Chapter 4
Every step I took, my injured leg prevented me from moving forward quickly. All this time, Laura had done more for me than I had done for her. Now more than ever she needs me and I am in the worst possible condition, but I will do anything for her. I made it down the hill, but on the way, the only thing there were huge logs piled up and to be honest, the fatigue was getting noticeable on my body. Still I wanted to keep going, even if I had to drag my leg over the asphalt road. From far away, I saw two small lights coming towards me. I realized it was a truck. I waved my arms in the air so they could see me. When the driver got out of the truck, I collapsed to the ground.
******
I had a dream. My lips spoke her name, "Bradley" the warmth of her hand placed on my cheek. I felt the softness and gentleness in her fingers, it seemed so real, maybe I'm in heaven. When I met her...I didn't know it would burn and change my world.
"We need a doctor in room 111 immediately."
I opened my eyes. I was no longer in the cabin, I was in a hospital room. Aside from the weakness and dizziness, it's hard to describe how I felt. I thought of Bradley while she was unconscious, and I still dream of her with her eyes open.
******
The doctors wouldn't tell me how Laura was doing. I stayed in my room worried, but at the same time relieved that they found her. But then I heard a sound at the door. I thought I was delirious when I saw her beautiful face in the window. She had gone to the trouble of coming to see me and despite that, she wouldn't come in unless I asked her to, after all the barriers of intimacy we broke down, Laura was still respectful and polite.
"Come in" I said with a huge smile.
She was wearing a light blue hospital gown. She walked with a limp and in her left hand was a bandage.
"Oh my God" she looked like she was about to cry. "I asked about you, but they wouldn't tell me how you were" She hugged me and stroked my hair with her nose.
"They wouldn't tell me if you were okay either" I looked at her with such joy and excitement. "We made it, can you believe it?"
She didn't say anything else, I think she was processing everything because her chest was sinking and rising with depth.
"Let me see your hands" I asked her to show them to me but she wouldn't do it.
"I won't be able to knit for a while." she joked.
"You saved me. You made it possible for me to be here now. Thank you."
I watched her and realized how life plays strangely. When I first met Laura, I never imagined she would mean so much to me more than anything or anyone else. There is something about her that makes her endure the bad and in the good times, everything shines so much brighter.
I guess you can't choose who to fall in love with, the heart wants what it wants. And I think I want Laura.
She approached me slowly, but confidently. She was about to kiss me on the lips and I had expected her to do so since I saw her standing in the doorway. Her hand was on my cheek, her nose was touching mine...but then the door suddenly opened and Laura pulled away.
"Meet Cory" I cleared my throat.
It was clear he was surprised, he had obviously seen us.
"A pleasure, Cory." the brunette extended her hand.
"And you must be Laura." he shook her hand, but then dodged it by continuing to walk towards me, as if he was marking his territory.
I leaned forward, sitting up fully. I couldn't take my eyes off Laura, I didn't care that Cory was next to me, I just...I wanted to be able to talk to her for a few more minutes alone. My cheeks reddened and my eyes flooded with tears, but none fell.
"This is Laura." I indicated again. My voice trembled.
"Yes, you already said that." he clarified.
"It's nice to finally meet you Cory."
"Bradley says you saved her. Thank you."
"No." she said. "The truth is Bradley saved me."
I shook my head in denial, because I didn't agree with that, because at that moment I didn't understand that she wasn't just referring to the time we lasted lost in the mountains, Laura was talking about something else.
"Well, I should go back. They must be wondering where I went. Goodbye." she said with a forced smile before leaving.
My heart was broken and devastated. Hers was the same. Ours happened suddenly, but a single certain blow had shaken my whole world in an inexplicable way. Cory would hug me and tell me how happy he was to see me again, but none of it brought back my feelings for him. I wanted to love him, I made myself do it. Even though I was sure that would not be possible in any way. I would try to live my life with him, while thinking and loving someone else.
*****
I don't know how I could walk down the hallway without collapsing on the floor. This wasn't what was supposed to happen, I wasn't supposed to fall in love with her. I shouldn't be able to love anyone else. She meant so much to me than I ever expected. Loving her left me with this cruel pain. When your wife dies, people call you "widow" but when it's unrequited love, what does that make you? No one, because you can't be anything to her, even though she is everything to you.
I cried as I watched the snow through the window.
