I walked along the side of the road, taking in the view of the beautiful beachside town, a warm gentle breeze flowing through my hair. Far ahead, I saw a familiar spot, it's an open area with a clear view of the beach and the ocean.
'It's our spot!' my helpless heart screamed but my mind was quick to remind it that it's your spot now, with her.
Tell me, was it ever truly ours? Or was I just a placeholder?
A mere substitute for the real thing.
But then, why did it feel that way before? Why did it feel genuine?
I buried my hands into the pocket of my jacket, the warm, gentle breeze suddenly becoming cold. After a few seconds of hesitating, my feet took me to the boulder where you and I would sit.
And suddenly, the familiarity of it all suffocated me.
I remember sunny afternoons where you and I would buy our favorite drinks and snacks just to take them here, where we would have conversations of our future.
It hurts to think about that now, because we didn't have a future anymore. That future was now yours and hers.
I finally sat on it, and my heart quickly jumped to the what-if's and the what-could've-been's.
What if I didn't let you go? What if we held on? What could've I done better than her?
I wondered if I should've fought more for our love but then, would it have made a difference?
Probably not.
Because no matter how much I give, you would still fall out of love.
You would love her more as you love me less.
I want to say that I have finally moved on, that I've long forgotten the love I feel for you. Maybe perhaps, I should say it in past tense?
The love I felt for you.
Or would I just fool myself into thinking that I'll get over you?
"Let me go." I whispered as I looked at the sky that now has an orange hue, an indication of the incoming sunset. Let my heart go.
Sunsets, they're your favorite. But I know you love the night sky more, you would watch them because they give you peace. The stars calm you. Like how you said my love calms you too.
If it did, why did you drop me so easily?
And you didn't stop there, it wasn't enough, you looked for love in the form of my best friend. You were falling for her while I fell harder for you.
Why did you drift away? How could you when you told me that you'd be there with me, every step of the way?
You told me that we'd reach our dreams, together, and that you wanted a future with me. The future we've always talked about.
How did she change your mind so fast?
You told me that I was your always. And you were also mine.
But that's it. We're done.
Suddenly, I was put in a reality where you and I don't exist.
Because you chose her.
Maybe in another life, I would've spent a lifetime looking at those brown orbs of yours. I would've taken your hand as we promise each other a lifetime of happiness.
In another life, I would be your lover. Your constant. Then you would be, my aurora.
Your colors would be painted in my sky, our love for everyone to see.
But now, the skies were painfully black. Long gone was the bright streaks of radiant colors. The ache slithers in my veins, threatening to rob me of my own breath.
A drop of water.
Followed by another.
And another.
Until it wasn't just a drop anymore.
Rain poured down hard but I only wrapped my arms around my body, to try and keep myself warm.
Then, a tear. A tear fell out of my eyes.
The sky was crying with me, because it was now empty. It was missing its aurora.
.
.
.
It was a normal day, I just got home from buying our lunch. I got confused when I opened the door and I saw you standing beside the kitchen countertop, your expression was unreadable and all-familiar at the same time.
You've been like this for weeks now, it felt like you weren't fully yourself, and you're always saying you're either busy or tired. Always having a reason why we couldn't do our Friday movie nights or our regular video calls.
Every time I ask you what's wrong, you just brush it off with a smile. I felt you slipping from my arms but I put my fears aside thinking that we'll fix whatever was broken once we physically saw each other again.
But that day came and nothing happened, since the moment you arrived in my hometown, you avoided my stares, and each time I say those three words I would see a flicker of guilt appear in your eyes. I lay beside you every night but you feel so far away. Relentlessly out of reach.
In a few days, you'd be going home and I didn't want to act as if nothing's wrong when it seemed like there's so much going wrong at once, so I asked, "What's happening, love?"
My heart was in so much chaos, I almost cannot breathe. You were standing in front of me with this look on your face. I felt the end nearing.
You looked anxious. And you know how worried I always get when you're like this so I spoke in a soft, loving tone, "What's bothering you? You can tell me."
"Lisa, I-I-" You looked like you were about to cry, so I held you by your shoulders then I caressed your right cheek.
