“Lily, hey.” Pandora whispers, knocking her elbow against Lily’s.
“What?” Lily replies, rolling her eyes and scribbling nonsense in her paper.
Pandora simply takes her hand and leaves a Tiger’s eye there, closing Lily’s hand with her own.
“You need this, you keep looking at the books on the shelves and to a certain History major. You know we have to hand in this essay in three days, right? I don’t want you getting a bad mark just because you get distracted.” And with that, she gets up and excuses herself to the bathroom.
“So a fucking rock is going to help me focus?” Lily mutters to herself. She takes a sip of her water and buries her hands on her hair, knotting the roots. Mid-term essays are probably her worst enemy, because it is October and it still feels like summer. Locking herself in the library is not her favourite pastime and she wishes she could just go back to August, to the days spent in the sea and quick trips to visit Remus. She rests her forehead against the table when she notices a hand rubbing her shoulder.
“Lily, do you want to have a break now?” Alice’s voice reaches Lily’s ears and she immediately raises her head and looks at the other girl.
“Yeah, yes. Please.” They both stand up and head outside of the library.
It’s been like this since the year prior, as far as Lily can recall. She knew Alice before starting University, but they were never close friends, they just had some friends in common. But now they’ve become what you would call “library buddies”, since they always seem to go there the same days and they always have breaks together.
Alice lights a cigarette and blows the smoke away from Lily, letting the ash fall to the ground.
“Would you like to read a poem I found while researching for my essay? It’s in Aeolic Greek dialect, though. Sappho. You know the gist.” Alice rests her head on the wall and waits for Lily to answer.
“Uh, yeah! Do you want me to translate it? I have a module focused on different dialects spoken in Ancient Greece, and I’ve seen loads of Sappho.” Lily tugs her sleeves.
Alice takes the cigarette and leaves it there, between her lips, while she gets her phone out of her back pocket and unlocks it to find the poem.
And when you are gone there will be no memory
Of you and no regret. For you do not share
The Pierian roses, but unseen in the house of Hades
You will stray, breathed out, among the ghostly dead.
Lily reads it and looms at Alice, “It’s already translated!”
“Yeah, but I didn’t know how to just show it to you without a proper reason, you know?”
“Alice, if you want to show me poems, just do it.” Lily’s green eyes, shining so bright. Alice feels like she is looking at the sun. It’s frightening. It’s beautiful.
“Alright, I will.” She smiles and finishes her cigarette. “Wanna grab some scran before we go back inside?”
Lily nods and they both head to the canteen.
A few weeks later, Lily finds herself again in the library, trying to find a book for her essay. She loves losing herself between the shelves, gently picking out books and pulling them out of the shelf and turning the pages. She has her earphones on, listening to some out of tune melody, probably Wings, but she is not really paying attention to the low hum beating in her eardrums.
She notices a hand touching her waist and she hears a voice following it. Alice.
“Hi there.” Alice rests her elbow on the shelf, next to Lily.
“Hi, Al. Have you just arrived? I didn’t see you while I was sitting on my chair.”
“I was just helping Kingsley with something and we were sitting on a bench outside, but I wanted to talk to you.”
“Oh, yeah?” Lily removes her earphones and gives Alice her full attention.
“My mates and I have bought some tickets to go to this club tomorrow night, but I know that your friends are going too and I was wondering if you were gonna come with them too?”
“Actually, I was going to stay home, but I know James bought me a ticket too.”
“Well, in the case you’d like to come, would you like to hang out with me? Ditch our friends for a bit and just talk, the two of us.” Alice puts her hands in her front pockets and looks at Lily, fluttering those eyelashes that sometimes Lily finds she’s lost in them.
“Okay, that’d be nice, very nice.” Lily replies quickly, red cheeks flushing.
“I’ll see you there.” Alice gives her a nod and she goes back to her own chair and table, where she had left all her things.
“Christ on a bike.” Lily mutters and she decides to take a break right there and goes outside to call Remus.
“Alright?” Remus says from the other line of the phone.
“Hi, Remus. Well, I’ve got… news? I guess?”
“News? What kind of news?”
“Lesbian news I think.”
“LESBIAN NEWS? LILY? WHO HAVE YOU BEEN DOING? WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME NOW?”
“Remus, I’m not doing anyone, what the fuck. I think you should break up with Sirius, he is making you too fucking nasty.”
“You literally curse like a sailor.”
“No one asked, wanker.”
Remus laughs, “Alright, well do tell me this awesome lesbian news!”
“Alice has kind of invited me to tomorrow’s party in the club.”
“Oh yeah, makes sense, Frank told me their lot were gonna come too.”
“She basically told me that if I go, she’d like to hang out with me. Just the two of us.”
