redamancy

Charlie wakes alone, she's confused for a moment but then she remembers the night before.

"Fuck!" She shouts, needing to let out the pent up emotion from last night. But she treats it like any other day. She gets up, has a shower and sorts through her drawers for some clothes, she digs her hand through a drawer and finds the ring box. What was she going to do with that now?

Alex greets her in the parking lot, coffee in hand. "No Addison?"

"No, I think we broke up last night?"

"Oh shit."

"She got angry at me for not thinking about my actions, she thought I was willing to throw my life away. She wants me to care that I died on the table."

"I can sort of see where she's coming from Charlie."

"Who's side are you on here?"

"I'm just saying. Have you thought that maybe going back into therapy might help? I know you haven't been since your dad, but a lot of stuff has happened since. Your OD, Dani's death and now this? Perhaps you should open up and talk before you break." He places a hand on her lower back and rubs gentle circles. Charlie nods her head, perhaps it was time.

She manages to get an appointment with the therapist in the hospital, after her interns. So she can at least talk about how fucked up she is after she passes.

Addison, Mark, Derek, Burke, Callie and Bailey gather in the ER.

"They paged you guys too? What's happened?"

"Search and rescue found some lost climbers who were up on Mount Rainier. It's not good."

"People, the climbers are on their way."

"Any specifics?" Derek asks, crossing his arms. 

"They found only three so far. One's still missing. They're reporting severe dehydration with traumatic head and chest injuries. Dr Bailey, Dr Torres, you'll be my trauma team." Richard directs to his attending's.

"Bad day not to have interns." Bailey points out.

"What?" Mark asks confused.

"Today's the intern exam," Addison says, her eyes fixed on the floor, arms crossed.

"You'll all have to do your own heavy lifting today. And if you see an intern, which you will, because they can't help themselves, turn them away until after the exam. The ambulances are five minutes away. It's time to do what we do best, people. Let's roll." Richard says and heads to the ER entrance.

"What's up with you?" Callie says nudging Addison.

"I broke it off with Charlie last night."

"Really?" Addison nods her head and Callie wraps an arm around her friend's shoulders.

*

"We're supposed to be studying. If Bailey finds out we're down here..." Izzie says standing behind the glass watching inside the ER room.

"We are studying. How do you treat frostbite? Anyone?" Cristina asks, her hands behind her back, taking an interest in what is happening

"Re-warm, avoid early surgery unless there's a deep infection due to auto-amputation," George says confidently.

"See? Studying." Cristina smiles at Izzie and they go back to watching.

"Can we just do this fucking test already," Charlie says to Alex as they join their intern friends and stare through the glass

"I'm sure you could talk to the Chief; he could give you some extra time?" He says standing next to her

"What's happened?"

"Addison broke it off."

"What!" They say in unison.

"Can we not talk about it."

*

"Addison." Someone calls her name, she turns and spots Joe and his boyfriend Walter.

"Yes? Oh, Joe, Walter. What are you guys doing here? Everything okay?" She smiles and approaches them.

"Yeah, we came to see you, actually." Walter smiles and squeezes his boyfriend's hand.

"Uh, we need a consult," Joe adds with a small smile.

"Don't tell me you're pregnant," Addison says jokily.

"Uh, no, but...our birth mom is." Joe smiles at her.

"Potential birth mom." Walter corrects him.

"She hasn't actually picked us yet."

"You're adopting?" Addison smiles at her friend but her heart tugs at the thought of Charlie and the children that might have been

"Well, we applied, but we never thought we'd get picked. You know, bar-owning gays don't get picked very often."

"I guess having a baby is easier than we thought." They smile and Walter turns to his boyfriend.

"Yeah, I guess so." Addison smiles sadly at her friends.

"So I was hoping you could take a look at her? You know, kicking the tires, checking underneath the hood?" Joe asks with a shaky voice.

"Car metaphors? No." His boyfriend asks, in an exasperated tone.

"I'd be happy too. Just, uh, give me a call and we'll set up an appointment, it's panic stations here today but I'll try and fit you in." Addison smiles and turns to leave.

But Joe stops her before she can go. "Well, see, that's the thing. Uh, she lives in Portland, and she's only gonna be in Seattle for one day, so..."

"She's kind of here now."

"Now, as in...," Walter and Joe step aside to reveal a pregnant woman behind them. "Now." Addison smiles and nods her head. "Give me 20 minutes."

*

They wait outside the conference room, anxiety is building and they are all nervous. Cristina advises them that if they don't know the answer to 'just write B, it's always B'."

"Okay, Doctors, please take a seat and put away any study material you have."

Charlie sits at the desk and stares at her paper. She can do this. Fuck everything that's happened in the past month, she can do this, she has to be able to do this.

"You may open your booklets..."

It's all come down to this.

"Now."

The exam passes by and even though it feels like five minutes, it's been two hours and they're let out of captivity. The interns crowd outside the hall once they've finished. All chatting about the material. Charlie exits last, she doesn't speak, she doesn't look at them, she just walks off.

"Charlie!" Meredith shouts, her calls being ignored as Charlie continued to walk.

*

"What if I've missed my chance?" Addison says to Callie, whilst scrubbing out of one of the hiker's surgeries. "To be a mom, have a big family. Derek was never going to be that for me, but what if she was. What if I just completely threw that away by being angry at her. What if that was my only chance? I've always dreamed of having kids and I just fucked it up."

