I'm going to miss you
Over the next few nights, Cassie was relieved that they stayed free of any nightmares, apart from a rather nasty dream where she flew into the quidditch pitch dressed in nothing but her underwear during the house cup final against Slytherin. However, she couldn't compare that dream to the nightmares.
"A galleon for your thoughts?"
A soft chuckle left Cassie's lips as she looked up to Rabastan, who held out a steaming cup of tea. "Thanks." she smiled as she carefully took the teacup and blew it gently in hopes of cooling it down. Moving her gaze back to the snowy scenery in front of her, the snow-filled garden, the glittering hills that laid just behind the house, she understood why Ted and Andromeda had moved here. It was beautiful, not nearly as beautiful as the cottage, though, but she would keep that to herself.
The porch swing moved slightly as Rabastan sat down next to her, and Cassie couldn't help but add, "I doubt my thoughts are worth that much."
"They are to me." He replied softly.
She whipped her head towards the man only to find his warm eyes fixed on the view she had been studying ever since she came out here a little while ago. Though as he looked at the view, she couldn't help but let her eyes linger upon his face, and as she did, she was suddenly reminded by the words she had spoken just a few days ago. Though sometimes he says these things that shock the life out of me.
Just like now, Cassie thought to herself. She looked down at her teacup, moving it slightly, watching as the tea made soft waves on the smooth surface.
"If I say that–" She started slowly, raising her eyes back to his face, uncertain whether to continue, "I'm going to miss you. Would you laugh at me?"
At first, Cassie wasn't sure he had even heard her, as there was no response, but after a moment, a moment that felt almost too long, his head turned towards her, and their eyes met. Though she had looked into his eyes a hundred times over the last two weeks, it felt as if she hadn't truly seen them until now. The way he looked at her, so warm, so intense, it almost took her breath away.
"I would never laugh at you." His voice was filled with such sincerity as he spoke, and she knew that he meant every word. "I might sometimes laugh because of you because frankly you make me laugh, but I would never make you feel as if I was mocking you or that you can't tell me things because I might laugh at you. But if it makes you feel any better, I know that I'm going to miss you."
Her eyes widened, though she couldn't help but find relief in his words. "Really?"
"We've been together every day for the last two weeks. How can I not?" Rabastan chuckled as if finding some amusement from the conversation.
Her lips curled up in a grateful smile; she wasn't sure if he knew but somehow hoped he would notice it. It was strange, for the last two weeks they had seen each other every day, spoken to each other every day, and now she was going back to school, where the next few months would be filled with more studying and training for both the exams and the final quidditch matches. The chances of seeing him again before summer vacation were slim, not just because she was busy but also because he was sure his mother would put him in some use for wedding preparations. They did have the mirrors, though, but it wasn't quite the same.
"Are you going back to the cottage tomorrow or back to the manor?" The question left her as she turned her eyes back to the horizon, raising the teacup to her lips, letting the warm, comforting taste linger in her mouth.
"I'm not sure yet. I suppose I have to stop by the manor. If it were up to me, I would go to the cottage and stay there, forever."
"Would you mind if I'd join you?" She asked jokingly, smiling as she heard a soft laugh from him.
"That would be something, wouldn't it? The two of us disappearing completely, going in hiding, living off the grid up in the highlands." He laughed, "Can't imagine our parents being pleased.
"That's debatable, although the planning for the wedding would have been for naught, at least we would have been together. That ought to count for something."
"Somehow, I wouldn't be surprised if they cared more about the wedding than the two of us."
Cassie burst out laughing. It was terrible, it truly was, but somehow she couldn't help but find it somewhat funny. She laughed for a moment before letting it die when the soft light rose over the horizon.
As the sun ascended between the glittering hills, the sky was filled with color. In some ways, it reminded her of that morning when she sat in the bathtub staring out the small window, watching as the colors drifted across the morning sky. Though It reminded her, she found that it was nowhere near as beautiful or as breathtaking it had been at the cottage.
"It's beautiful." He breathed out. It was beautiful, not just the sun or the skies, but this, this moment here was beautiful too.
"It is." She agreed. Whether it was a burst of courage or if Rabastan had poured something in her tea, she wasn't sure, but suddenly she placed her cold hand on his. Only his was much warmer than hers.
