Abby sat on the bed in Jane’s room a couple minutes after Harper’s mom left the room. She wasn’t sure what to expect but now that she was here there really was no going back. Her short alone time gave her room to think and that was the last thing she wanted. Just within the past day she had been reminded of her past.
Harper had mentioned it in the car on the ride over, Jane’s sister had brought it up, her dad, and her mom, Tipper, brought it up twice. Sometimes it was easy to think about them there really wasn’t a day when she didn’t but now with the holidays and them being brought up too much it was hard not to go there. Her parents.
Abby repeated the short conversation she’d had just minutes ago with Harper’s mom in her head:
I was nineteen when my parents died.
Oh, one of the lucky ones.
Well.
It bothered Abby a little at how insensitive Tipper had been but at the same time not really. They had just met so how could she know anything about her let alone her past? She couldn’t really blame her on that one.
Harper came downstairs and found her in the room.
“You okay down here,” asked Harper.
“Yeah no this is great.”
“Sorry about this. I was kind of hoping we could share my room.”
“I know but it’s fine really.” Harper noticed the dead silence for a second and the look on Abby’s face.
“What’s wrong?”
Abby smiled, “Nothing.”
Harper reached out and held Abby’s hand. “You know we don’t have to go to this dinner. We could do something else. I mean I know this whole thing with dad is important but I also promised you a great Christmas.”
“It’s fine, I don’t mind going.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure. It will kind of give me a chance to know your parents.”
“Well okay. I guess I’ll see you in a bit.”
Abby nodded. With no one else in the room Harper leaned over and placed a kiss on Abby’s cheek.
“I love you,” she said to Abby.
“I love you,” Abby repeated.
Reluctantly Harper let go of Abby’s hand and made her way back upstairs. Once she was gone Abby took a deep breath and sighed. Yes she was a bad liar as Harper pointed out but this one had been easy. She was used to playing the subject close to the vest. She hadn’t even shared her story with girlfriend’s past. John knew a little more than Harper did but not by much. It was just something she never really talked about. After all of these years it still pained her to do so. She gathered herself. She was not about to cry, at least not yet, not ever she hoped at least not on this trip.
*****
Over dinner Abby realized she had not had a family dinner in years. It had certainly been a new first for her. As she looked over at Harper’s family she couldn’t help but wonder about her own parents. Would they approve of Harper? Would they approve of her family? Would they be okay with her just being happy? All of these thoughts rummaged through Abby’s mind. She tried to focus in on the conversations, smiled when she needed to but that was about all. Part of it was an act, another part wasn’t. She genuinely wanted to be in the present with Harper and her family but she couldn’t help but think back to her past either.
*****
“Cheers,” said Abby and her parents as they sat at dinner clinking their glasses.
Abby was seventeen.
“What are we celebrating?” Abby asked.
Her mom smiled, “your dad just got tenure so this is definitely something to celebrate. Congratulations honey.”
“Thank you, thank you,” said her dad, “and to my two favorite girls. I love you both so thank you for supporting me.”
“Always, dad,” Abby said with a smile.
*****
Harper looked over at Abby and smiled. Abby looked and smiled back but Harper could tell it was forced which caused Harper some great concern. Her family may not have picked up on it but Harper knew Abby’s tells since they’d been together for a little over a year.
*****
Later that evening when Harper came into the room to say goodnight to Abby she closed the door when her mom left.
“Tonight wasn’t the best,” Harper said to her.
“No but we got through it.”
“You know you’re right, you are really good with parents.”
Abby tensed. She tried not to show it but it was too late.
“So are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”
“It’s nothing.”
Harper came over and took a seat. “It’s not nothing. Abby, I know you, talk to me what’s going on?”
Abby shook her head. “I was just thinking about my parents tonight that’s all.”
“I am so sorry, Abby. Maybe coming here was a bad idea, it’s probably reminding you of all sorts of things.”
