Summer of `77 (part III)
Sunday July 10th 1977
Roused by the sun leaking through the permeable canvas, Lily hazily opened her eyes - rubbing them with the palm of her hand. She was laying on top of the sleeping bag - face almost pressed into the side of the tent. Her hair and jumper reeked strongly of smoke and salt; her head hurt – a lot. Goodness, what had they gotten up to last night?
With a shocking clarity, Lily suddenly realised where she was. Her heart skipped a beat and she took a sharp intake of breath. Gently – as not to make any unnecessary noise – she turned to face the other side. A compulsory smile spread itself across her face at the sight which awaited her.
James was still asleep – hand tucked underneath his pillow, glasses pressed into his face, hair sticking upright. He looked incredibly peaceful – a softness radiating throughout his features.
They`d stayed up talking for almost the entirety of the night - only stopping when it had become impossible to keep their eyes open and their mouths moving.
After they`d broken the initial discomfort and inhibition of uncharted tenderness, it had been exceptionally easy to keep the ball rolling. Lily hadn`t dared to imagine it to be feasible to feel such an intuitive level of familiarity with another person.
As soon as the silence was broken, it felt as though there had never been any silence at all.
Lily had confided in him about Petunia; how it pierced her soul to see how much they`d drifted apart over the years; and how they continued to do so with every passing day. She`d expressed her utter fright to let people down; to be a disappointment, a failure.
James had told her about his parents; his need to care for them; his need to care for everyone; to be the rock on which people could rely.
They`d talked about the war; how scared they both were. How scared they were about the uncertainty of their future; and how falling in love made it even more frighting - and better, at the same time.
Even though they hadn`t as much as embraced, the night had felt incredibly intimate. They`d stripped off their skins and bared their hearts and souls to one another. That was as intimate as things could get. This wasn`t just for kicks and giggles.
Lily rested her hand underneath her cheek, looking at James as he slept. She could have stared at him forever. The realisation was terrifying. Secretly, she wished that he wouldn`t rouse for a long time still - just to keep looking at him. From this close proximity she could see all the delicate lines on his skin, the constellation of sun flecks on his nose, the shadow of a stubble on his jaw, and all the other wonderful things which constructed his face.
James stirred and blinked his eyes – a radiant grin blossoming on his lips as her noticed her.
`Hi,` Lily whispered, feeling flustered.
`Mornin`,` James replied, still grinning. `Can`t believe I`m waking up next to you.`
`Don`t get sappy, Potter.` Lily rolled her eyes - yet couldn`t help but smile from ear to ear.
*
It took a great deal of effort to peel herself loose from Mary when morning came. Everything felt sticky; salt, sweat, cider, and the blood of her longing.
They`d fallen asleep like that; Marlene`s head resting against Mary`s chest, arms festooned around eachother backs as strands of garland. A pity party. A wake. Without Mary`s arms being there to envelop her, Marlene felt bare, vulnerable – aimlessly drifting.
In an instance, the sorrow swamped her like a flood – like a tidal wave. It felt thus palpable that she imagined herself reaching out and touching it. It would burn her skin to the bone.
The only thing which was more painful than the remembrance of the night was the diabolic throbbing in her temples. As Marlene rose, an avalanche of nausea overtook her. To avoid getting sick inside the tent, she dragged herself into the wane morning sun, grabbing a knitted blanket on the way.
By the looks of it, it was probably still relatively early. The campsite was quiet– only the sound of the sea and the gulls to keep her company. Remus and Sirius` tent was deserted. Apparently they`d been awake a while; there was a large paper bag full of pasties laying on the table. She decided to wait to have breakfast until her stomach had settled.
If it ever would. Cider. Bad idea. Very bad.
Marlene sat down at the remnants of the fire – half burned logs in a pile of ash. It was difficult to comprehend what had ensued during the night. If she hadn`t had her swollen eyes to pay testimony, she could have easily convinced herself that she`d imagined it all. However, there was no denying the facts.
Mary knew.
Part of her wished that she could take it all back – wrap it up neatly and tuck it away from view. This had never happened. Granting, at the same time, she was glad she`d done it. She`d faced the music; she`d stepped onto the stage. Only - the play had turned out to be a tragedy.
