I’m (Not) Okay!
While Varian’s life took a turn for better, Hugo’s took a turn for worse.
Hugo blankly stares at the delivered messages, all being green.
“Fuck…” he whispers, texting his so called “friends” for the 29th time.
He rolls onto his back, sliding his glasses onto his head and rubbing his eyes aggressively, ignoring the burning sensation.
“I fucked up…” he murmurs,staring at his ceiling. He picks at his nails, chewing on the side of his mouth. Guilt gnaws inside of him, eating away at any sort of pride or joy with himself.
He texts as much people as he can, asking for Varian’s number.
why would you wanna know slut
ion kno, why . .
wouldnt you like to know
Hugo angrily grabs his pillow and screams into it, angrily flailing around in his bed.
====☆
Varian sighs as he hangs up the call with Rapunzel and Eugene.
Ever since the fight, they had been bragging about how they dropped Hugo as fast as possible, stating that getting beat like that is “absolutely embarrassing and humiliating”.
Varian hates the guy, and feels nothing but rage when he even thinks of his dumb hair, or stupid glasses. Although, he wishes things could go back to normal.
Andrew had already shown up at his house, attempting to serenade him. But Varian had just shooed him away, and insisted that he wasn’t interested. Andrew promised that he would be back.
Varian grimaces when he gets another text from an unknown number, and he sighs while opening it.
hugo wants ur # what should i say
Varian’s eyebrows furrow, and he quickly replies.
who is this rq
He gets an instant response.
angry
He lets out another sigh.
do what u want, idrc
Varian responds, and not even even 5 minutes later, he gets a text.
varian, its hugo. im srry abt what happened. i know i fucked up, and i know theres nothing i can do, but just know that i understand why your angry.
apologize to ur aunt and uncle for me, and know that no matter what i dont hold what you did against you. i forgive you for hurting me and it was completely understandable. im srry
Varian slightly snorts, amusement growing in his chest, mixing with his already frustrated mind.
r u gonna kill urself or smtn lmaoo
Varian’s message goes through, but he gets left on delivered. For the next few hours, Varian expects him to randomly text and start insulting him, or threaten him.
Varian sits down to eat with his aunt and uncle, both of them talking about how their days were.
“Hugo texted me.” Varian states absent mindedly. Both of the adults look over quickly.
“What did that fucker say?”
“Nothing much, he was just apologizing. He was kinda weird about it, though.”
Varian shows his uncle and aunt the messages, his uncle looking relieved while his aunt just looks worried.
“That seems unsettling. Are sure it’s Hugo?” His aunt questions, and Varian nods.
“Angry texted me saying that Hugo wanted my number. I said that I didn’t care.”
Hector nods.
“Well, you should just block his ass. I mean, he can’t even look at you at school, it’ll be like he never existed.”
“Mhm..”
====☆
Hugo stares intensely at the TV, another episode of Dance Moms playing. It had been on for the past 8 hours, and he didn’t have the energy to click off.
“Hugo?” Donella says quietly, peaking her head into the room. Hugo just gives a small grunt on acknowledgment. She sighs heavily.
“I’m going to the store to grab some stuff, do you wanna come?” She asks, and Hugo shakes his head.
She frowns, but accepts the answer.
“Alright then, do you want anything?”
“Dr. Pepper.” He replies quietly, watching two of the moms start arguing on the TV.
“Okay. Don’t do anything i wouldn’t do.” She says, walking out the house. He hears the door close, and he curls in on himself, pain erupting from his whole body.
He lets out a quiet sob, regret fueling all the little amounts of energy he had coursing through his veins.
====☆
Varian laughs at a joke Eugene makes, as well does the others.
When they asked him to go out for the first time, he was very insistent on staying home. Then they piled their way into his house just to hang out.
He’d grown to love it, and never argues with them anymore.
Angry scrolls through her phone, then snickers.
