Not a sound beat it’s living heart in the White household on a Saturday night.
There would be nothing to ease Carrie into sleep until dawn broke and the only ambiance then would be her Mother’s small footsteps atop the lonesome hardwood. But as times turned to Winter and soft flakes of snow hurtled to the ground, Carrie White orchestrated her own performance.
Kneeling in-front of her mirror, she dug a thin brush a bit too harshly into a tube of mascara she’d yet to wear once without crying it off before even leaving her bedroom. Her mother wanted for her to be celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ but the young daughter was just realizing she’d been born with the will to celebrate herself.
So she sat, blinking her eyes at the glass while allowing herself to admire the reflection. Her head bounced...words coming and going with the same speed as distant hail. ‘Spastic’ and ‘weirdo’. She frowned, clawing at the velvety pink fabric of her shirt. ‘Scary White’.
Carrie flung the tube of makeup against the wall...it thumped but gave her no satisfaction. Her eyes followed it as it rolled back towards he folded legs and rattled there against the skin for a few seconds. Mama remained still in her sleep downstairs. Thank goodness.
Pebbles hitting the window like a headache to her right temple awakened Carrie from her thoughts. She crawled across the floor and gently threw open the window with something like a smile playing at the corners of her lips.
A stray pebble came through the corner as she popped up...getting her first peek at the lovely Sue Snell who was bouncing (partly from the cold) to get her eyes on her. But young Carrie’s attention was got from her first tease of Sue’s sweet voice...singing...
“Carrie, Carrie, baby
Carrie baby
Carrie, can you come out tonight?”
Carrie giggled, waving her hands to get the girl to stop. The fear of her Mama waking up to a teenage girl serenading her outside was a nightmare she’d like to avoid. She could see Sue’s nose wrinkling from the bitter chill and ached to pull her inside just so the warm air could hug her in a way Carrie herself just couldn’t manage yet.
“You stop that!” She tried to hold back her chuckles. “I’ll be down in a minute. That is if you’re singing didn’t wake Mama.” She scoffed as if she were really upset but Sue didn’t buy that and Carrie could tell.
“Hurry down, fair Carrie!” Sue continued her restless hopping, hands now stuffed into the pockets of her coat. “I want to see the Christmas lights!” Her curly hair bounced high with her.
The rough plan was to take a stroll around the neighborhood, maybe observe the shiny decorations, and head to the Drive-In for Root-beer floats or something. No big deal but Carrie had been thinking about it non-stop for the days since Sue asked when she’d come home from her college’s Christmas break. That was just something she couldn’t help, being that she was a textbook overthinker.
But judging the way Sue had arrived exactly on time (not even off by a minute) and seemed awfully fidgety, the girl was probably no better. She stood at the end of the walk-way, snowflakes flying down atop her like a living angel...she was bathed in a white shine. Carrie had no way of knowing that Sue was thinking the very same thing about her...
“Tommy asked me to give you his Christmas gift.” She slipped a shinning slim box from her purse of wonders and waved it out for Carrie. “He’s tragically spending his Holiday studying. You miss him, though. I know, sooo...”
She sped over with a bashful smile and accepted the pure looking gift. For a horrid moment, Carrie pictured a tampon sitting there atop the blue fuzzy bed which was of course, a cruel joke from her own mind because what did lay there was a delicate silver chained bracelet.
“He got me a matching one.” Sue giggled, wiggling her wrist. “Tommy’s a sweet boy, huh? He thought we can fill them up with charms-”
“Like real friendship bracelets?” Carrie abruptly looked up with watery eyes full of an earnest emotion that was hard to place.
“Yeah!” She gently took Carrie’s wrist, skin-to-skin, and lined up their arms to show off the whole matching gimmick. There was just 1 charm on each of their chains. A glittering star on Carrie’s & a shining heart for Sue. Carrie turned her wrist slowly to watch the charms soak in the night’s light. “He fell for us both, I think.”
Carrie snapped her head up at that. “Oh, Sue--I don’t think that’s true-”
Sue shook her head with a smile. “My goodness, Carrie White.” Her giggle filled the space between them. “See that it’s true-” She flicked the other girls star charm and then her own. “Poor thing just never had a shot with either of us.” She hummed, almost sad. “I never could love Tommy the way he deserved. The life I would have had with him wasn’t what I wanted. You know that, I guess.”
Carrie pursed her lips. Yes, she remembered lovely Sue pouring her heart and soul into the cupped palms of one Carrie White. After the prom, Sue hiccupped everything out like thick blood from her throat.
It was criminally endearing. The way Sue had clawed at the tears on her cheeks, explaining that it was just fine for Carrie to date Tommy. In fact, she had subconsciously wished it would happen that way, Sue did. But Carrie didn’t fall for Tommy quite as hard as she did for Sue that night.
“I love you, Sue.” Was all she could think to say.
“And I love you, Carrie.” Her nose wiggled again. “I’m working on loving you the way you deserve.” She shrugged, taking her wrist away and starting on the holiday walk. Her boots thudded against the concrete.
