The gravelly soil of the way leading up to the gate of the church's grounds scrunches under their shoes, the overcast sky letting single rays of sun flash through every now and then. Jocelyn walks linked with Maggie whose right hand rests on top of hers as they take on the unpaved way between graves. A colourful bouquet of flowers is tightly gripped by her free, left hand. Today is the first anniversary of Veronica's sudden death. No matter how many times Jocelyn has visited her mother's grave since then, no matter how much she feels like she copes well, it still hurts more than on the other days. Maybe it's the amount of time, the size that 'one year' suddenly seems to take on that make her more fragile than before. That already a year has passed without her mother by her side, no matter how present she still was when she was alive. The gladder she is that Maggie is with her. Giving her support and love and safety. If Maggie hadn't been, she surely would have disappeared back into her house after the trial and left the world at the doorstep. Alone. Thank God she was able to brace up after the death and was able to confess her feelings to Maggie. Whether she would have reciprocated them or not didn't play a role. That's one of the good sides of her mother's passing, even if it's hard to admit. The end of the consistent care home bills, too, that she was able to settle up at last thanks to Maggie. Life took her most important constant in it and gave her a new one. And for that, she still is grateful.
Arriving in front of the grave, both women silence with their eyes resting on the shining marble stone. Jocelyn parts from Maggie and sinks to her knees with a swallowing to lay down the bouquet. At that, she removes some weeds from the otherwise neat grave and sweeps the earth even a little with her bare hand. Then she stretches out her arm to reach the two candles in red glasses that are placed at the foot of the gravestone and pulls them towards herself. With the other hand she supports herself on the ground and gets back up. Maggie pulls a lighter out of her coat's pocket and ignites the two halfway burnt down candles, turning the glasses into a soft, red glow. She stows the lighter away in her dark blue coat again and takes one of the candles from Jocelyn. Their eyes meet and she looks into Jocelyn's bleary ones as a single tear escapes them and slowly finds its way down her cheek, over her lips and then jumps from her chin on to the ground. Maggie puts her arm around Jocelyn's shoulders and slightly presses her against herself while they stand in front of the grave and remember Veronica. Jocelyn's mother has also meant a good deal to Maggie. For it was her who searched for a home and kept her some company when Jocelyn was away in London. Her, who she went on walks with when nobody else did. And she knows how attached Jocelyn was to Veronica. She even said herself, her mother was all she had. And now she's gone. Even then, on the day of the funeral, that wasn't true and Maggie remembers very well how it felt like a stab through the heart to hear Jocelyn say these words. But that's simply Jocelyn. Who she loves more than anyone else despite all her little idiosyncrasies. Who is leaning against her right now so sorrowing and small, the candle in her hand and the silent tears on the soft face. Tears that except for Maggie nobody might ever get to see.
Gingerly, she lets her hand glide from Jocelyn's shoulders and takes two steps along the grave to put the candle back in its place. Before going back, her hand lingers on the stone for a moment. Jocelyn follows her example and places the candle carefully next to Maggie's. Still squatting, she strokes across her mother's engraved name and whispers “I love you, mum.” before rising to her feet and returning to the path again, too, where Maggie welcomes her with open arms. Gladly she lets herself fall into her embrace. Her warmth and love give her strength and let the tears dry. With a kiss on her temple, Maggie breaks off the hug and gestures towards a near bench on the edge of the cemetery. After an approving nod, they let themselves down there, their eyes looking out over the resting souls. Jocelyn sighs lightly.
“I do miss her. More than I thought.“
“Of course you do, petal. She was your mum and it's only been a year. You're allowed to miss and grieve her. Took me a while to get over each of my parents' deaths, too.“
“I suppose you're right...“
“I know I am.“
Jocelyn chuckles shortly and searches for Maggie's hand to entwine their fingers. Maggie always has warm hands.
“A year already though… It doesn't quite feel like it somehow.“
“I know. Time is a weird concept.“
“You know, sometimes it feels as though she has only just died a couple weeks ago but in other moments I look at you and… it feels like you have always been in my life the way you are now. When we have been together for not even a year. Time and one's perception of it really are a funny thing.“
“Not even a year. That sure feels longer. And I mean that in all the good ways.“
“Sometimes I think of when I first kissed you, finally, and wonder what I would have done had you actually rejected me like you were about to.“
“You'd rot away in that house now, radiators turned on and curtains closed, cut off from the world, wallowing in self-pity and grief. I'm fairly certain.“
Jocelyn shoots her a playfully grim look and chunters.
“I suppose you're probably right again.“
“Definitely.“, Maggie says with a smug expression, “Well, thank God I gave you another chance, eh?“
“Yes, thank God. I would've said I don't know where I'd be without you, but we both seem to know very well where that would be.“, After a short silence she adds: “Do you think she would've approved? Of me? Of us?“
“Veronica? Yes, I'm very sure. She only ever wanted what's best for you. Wanted for you to be happy. She once told me that she always hoped you'd one day bring somebody home. That you'd find your person. I'm quoting her on the 'person'. I feel like she might've sensed it. Or even known. I remember how almost desperately she wanted for us to meet all those years ago. Oh, and she learned that I was a lesbian quite early on so… take from that what you want.“
A quiet sobbing makes Maggie turn to Jocelyn. She lets go off her hand to take her into her arms. Gently she strokes Jocelyn's arm and plants a kiss on the dark blonde hair.
“Why was I such a goddamn coward? I wasted so many years, so much time. I would've found all the acceptance and support I needed. I could have had the world and ran away from it. God. Why was I so unbelievably stupid… I regret it all so much. The days of putting off talking to you turning into weeks, turning into months, turning into years. Running away from the happiness she always wanted for me and that she seemed to have seen in you. Before I did. Before I realised that you are my happiness… I'm so sorry, Maggie. For letting you down. And I'm sorry, mum, for not being the strong woman you thought you'd raised. How could I ever doubt your love?“
The last sentences fade into a whisper as she glances over to her mother's grave. Of course she would have accepted her. Veronica had a good heart and she is her only daughter. It would all have been more than alright.
“Sweetheart, I know it's bothering you now but no matter how much you regret it, we aren't going to get those years back. So let's make the best of what we've got left. You know I have forgiven you. And I'm sure your mum is looking down from heaven right now with a big smile on her face because you have found that strength in you to finally be who you are. And that you finally found your person. Who loves you so much. With all you did wrong or could've at least handled better.”
“You're right. Again.”, Jocelyn straightens herself, “I'm losing myself in self-pity again, I'm sorry. Mum would tell me to quit whining and just be happy now, I guess.”
“The Veronica I got to know absolutely would.”
“So, I'll do as she would say. I'll be happy with what I have. You.”
Jocelyn cups Maggie's face with both hands and kisses her firmly, feeling her hands finding their way on her back. She could linger on Maggie's lips forever. On her happiness. But she lets go eventually to lean her forehead against Maggie's, their noses lightly brushing against each other's. Looking into her eyes, she feels home. Feels her love and light.
“I love you, my sunshine.”