“No it’s okay. I’m glad you did, it’s nice meeting them.”
“You know you never really talk about them. We’ve been together a long while and I rarely hear you share any stories or anything really.”
“Not many stories to tell.”
“Come on, I’m sure there are. Like tonight, what was that?”
“What was what?”
“The look on your face and don’t tell me it was nothing.”
“There’s nothing to tell, really. I thought about them for a second that’s all, no big deal.”
“Abby come on it is a big deal.”
“Will you just drop it,” Abby said getting defensive. Harper was a little thrown back by her comment. Abby shook her head. “I’m sorry. I’m uh…I’m kind of tired.”
“Yeah, okay,” Harper said deciding not to push it any further. “I love you,” she said as she patted Abby’s knee.
“I love you, too,” said Abby.
“Goodnight,” Harper said as she got up to leave.
“’Night.”
Abby sighed when Harper left the room and closed the door behind her. Once in bed she turned to her left side. She would not think of her parents tonight, not anymore.
*****
The next morning everyone was in the kitchen. Sloane was busy at the stove finishing up snowman pancakes for her twins. She and Harper were arguing. Harper then looked at Abby who once again had on her fake smile.
Harper mouthed silently, ‘You okay?’
Abby just nodded.
After a few more good morning exchanges when her dad, Ted, came into the kitchen and making plans for the day with her sisters, Harper looked over to where Abby was sitting.
“Abby can I talk to you for a second?”
Abby looked around the room and her family was all looking at the two of them. She then focused on Harper.
“Sure,” Abby said as she got up and followed Harper into the living room. “Everything okay?”
“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”
“Meaning what?” Abby said as she tried not to get defensive again.
“Nothing. Look I was up thinking last night and I know I said I’d tell my parents after the holidays but what would you think about me telling them sooner?”
“Are you serious?”
“Yeah. I just don’t want there to be any surprises and I want to be completely out in the open with you. You know I just think it would probably be easier if they know the truth.”
“But what about your plans, your dad and everything?”
“I don’t care what they think. I only care about you,” Harper said as she placed her hand on Abby’s cheek. “If I have you that’s all I need. I want to do this, please.”
Abby smiled and nodded. Harper smiled back.
“Harper,” Jane called out, “Are you ready to…”
Before Harper could remove her hand her two sister’s came into the room and noticed the action. Abby took a step back and placed her hands in her pockets.
“Wow,” said Sloane, “so you were lying to us.”
“I wasn’t lying,” said Harper.
“Sure looks like that too me.”
“Sloane please, I’m planning to tell mom and dad about this later okay?”
“When, we have that dinner tonight.”
“Which I’m not going,” said Harper.
“What do you mean you’re not going?”
Harper looked over at Abby. “We have plans tonight.”
“Harper-,” said Abby.
“It’s okay,” said Harper. There will always be other dinners. I want to spend my week with you.”
“Just how serious are you two?” Sloane asked.
“Does it matter,” asked Jane, “you two look so cute together. I don’t care when you tell mom and dad. I’ve got your back.”
“Thank you, Jane,” said Harper.
Sloane sighed, “fine, I do to but only because you’re not the only one with a secret.”
“Wait,” said Jane, “what’s your secret?”
“Now is not the time,” said Sloane.
“Look,” said Harper, “I just need a little bit before I tell them, please?”
“Tell us what?” The girl’s dad asked as he and Tipper walked into the room.
They all looked at the parents as if they’d been caught with something.
“Tell us what?” her dad asked again. “Girl’s what’s going on?”
Harper looked over at Abby who looked at her as well. She took a deep breath and turned back to her parents.
“There’s um…there’s something I need to tell you and you might not want to hear it but I have to say it anyways.” The parents all waited. “I’m gay. I love Abby, she is the love of my life. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you guys sooner. I know how much appearances and reputation mean to you and me being gay just didn’t fit into the plan but I don’t want to hide this. It’s not fair to Abby and it’s not fair to me. I can’t throw away our life together.”