"Maybe I should get you some proper mittens as a wedding gift." He joked lightly. "With hands like these, you need it."
"Hands like these," She chuckled. " what does that mean?"
"They are small, delicate, and soft." With each word, his hand turned a little until their palms touched, just like they had that night when they were laying in the blankets underneath the stars. She felt just how much larger his palm was than hers, how much longer his fingers were, and how his skin felt slightly rougher, and suddenly as their fingers intertwined, Cassie felt as if she couldn't breathe.
It was as if all the air suddenly disappeared from her body, but it wasn't uncomfortable, not really. Although she couldn't breathe, there was another feeling lingering in the pit of her stomach, one that she was unable to identify, that made up for the loss of air. It felt as if that feeling made everything worth it. She just didn't know what it was.
"I'm going to miss you." He whispered, squeezing her hand gently as he looked ahead. Almost as if he was afraid that if he spoke too loud, whatever this was, whatever moment that currently laid between the two of them would disappear.
She looked at him for a moment, studying his face as he gazed at the sunrise. Suddenly his head turned again, and their eyes met, and Cassie couldn't do anything but smile as she whispered back, "I'm going to miss you too," while letting her thumb trace soft circles against his own.
For the last hour, Cassie had spent the time packing her trunk. Just as she had finished placing the trunk on the floor, a soft knock appeared on the door before it opened and a face poked in.
"How's it going?" Andromeda asked as she leaned against the door opening with her arms crossed.
"Just about done. Why? Want to get rid of me?" Cassie joked.
Andromeda rolled her eyes, but the smile on her face lacked the amusement she was trying to portray. "More like I'd rather you stayed."
"Try telling that to professor McGonagall when I don't arrive at Hogwarts when term starts. "She replied. "I doubt she would be very pleased with the fact that you stole her chaser."
Laughter echoed through the room, and Andromeda shook her head slightly. "I have no doubt she would halt your arse back to school. No matter what I would do to hide you." The laughed died after a moment, and silence was replaced. Andromeda lifted herself from the door and moved quietly over to the bed where Cassie was sitting.
"How are things going? I've noticed you've been a little distracted lately."
"This is all your fault." Cassie sighed loudly as she drew her fingers through her hair. "If you hadn't said anything, then I wouldn't have thought about it, and if I hadn't thought about it, this would have been so much easier."
"Bloody hell Cas, I didn't mean to rattle your mind that much."
"I know you didn't. I'm just confused. In a way, I'm glad I'm going back to school, so I don't have to deal with this." Her face was stained with a tiredness that had grown over the last few days as if she hadn't been able to sleep properly. Perhaps it seemed rude or maybe even a little selfish of her that she hoped when she arrived back at school the thoughts lingering in her mind, making her head spin, would disappear. Out of sight, out of mind, she had thought to herself a few days ago.
"Are you Cassiopeia Helia Black running away from your problems?" Andromeda said dramatically while she placed an arm on her younger cousin's shoulders.
"I'm not running." She protested, crossing her arms. However, a little voice that rang through her head said, Yes, you are.
The older woman sent her cousin a pointed look as she retorted. "You're certainly not facing anything either."
"That's because there's nothing to face. I'm just confused, that's all, you made me confused." Cassie wished she had the energy to return the look she had just received. She felt slightly drained from the hours she had been lying awake staring up at the ceiling. Not to mention how she had woken up at the crack of dawn that morning, trying to find some inner peace by watching the scenery.
It had worked, up until the moment, Rabastan had joined her. Even if it made her slightly more confused, she wouldn't have traded that moment for anything. Instead, the young girl only leaned her head against Andromeda's shoulder and let it rest there.
"I'm sorry," Andromeda chuckled lightly, finding some, even if it was really small, pleasure in her cousin's state. "But speaking of Rabastan..." A soft hum left Cassie as she felt her eyes slowly getting heavier. "Ted mentioned that he said the two of you might be able to come here for a visit sometime during the start of your vacation."
A broad smile appeared on the younger's face. "He really said that?"
"He did." Andromeda couldn't help but smile as she heard the rising joy as Cassie spoke. "Why don't you take a nap? I'll wake you up for dinner, okay?"
Cassie only managed to nod as the overwhelming feeling of sleep crept up on her, and she managed to lift her head from Andromeda's shoulder and lay on her back before the darkness overtook her.
