Lily was hunched over a textbook in the library, trying so desperately hard to ignore the world around her, when she heard a familiar set of footsteps approach her. She ignored them and tried to submerse herself even deeper into her work.
“Lily?” Lily focused harder on the words on the page. She had a Defense Against the Dark Arts exam this week and refused to let anyone take her top spot. That’s what she told herself. That’s why she was studying. That’s why she was ignoring one of her best friends as she drug up a chair and sat opposite her.
“Lily. You’ve been ignoring me.” Lily ignored her. “Lily, please, just look at me.” Lily sighed and met the big brown eyes staring across the table.
Mary MacDonald was sitting across from Lily, and Lily couldn’t find it in herself to breathe. They simply stared at each other for a moment, and Lily dreaded the conversation to come.
“Lily, you’ve been ignoring me. And don’t say you haven’t because you’re one of my best friends, and I know you,” Mary began. Lily couldn’t focus. Lily was finding it harder and harder to focus these days, especially when Mary was staring at her like that.
“It's just been, awkward, you know? After what happened…” Lily trailed off as the memory of last Friday snuck back into her brain, despite her best efforts to squash it down and forget. A dark stairwell, firewhiskey heavy in the air. Mary’s loud laugh, and Lily’s loud breathing. A lean too far in. A gentle press of soft, plump lips. A secret that Lily was terrified of. Well, she wasn’t terrified of the kiss itself. She was terrified of it not meaning the same thing to Mary as it did to her. Hence the avoiding.
Lily’s fears that had racked her mind for the past three days were suddenly confirmed when Mary’s laugh echoed across the table. “That’s what you’ve been worried about?” she exclaimed, looking at Lily incredulously. Lily’s heart sank even further into her chest. “We were drunk, and we kissed. So what? It’s not like it meant anything.”
Lily swallowed against the lump building in her throat. “Right,” she said, mirroring Mary’s tone. “I just didn’t want to ruin our friendship.” This couldn’t be happening. She was sitting across from the girl she loved most in the world, and agreeing that kissing her had done absolutely nothing to Lily. She could feel Mary squashing her heart, unaware that’s even hers.
“Of course not, silly,” Mary giggled and reached across the table to grab Lily’s hands. They were warm and smelled of the lotion she used each morning. “Nothing could ever ruin us. We’re best friends. And it is not best friend-like to ignore me for several days.”
“Sorry,” Lily said sheepishly, pretending that that was the reason she had been ignoring Mary. She just didn’t want to change their friendship, that’s all. It's not like Lily had wanted to kiss Mary, most definitely. And she had definitely not thought of doing it again since.
“I love you, you know,” Mary says in that soft voice of hers, peering at Lily. “You can talk to me about anything.” Lily could feel Mary’s hands around her heart, squeezing and squeezing. Lily couldn’t breathe. Each word that came out of Mary’s mouth was another punch to her gut. She needed her to leave. She needed her to stay. She needed her to let go of her poor heart. She wanted her to never let go.
Lily’s brain was scrambling and racing with thoughts, and feelings. She was in love with Mary, but Mary was not in love with her. She liked boys, period. She liked Sirius Black. Lily liked girls, period. Mary didn’t know she liked girls, and maybe she wouldn’t be so fine with kissing Lily if she knew.
No, that wasn’t true. Marlene had come out last year as a lesbian, and Mary had been perfectly fine and supportive of her, especially when she got her first girlfriend. And was cheated on by said girlfriend. Then got a new girlfriend who she loved and was loved back. Lily tried not to be too jealous and failed horribly each time.
Marlene had everything she wanted and she loved her for it. Marlene was one of Lily’s best friends, and yet she resented her just a tiny bit in the back of her heart when she saw her and her girlfriend holding hands in the hall or kissing each other at parties. She had love and acceptance because she wasn’t scared to get it.
Lily, though? Lily was terrified. She was terrified because she was in love with Mary, and she couldn’t love girls openly when Mary might find out. Mary would support her, sure, but she wouldn’t love her the same way back, and that’s what hurt the worst.
So, when Lily looked up across the table and met the deep brown eyes staring back at her, she simply smiled and said, “I love you, too.” And no one but Lily knew that at that moment what she actually meant.
Mary, oblivious to Lily’s inner turmoil, smiled sweetly and stood up. “I’ll see you for dinner, okay? I promised Sirius we would hang out today. Bye, Lils!” And with that, she stood up and walked away without a second thought, leaving Lily to stare at her long, dark legs and wish, not for the first time, that she was Sirius Black.
Lily was given only a second alone before Mary’s spot was filled again, this time by someone with floppy dark blonde hair and a heavily scarred face. Remus simply raised a single eyebrow at her before she burst into tears.
Remus’s eyes softened and grabbed her hands and squeezed them comfortingly. Lily couldn’t help but wish for a moment that they were Mary’s again.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Remus questioned softly once Lily’s tears had started to slow a bit. She glanced up at him and felt so grateful for Remus Lupin.
He was her best friend, besides Mary and Marlene, and had been since the third year when they found they found out how well they worked together. She knew everything about him and vice versa. She was the first person he came out to, and Lily had simply smiled and said me too. He hadn’t told her about his massive crush on Sirius Black, but Lily wasn’t blind. She hadn’t told him about her massive crush on Mary MacDonald, but Remus wasn’t blind either.
In Lily’s opinion, the two of them had become even more soul-bonded when Sirius and Mary started dating, both thrust into their respective pools of misery. Whenever they were snogging or holding hands or cuddling, Remus and Lily could look at each other and understand each other in ways no one else could. When Mary and Sirius were together, so were Lily and Remus. Except their hands weren’t down each others’ pants half the time. They would sit in the library, just like now, and mope and study and pretend they didn’t care as much as they did.
Remus and Lily were like halves of each other, feeling the same things and understanding each other when no one else even noticed. He was the person she spent the most time with outside of their respective dormmates and they were just best friends, plain and simple. Lily was so grateful for Remus Lupin.
“I’m guessing you saw Mary?” Remus nodded. “Well, she came over to ask why I’ve been avoiding her and then proceeded to say that I was being silly and the kiss didn’t matter. At all.”
Remus grimaced and squeezed her hand harder. “Sounds like she’s the silly one for not realizing what it meant to you. It obviously meant a whole lot, and they’re idiots for not realizing.” Remus said in a quick breath, sounding rather angry. Lily looked at him and knew something was wrong. She raised her eyebrows questioningly, and he sighed.
“Sirius said something along the same lines. He cornered me earlier in the dorm.” Another reason Lily and Remus were now soul-bonded forever: they both got kissed last Friday. On top of that: they both immediately walked into Mary and Sirius making out in the middle of the dance floor. Lily was about to storm back up into her dorm and cry until she saw Remus’s heartbroken face on the other side of the room. They had made eye contact and on some fundamental level, Lily knew. They snuck out of the party and found an abandoned room to sit in and tried not to cry. Lily failed. Remus simply hugged her, and Lily ignored the tears in his eyes, for his own sake.
Since then, they’d been hiding out together, refusing to confront either Mary or Sirius. They were planning to meet to study in the library today, but Mary got there before Remus.
“I’m sorry, Remus.”
“Me too, Lily, me too.”
They breathed together for a moment. And then, simultaneously, pulled out their books and continued working.