In a way, nothing substantial had changed; she was still in love with Mary, and Mary still didn`t love her back. However, in a very real sense, everything had changed. They couldn`t ignore this. Marlene was terrified of the consequences of her confession; not only for her friendship with Mary, but their friend group as a whole. Merlin, this entire holiday; they`d only been here one day.
Maybe she`d acted rash.
If worse came to worst, she would leave; let them have all the fun. She`d already debated whether or not to apparate home - to Hollyhock. However, in the end, it seemed like the wrong thing to do; to run away from her problems would only enhance them.
Marlene pulled the blanket over her head and closed her eyes – whishing that she could disappear for a while.
*
`Dorcas?` Mary knocked on the closed bathroom stall. `Y`alright in there?`
`Yeah,` came Dorcas` feeble reply, followed by a retching noise. She and Peter had been absolutely sloshed last night.
They weren`t the only ones who were poorly this morning. The cider from the previous night had come back to haunt them for retribution. Mary was surprised to find that she didn`t feel worse than she did. But then – she was used to must stronger stuff.
`Want me to wait for you?`
`No – it`s no use.`
`Ok…well tell us if you need anything.` Mary patted the door hesitantly. `See you in a bit – the lads got us breakfast. Pasties.`
`Oh, don`t talk to me about breakfast!` Dorcas heaved on the other side.
Mary`s sandals slapped against her heels as she left the shower blocks. Here and there people were starting to crawl out of their tents - breathing in the salty morning air. Their fellow camping guests were mostly families with little kids. There were some older people already seated in front of their caravans - drinking from tin beakers whilst reading the newspaper.
At the sight of Lily and James, Mary covertly hid a huge grin. They were sitting next to each other - very deliberately not touching. Lily looked rather dazed as she munched on a Cornish pasty; James looked as though he had just won the lottery.
Marlene was sitting cross-legged in front of their tent - completely enveloped in a blanket, only her head pocking out of it. Her face was waxlike and her eyes were puffy and pink. She looked like an ill-fated damsel – or a dying Victorian child. Mary could feel her heart ache – shattering like a delicate porcelain dish. She had done that; it was her fault that Marlene was feeling that way. Well, not only hers; the cider had a part in it as well.
It hadn`t taken long for Marlene to cry herself to sleep last night – completely drained from all her tears. Mary had wanted to ask her questions, yet had refrained in order to let Marlene sink into the feeling. It wouldn`t have been any use to either of them if she`d tried to play it cool. This wasn`t something to brush under the rug.
Mary felt like a bad friend. How hadn`t she known? How hadn`t she noticed?
A good friend would have perceived their friend being in love with them. Right? Marlene was her best friend; they`d been best friends since they were eleven. They had seen eachother grownup.
Looking back, the signs were glaringly obvious. Had she been thus self-absorbed not to notice them? Mary felt like a fool.
Right now, she would let Marlene be – not bombard her with queries. It was probably for the best if she gave her some space. For the time being, she would put on the most dazzling smile she could possibly manage, and assure Marlene that nothing had changed between them.
She grabbed a Cornish party from the greasy brown bag and took a huge bite; the buttery layers melted on her tongue. There was no better cure to a hangover than a hearty meal.
`Moring lads!` Mary called out to Remus and Sirius. `Cheers for the pasties!`
The two boys were sitting on the beach below – laughing and chatting. They turned around and waved at her before getting up and traversing up the slope of the hill.
`Alright Marls,` Remus posed as he arrived.
`Mmmmmph.` Marlene grunted.
`Poor love,` Mary said, patting her gently. `Went a bit hard on the Old Rosie, didn`t you? Still it could be worse. Dorcas hasn`t come back from the loo`s, yet.`
Nobody else seemed inclined to take the initiative to talk. James and Lily still hadn`t addressed the fact that they`d shared a tent. They had shared a tent!
`So…` Mary offered, frantic to be the one to keep everyone in a good mood. `We`ll stick to the new sleeping arrangements for the rest of the week, shall we?` She looked around, grinning.