"Hey, breathe. I'm here, baby." I tried to meet your eyes but they were looking everywhere but mine.
"I-I'm so so so-orry," You broke down in front of me, burying your face in your hands while I watch in pain. Then, I did what I always do whenever you're crying.
I took your hands and placed them on my shoulders as I kissed your forehead, then I sang one of our songs - it always made you feel better before.
"I wanna make you smile. Whenever your sad," I lifted your chin up to meet my eyes then I intertwined our fingers. "Carry you around when your arthritis is bad."
Why did your eyes look so distant, love?
"All I wanna do, is grow old with you," I meant every word. I saw my future with you, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Then I heard my heart almost shatter because you suddenly removed your hands from my hold as you wrapped them around your own body.
"Lisa." Your voice sounded.. distant. My heart used to jump in joy at the mere sound of your voice but this time, it jumped out of fear.
Maybe it felt the loose hold you now have around it.
"I like Seul."
Wait, what?
"W-What are you saying?" I tried to force out a chuckle but it turned into a whimper.
"I like—her, Lis. I-I'm sorry." You broke into a sob, and I wanted to hold you again but I can't, I was frozen in my place.
I can feel my heart breaking into tiny little pieces, my hands were shaking. My whole body was in shock, my legs felt weak and I start to shake uncontrollably so I fell to my knees.
"Lis!" Why did you sound so worried? I though you didn't care anymore. Did you finally notice how much I was hurting?
You kneeled in front of me as you reached for my hands. But they felt cold, so I pushed them away.
"Please, don't touch me." I used to love your touch, the way you used to mindlessly caress my hand whenever I'm near you, but now? It only left a burning feeling in my skin - it fucking hurt, Jennie.
That action only worsened your sobs, and I wondered why you were hurting. How could you when I knew you didn't love me anymore?
You think I haven't noticed? How you always have an excuse whenever I ask for quality time or how your 'I love you's' became a chore or how your smile seems to be brighter whenever I bring her along?
You didn't mean them. Then the day came when you didn't even try anymore.
I waited for that day when you'd finally say those words again, but it never happened.
You sobbed as you muttered a series of apologies. Was I a fool for still waiting for you to take it all back? To say that you love me?
Anger started to build up in me as I remembered all your broken promises. You said that it would always be me – us. How could you lie to me?
"What did I do to you, Jennie? How did I deserve this?! You fucking played me!" I can't stop it, all I wanted to do was to lash out on you, and I did. I wanted you to know my pain. And you cried even harder with each word that came out of my mouth.
"I-I'm s-sorry, Lis—I d-didn't mean t-to, I s-swear!" You managed to get the words out in between sobs and my heart only clenched with each passing second.
"YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME! THAT YOU SAW A FUTURE WITH ME! WHAT WAS ALL THAT HUH?! WHY DID YOU LIE?!" I screamed out of my lungs, I can't fucking breathe, Jen. My hands were trembling as I sat on the floor.
"I did love you, Lisa! I was true and loyal to you!" You tried to explain but I wasn't having any of it – I didn't want to believe any of your lies anymore.
"YOU DON'T GET TO SAY THAT! YOU NEVER LOVED ME, JENNIE!" I cried so hard that my vision started to blur. "Because if you did, you wouldn't hurt me like this!"
"You're breaking me, Jennie!" I looked at you and I wanted to wipe the tears that kept falling from your eyes but I can't. I was beginning to feel weak, I couldn't scream even if I wanted to.
I can't move. I can't breathe. I was feeling everything all at once, then came the numbness.
I felt empty.
"Get out." I looked at you in the eye with no hint of any emotion. My voice was cold and dark. Fear settled in your feline eyes.
"But L-Lis-" You tried to argue but I can't stand you near me. It surprised me too, before I would always want you near me because you calmed me – you gave me peace. But now? All I wanted to do was to get away from you.
I looked away because the sight of you made me nauseous. My brain was in overload, I can't think straight but there's one thing I'm sure of – I want you gone.
"I said, get out." I clenched my teeth, my voice was now laced with venom and I saw you flinch in my peripheral vision – you only ever saw this side of me when he came back to mend things with me, my father, after 17 years of pretending that I didn't exist.