The familiar smell that filled Cassie's nose the moment she stepped out of the barrier made her lips curl up in a smile as she took in the view of the crowded platform of 9 3/4. It was strange, just how, after all these years, the view of the crowded platform whenever a new term would start still filled her stomach with a giddy feeling.
"I think I saw James somewhere. I'll see you in the compartment?" Sirius turned to his sister as he spoke.
She smiled at him and nodded, "Tell James I said hi."
Sirius couldn't help but shake his head, letting a laugh slip past his lips as he started backing away, "You'll be seeing him shortly."
"You know how lousy his memory can sometimes be." She laughed, "Just in case." Her eyes followed her brother's figure as he slipped past two third years and disappeared into the deep crowd.
"He seems eager to go back."
Cassie's smile widened as she gazed up at the man next to her. "He missed playing pranks with the boys. Also, I think he wanted to give us some time to say goodbye." She turned to face him and noticed from the corner of her eye that a few students had stopped to look at them. "I'm starting to think you were right when you said that some people would recognise you."
His eyes glid quickly over their surroundings catching the three Slytherin students he recognised that were a year or two younger than him. "It seems we have gotten an audience. I noticed Regulus, though. He just stepped into the train with Rosier."
"Thank you." She smiled sweetly, glad to know that her brother had gotten here alright.
"It's going to be strange, isn't it? Not seeing each other every day." His voice was soft as he spoke, causing her to nod. It was going to be strange, and though she wouldn't admit it, a small selfish part of her almost looked forward to it, just for the chance to perhaps get him off her mind.
But the larger, the honest if not scared part of her couldn't help but speak up. "It is." She paused briefly, "I am truly going to miss you." Her hand took his, just like she had when they had watched the sunrise.
Rabastan seemed surprised for a moment as if the fact that she held his hand in public somehow blew his mind. He looked down at her long enough for her to send him another sweet smile before he pulled her towards him and wrapped his other arm around her shoulder. "I miss you too." He whispered into her hair as if he had already started to miss her.
"Rabastan..." She felt the rumble of his strong body before the soft hum of his voice reached her ears. "People might be staring."
His arm tightened around her shoulders as he pulled her closer, causing her face to flush furiously at his low voice. "Let them."
The familiar tingling in her stomach appeared with those words, the same feeling she had that day out in the snow. The same unknown and frustrating feeling, though it scared her more than it frustrated her.
Though just for a moment, a moment of weakness she would tell herself later, her eyes closed, and her arm went to his waist, letting herself be pulled closer to him if that was possible. She could count the number of hugs they had shared on one hand, but this, a shiver appeared as his breath hit the base of her neck, had to be one of the best.
After a moment, Cassie pulled away with her face fuming with warmth while she looked into his eyes properly for the last time in a while.
"Promise me you'll write." He pleaded, still holding her hand, running his thumb over her knuckles.
"I promise." She smiled at him, letting her hand fall from his. "Good luck with our parents, write whenever you want to complain."
"You better be ready for a letter every day then." Rabastan joked, his smile widening at the sound of her laugh.
"Take care," her eyes lingered on his face as if to memorize it for an intimate moment when she would cave in and let the thought of him rattle her mind.
"You too."
She gave him a final look before turning around, making her way over to the train. As she waited for a first-year to walk up the small stairs, Cassie caved and turned her head, locking eyes with the dark-haired man still standing where they had parted. When their eyes met, a soft smile immediately blossomed on his face, one which she returned. When she turned her head back, the first year was gone, letting her take the final steps onto the Hogwarts express.
As Cassie maneuvered through the crowded hallway, she passed Regulus's compartment sending him a quick smile as they locked eyes through the open door.
When she passed the sixth compartment on her way, she started counting down each time she passed another.
Five.
Four.
The sound of some younger girls squealing was heard, causing Cassie to shake her head while smiling.
Three.
Two.
The door slid opened just as she passed it, and a dark-skinned girl poked her head out, scanning the corridor before pulling her head back in and closed the door.
One
Her feet came to a halt at the door that would have been zero if she had continued counting. There was no squealing coming from behind the door but rather a familiar voice that laughed rather loudly, causing Cassie to smile.
