Chapter 16
She surrendered to the kiss, to that familiar feeling of being close again to the person she had once loved and imagined a future with. She should resist, after all the pain she had caused her, but she could not. Her head was foggy, she had missed that feeling, even if she wasn't sure if she was missing the feeling behind it or if it was Costia herself.
The latter's hands suddenly went wandering and that's when the brunette's eyes snapped open. Costia noticed the change in mood and looked at her. When her light blue eyes met green ones, it became clear to Lexa. She wanted this closeness, all these sensations, this familiarity, but she didn't want it with her. She disengaged because it suddenly felt wrong.
Questioningly, she was looked at.
"What's wrong?"
The brunette took a deep breath in and out before sighing.
"I can't do this. It doesn't feel right."
"I thought you wanted this too?"
"Yeah, I thought so too..."
"We always had so many plans, didn't we?"
"Yes, we did. A long time ago, before all this. Before you betrayed me."
The addressed bit her lips.
"Can't we put this behind us? Start all over again? Or pick up right where we left off?"
She took Lexa's hands in hers.
"I want this. Us. To try again."
She received a shake of her head in response.
"Do you have someone?"
Lexa hesitated a few seconds before answering.
"You have feelings for someone, right?"
"I don't have anyone," she evaded the question.
"She will never be able to replace what we had and you know it."
Came the aggrieved reply.
"No, she can't replace it and she shouldn't. She's not you and that's fine."
Costia's eyes narrowed to slits.
"She'll never be able to hold a candle to me, and you'll soon find that out. She'll soon get tired of all the hype and leave. Which I can even understand. Or I'll get the blonde princess to see things my way. You know how persuasive I am."
Lexa's gaze had been gentle until now, but now it exuded iciness.
"Did you just threaten her?" She spoke softly, threateningly and powerfully. "If you get too close to her or threaten her again, you will see a different side of me. Then everything that has happened so far was nothing against it, and now go before I forget myself."
Costia did not move.
Lexa stood up and reared in front of her.
"I won't say it again."
But still she did not move.
"Indra!"
The latter stormed through the door like lightning, looked at the brunette, understood, and then grabbed Costia by the shoulder. She yanked her up from the sofa and out the door.
Nervously, Lexa waited for Clarke. How would she react?
She knew it was time to fill the blonde in on the whole story.
A short time later, the latter arrived and she looked exhausted.
"Would you like something to drink? A coffee or something?"
The blonde shook her head and remained silent.
"Okay Clarke, I think I owe you an explanation."
Curious, two blue eyes looked at her.
"You know Costia was here. I told you about her and also what happened, but that wasn't all."
Mutely, Clarke nodded and she continued.
"She was my first great love. It wasn't until just before that I realized how I looked at women and that I wanted more from them than friendship. So when Costia approached me one night in a bar, I was overwhelmed. She was beautiful, full of hopes and dreams. She led a very different life than I did, far from the hype that was just beginning to surround me, and I always thought that she didn't care about any of that, nor did she want to."
The brunette sighed before continuing.
"Her charm and wit had quickly captivated me, I couldn't help it. After that night, we saw each other more often and I realized I was starting to develop feelings for her. The closer we were, the closer I wanted to be to her. I wanted her to be my home, my family, and my future. I trusted her blindly, told her everything that was on my mind and all my secrets. At some point I confessed my feelings to her and she kissed me. It was overwhelming and I didn't want it to ever stop.
In the beginning we kept it a secret. Gustus helped us, hid us, hoisted us out through emergency exits or made people delete the photos they had taken. When he wanted to, he was scary with his two meters. We did it so as not to risk my career, which had just begun. Who would want a lesbian actress going straight? Nevertheless, after a while I wanted to dare it. I was so sure with Costia and I didn't want to hide it any longer, to stand by myself and show my happiness to the world."
Tears wanted to steal from her eyes, but she didn't let them. She wanted to be strong, to prove to herself that she was not the same person she was then. She had learned from her mistakes. She shook off her feelings, but they did not escape Clarke, she knew how she felt. Could see her pain clearly, but she also knew she had to keep Lexa that illusion.
"Full of anticipation I stepped into Costia's room, she had accompanied me to most sets since we were together, but instead of her Titus stood in the room. Packed suitcases lay on her bed and I no longer understood the world. He had looked at me pityingly. Although I had never said anything to him, he had known who she was to me. He told me what he had found out and forbade either of them to come here again. She wanted to come clean on Charles Pike's Good Night Show that I was a lesbian, even though she knew it could destroy everything I had built up. She wanted to take away the most important decision of my life so far. Not 24h before that we had talked about our future plans, we were going to move in together, find an apartment so we could have as much time together as possible. She had even met my sister, the most important person in my life and she also wanted to trample her privacy. I had let her into my life because I wanted her in it, because I could no longer imagine one without her. My perfect world was in shambles. Since that day Titus taught me that love is weakness, that I must not let anyone get close to me, that I must not reveal anything of myself because it would always take its toll, which I had to pay. I almost broke from the story. From then on, I never let anyone get close to me. Since that incident, I haven't been close to my sister either."
Clarke was trying to process everything Lexa had just told her.
They had taken advantage of her weakness and betrayed her, she now understood her reaction back at the beach much better. She understood her better in the first place and how difficult it was to reveal herself to her. It explained her behavior and her insecurities.
Gently, the blonde took her in her arms and whispered something in her ear.
"That was bad and I can understand you, or at least I try to. As for your sister... You should call her and, more importantly, when was the last time you saw each other?"
"It must have been 2 years since I was last home. We spoke on the phone a few months ago."
"Then it's about time. Don't you think?"
Lexa nodded.
"Clarke?"
"Hmm?"
"Would you come with me?"