Chapter 5
James
James hurried out of the common room and towards the seventh floor.
As he walked his mind jumped to all sorts of different things as it could never seem to stay still.
Where did his friends think he was going? Besides Remus, of course.
The rest of them didn't know about his…. situation. Or at least he would hope they didn't, if they knew it might find its way to Sirius. James shivered at the thought.
He reached his destination and glanced around to make sure no one was around. No one was but he slipped his invisibility cloak out of his pocket and put it on just in case.
He started pacing in front of the currently plain wall. Show me Regulus Black, show me Regulus Black, show me Regulus Black. He turned to the wall which now had a small engraved black door facing him.
He pushed inside and pulled off his cloak.
He was immediately surrounded by a muddy darkness lit only by the light of a small flickering candle at the other end of the room.
‘Go away, James.’ Said a soft slightly hoarse voice from the direction of the light. ‘I don't wanna talk.’
‘And you don't need to.’ James assured Regulus as he went to sit next to him on the soft green carpet.
Closer to the light James could make out Regulus better, neatly cut shiny black hair and his slightly damp but beautiful face from where still wet deep grey eyes peered up at him.
James loved looking at Regulus. He had to admit he might love it more than most things.
Spotting the slight dimple on only the left side of his mouth when he smirked or seeing that in the moonlight his hair really did look almost blue.
James’s favourite by far was how he had caught James's horrible habit of messing up his perfect locks by running a hand through them- often in frustration at something James had said or done but he liked to ignore that part.
And he studied him now as they sat in silence with the flickering candle and James hand playing with a lock of hair behind Reg's ear being the only movement in the room.
‘Why do you come here?’ Regulus asked eventually, his voice sounded as if he was forcing himself to sound as if had not just cried.
‘What do you mean?’ James murmured. He pushed back some more hair and discovered a mole at the back of Regulus’s neck, he smiled as he ran his thumb over it, enjoying how Regulus shivered slightly at the touch.
‘Why do you risk it? What if Sirius does find out? How could you risk your best friend hating you? He despises me, James. He'd be furious if he found out you came to comfort me instead of him.’
James's heart tugged at how sad and vulnerable the boy in front of him sounded.
‘He doesn't hate you Reg. He could never hate you, he just gets upset…’ he trailed off as Regulus snorted and finally slapped James hand away from his neck.
‘He does hate me. He just hasn't realised it yet. Now answer my question, why would you risk it?’
James stared back into his intense eyes that glittered almost black in the shadowy room.
BecauseI loveyou.
That's what James wanted to say, that's what he hoped Regulus wanted him to say.
It wasn't like it was completely unwarranted. Ever since James had found Regulus here just before the Christmas holiday last year lots of things had changed in his life.
Regulus had been crying because Sirius had blamed him that they had to go home for the holiday.
Of course It was awkward at first, they had stared at each other and James had hurried out of the room before Regulus could hex him.
Then a few weeks later Sirius had stormed off at breakfast about something his brother had done and James had noticed that all of Regulus’s friends were sitting without him.
He'd finished breakfast hurriedly and given some vague excuse before running off to the room of requirement. This time Regulus had let him stay. They hadn't said anything, just stared at the ceiling in silence, later they would sometimes talk and eventually Regulus had allowed James to touch him. James couldn't help it, his love language was physical touch, if he saw someone in pain his instinct was to give them a hug.
So that's what he'd done. He'd hugged Regulus as he'd cried into his shoulder about his mother locking Sirius in the attic where Regulus couldn't reach him for almost a month, he'd cried about how when Sirius visited James and he was no longer there to take the blows for him his mother had whipped him.
And there were other times when James cried, cried about his mother’s health deteriorating, cried because it felt like Sirius was trusting him less and less.
And there were moments when they didn't cry. When they would sneak out to the lake in the middle of the night and James would play with the giant squid while Regulus chided him as he'd sketch in his notebook. Those were James's favourite nights.
And something had changed in James, he'd stopped always trying to pursue Lily (to her and everyone else’s relief) but he also didn't take interest in any other girl, he didn't feel the need to.
On Hogsmeade weekends when Sirius was on some random date and Remus was back at the castle studying James would sit alone in the Three Broomsticks disappointed he couldn't sit with Regulus because of course it would get back to Sirius.
Halfway through the summer he couldn't stand keeping it to himself anymore and he'd written to Remus, letters upon letters about how perfect Regulus was. Instead of being annoyed Remus had replied with his own rants about Sirius. The Black brothers really were unfairly attractive.
So yes, he did love Regulus, but not in the way he loved Sirius or Remus or any other of his incredible friends, because finding out that they couldn't sleep without a small light, or learning about how passionate they were about art didn't affect James's entire view on life.
He sighed and turned his gaze from Regulus to the dark ceiling.
‘He won't find out, Reg.’
From the corner of his eye he saw Reg avert his eyes as well. ‘Hmm, alright, if you say so.’
James shoulders sagged, he swore he heard disappointment in the other boy's voice.
It took only a few minutes for the awkward silence to revert back to their usual dynamic, James talked about his summer and all the new friends he'd made and Reg showed James the sketches and paintings he'd made.
One particular one that caught James' eye was a gorgeous painting of a faceless figure that sat on a stone ledge. Its body was covered in blue and purple bruises and in its fingers was a cigarette that produced smoke that took up the entire top of the canvas, the bottom, where the figures' feet hung above the ground, was littered in rose petals.
He paused Regulus’s flipping of the notebook by placing a finger on the page and looking up at him questioningly. Regulus’s paintings always had a meaning to them and though he mostly left them out as to not bore him, James knew he enjoyed talking about them.
‘Oh, yeah. That one had a strong meaning behind it originally but it became kind of muddled, it was supposed to represent me and my friends, the cigarette smoke for Barty, that idiot has got to quit, the bruises on the figure for me, and the rose petals for the Rosier twins. It made sense in theory but it mixes Panda and Ev together too much and it's also missing Dorcas so it just doesn't fit.’
James continued to stare at the painting and thought about Regulus's words a bit more.
'It's kind of like…’ he ran his finger over the muddy grey top of the canvas, ‘smoke for Remus, he says he doesn't smoke but we all know he smokes even more than Sirius.’ his finger went to the figure, ‘bruises for Sirius,’ his finger ran to the bottom of the page 'and if you changed the flower, Lily petals for Lily.’
He removed his finger from the page and smiled at Regulus, ‘but you’re right, it would still be missing me, Mary, Peter, and Marlene.’
Regulus didn't smile back and instead turned the book back to himself and started scribbling.
James waited patiently for him to finish, Regulus would've killed him had he interrupted his creative process.
When he stopped and put the pen and paper down James raised a brow, ‘do I get to hear about this brilliant idea?’
Regulus smirked and James' eyes flew to his dimple. 'You I only share my drafts with Pandora.’ He glanced and his watch and his smile softened. ‘And it's just about time for our 2 am art session, she'd be worried if I wasn't there.’
He stood and stretched a bit, clearly not minding that James's eyes tracked his movements.
He picked his bag off the ground and strode toward the door.
James's eyes followed him for a few seconds before he squeezed them shut and hung his head backwards. He expected to immediately hear the door shut but there was a moment of hesitation.
Then, very softly, and hesitantly, Regulus whispered, ‘ thanks, James.’ The door opened and shut with little sound.
The words weren't new, Regulus said them to James almost every time they saw each other but something about them always felt so intimate in a way James couldn't describe.
He sighed as he lay back and stretched out on the carpet under him and prayed for the day he could decipher his own emotions.