Her hand grabbed the handle turning it before yanking the door open. Suddenly five heads turned to face her, and before she was able to comprehend what happened, a red blur shot up and almost tackled her.
"Holy merlin Lily," Cassie cried as she struggled to keep not only herself but also Lily both balanced and on their feet.
"How was it? How did it go? Tell me everything." The redhead let go of her best friend and placed her hands on the older girl's shoulders as she ushed out the words.
Cassie couldn't help but raise a brow at the girl before shooting the remaining four boys a look.
"Okay.. who propped her full of sugar?"
"Don't look at us," James held up his hands, "she was like that when we arrived."
"How much coffee did you have today?" She asked, looking at Lily, who only winced at the look.
"A bit..."
"And did you get some sleep, or did you fill your entire sleepless body with more coffee than you should have?"
Lily looked away, not wanting to meet her gaze, and instead sat down in her previous seat next to James. "Eh... I might have been a little bit too excited to see you all again, so I couldn't really sleep that well. Though you can't blame me entirely." Suddenly she pointed at James, whose eyes immediately found the floor more interesting. "This one here sent me a letter around midnight. I couldn't exactly not answer him, could I?"
"You couldn't have waited until you met her, James?" Cassie fought hard to bite back the teasing grin, not wanting to make it any sort of uncomfortable between her two friends.
Cassie moved through the number of feet planted on the floor and made her way to her assigned seat. The same seat she had for the last six years, the left side windows seat. The moment she sat down next to her brother, he bumped his elbow gently into her arm and pointed out the window as he earned her attention.
What she saw almost made her stop breathing. Rabastan was still there, standing just where she had left him waiting for the train to leave the station, though with the angle she was looking from, she was sure he couldn't see her. Another realization made her freeze.
"You saw us didn't you?" Cassie whispered to her brother.
"Only me. The others were too occupied to notice." A gentle smile caressed his face, no trace of the usual amusement or mischievous look he usually bore. Though something else, something that Cassie couldn't quite read, that lingered.
"Notice what?" Peter piped up, earning the attention of all of them.
Remus, who had been buried in a rather thick book, simply looked up with a shit-eating grin on his face as he pointed outside. "Him."
Peter, James, and lily all but pressed their faces to the window, which looked almost comical since they were all seated on the same side of the compartment.
"Who?" Lily muttered as her eyes flew over the platform at a rapid speed.
"Him!" James exclaimed, pointing to the window in the direction Rabastan was standing.
"Rabastan's here?" Peter asked, surprised as he leaned back in his seat, though he shot another look outside to make sure he didn't imagine it.
Cassie turned to her brother, surprised painted on her features. "You didn't tell them?"
"I figured something like this might happen." He sighed. "Thanks, Moony."
"I'm sorry, Cas, I thought they knew. Besides, I could already see on your face that you were dying to say it." He replied to the boy next to him.
Sirius held his stare for a moment before a wide grin tugged his mouth. "Okay, I can't completely deny that." he chuckled.
"He followed you here?" Lily turned from the window with wide eyes.
Cassie glanced at her twin for a moment before she answered. "Actually, he brought us here."
Lily scrunched her nose in confusion as she sat back down in her seat closest to the door. "Both of you? I thought Sirius was with James."
"He was..." it suddenly just occurred to her how uninformed Lily was. They had exchanged a few letters, but after Rabastan and her had left the manor and traveled to the cottage before going to Andromeda and Ted, Cassie had been so overwhelmed with everything that the thought of writing simply slipped her mind.
"There's a lot to fill you in on." Just as she spoke, the train started moving as the clock struck eleven. Her eyes flickered out the window, quickly meeting Rabastan's as they passed him long enough for Cassie to send him a wave along with a smile.
Even as the train left the station, his face was plastered in her mind, annoyingly so. She turned to her friends and started filling them in on what had happened over the two weeks. Though consciously leaving out the fact she had been living with death eaters and any moments with Rabastan that had made her head spin.
"Wait, so his mom paid for your wedding dress?"
Cassie nodded at Lily's shocked expression. "Trust me when I say my mother did not like that one bit."
"Oh, I believe you. I'm more surprised that your mother actually let Rabastan's mother pay for it." The red-haired replied.