“Apparently Hugo was sitting on the apartment roof on west 27th”
“What?” A bunch of voices ring out, clearly confused.
“Thats just what Red told me.”
“Face time her!” Rapunzel exclaims, an Angry does as she says.
She answers, growing slightly awkward with the people crowding around the phone.
“What happened?” She automatically asks, and Catalina explains.
“Well, I’m walking home from karate right now, and I saw him sitting there. I was gonna shout to him, but I got too nervous. He kinda looked like he was going to jump.”
“He’s so overdramatic.” Cassandra says, almost everyone agreeing with her.
The group continues to make fun of Hugo, and talk about his deepest secrets, as if he has never told that to them in private.
“What about you, V? You ever notice something that he never knew anyone saw?” Eugene asks, and Varian shakes his head. His mind wanders to the text and he considers telling them, but decides against it when they start making fun of the way he looks.
Varian rolls his eyes and texts the number.
Varian: ur “friends” r assholes
Varian doesn’t expect a response, but his eyes widen when he sees that his text was read. After about 3 minutes, Hugo finally responds.
Hugo(?):yea i figured lol
Hugo(?):assuming they are talking abt how weird i was?
Varian snickers and responds.
Varian:same old same old
Varian:they are flaming some of the photos you sent 😭
After a minute, Hugo texts back again.
Hugo(?):is andrew there?
Varian:yea
Varian:he said he has the craziest photos to show
Hugo(?):fuck dont look
Hugo(?):hes gonna show my fucking nudes
Varian:wtf
Varian:ur kidding
Varian looks over, just to see Hugo’s very naked body displayed on Andrew’s phone. Varian’s cheeks slightly flush, then he quickly looks back at his phone.
Varian:shit no ur not
Hugo(?):I fucking hate him
Hugo(?):please dont look
Hugo(?):thats so fucking embarrassing
Varian:i convinced him to delete them
Varian:its technically considered child porn lmao
Varian:I hate you but im not as inhumane as these bitches
Hugo(?):thank u sm varian
Hugo(?):it means a lot
Varian: ur ass got humbled so hard that the bitch in you got knocked out
Although it makes Hugo feel terrible, it helps him let out the first hint of a smile in the last week.
Hugo(?): true i fear
Varian smiles, and Rapunzel raises an eyebrow.
“Varian, who are you texting thats making you all smiley?”
“No one.” Varian says, putting down his phone. Rapunzel’s face break into a grin.
“Ooooo! Whoooooo isss itt!” She happily says, grabbing his phone and trying to sign in. Varian quickly grabs his phone back.
“It’s no one, I swear. Go back to talking about whatever.”
“Alright, but you are going to tell me later!” She happily says, continuing to make fun of Hugo with the group.
====☆
Hugo scrolls though his phone, looking at his friends account from his own alt account.
He sees that they are all posting photos together with Varian, and any and all photos that he’s in were either deleted or he was horribly scribbled out.
He screams in anger, throwing his phone across the room. He falls onto his bed, breathing heavily as tears run down his face.
Within his moment of rage, he can hear his phone buzz, and he angrily walks over and grabs it. His eyes shift when he sees that it’s Varian’s number.
He hadn’t saved him as a contact yet, but he had memorized the 10 numbers by staring at them for a few days.
Varian:i hate you but i wanted to tell you that eugene was planning to fight you anyways
Hugo(?):yea?
Hugo(?):not fucking surprised at this point
Varian:how did you end up with these jackasses
Hugo(?):I didnt have any1 else 2 talk 2 lmao
Varian:thats why you need to learn how to have company with urself
Varian:it was hard to teach myself how to not care abt how others though of me
Varian:but u need to know u have more worth than any of these guys can ever show u
Varian:i managed to convince eugene to not fight you when we go back on tuesday
Hugo(?):thx varian
Hugo(?):again, it means a lot
Varian leaves him on read, but it doesn’t make Hugo feel as bad as he would’ve.