"P-Please Lis, you're not o-okay. Let me t-take care of you." You wiped your tears and you helped me stand up but I pushed you away, and this time you stumbled back a bit with wide eyes – they were filled with pain.
I was also taken aback, we both knew I couldn't hurt you. How did we come to this?
Realizing what I did, I quickly stood up and my arms almost reached out in reflex for you. An apology almost came out of my mouth but my heart quickly remembered the way you betrayed me.
"You cheated on me." A statement. It finally sank in, I thought you were better than this? I don't even know you anymore.
Tears fell from your eyes – you realized it too, didn't you? You knew it was going to hurt me and you didn't even bother stopping it.
You were out there, building a world with someone else who's not me. Where did we go wrong? Where did I go wrong?
"I hate you, Jennie. And because of you, I wanna fucking die." I said with all the hate and anger I could muster, not breaking our eye contact.
You crumbled as soon as I said those words. I wanted out, "We're done, get out."
I turned my back on you and walked towards my room where we spent countless afternoons cuddled up in my bed. My heart ached at the thought.
I tugged at the door handle and before opening it, I spoke one last time, "You've lost me today, Jennie. But the worst part you losing everything you used to stand for."
I didn't bother waiting for your reply, I went in and the moment I slammed the door shut, I broke down into a sob. I fell to the floor with my back against the door, and I hugged my knees to my chest.
That was the last time you visited and showed yourself to me. You didn't even try reaching out. I thought you would at least want to mend things with me, but it was a lost cause – because you didn't love me anymore.
That night, I cried out all the pain I felt. I grieved the loss of our relationship. And the only things that kept me company was your broken promises, our broken future and worst of all – my love for you that stayed despite the pain, it burned in my chest and the tears weren't enough to put it out.
.
.
.
The rain finally stopped, so did the crying. I tried to wipe my tear-stained cheeks with the sleeve of my jacket but I quickly realized that I was soaked from the rain.
I bitterly chuckled at my action then I looked at the sun that has now met the sea, with its surface reflecting the warm glow of the sunset.
I took off your soaking jacket - how could I forget? It was the one that you gave me when we first met in person.
"I want it to keep you warm when you're cold and I'm miles away from you." You held the jacket then you put it around my shoulders.
"I love you." I said with a smile as I stare at you. You met my eyes and I swear my heart just fell to the floor.
But I knew that even if it did, you would catch it.
"And I love you, baby. Always, in all ways."
You would, won't you?
Because you promised.
I scoffed at the memory, your empty promises were just that – empty. Because of you, trust was something that didn't come easily. I learnt to put my walls up high, so no one would be able to get in. But maybe it's more for me than for them, because it's better to have them at the other side.
Out of reach.
The moment you start to let someone in, you're giving them the power to break your heart.
And love just wasn't worth the pain anymore.
I stood up and started walking, deciding to go home before I get a cold from being soaked in the rain.
But where exactly is home? I thought to myself.
A couple months ago, I would have answered your name, because you were my home. You put my heart at ease whenever I feel troubled.
Well, you used to. Now, you became the reason why my heart is in a constant chaos.
Four long, agonizing months has passed ever since that day. I haven't contacted you since then, immediately blocking you everywhere I could. It was what I needed.
I could now almost say that I have moved on, that I didn't want you back anymore.
Almost.
Just almost. Like how you almost kept me.
"Lis!" A voice called out. I turned my head to the direction where it came from and saw my best friend, Rosé, who had a worried look on her face.
I guess I was too caught up in my own thoughts that I hadn't noticed I was now standing in front of the beach house we were staying at for the time-being.
Rosé has somehow convinced me to get out of my apartment and take a vacation, saying I looked like a 'monkey who hasn't taken a bath in years'.
I took full offense in that and decided it was time to at least start living like a normal person again.
I sported a sheepish smile, remembering that I forgot to tell her I was going out.
"I thought you bailed on me," she said with look of relief.
"Oh, I was planning to," I teased while she just rolled her eyes.
"You're soaking wet Lalis, go change. We're going out," she complained, smacking me in the head.
I let out a small yelp, "What was that for?!"