*****
Cory and I returned home. He seemed to have everything as it was before, a month and nothing had changed, but I still had the feeling that something was missing. 1 weeks later, I was cleaning the house every day, checking shelves, drawers and closets, but everything seemed to be in its place. One night I woke up from a nightmare, I was sweaty and my heart was pounding. I turned to look at Cory, he was sleeping so peacefully, I wondered if he slept the same way while I was lost. That's when I understood what I was missing, not what but who. Laura was missing. She had been by my side all along, she could have left me alone in the mountains, but she did not. I was the worst companion and yet she never complained, she always took care of me. Laura would hug me when I had a nightmare. Laura would pick me up when I fell over and over again. She literally dragged me back home and she...made love to me like no one had ever done before. Although right now I questioned if Cory and I ever did that.
I picked up my phone, it was 4 am. Obviously I couldn't call her, although I was so desperate to hear her voice. I sent her a text asking how she was doing. That hadn't been the first time I had tried to reach her, I had texted her the next day after I got out of the hospital. I would like to think that since she is a doctor she must be very busy.
Cory threw a party for me, invited all our friends and family. Anxiety was eating me up inside. If he had asked me if I was okay with it, I would have said no. I would have said no. Right now it's a lot for me, I understand that everyone is worried, but I feel like I'm being invaded with questions I'm not prepared to answer. I survived, yes; that doesn't mean it's easy to talk about how I nearly died on several occasions.
I wore a black turtleneck blouse, a tube skirt and booties. All neutral colors. And my hair I left loose.
"Please don't leave me alone," I begged.
"Relax, it's just our friends and family. You'll be fine, I'm here."
"I know, but I don't want to be alone."
"It's our party, they are welcoming you."
He was with me for about 30 seconds, after that he got distracted talking to some friends about his work. Cory is a stockbroker, so, he's always talking about buying and selling stocks, EVEN WHEN HER FIANCÉE HAS POST-STROKE STRESS.
I fetched a tray and handed out appetizers on a tray. I thought chaperoning would keep me busy and be the polite way to get away from everyone. But that wasn't enough to keep my boss away.
"Hi, Bradley."
"Maggie, hi," I reached over to give her a kiss on the cheek. "Good to see you." lies.
"You look wonderful" her eyes scanned me from head to toe.
Would you think the same if you had seen me with a swollen eye, scratches and a wound in my leg? I don't think so, but Laura... she made me feel beautiful in that terrible moment. No. Stop it. Stop thinking about her.
"Thank you" I smiled.
"I don't mean to be intrusive" there's the Maggie I know. "You probably took a lot of pictures during your horrible experience."
I responded with a quiet, "Oh" of all the things she could ask me, it surely had to be that. I didn't even want to review the photos.
"It's an amazing story, and I guess the pictures are too. I think people would like to see them."
I was immobile, shocked and with my hands shaking with anxiety.
"No. I'm sorry, Maggie. I'm not ready for that."
"Will you at least think about it?" she continued to push.
"Yeah, sure. I'll think about it." I lied. There was nothing to think about.
I walked away from her as fast as I could. I walked into the house and placed the tray on the kitchen table. There wasn't a single place in my own house that I could lock myself away from everyone. Every door and window was open. I counted the seconds and minutes until the party was over.
First thing in the morning, I resumed my swimming exercises. Swimming not only keeps me healthy, I usually do it to stay relaxed and focused to go to work. But right now, I'm doing it because I want to calm my thoughts. Only it's not working, nothing seems to be working.
I got out of the pool, reached for my towel and then grabbed my phone to call Laura. It rang for a couple of seconds but she didn't answer.
"Hi, Laura. It's Bradley again." my skin was clammy and my lips were trembling, from cold of course. "I'm just calling to say hello. Call or text me."
Instead I wanted to tell her, "I miss you deeply" I didn't because I don't think she seems to miss me in the same way.
From the moment I met Cory, I made it clear to him that I am not one of those women who cooks, so, he had to learn to cook. He was stirring a pan full of soup, while checking my computer.
"I promise you something, we'll leave early. When the event is over, we'll leave after the reception."
I wasn't paying attention and he knew it when he turned to look at me.
"Hey," he said,
"What?" I jumped startled out of my chair.
"Forget it." he shook his head and placed his hands on top of the table, as if he was exhausted from this situation on me.