Hugo sits down, taking a deep breath to compose himself. He allows himself to feel hurt, instead of bottling it down to leave it to fester.
Without giving himself a second to let his heart and mind agree, he stands up and quickly walks to Donella’s room, knocking gently.
“Come in.” He hears her voice say, and Hugo’s hand meets the door knob, taking a deep breath to compose himself.
Hugo walks in and sits down, Donella looking at him.
“What do you need?” She asks, automatically focusing on him.
“Uh, I think I need more help. Im not okay right now.” He says, fidgeting with his hands.
She stares him for a moment, then nods.
“Thank you for telling me, Hugo. I’ll look into it. Is there anything you need to get off your chest?” She asks gently, moving to sit next to him.
Hugo takes a deep breath, trying to calm his shaking hands.
“I kinda realized how much I fucked up by being friends with all of them. I was just so desperate to stop feeling everything.”
Hugo grows noticeably more nervous, and keeps his head looking to the ground.
“I’ve been having nightmares about my mom recently. My actual mom.” He says, slightly throwing Donella off.
“I’ve been trying to ignore it, so I’ve been drinking and smoking more. I’m so sorry that I’ve been a bitch to you.” He admits, wiping his eyes quickly. “You don’t deserve this, mom. No one deserves how I’ve treated them.”
Donella pulls him into a hug, Hugo letting loud sobs fill the room. She comforts him, rubbing his back gently.
====☆
Varian stares at his phone, very obviously bored while waiting for Eugene and Andrew to finish arguing.
They had found Uno in one of Varian’s drawers, and quickly decided to play it.
“Just admit defeat, Fitzherbert!” Andrew yells, angrily pointing at the +4 card.
“I got one more in me!” Eugene yells, placing down another +4. “Uno.” He smirks.
“When did we decide on stacking?!” Cassandra yells, face turning red in anger.
“When thats how Varian got Uno out!” Lance exclaims, staring at his cards intensely.
“Raps, I’m so sorry.” Cass says as she places another +4.
Rapunzel lets a knowing smirk work itself onto her face. She quickly places down a +4, glancing at Lance.
“Eugene, I am so sorry, and I beg that I can still stay at your house tonight.” Lance says, placing down ANOTHER +4 card. Eugene smiles wickedly.
“I got one more in me!” He cries, placing down the final +4. Andrew scream in anger, throwing his cards down. “UNO OUT!”
Everyone groans as Eugene automatically starts flexing about how “great” he is at Uno.
“Then why don’t me and you do a solo round?” Varian asks, everyone automatically encouraging it.
“Oh your on, Var.” Eugene says, collecting the cards from everyone, shuffling them. Varian sets his phone to do not disturb and finds himself sitting on the floor again, waiting for his cards.
The two get their cards, and the game begins. Andrew laughs from behind Varian, and Lance attempts to do a poker face while looking behind Eugene.
Varian automatically places down a +2, Eugene following after. Varian laughs as he collects 4 cards, and Eugene smirks. He places down a block, and then a green 4.
Varian places down a green skip, and then a red skip, continuing on to a reverse card, then a wild card.
“Blue.” He states, glancing at Eugene. He grumbles as he grabs a few cards, then places down a Blue 7.
Varian automatically places down a blue reverse, and then a blue block, following with a blue 5. Eugene pulls out a +4, and Varian doubles, Eugene angrily collecting 8 cards. Varian also draws a card, and automatically places it down.
“Yellow.”
Eugene smirks as he places down a block, and then a yellow 8.
Varian places down a green 8, automatically stating “Uno.” and Eugene automatically switches it to red.
“Uno out.” Varian says, placing his final card down. Eugene angrily yells, and everyone starts laughing at his failure.
Varian grins, heart slightly aching to the feeling that something was missing.