Carrie nearly rolled her eyes, which would have struck Sue as cute. “You love me like you love me.” She hesitantly took the girl’s cold hand in hers...feeling overwhelmingly warm inside. “It’s just the perfect way to live, Sue. To be loved by you.”
Sue slowed down a bit, a pace where the houses behind her stopped being blurry, and blushed. “You always know just what to say Carrie White.” She paused just to admire the girl. “How do you do it?”
Carrie felt her own blush creep up her neck as she shrugged. “I just say what I mean.” She fumbled on her words, feeling like a little mess but was rewarded with a quick kiss on the cheek. It felt criminally undeserved but she still enjoyed the peck of Sue’s pink lips. Part of her felt so eternally grateful for the girl that she had to hold back tears.
They strolled past lawns of beautiful Christmas decorations, Carrie felt the distant eyes of blow mold Santa’s. A tall brown house eclipsing the moon from her vision had the whole baby in the manger set-up. The baby Jesus seemed to sit up in the wooden basket and she imagined it’s glare directed at her. But when Carrie looked up, the plastic baby was asleep just like any decoration.
She sighed. Not realizing she’d stopped until Sue curled up next to her and gently grabbed her arm. She reached out to brush a few blonde baby hairs from Carrie’s temple, a simple gesture but so filled with love. “Save yourself from wasting your young-adulthood, Carrie...” She whispered against the girls skin. “Think about coming home with me.”
The falling snowflakes around only them grew fatter and a tiny bit slanted as Carrie snapped her head over to gaze at the girl. Both knew the magical element which lay at it’s cause but neither said anything of it. In fact, Sue opened her mouth to stick out her tongue and taste the fluffy ice.
It ignited a small fire in Carrie’s chest. “My mom-”
Sue deflated slightly, it was hard not to notice. “She doesn’t deserve you Carrie.”
The blonde pulled her eyes away from Sue and landed them back on the front of the brown-brick home. Their left window glowed green, the right was a glittery crimson. “I deserve her...” She mumbled, mostly to herself. “I can’t Sue. I’m sorry-”
Sue blinked, letting go of Carrie’s arm to wiped her sleeve under her left eye, attempting to look away but Carrie caught the bit of water leaking out. Her chest thumped with pain. Never in her life did she want to make Sue Snell cry. It stung her with a horrible burning sensation all over her body. “Sue?”
She sniffled. “It’s fine. I’m being a baby, huh?” Her giggle then sounded strained. “I just want you to be happy, ok? I would only try to step in like this if I really thought you needed it.” She looked off again.
Carrie felt a flicker of resentment towards the girl, flashes of the prom night played like an old movie in her head. Flashes of hard reds mixed with the hues of Easter colored dresses. “I don’t need you to step in, Sue.” Her voice twitched in it’s tone, a sign of growing anger that while recognized...couldn’t be helped. “Getting your boyfriend to take me to prom just because you felt sorry for me doesn’t earn you that right.”
Sue didn’t flinch but almost. Instead, the girl just shifted her weight to her right leg to disguise her step back. She wasn’t scared. Just a little disappointed in herself for jerking Carrie around. She turned her attention to the lawn of Blow Molds again, making eye contact with one of the old Santas. Tethered reindeer raising his packed sleigh. He smiled, a grin thick with teeth which were blotted in the red color bleeding in from the poorly painted lips.
A shiver went down her spine. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s ok, Sue.” Carrie blew a flying piece of hair away from her eyes and sighed. “I shouldn’t have-”
Sue pursed her lips and shook her head. “Don’t apologize. I do have a history of making you do things you don’t want to do.”
Carrie smiled gently. “I had a lovely time with Tommy. Prom...” Her eyes glittered a brief reflection of the Christmas lights across the street. “Turned out pretty okay.” She pinched Sue’s arm softly as if to strengthen the point.
“My boyfriend fell in love with you.” Sue burst into delightful giggles. Carrie couldn’t help but join her.
“And I fell in love with his Girlfriend.” She added, tilting her chin so as to hide behind her long blonde hair. But that didn’t block the feeling of Sue’s joy from radiating around her. Thankfully.
Moonlight bathed the houses in a mystic pale light, leaving Carrie feeling mute and cold in the winter snow. There was a sense of deadened glee there, after the laughs passed, which they might’ve been able to keep had Sue not invited such tension into air between them. Both girls thought, different in each introspective mind, about how to pass go and collect their 200 dollars.
Carrie sniffled, red nose flaring, and found it in her to smile. “What do you want for Christmas?”
Sue chuckled, shoving her cold hands back into the long pockets of her coat as they strolled on. They passed more and more glittering houses that screamed of warm cookies and casual family bickering. To Carrie, it looked very beautiful and very neighborly.
“A Christmas card, from you.” She chose her words carefully, that much was very clear to her quiet friend. “With words straight from the heart, Missy.” She poked at her.
Carrie shook her head with a tight grin. “To you and all your family, your neighbors and your friends, May all your days be happy with a joy that never ends-” She sang so softly that no one would ever hear but Sue Snell.
