The Unseen Feelings I'm Choking on
“Shit,” thought Kanade.
“What do i do..” she wracked her brain while scrunching up her hair close to her scalp. “Even if I wanted to… how would I even tell her.?” You can’t. A voice said. “How would I even break it to the rest of them.?” you won’t. The voice called out again.
Kanade’s small body began to convulse with her sobs as she cried to herself quietly, coughing in between sobs. Guilt racked through her veins, wishing she could erase what Mafuyu saw.
“She wasn’t supposed to know this. She can’t know this.” The thought repeated itself like a broken record, over and over and over in Kanade’s head, until she ended up unconscious, burning herself out with exhaustion from crying.
“y—aki–an.?” Kanade heard a soft but worried voice as she finally regained consciousness. Shit that’s right, Mochizuki-San was supposed to come over for her weekly clean of the house today.
“M… Mochizuki..-San.?” Kanade weakly asked her housekeeper, trying to sit up.
“Yes, it’s me- oh, Try not to get up too fast! You might go back out again,” Honami said with worry filling to the brim of her words.
“But..” Kanade started, sitting up slowly as Honami had suggested, “what happened.?”
“Well.. I couldn't really tell because I don't know all that much about this stuff, but it seems to have been exhaustion.. Or something respiratory, I couldn’t tell.. Are you eating enough?” Honami questioned, worry in her eyes.
“Yes- well at least i think so,” Kanade replied, swallowing hard and looking up wearily at the girl by her bedside.
Honami sighed in defeat. “Well, I think one of the best solutions would be to have someone over more than once a week..” Honami stopped for a moment and pondered. “Yoisaki-San, Do you have any friends that you think could come over?”
At that moment, fear shot through Kanade. Voice shaking, holding back a cough, Kanade replied, “n-no. please , a-anything but that..”
Clearly taken aback, Honami tried to change the subject. “Well, now that you’re awake I’m able to continue with the rest of the cleaning..” Honami said lightly, shuffling her way back through Kanade's room to get to the door.
Once Honami was out of kanade’s room and she could hear her footsteps retreating down the hall, Kanade fell back onto her pillow and let out a long sigh and closed her eyes for a bit. Yet, she didn’t fall asleep just yet again.
Kanade thought it might be worthwhile to check her phone, to see if she’d missed anyone and if anything, see the probably ungodly amount of time she’d blacked out for.
At that moment, her mouth fell agape but she closed it quickly.
Two. whole. Days. she’d been out for two fucking days. She just sat there and wondered how. How had her windpipe not been blocked off already?
Even so, She shook the thought away and she instantly hopped onto Nightcord. When she clicked onto the application on her phone, the last conversation she’d had open was Niigo's main chat, with about 99+ messages. Not surprising, really. Kanade figured that they would mostly be from Ena and Mizuki's small banters they always had.
Seeing the icons of her fellow group mates on the side, she noticed Mafuyu’s status icon next to her profile was online, so she went to their DMs to apologise.
Direct Messages: @Yuki
K: <Hey Yuki, i’m back> 3:58
K: <Sorry for being off for so long> 3:58
Yuki: <i see you’re finally back. I hope you’re well?> 3:59
Beyond the screen, Mafuyu let out a sigh of relief, for she was starting to worry even though she didn’t know what it felt like and couldn’t tell.
K: <yeah. Will you guys be on tonight?> 4:00
Yuki: <i think so. I haven’t heard much from Enanan and Amia.> 4:00
K: <i see. I’ll just go pop them a message, and i’ll talk with you later yeah?> 4:01
Yuki: <Sounds good to me.> 4:01
K: <alright> 4:02
Kanade then moved over to the group DM between Her, Ena and Mizuki.
Group DM: @Enanan @Amia
K: <@Amia @Enanan>
Amia: <oh, it’s K! Hey K!>
Enanan: < K! We were getting worried!>
K: < sorry, sorry>
K: <i was just wondering if you two would happen to be up for a meeting tonight?>
Amia: <of course i’ll be~!!>
K: <great. And you, Enanan?>
Enanan: <yep, i should be all good to join today as well.>
K: <i’m glad. I’ll see you both at 25:00 then?>
Enanan: <yep!>
Amia: <Of course~!>
With that all sorted, kanade let out a sigh of relief. She could at last finalise that demo tonight and get the other’s opinions, specifically Mafuyu’s for this one.
She gulped. “I really hope this one will be enough.. But if not, I'll just have to keep trying.”
Soon enough, it was time for Honami to leave as she had finished cleaning the selected areas for the week.
“Yoisaki-San?” Kanade heard a muffled voice coming from her door. She quickly got up and answered the door, “Yes, Mochizuki-San?”
“Ah,” Honami started as the door opened. “I made some food while I was here since I had extra time, and I was wondering if you’d like some? I understand if you don’t feel up to it yet,”
“No, I'll come,” Kanade said with a slight smile lingering on her lips, though it faded quickly when Honami turned her back.
Once they had got the food and sat down, honami asked kanade a question that had been burning since she started cleaning her house. “Yoisaki-San, do you ever clean your room or get anyone to clean it?”
Kanade shook her head, resorting to lying. “No, it’s too embarrassing, plus I don't have much time while I'm composing.”
“Ah I see..” Honami sighed. “As a matter of fact.. Would you like me to clean it?”
“No, I wouldn't want to put that work on you, especially when you've clearly got other things to worry about..” Kanade said quietly, stifling a cough.
“That’s okay. Another time, perhaps?” Honami suggested.
Kanade nodded, a soft sigh or relief escaping her lips.
“All right. Well, i’m done for the day, so i’ll see you next week, Yoisaki-San!” Honami called as she looked at her phone clock and hurriedly started grabbing her supplies.
Right after Honami left, Kanade’s throat began to burn. It burnt so bad, like she had drunk the flavoured water from the bottom of the noodle cup too early.
Next came a feeling of something lodged in her pipes, along with a sweet but metallic taste.
“What.. is this.?” the thought raced through Kanade’s mind, amidst many others as she hurried to the bathroom as quickly as she could.
When she kneeled over, the burning in her throat was now accompanied by a tickly feeling too. The small-statured girl tried to swallow it down, but that was doing piss-all.
Her only remaining option was to try and cough out whatever had gotten stuck down there. She didn’t remember getting any food stuck somewhere behind her teeth, lest it being as big enough to block her airways.
She tried as hard as she could, for hours it seemed, but she finally managed to get it out.
After taking a moment to relax her body after her what-seemed-to-be asphyxiation, what fluttered down into her open hands laying in her lap was a purple-tipped, white carnation petal.