Her parents looked at her and thought about her last comment. Their life together which meant they had been together for a while now.
“I have wanted to tell you for so long,” said Harper, “I just didn’t know how and I was too afraid. I’m done being afraid. I have to be who I really am.” Harper turned to look at Abby, “I love you.”
The room went dead silent. Ted was the first one to leave as he retreated to his office. Tipper wasn’t sure what to do so she followed him.
Jane smiled slightly, “Don’t worry about them, I’m sure they’ll be fine. Come on we should go. We need to have some fun.”
Harper wasn’t sure about that now that she had outed herself but as she looked at Abby she thought about her promise. She would make sure Abby had a great Christmas. She took her hand and smiled. Abby smiled back.
*****
On the drive over to the ice rink, Abby looked out of the window. Her mind drifted. She wasn’t trying to think much about them but it was kind of hard not to. She thought back to when she’d come out to her parents. Abby was fourteen.
*****
“It’s a great poem,” said her mom one night as she placed a pile of clean clothes on Abby’s bed. She was at her desk doing her homework when she turned to look at her. Her mom was holding a piece of folded paper.
Abby tensed. “Where did you get that?”
“I was doing some laundry and it fell out of your pocket,” she said as she took a seat on the bed.
“You shouldn’t have read it,” Abby said looking down and feeling ashamed.
“Honey whatever is going on you can tell me.”
“There’s nothing to tell. It was an assignment for class but I changed my mind.”
“This isn’t about a boy is it?”
“Mom-,”
“It’s okay if it’s not. Abigail I’ve know since you were twelve years old.”
“Know what?”
“That you were gay. Honey, it’s okay. I just want you to be happy that’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.”
Tears were welling in Abby’s eyes. “Mom please, you can’t tell dad.”
“It’s okay. He already knows.”
“He what?”
“He’s known just as long as I have.”
Her dad stood at the door and walked in. “It is okay, sweetheart. We don’t love you any less.”
“He’s right,” said her mom.
“I’m sorry,” Abby said.
Her dad looked at her, “for what?”
“For not being the daughter you wanted.”
“Are you kidding,” said her dad, “you are exactly who we wanted. Gay or straight it doesn’t matter to us. Look if you have any girlfriends down the road then they are always welcome to the house. No judgement.”
“You mean it?”
“Yes,” said her mom. “We love you, Abby, no matter what.”
For the first time since their conversation Abby smiled.
*****
“Abby,” said Harper, “Abby?”
Abby was brought back from her memory.
“We’re here.”
“Right.”
“Where did you drift off to?”
“Nowhere.”
Harper knew that wasn’t true but after last night she decided not to push. They were supposed to be having a good time now and Harper wanted to make sure that whatever was going on with Abby that she would.
“You having fun,” Harper asked as she and Abby were skating in the rink. She was holding onto Abby since she’d never really skated before.
“Yeah this is great.”
“Are you sure?”
Abby smiled, “I’m with you.”
“Yeah but I guess what I meant was if this has changed your mind about Christmas yet?”
“It’s kind of too soon to tell on that one.”
Harper laughed, “Okay, okay. Well I am going to get you to like Christmas one way or another.”
“Good luck with that.”
“Oh just you wait.”
*****
“Sorry about this,” Harper said when she, Abby and her family were all standing near the balcony of the country club.
“It’s okay,” said Abby.
“I tried to get out of this but dad was pretty persistent.”
“Baby, it’s fine. I know how important this is so it’s okay, really.”
“I’ll make it up to you, I promise.” Abby nodded. “In the meantime would you mind staying with me tonight? I’d hate to leave you alone.”
“You don’t mind?”
“Not at all.”
So that’s what Abby did. She proudly stood by Harper the rest of the night and though she was introduced as Harper’s friend to some prominent donor’s and higher up’s she didn’t mind that aspect.