====☆
“And when did these nightmares start?” The man asks, Hugo’s leg bouncing roughly. His talk with Donella 2 days ago had gone well, but he hadn’t expected his psychiatrist to have been his father’s brother, or his biological uncle.
“About a year ago. It’s the reason I started drinking and doing more drugs. I kinda just wanted to numb all those feelings.”
“Ah, your father was the same way.”
Hugo cringes, and the hole in his heart grows larger.
“Please don’t say that.” Hugo replies, sounding harsher than intended.
“Hugo, you need to realize that’s not the way you should be doing things. I recommend-“
“I know it’s not what I should be doing. I just wanna get sober.”
Dr. Barret slightly snorts, making Hugo want to lunge over the table and rip his tongue out.
“Your father said the same. Gosh, he was a selfish man. I really think that you should realize your father did what was best for you.”
Hugo glares.
“He did his best by leaving me, and causing my bio mother to kill herself? Thats what I should take out of my experience with him?”
“I think you need to realize that he wasn’t perfect. He felt horrible about it, but he did what was best for you.”
“I was parentless until I was 10, and I got thrown around the system until 4 years ago. Thats what I should see pride in? Should I find him and give him a pat on the shoulder? Should I tell him “good job! I know you were absent all of my life, but that’s perfectly fine! Let’s have coffee, dad!”. Is that what I should do?”
“… You’re just like him.” He replies after a minute. Hugo stares at Dr. Barret like he has seven heads. Hugo grows horrified, already knowing how this conversation is going to shift.
“Your eyes, your smile, your build. You look exactly like he did when he was your age.” He says, smile on his face. “You even have his temper. Gosh, I wonder what it would be like to be in a room with you when you’re drunk.”
Hugo can’t stop the waterworks and he grips his head.
“Shut the fuck up! Im nothing like him!”
“And as he said about our father.” Dr. Barret laughs, making Hugo yell in anger.
“You need to realize that he was a great father! He did what was best for you. You need to be more appreciative of him.”
“And how did I do that, huh? I just forget how to do everything?! Im the one that learned how to walk by myself! I learned to ride a bike by myself, I learned how to throw a football by myself, I learned how to tie a tie by myself, and I learned what it actually means to fucking love! It’s no thanks to him!” Hugo bites back, more tears falling down his face.
“If you know how to love, then why are you here?”
“What the fuck is wrong with you?!”
“Nothing is wrong with me, I’m just telling you how I see things. I see that you’re ignoring that your father ran because of you, your mother killed herself because of you, your friends hate you because of you, and you became a high school peak because of yourself. How selfish are you? You really are like him.”
“I came here because I don’t know how to live without wanting to kill myself, I just wanted to know how to fix that!”
“In order to fix it, you need to acknowledge what you did wrong. Hating is a big factor of this. Obviously alcohol is bad for you, but have you considered the difference between yourself when you do and what you don’t? I think you should take a shot everyday, and smoke weed before you go to bed. Thats what helped your father with his night terrors.”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT MY DAD!” Hugo screams, throwing something at him.
“Fuck this, fuck you!” Hugo yells, storming out of the room. He angrily goes back to the waiting room, Donella looking at him.
“Fuck this shit. I wanna leave.”
“Is something up?”
“Hugo, you’re being irrational! That could be good for you!” The man calls, following after him.
“FUCK OFF!” He yells again. Donella quickly guides him out, shoots the main a nasty glare.
As soon as Hugo gets in the car, he hugs his knees and starts crying his eyes out, hating himself for even considering what that man was saying.
When Donella gets in, she can automatically tell that she shouldn’t push, and leaves him alone while they drive home.
As soon as Hugo gets home, he runs up to his room and closes the door, stuffing a chair underneath the handle to act as a lock.
He reaches underneath his bed, grabbing a familiar shoe box. He opens it, and quickly grabs and opens his good liquor, not caring to attempt to water it down as he squeezes his eyes shut. He drinks a little, ignoring the burning feeling running down his throat.