"Hey, you didn't fuck it up. You can't think like that." Callie comforts her friend. "There's still a chance. You guys could always just talk. Talk about why you were angry and see if you can fix it." Callie smiles at Addison, and they bought walk out of the scrub room together.

*

"So, where do we want to start?" The therapist stares at her and crosses his legs, he taps his pen against his lip and raises an eyebrow.

"Well I just took an exam that determines the rest of my life so why don't you pick a trauma out of the lucky bag and we'll roll with it." She laughs. He looks at her and scribbles down some words.

"Do you often use humour as a coping mechanism?" He asks in a serious tone. Charlie opens her mouth, as if to say something, but shuts it and turns away. She huffs turns back to the man.

"My dad died when I was 17," She starts. The therapist waits, willing her to continue. "That was the catalyst for my life turning to shit." She talks and talks to the man, she explains about her drug habit, how she used to skip class and steal money from her mom and how she even sold her brothers laptop to get cash. She talks about Alex. About how, he's been her rock and how she destroyed their relationship, about how they were barely okay, but they were okay.

She talks about Dani, about how even though she was 17 and homeless it didn't matter because they had each other. She talks about how she died, about how she woke up on a cold December morning and found Dani dead in the seat next to her, with a needle in her arm and how she did nothing but cry. She tells him that was the moment she knew she had to go home. Her mom cried angry tears when she turned up at the door, cold and thin and barely alive but home. She cried because she wanted to be angry, wanted to scream and shout, but her baby was home, her baby who she hadn't seen in nearly a year.

"How is your relationship with your mother now?" He asks wanting her to expand on the clear relationship.

"It's good. It's great." She smiles.

"What made you turn your life around?" He asks her, adjusting himself in his seat across from her.

"When I was 18, I accidentally overdosed. My mom found me in my bedroom."

"Are you happy that you made the change?"

"Incredibly."

"What's happening in your life now, that has made you so happy?"

"I have," Charlie winces and corrects herself. "I had a girlfriend A great one, we're on a break." Charlie explains and he writes some more notes, "She pulled away from me after the incident. Then last night, it finally came to light that was angry with me for not giving a crap about what I did."

"What was she angry about?"

"That was I careless, that I was willing to throw away my life for a stranger, that I died and I don't give a crap." Charlie shrugs her shoulders.

"Did you want to end your life? Is that why you did it?"

"I did it because I'm a doctor, I help people. That woman was scared and I helped her."

"You didn't answer my question. Did you want to end your life?"

"No. I did not want to end my life. Truthfully...Emily, the woman I helped, looked a lot like my girlfriend. I couldn't stop picturing them holding a gun to her head. I wanted it to stop, I had the power to stop it, so I did." Charlie says, sitting up and puffing out her chest

He writes down some notes and smiles. "I believe our time is up, and you will be happy to know that you passed your evaluation."

"What?"

"This was also your evaluation to see if you were doing well enough to come back and you passed."

The ER is still full of people. The hikers had been rescued and operated on and were now waiting in recovery, definitely in a better condition than how they came in. She walks over to Doctor Bailey and asks if there was anything she could do.

"You're still not cleared Beck, I can't do anything."

"Oh I just had it and he passed me."

"It doesn't go through for 24 hours; therefore, you cannot be here. So go find and something to do and make yourself useful. Perhaps there's another baby in need of saving." Bailey shooed her away and she reluctantly makes her way up to Pediatrics and the NICU. The floor is quiet, so Charlie stands behind a big glass window, looking in at the babies. She stands there in silence for a few minutes just watching. Heels click down the hallway, they suddenly stop, they slowly come closer to Charlie.

"How was the exam?" Charlie feels her come and stand next to her. She doesn't face her; she keeps her eyes on the babies.

"It went okay. There was one question I wasn't really prepared for but I was pretty confident." Charlie mumbles to Addison. They stand a few inches apart, not daring to get any closer.

"That's good."

"I also had my psych eval. I passed." Charlie adds with a smile. Addison grins and nods her head.

"That's great, Charlie."

They stand in silence once again. Both of them want to say something, anything to fill the silence. Charlie finally breaks.

"Do you have time for a coffee?" She asks her and Addison's face falls. "Sorry," she realises her screw up. "Poor choice of words. I meant, do you have a minute to talk?" Addison nods her head and takes her to a meeting room just down the corridor. Addison shuts the door and Charlie takes a seat.

"I died." Charlie starts. "On the table, I died. I saw my dad, and this is going to sound crazy but he...he showed me life, without me. He showed me my funeral, he showed me you." She locks eyes with Addison. "I saw how lonely you were. How isolated you were, and I don't ever want you to feel that. Ever. I'm sorry for dying, but I am not sorry for trying to help that woman," Addison clenches her jaw. "Do you want to know why? She looked like you. She was pregnant and she looked...like you. I couldn't stop seeing you with our kid. So I snapped, I went for him. Because if it meant that I kept you and our kid; safe, I would have done anything." Charlie sighs loudly and stares at Addison. "There are lots of things that I haven't told you, and I will but I just need time. Okay?" She asks, reaching her hand across the table, holding it out for Addison. She hesitates, looking back from Charlie to her hand, but takes it.

"Okay.