After taking a breather Harper squealed as some girl’s came over to her.
“Abby, this is Kelly and Ashley. Guys, this is Abby.”
They only nodded but weren’t really interested.
“Wow,” Connor said as he came up to them, “Am I in high school again or what?”
Kelly laughed while the other’s didn’t.
“Hey Harper,” said Connor, “can I talk to you for a minute?”
“Sure. Will you be okay?” Harper asked.
Not wanting to seem insensitive Abby replied, “I’ll be fine.”
“Okay, I’ll be right back.”
“Oh my god,” Kelly said to Ashley, “he is still totally into her.”
“Most definitely,” Ashley replied.
Once they were alone Connor looked at Harper and smiled, “Was it just me or did you seem surprised to see me last night?”
“Yeah it kind of threw me off guard a little.”
“Sorry about that, it’s just that your mom invited me and I didn’t want to say no.”
“It’s fine.”
“I did have fun last night though. I was thinking maybe we could hang out again sometime. You know you could bring your roommate-,”
“Abby.”
“Right, Abby. You know we could all go out, have some fun.”
“I don’t know about that.”
“Oh come on, why not?”
“I just promised Abby we’d be spending the week together.”
“You can’t just hang out for one night?”
“I’ll think about it, okay? Like I said I have plans with Abby and-,”
“And why am I suddenly getting the feeling that you’re ditching me for your roommate? I mean what’s the deal, is she more important or something?”
“Actually she is. Look I’m just going to come out and say it okay?”
“Say what?”
“Abby’s my girlfriend.”
“I’m sorry, you’re girl…you’re girlfriend, as in-,”
“As in I’m gay, Connor.”
Connor placed his hands in his pockets, “uh, wow. That’s um, that’s a new one. So what is this like a recent thing or?”
“I’ve always been gay.”
“So that thing with us in high school-,”
“Was complicated. I did care about you, I still do.”
“You just weren’t in love with me, I get it.”
“Yeah. Look, um, I should get back.”
Connor just nodded. He didn’t know what else to say so Harper left.
When Harper returned she smiled at Abby.
“Hey, do you want to get some fresh air? I could sure use some.”
“Sure,” Abby replied.
“I’ll see you guys later,” said Harper to her friends. Before they could say a word the couple walked out.
“What was that about,” Kelly asked.
“I know right, did you see how they were looking at each other?” asked Ashley.
*****
“Nice night,” said Harper.
“It is now.”
Harper and Abby smiled. Harper then wrapped her arms around Abby and kissed her cheek. Abby laughed.
“You really want to do this now?”
“I don’t care when. Heck I don’t care if anyone see’s.”
Abby looked up at Harper, “You’re really going all in on this aren’t you?”
“No more secrets,” Harper replied, “no more hiding. I’ll shout it from the rooftops if I have to at just how much I love you.”
“From the rooftops hu? Then I’m right there with you.”
*****
The next morning Harper shook Abby awake. The two of them were now sharing Harper’s bed. Since she’d come out there was no reason for Abby to stay down in the basement.
“Abby?”
Abby jolted. Tears were streaming down her face.
“What’s wrong?”
With her hands Abby wiped away her tears.
“It’s nothing.”
“You were having a nightmare and you’re crying, it’s not nothing.”
What was the point, Abby wondered. She had to tell her. Christmas Eve was coming up tomorrow so why hide it from the person she loved? Abby sat on the side of the bed and had her back towards Harper. She sighed.
“Can we talk about it later tonight?”
“Sure.”
Abby kept her gaze forward. The nightmare wasn’t really a nightmare, not if you wanted to call it that. It was more of a memory. One in particular that she hated to think about and one she wished she could just wish away but it was hard not to especially this time of year.