Sirius leaned back in his seat, stealing a piece of the chocolate that Remus was currently enjoying, earning a small glare from the prefect. "Well, from what I've heard, the two of them are about equally stubborn, so I can only imagine that it wouldn't have ended well."
Cassie nodded along to what her brother said. "Oh, I almost forgot." She suddenly said, remembering the piece of paper in her pocket that she had with her since leaving the manor. "I managed to take a picture of it, I showed it to Andromeda, and she loved it."
She pulled out the photo and studied it carefully, drinking in all the details of the dress before smiling fondly. She turned the photo to Sirius, who took it from her hand.
"Let me see." Remus leaned his head closer, letting his chin rest on Sirius's shoulder as his eyes landed on the picture. His eyes widened while an approving smile made its way to his face. "I can understand why Rabastan's mother wanted to buy it. It looks beautiful."
Sirius didn't say anything as he let Remus take the photo out of his hand and gave it to Lily, who was almost bursting with curiosity.
"Oh, Cassie, it's absolutely beautiful." Lily beamed, lifting her gaze from the dress, meeting her friend's brown eyes. She handed the photo to James, biting down on her lower lip as his fingers brushed over hers for a moment.
James leaned closer to Peter, holding the picture in front of them so they would be able to look at it together.
"It looks almost like magic," Peter commented in awe. There was a hum of agreement from James as he nodded eagerly.
A smile tugged on the corner of Cassie's mouth, though the lack of response from a certain boy made her turn her gaze to her brother, who seemed to be lost in a rather deep trail of thoughts. "Are you okay?" She nudged him, gently breaking him out of his deep thoughts.
He hummed softly but stayed quiet for a moment. Just as Cassie was about to open her mouth and ask him again, a deep sigh filled the compartment earning the attention of not just Cassie but also the other four students. Sirius ran his fingers through his hair, leaning his head back and closing his eyes.
"It's beautiful, it is, and I'm certain that you will look beautiful, but that's the thing, isn't it... I won't know."
"Sirius..." She trailed off, not quite knowing how to say what she really wanted, so instead, she took his hand and squeezed it gently. She knew how he was feeling, or at least to some degree, recalling how she had felt when trying on wedding dresses a week ago when it dawned on her that her real family wouldn't be there.
"I know," She held onto his hand, "I know how your thinking. But I want you to know that it is not my wedding, that is my mother and Cerys's wedding. And someday, I don't know when but someday you will walk me down that aisle. And all of you will be there." Her eyes wandered around the compartment taking in the sullen faces of her friends that had appeared when her brother had started talking.
As he opened his eyes, she saw an indescribable amount of sadness swirling in them along with something that almost seemed like guilt.
"If it wasn't for me, then you might have-"
"Don't you dare finish that sentence, Sirius Orion Black." Cassie said sternly, "None of this is your fault. Both you and I knew that the chances of it happening was high; even if you had stayed, it wouldn't have made a difference."
"Maybe not, but I would have been there. I would have been able to see my sister get married."
Remus laid a hand on Sirius's shoulder, causing the older boy to lean slightly towards him.
"I promise you, when the day of my wedding comes, you will be walking me down the aisle, and reading that stupid speech I know you have been working on since we were fourteen." Her hand squeezed his as she smiled brightly at him. Whether it would happen or not, she had no chance of knowing, but just the thought of a wedding with all of them there was enough to make her both smile and cry.
His eyes had grown teary as she spoke, but he willed himself not to let any of them fall. He moved his hand from hers before raising it towards her again with his little finger stretched out. "Promise?"
Cassie smiled amusingly at her brother, and a small part of her wanted to laugh as she studied his pinky. Instead, she hooked her finger to his and moved her hand slightly so their thumbs met. "Twin promise."
"Awe." Lily couldn't help but coo at the two, though quickly slapped a hand over her mouth as she hadn't intended on actually making any noise. The two twins looked at her before an almost identical smile spread across their faces, one quite similar to the ones bore by the three other marauders. "I'm sorry."
"It's fine." Cassie laughed.
After the trio had finished looking at the photo, James handed it back to Cassie. Her eyes lingered shortly as she traced the lines with her eyes. One day, one day, they were all going to be there. She didn't care if she had to marry Rabastan twice. She was going to have a wedding with her family if she so had to drag every one of them there.