What are they afraid of
What are they afraid of
“What do you think they’re afraid of?” She asked. “Who? My team, of the paladins?” “Both, if you know.”
James nodded and shifted in his chair.
“Well, Ryan’s scared of forgetting. Not just little things, but everything. I remember our third or fourth year at the Garrison, someone a year ahead of us hit their head during training. They were unconscious for a few hours, and when they woke up, they didn’t remember anything. Or anyone. And I remember that terrified look in their eyes when they looked around to see a room full of strangers. They remembered after a few days, but it came back slowly. Ryan looked so terrified when they said they didn’t remember. That’s part of why he carries around his camera. Not just because he enjoys it and is good at it, but because he’s scared of forgetting. So he wants to have a record of it, so he never can.
Nadia is the opposite. She’s scared of being forgotten. So she’s always loud and energetic, this beacon of light. Impossible not to notice. Someone you’d never forget, even if you tried.
Ina’s scared of being ignored, so she’s silent. She rarely talks, and when she does, everyone listens. Everyone pays attention. That way she knows no one will ignore her.”
She nodded along. “So that’s your team. What about the paladins?”
“The paladins actually share a lot of fears with each other. Like, a few of them are scared of the same things.
Lance is scared of being an outcast, or not being accepted. So when people make jokes at his expense, or say things he doesn’t like or agree with, he just smiles and laughs, playing along.
Lance and Hunk are afraid of not being good enough, or letting people down. Both take jokes about them in stride, but if you look at them, and really look, they look a bit scared. They don’t want to be the reason something goes wrong, or that they can’t save somebody.
Lance and Hunk are also scared of their families getting hurt. They both have big families, with lots of cousins and younger siblings. They want to protect them, and keep them away from harm.
Them and Pidge are scared of not knowing enough, or what to do. That’s a big part of why she reads and studies so much. She doesn’t want to not know something, and she never knows what might be important, so she pays attention to it all.
She, along with Keith and Shiro, is also scared of losing her brother again, or not having him with her. All three of them have lost their family members before and have been powerless to save them. They don’t want it to happen ever again.
Shiro’s scared of that, and of dying. He might have died once before, but that doesn’t mean he’ll wake up if he does again. And he doesn’t want to not be there for others. He knows what it’s like to lose someone you love, and he never wants others to feel that way.
And Keith-” James sighs. “I think he’s the most scared of all the paladins. He’s the leader. He calls the shots. He’s worried if he makes the wrong decision, it’ll cost him his team. But he doesn’t think of them as his team, none of them do. They think of each other as family. And they’ll do anything to protect their family.
He doesn’t like getting close to people. To get attached. Because he’s scared of them leaving. So he pushes them away. He’s scared of not being strong enough, so he trains and works out all the time. He's scared of losing people, so he either pushes them far away or keeps them close.
All of them, my team included, are scared of failure. Of losing someone. Of failing to protect those who matter most. They’ve all lost people, and they hate the feelings that come with it. The pain, the sadness, the helplessness, the anger, the frustration. They know if they let those emotions overcome them, they could end up losing someone else. And they never want anyone to feel that.” James finished.
“What about you? What are you scared of?” She asks.
James smiles weakly. “That’s harder. I know what I’m afraid of, but knowing it and admitting it are two very different things. And neither are easy.”
“Do you think your team knows? What you’re afraid of?”
James shakes his head. “No, I don’t think so. They didn’t even know that I was a year younger than them until I told them.”
“So, would you say they know you well? Or not at all?” She asks, leaning back.
“They know me best. But they don’t know everything.”
“Would you want to show them? What you’re afraid of? Would you want them to know everything?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because then they’d treat me differently.”
“How?”
“Like I’m fragile. Delicate. Breakable.”
“Are you?”
“I’ve gone through more in 19 years than most people do in their lifetimes. If I haven’t broken by now, I’m not going to.”
“Do you care what they think of you?”
“Yes.”
“What about other people? Do their opinions matter?”
“Depends on who it is.”
“A stranger. Does their opinion matter?”
James laughs. “I have to walk around with a security detail in certain areas because people are plotting to murder me for something I said when I was 12. Strangers' opinions be damned.”
“Do you think they’d be different if they really knew you? If they knew everything about you?”
“Yes.”
“Would you like to show them?”
Another laugh.
“I learned a long time ago not to value everyone’s opinions of me. Only those closest and most important.”