*****
That day Harper and Abby spent it together completely. Harper had taken Abby into town to help her get a white elephant gift for the party tomorrow, a party that her parents threw every year. They gone to dinner. Harper had passed by the local bar which she and her friends always hung out at. She saw them in there but didn’t once think about joining them. She knew they saw her holding hands with Abby but didn’t care.
Later on as they were getting ready for bed Harper took a deep breath and closing the door she finally asked, “So are you going to tell me what’s been going on with you? You’ve been kind of off since we got here. I thought you wanted to come.”
“No I did, it’s just been a bit harder than I thought.”
“What has?”
“Being here. I’m sorry I’m being a downer I just can’t help but ever since I got here, meeting your family, this time of year it’s got me thinking about them all of the time now.”
“Your parents.” Abby nodded. “You never really talk about them and when I try to bring them up you dismiss it.”
“I know. It’s just hard to talk about.”
“Maybe if you talk about it, it’ll help. You can always talk to me about anything, I mean it.”
“Okay,” Abby finally said. “You know how I said I’m not a big Christmas person?” Harper nodded. “It’s because of them. My parents loved Christmas. We would do everything, the lights on the house, a big Christmas tree, bake cookies, all of it. My dad would sit by the fire, we’d have hot chocolate and he’d always read the same Christmas stories, every year.”
“Sounds nice.”
“It was. When I was nineteen it was just me at the house when a cop came to the door. He told me there had been an accident and then proceeded to take me to the hospital. I remember seeing white sheets covered over both of them. They’d put their beds together so that I could see them together. I’d never been more terrified or broken in my entire life.”
By this time Abby was starting to cry. “It was Christmas Eve. They um, they were coming home from a Christmas party at work. A guy ran a stop sign. He wasn’t even drunk, it was just an accident. My mom and dad died on impact.”
Harper placed a hand on top of Abby’s. “Why didn’t you ever tell me this?”
“Because it’s something I don’t like to remember. Every Christmas Eve and Christmas I’m reminded of what happened. It’s been years and I try to get over it and I try to move on but there are moments when it seeps in and I’m right back there.”
“I don’t think you ever get over something like that. Abby, you were nineteen so of course it makes sense that you would still think about it. I’m sorry, had I known I could have made this easier on you.”
“No you already have. I’ve been having a lot of fun. If anything I’m sorry that I’ve been such a downer.”
“Well now it makes sense but don’t worry about it. I get it now. Still, I do wish you would’ve told me sooner.”
“I know. It’s just one of those things that is hard to talk about with anyone.”
“I’m not anyone.” Abby nodded. “I’m serious. Whatever it is you’re going through you can always talk to me.” Again Abby nodded. Harper could see how painful this all was for her. How it wasn’t easy. She glad Abby was finally opening up to her. “Hey come here,” Harper said as she brought in Abby for a hug. Abby hung on tightly as tears streamed down.
None of this had been what she expected. The holidays were tough to be sure but she’d always done what she could not to show it. With Harper though she was glad to be opening up. They’d been together a year and Harper was right, she didn’t talk much about her parents. It was just a subject she didn’t like to bring up because she knew if she did she would only break. As it was the other night at dinner it had been so hard to keep in her feelings when she talked about her parents and wanting to follow in their footsteps.
“Thank you,” Abby said to Harper.
“I’m always here for you, Abby, always.”
When the two of them pulled apart Abby smiled and wiped at her tears.
“You know despite all of this I think I just might start liking Christmas again.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I’ve got you.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
The two of them leaned in softly for a kiss. Abby would be okay. She finally knew that now in a way that she hadn’t been in a very long time. Harper had brought her home for the holidays and Abby was grateful. She hadn’t realized how hard it would be but at least she had had Harper and that was all she needed. She could get through all of it. The burden she carried for so long now felt lighter. She was glad to be here and glad to be with Harper. They still had a couple days left of their holiday but now, though she was enjoying herself already, she would be able to fully enjoy it and that’s what mattered.