye that Ava didn’t want to name, but there was nothing.
Ava wasn’t surprised that she couldn’t imagine such a life.
“I set high standards for myself so I could keep going,” Ishan stood up from his perch on his desk, stepping closer to her until he was a few feet away from her. His hand twitched at his side. “At first, it was to surpass the other kids, to be better than them so I could be recognized for my efforts. Then, it was only for me. It got out of hand over the years, but it kept me going.”
“I’m glad,” Ava blurted out. Her lips pressed tightly together. She did not want to say that.
The small smile it brought to Ishan’s face made up for it though.
“As am I,” he whispered, looking down at her with obvious fondness. Ava cleared her throat, simultaneously hoping that he would stop looking at her like that and hoping that he wouldn’t.
“If you take out some of the unnecessary details of the report, then it will be more clear and precise,” Ava turned away, pretending not to hear the chuckle from behind her.
“As a report should be, yes?”
“Precisely.”
Ava couldn’t help but smile at the sharp bark of laughter.