“Oh, stop that.” Sue thumped her arm gently and burst into sweet giggles. “David Cassidy’s words are not what I want from you.”
“And what do you want?”
Sue rolled her eyes and bent her knees to pick-up a fallen Candy Cane from the next house’s lawn. Her shoes scoffed against the hard flakes of ice but she had no trouble keeping balance. “I believe I said that already.” She flicked her tongue.
Carrie shrugged, knowing that she’d agonize over what to write for as long as possible.
Sue stuck the decoration harder into the grass, stepped back and admired her work with a faint mumbling of lyrics pouring from her mouth. Carrie was positive she didn’t even know she was doing it. “Hello world! I'm your wild girl. I'm your ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb!”
"Who sings that?”
Sue blinked a few times before realizing what she’d done. “Oh, the Runaways...” Her smiled refreshed, much brighter, as she waited for Carrie to catch up to her side again. “If you came to live with me, I could show you all my records.”
Carrie knew now that the battle to shove that conversation down was not going to favor her. “I have missed out on a lot.”
Sue smirked. “Are you humoring me? Finally.” She sighed happily, dramatically too, and grabbed for Carrie’s hand again. She opened her mouth, ready to list more wonderful things but stopped suddenly. Her hand weakened almost instantly.
She looked up and frowned. “I’m really lonely up there, Carrie.” There was an earnest look of despair that chilled her friend to the bone. “I’m not used to that, I guess. Being one half of a high school sweetheart couple for that long...well, it makes you really dependent.”
Carrie squeezed her dead palm softly. “Maybe that’s good for you, Sue...”
The young girl sighed, no dramatics that time, and nodded a few times. “Maybe.”
The epitome of sad...that was Sue Snell.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Bells will be ringing this sad sad New Years
Oh what a Christmas to have the blues
My baby's gone I have no friends
To wish me greetings once again...”
The Drive-in, affectionately known as Bluebell’s, was covered in the perfect sprinkling of dusty snow. Making it a picture perfect enough for a postcard (that is if anyone gave a shit about Chamberlain, Maine).
Sue Snell pulled her straw in-and-out of her root-beer float and watched Carrie White scoop the frothy ice-cream onto her spoon with eager eyes. It was endearingly sweet. “I think we can be independent together.”
Carrie swallowed, spoon clinking against her glass. “Doesn’t that defeat the purpose, Sue?”
She shook her head and took a long sip of the sweet treat. “No.” Her face was neither in a happy or sad expression. “I don’t need to be independent from you, Carrie. Just...from the life I almost had. One where I end up being a housewife.” A huge hunk of ice-cream fell down her chin, which she wiped at instantly. “And you need independence from...”
“My mother.” Carrie frowned, putting her chin in her hand.
“I don’t think independence has to come at the expense of companionship...” Sue shook her head again. The girls went quiet again, just enjoying their--poorly decided--icy cold drink in the middle of a chilling winter night.
“It’s a nice thought.” Carrie mumbled, licking off any ice cream from her lips in a rush as Sue blinked up at her. “But someone needs to take care of-”
“She’s an adult, Carrie.” Sue gently set her glass down on the table, fluorescent lights blinking above her in a off-putting green hue. “Your Mother can take care of herself. You need to start taking care of yourself.” She finished her point by taking another long slurp of her float. Carrie thought she was hoping to hide her nerves.
A feeling of anxiety pounded from Carrie’s chest and sunk down to her gut as she let those words rush over her. Sue didn’t pressure for any sort of response and instead smiled softly, enjoying the Holiday music. “If I was starting to consider the idea of potentially going away, what might you say to me?” Carrie twirled her straw but didn’t look up.
The girl brightened considerably but remained calm. “I’d say...” She paused momentarily.
“But this is Christmas yes Christmas my dear
The time of year to be with the ones you love
So won't you tell me you'll never more roam
Christmas and new Years will find you home...”
“Don’t do it for me, y’know? Just because I’ve been...annoying you about it all night.” Sue frowned, looking madly depressed with herself. “Do it for you. Go anywhere. Just don’t stay here...with her.”
Carrie found them very low in company, the only other customer around was hidden inside their car. She planned to reach over to cradle the girls freezing hand but found that to be even too much for her fear. So she settled for bumping their legs together from under the table, jean-covered ankles finding each other’s warmth.
Carrie thought briefly about the baby Jesus outside that tall brown home they’d passed on the way. Laying as still as any decoration had to be in it’s wooden basket.
She reached out for that hand. Sue instantly squeezed back but stayed quiet, possibly letting Carrie now take the lead because she felt badly. Snow continued to fall but they stayed safe under the tiny roof of the drive-in, remaining a delighted audience to the winter wonderland scene.
There would come a time and a place during Sue’s College Break stay to discuss further but for now, the girls just relaxed. For Carrie had finally been gifted the ability to take it easy, as long as Sue kept tracing circles onto her skin.
She’d come out tonight without permission from Mama & that was enough to make her smile. If she could make it as far as the drive-in...well, there was a big chance she’d see herself farther.