“Lily! You are gonna get laid!” Sirius’ voice comes through instead of Remus’.
“Sirius, hi.”
“Sorry, Remus has the call on speaker, so I’m listening to everything and OH MY GOD!”
“Should I go? I already told James I was going to stay in my room.”
“Lily, don’t be daft and go. You’ll have a blast with us and Alice is the best, you’ll be fine with her.” Remus’ sensible voice speaks this time and Lily sighs.
“Okay, alright. I’ll go.” She can hear Sirius cheering so loudly she has to put her phone away from her ear.
“If you need anything, let me know, love.”
“I will, Remus. See ya tomorrow!” She hangs up. Time to panic. Holy shit. Maybe she needs one of Pandora's crystals.
When Lily gets to her dorm, she sends James a quick text letting him know that she is going to the club tomorrow night. She lays on her bed and scrolls through Instagram until she sees a picture of Alice. She looks so beautiful, with her short hair and fierce smile. Lily is already horrendously down for her and she doesn't even know Alice might feel the same for her. But it's fine, it'll be fine.
Dorcas and Pandora come to the rescue. Dorcas, for her part, she makes literal works of art with makeup, while Pandora can make any outfit work. Lily is very thankful that they wanted to help her get ready for the night.
"Lil, it's completely normal to feel like this. You like Alice! We've all felt like this with someone we fancy." Dorcas is doing Lily's makeup, drawing little stars around her eyes.
"And we are all going to be there. If you need it, you know you can always ask me to pretend to be your girlfriend in case it is required." Pandora adds.
"Oh, James just texted me. He is here with the car, so we better get going." Lily takes her purse and head out, turning off the lights.
The three girls go down the stairs see James waving at them, big bright smile on his face, "Hello, ladies. Ready to break many hearts tonight?"
"James, you know I don't usually carry my tools for a task like that." Pandora deadpans and everyone in the car just stays silent for a bit.
"Lils, you look gorgeous. I'm sure Alice will have no other choice but to give you a big kiss on the mouth."
"Gross, James." Lily laughs.
They get to the club and find all their friends gathered in front of the door. Lily spots Sirius and Remus, both immersed in their own world. She smiles and notices how Dorcas put her arm around her waist. They get inside and Peter is taking everyone's drinks with the help of Mary. Marlene is sitting down, waiting for the rest to sit down while they wait.
The music feels intoxicating and makes Lily feel drunk. The steady bass and drums from the songs entering her core and vibrating. She doesn't see Alice. She looks to her right and sees Frank and Xeno snogging and thinks that maybe they should go to the bathroom if they really want to eat each other alive right in this instant.
An hour and a half passes by and Sirius is already ordering shots for everyone. Marlene is resting her head on Mary's lap, kissing her hand whenever she sees fit. Lily checks her phone and see doesn't see any messages from Alice. There's still night. She takes a shot.
Remus takes Lily out for a dance and that's when she spots Alice entering the club, wearing an oversize leatherjacket with a bralette underneath. Christ, she is stunning and Lily feels herself getting a bit light headed. Remus gently spins her around and he takes Sirius' hand, giving Lily a thumb's up, encouraging her to go and talk to Alice. Lily swallows and approaches Alice.
"Hi, I thought you weren't gonna come!" Lily shouts, trying to make her voice sound over the music.
"Sorry, it's just that Cissa's sister had an issue and she was very stressed and you know, she is my roommate so I didn't want to leave her there alone."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." Lily touches Alice's forearm to comfort her.
"It's sorted already, so yeah, everything's fine now. Where can I get a drink?"
"I think Dora is now in the bar, you should find her."
"Okay, see you in a bit, alright?" Alice smiles and sprints to get to Pandora and orders a drink.
Lily goes to the loo to retouch her makeup and to relief herself. She thinks of texting Alice and let her know she is in the bathroom, but maybe that's too much information. Lily looks at her reflection in the mirror and applies some more lipstick to her lips. She hears the door open and close and she sees how Alice enters.
"Very pretty, that colour really suits your lips." Alice mentions, positioning herself next to Lily. She is barely wearing any makeup, but she is stunning, nonetheless.
"Cheers, it's Dorcas' actually. Fine Arts major and all that."
"Really?" Alice takes the lipstick from Lily's hand and puts it down. She puts a strand of hair behind Lily's ear and she gets closer, cupping her jaw. "I really, really hope I'm not taking this wrong. But I'm so sorry for this lipstick, because I want to kiss your beautiful mouth."
Lily gulps and she nods. Alice wasn't even asking a proper question, but she nods. Yes, please, do it.
Alice takes the hint and kisses Lily, so soft and gently, a feather-like touch. Lily grabs her hips and presses all of Alice's body onto hers, while she deepens the kiss.