Rosé stuck her tongue out at me, then she smiled, "Go!"
As much as I want to stay cooped up inside the house, I didn't want to be alone with my own thoughts so I murmured a 'fine' and headed inside.
*
We decided to go at the beach and sit on one of the bonfire areas where we could cook some smores and jam through the night. Rosie brought her guitar, singing some tunes while I try not to burn up the marshmallows.
I also try not to think of you and how we could've had the same night under the stars.
We could leave the Christmas lights up 'til January
And this is our place, we make the rules
Rosé started singing. It was our song, I remembered when I told you that I would sing it to you in the nights where we would spend our time near the ocean. I promised that once we're living under the same roof, I'd serenade you with love songs every night.
And there's a dazzling haze, a mysterious way about you dear
Have I known you 20 seconds or 20 years?
My heart ached, this song used to make me smile as I think of you. The miles that kept us apart didn't matter because we loved each other. Love was enough of a reason to stay.
Can I go where you go?
Can we always be this close forever and ever?
It's funny how we're back to being strangers. Falling in love with you was short and easy, I didn't even have to try. So why then would forgetting you be long and hard?
Why is it taking so much of me just to forget you?
And ah, take me out, and take me home
You're my, my, my, my
Lover
Rosé finished off, and for a while, silence filled the air. The only thing you could hear was the waves hitting the shore and the sound of crickets.
"Sometimes I wonder if she was only in it for the high," I chuckled bitterly. Rosé's expression immediately softened.
"That she only wanted the best parts of me, because the moment things got hard for us, she pulled away and chose someone else," I felt my chest getting heavy. Just like that, the pain I felt from that day was back.
My best friend stayed silent, she knew I only needed someone that would listen, and so she did. Every single time, she's there, picking up pieces of me that was broken.
"I don't know what's more painful, never experiencing her love or knowing the feeling of being loved by her and losing i—t," My voice cracked, my tears threatening to spill out of my eyes.
"What did she do better? Can she love her the way I did?" I had so many questions I wanted to ask you, but at the same time, I didn't want to hear anything from you, "Why was I not enough, Rosie?"
"I gave her so much of me Chaeng. Too much of me."
I felt my chest get heavier each second, my whole body was in pain. I feel it piercing and clenching my heart.
I only ever felt this pain with you, so I didn't know how to breathe. You gave me the love that I needed and wanted, and it was the best feeling in the world. But you took it away, and now, I don't know what else I could do to ease the pain. I want to forget you, Jennie.
I want to forget the butterflies I've always felt whenever I hear your voice. I want to forget how your hand fitted so perfectly with mine, and forget the way I lose my breathe whenever you look at me with those eyes and see through me. I want to forget how much I crave your love, your touch and your smell, and how much I looked forward to a lifetime with you.
I want to throw away the pieces I have of you because it only reminded me of how I'll never have all of you.
And my memories of you? They mock me, Jennie. It's like they're saying that I can't ever keep you, because you were never mine to begin with.
"I just want this pain to go away, why is it so hard?" I finally let my tears flow, releasing all the pain I've tried to suppress. Rosie only held me as I sobbed in her chest.
The pain was too much. It was excruciating.
"I'm here, Lis. I'm always here."
*
A year has passed since then, some things remain unchanged while some didn't. There are days where I would feel like it's possible for me to be alright without you, that I could heal and be free of you. However, there are also days where the pain would hit like a train and all I'd be able to do is cry.
Every now and then, I even wondered if it would always stay here, in my chest, just looming around my heart, waiting for the most inconvenient of moments to resurface. And every time I think of it, I get terrified of the possibility that even time wouldn't be able to mend the cracks of my broken heart.
Before, the thought of loving you – constantly and endlessly – stirs happiness and peace in my chest, but now? It only served as the chains that imprisons me inside the fantasy where you and I could be.
"Lisa?"
A voice took me out of my thoughts. I glanced up and saw a familiar pair of eyes. Anxiety bubbled up in my chest, it's too early for this. I wasn't ready to see you.
You.
In arms length.
As if I was on autopilot, it took less than a second for me to turn my back on you and walk away.
Like how it took no time for you to do the same for us.