"Were you talking about...?" I wanted to try.
"I was just talking about the event with the investors."
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I said with a long sigh taking a seat on the other side of the table.
"Bradley, I understand you don't want to talk about it, but I know the situation you're in. I always thought: someone will call me from somewhere. So, I made a deal with myself. I will always love you, even if you come back without a part of yourself."
That part was with Laura, but I couldn't tell her. Well no, not a part of it. My whole being, soul and heart were with Laura.
He leaned over the table, ready to give me a kiss. I couldn't say no, I... even though I didn't want to, I received the kiss, just not like before. I stood like a statue.
Every day I woke up in the middle of the night with a nightmare. It was always the same, Laura and I in the mountains, she would hug and kiss me, but every time I tried to touch her... she would pull away. I turned on the light and took a breath. I got out of bed, ready to throw away everything that connected me to that accident.
I opened my purse and put the clothes I was wearing in the bag. At the bottom of all that stuff, there was the candy I had saved for Laura, apparently she hadn't wanted to eat it and put it among my things to give it to me. I took the candy and put it inside my back pocket. There was nothing left but the roll of film. Someday I will have to get over the accident, I won't be able to if I keep avoiding leaving the past behind.
I went to my studio. The red light was on. I prepared my equipment to develop the photos. After a while some of them were drying on a hook on a string.
I really wanted to see her and hear her voice, obviously that's why I had been trying to communicate with her. I would have liked to know the reasons why she doesn't want to hear from me. In a last attempt, instead of continuing to call or text, I sent her some photographs in a yellow envelope addressed to the hospital where Laura works. I did all this in the hope of getting a response. I also wrote her a little note.
*****
I spent my recovery time in London. I thought that when I returned I would forget about everything and about her. Returning to my old home had been partly a good choice, the dog helped me a lot, he lifted my spirits in the most difficult moments. The weather was gray and rainy, the rain fell on us as we walked through the park. I thought I loved my hometown, until I fell in love with that American smile.
I need to stop thinking, it's hard because I need you. I miss holding your hand. Kissing your lips. Seeing your smile. Touching your skin. Hearing your voice. But then I remember you're with him and it all starts to hurt. There are things that can't be erased, like our instant chemistry and connection.
I didn't want to leave, but I had to because I can't feel this thing I feel for you. So, I ignored all your calls and kept my distance.
I sleep well at night because I find comfort in the thought that you loved me too. Or so it seemed. I want to wake up with you next to me again, with the smell of your hair and your face buried in my neck. I wish I had had more time in that cabin and made love to you for more than just one day. I wish I could be the one to give you everything, but I guess you already have him and that makes me jealous. Every corner of my mind has traces of you in it. I can't do anything else without missing you.
"Mrs. Gloria, how are you feeling today? Let me see how your arm is doing. Slow, but it is recovering. We will continue to do a couple of studies and continue with exercises so you can regain full mobility.
Getting back to work was good, it forces my brain to think of nothing else.
I was filling out a form for another patient when my phone rang. Bradley called again. I let the phone ring while I saw her name on the screen. I never answered and never listened to the messages she left on the voicemail. I need more than one reason to keep keeping you away, but your ocean eyes haunt me in my memory. Even while awake or in the middle of a meeting, I can't help but remember that night when only love we could give each other.
"So?" cleared his throat Gordon. "Are you all right? I know you hate it when I ask, but I have to because I'm your best friend.
"I'm fine." I dug into my food without tasting it.
"Uh-huh, sure." he rolled his eyes. "So this isn't about what happened to you in the mountains."
I looked up and looked at him impatiently. "If you want me to tell you about her, let me tell you, you're wasting your time."
"I'm just saying that what happened to you two was horrible and life is short Laura, maybe, she is choosing to be with you and you are not allowing her to make that choice." he placed a yellow envelope on the table before walking away.
From Bradley Jackson to Laura Peterson, said the sheet taped to the envelope. I opened it immediately. They were black and white photographs. The first ones were of the dog and the mountains, the last ones had a little note held by a paper clip,
"You are the only one who will understand these pictures.
Bradley,"
I took a deep breath. I think I held my breath for long seconds. My heart was beating fast and hard, pounding like a drum. There I was, lying on my stomach. My naked body with a dull gray blanket covering my lower back, butt and legs.
I waited to get out of the hospital, poured myself a glass of wine and called out to her.