Alice cups her face with both hands and moves them to the wall nearest to them, now giving all her attention to Lily's neck. Lily pants, resting her head on the cold wall behind her. She tugs Alice's hair, bringing her to her lips once again.
"Fuck, I've wanted to do this for so long." Alice breathes between kisses. Lily laughs.
"Tell me about it." Lily kisses her cheek, behind her ear, down her neck to her collarbone.
They hear the door open and they get apart from each other instantly. Alice's hair is messy and Lily's makeup is ruined. Pandora looks at them and screams.
"Fucking finally! Took you both long enough! If you two get married, can I give a speech? I feel like I have that right because I've seen this relationship grow and evolve right before my own two eyes." And with that, she enters one of the cubicles.
"Maybe we should get out." Alice says and gives Lily a kiss on the cheek. "See you again, yeah?"
"Yeah, don't take long." Lily replies and they both go back to the dance floor.
Lily sees James and Regulus sitting together, James' arm rounding Regulus' shoulders, gently caressing his hair. She sits next to James.
"I just kissed Alice."
"Ah! Lils! I'm so happy for you. I knew there was something there between you two." James says, quietly but with great emotion. Lily looks at Regulus and she notices he looks a tad overwhelmed.
"Everything alright?" She asks, lowering her voice.
"Yeah, he just got a bit stressed."
"The social battery is running low and alcohol makes me very sleepy." Regulus mutters.
"Yeah, I get you." Lily stretches out her hand to take Regulus' and squeezes it.
Lily doesn't see Alice again that night. She doesn't even see her again at the library the week after. She doesn't know what she did wrong, why Alice is just avoiding her.
Marlene texts her asking her to come over. When she gets there, Marlene hugs her.
"I'm so sorry, Lils. I know this sucks."
"It really fucking sucks. I don't know what I'm supposed to do." She sits down on Marlene's bed and she brings her a cup of tea.
"Look, maybe she got scared?"
"How so?" Lily asks, taking a sip from her tea.
"Talking from experience, before I kissed Mary for the first time, I was scared shitless. And it wasn't because Mary had done something specifically that made me upset, it was just irrational. I've always been afraid of love, of opening myself too much and then having the person I like running away because they don't like what they are seeing. I kissed Mary and it felts so great and so perfect and so important that I panicked. But you know Mary, she went after me and we talked. Perhaps Alice is going through something similar?"
Lily looks at her cup, stirring the tea with her teaspoon. "It's been a week and a half, Marlene. I really don't know. Maybe? But still, I don't know if I should talk to her or if I should just wait for her." In that moment, she gets a text from Alice.
I
…You burn me…
And then another text after it.
II
Remembering those things
We did in our youth…
…Many, beautiful things…
And more texts.
III
…Again and again…because those
I care for best, do me
Most harm…
IV
You came, and I was mad for you
And you cooled my mind that burned with longing…
"Marlene, Alice is sending me poetry."
"I think you should talk to her now."
Lily invited Alice to come to her room to talk. That's all she said: Come over if you wanna talk.
Now she is pacing around the flat, fidgeting with her hands. She has Grace by Jeff Buckley playing on her record player. She really wants Alice to come, she needs to talk to her.
She hears a knock on the door and she opens it. There's Alice, standing in front of her.
"Hi." Alice says first, shy smile.
"Hi, come in." Lily turns around and goes to her bedroom, sitting on her chair and letting Alice sit on her bed.
Alice takes a deep breath and begins to speak, "I'm so sorry, Lily. I didn't mean to give you the cold shoulder all week. I panicked."
"Why did you panic?"
"I've liked you for so long and- and I never though you would like me back. It's just hard for me to let myself enjoy things. But- I want this, I really do, if you want to." She crosses her legs on the bed.
Lily gets up and she sits next to Alice, taking her hand.
"I want this too, Alice. I want it so much. And it's very normal to feel what you felt, okay? But from now on, if you ever feel overwhelmed or that everything is just too much, please talk to me and don't have me hanging on for a week and a half." She laughs and squeezes her hand. She kisses her cheek.
"I sent you poetry written by Sappho." Alice blurts.
"Yeah, you did." Lily giggles.
"Did you like that?" Alice places a hand on Lily's neck.
"I did very much." She looks at her lips and wets hers.
"Can I kiss you now?" Alice whispers. Lily nods.
Jeff Buckley's low hum can be heard in the background, drowned by all the love, lust and admiration pouring from the bedroom. Open bodies, making way for the inevitable falling until the bones crush. Heart surrendering. Same old story of flowers blooming in Spring. Can't stop it, can't contain it. Bound to happen.