The pain in my chest got heavier with each step, and I didn't understand why. How ironic, shouldn't the pain disappear with each distance I put between us?
If so, why do I feel my heart clench more and more as I ran from you?
Yes.
I ran.
The sight of you terrified me.
But you were persistent. You called my name breathlessly, as you tried to catch up with me.
I should've kept running. Should've turned my back and never looked back. Should've buried the memories I had of you a long time ago. But I didn't.
Because I stopped. I stopped when you called my name for the eight time.
I turned to face you and both your hands were on your knees as you tried to catch your breath.
Then your eyes.
They were fixed on me.
And I could read everything you wanted to say to me just by that one look.
I should be angry really, furious even. That even after all this time, I could look at you once and still know your eyes.
Looking at those feline eyes of yours reminded me of the time when I used to hopelessly stare at them as I wait.
And wait.
And wait.
Until you finally look at me like you used to.
Like I was still your entire world.
Like I was everything and nothing that you expected at once.
Like I was your lifeline.
"I-I... w-wha..." I didn't know what to say or do. After all, I was so sure that I'd never see you again.
There wasn't one reason in my head why the universe would let us meet once more.
"C-Can we talk?" You asked with hopeful eyes. "Please? I want to explain myself."
What for? I asked in my mind, because I know that whatever you say, it wouldn't fix anything, Jennie. You've broken everything that has to do with me, with us, beyond repair.
"You don't owe me anything, you don't have to," I replied, putting my hands into the pocket of my jeans as it became unusually cold.
Hearing my answer, you averted your eyes to the ground and wrapped your arms around yourself, shaking your head. Then you spoke in a tone I knew was sincere and met my eyes, "I do. I owe you that and so much more, Lisa."
Three pauses.
Then I gave you an answer, "Okay."
*
You and I settled on one of the empty benches around the park, a feet or two of distance between us. I clasped my hands together and looked ahead while you played with the knit of your sweater.
I kept silent, waiting.
After a few moments, you spoke. The silence was probably deafening for you too, "I'm sorry."
Those two words took me back to that day, but what I remembered the most were your eyes. I didn't notice it at that time, but your eyes mirrored mine that day.
They were clouded with pain too.
"I... I h-have so much to say to you," you started, "but I don't really know where to start."
Noticing that I wasn't going to say anything, you took a deep breath, "I know it's hard to believe. But I really did love you, Lisa."
"You gave me a future to look forward to, instead of being scared from what it holds. I wanted it so much because it's with you, and I just felt that with you I-I could go through anything," you said in one breath, and I could sense that what you were saying is the truth.
Tears were threatening to escape my eyes but I held myself back, because how could I cry over you again? It would feel like I was betraying myself. I didn't want to show you that part of me again. I never wanted to be vulnerable around you again, Jennie.
"And I don't now h-how or why but in those last couple weeks I felt different. Towards you a-and our relationship," I could see you blinking away tears from my peripheral as I did the same, "That's the first reason why I started being distant. I felt so guilty, because there you were – so consistent and so... in love. You treated me perfectly, Lisa. While I was so unsure of what I was feeling for you."
What you said then broke my silence, pain and anger laced my voice, "Did my love become too overbearing that it pushed you so far way from me?"
That made you look at me with wide eyes, your head shaking furiously, "No, please don't think that."
"How could I not?" I asked, meeting your gaze and this time, I wasn't able to stop the tears, "I gave so much – too fucking much. But you still chose her."
"Why, Jennie?" I questioned, my voice trembling. "Why didn't you tell me earlier?"
You opened your mouth, attempting to give me an answer but no words came out.
You didn't have to though, because your eyes said it all.
And it took everything in me in that moment to not fall further apart in front of you.
"It's because of her isn't it?" It wasn't a question but a statement, "You didn't bother fixing what we had because you wanted someone else."
Shamefully, you nodded and your shoulders shook as the tears escaped your eyes.
As if the pain wasn't enough for me, I asked the question that I know would break me, but put a finality to this.
"Do you love her?"
"More than anything," you replied in a whisper.
Then that's all I need.
"Goodbye Jennie."
And so, I took those first few steps away from you,
and let you go
completely.