`Suits me,` Sirius nodded – hands in his pockets, hips thrust forward.
`And me.` Peter replied between bites.
Mary looked anxiously at Marlene. What if, after the events of the night, she didn`t want to share a tent with her anymore? It was very feasible. Personally, she wouldn`t want to share a tent with someone who`d just broken their heart. Nevertheless, Marlene gave a silent thumbs up.
Neither Lily, nor James replied to the question. Granting, they didn`t protest either. Mary was burning with the curiosity to know what had happened in that bloody tent!
*
It was safe to say that Lily had been sordidly embarrassed during breakfast. There was absolutely no telling as to what the others thought she and James had gotten up to during the night. Merlin only knew how far their imagination was taking them!
Out of the comfortable boundaries of their tent, the two of them had barely exchanged a word. Or a look - for that matter. Lily had turned shy in the daylight; she`d forgotten how to act. How were they supposed to act?
Did this mean they were dating now? Were they boyfriend and girlfriend!? Were they supposed to kiss? They hadn`t kissed yet. Why hadn`t they kissed yet. Goodness, she really wanted to kiss him. Yes, why hadn`t James kissed her yet? Wasn`t she snogging-material? Surely that couldn`t be the case.
As she rinsed out her hair underneath the tepid showerhead, Lily shook herself forcefully. This wasn`t like her; she didn`t worry about things like this! About snogging!
Lily was the last to leave the shower cubicles; the other girls had already left for the tents. Grabbing her toiletries she walked out of the squat stone building. The entrance to it was on the back of the hut, leading through a square where the camping guests could do their dishes.
Lily was stunned to find James waiting by the water basins - fiddling with his towel, hair still damp from the shower. Due to a lack of glasses, his face looked more open.
`Hi.`
`Hi,` Lily replied surprised – her stomach flipping inside out.
`Hi,` James said again, staring at her.
`It seems to be that we have a very limited vocabulary.` Lily chuckled – keeping at a distance. Any closer to James and she thought she might spontaneously combust.
They dawdled in front of each other – alternating between staring at eachother and the tiles.
`Padfoot seemed to think that we did all sorts of things in that tent.` James suddenly said, half-laughing, raking a hand though his hair.
`Oh – yeah,` Lily giggled nervously. `Mary has been pestering me as well.`
`Hm.` James hummed and nodded – picking at his towel.
The question was burning on her lips. Before she had any say in it, it came tumbling out. `Why didn`t we?`
`Didn`t what?`
`Why didn`t you- why didn`t you kiss me?` Lily asked, feeling her face get hot from embarrassment. `You could have…y`know.`
James` shrugged casually. `I`d always imagined the first time I`d kiss you, we`d both be sober – not like last night. I wanted to remember every last bit of it.`
Lily felt a rush of such overwhelming affection for James that her entire body felt lighter.
`Then, this morning, I really wanted to – when it was just the two of us - but I got scared that I would be rubbish – or that my breath would smell,` James went on, rambling. `I`ve been imagining it for ever – so I`ve build it up in my head to this big majestic moment-` He waved his arms around.
With a cheek-splitting smile, Lily listened to James as he stumbled over his words – working himself in impossible knots. It was nothing but endearing. James Potter, who was always so boisterous and self-assured, come undone. Gently, she placed her toiletries on a ledge and moved closer towards him.
`And I wanted it to be perfect – because y`know – it`s you?` James gazed down at her – the sun catching in his dark eyes, making them appear honeyed and golden.
He opened his mouth again to say something else. Yet - he didn`t get the chance.
`Oh shut up, will you, Potter.` Lily declared, taking his face between her hands and kissing him deeply.
Instantly, James dropped his towel and grabbed her by the waist, pulling her closer – almost lifting her of the ground. Lily twisted her fingers in his still-damp hair. He smelled like shampoo – with a hint of last night`s fire. The kiss was languid and gentle; James` lips were soft and he tasted like fresh toothpaste.
As they pulled away, James kept holding onto her – as if he were scared she might fly away. Lily felt incredibly lightheaded; she was glad that he was there to hold her upright. They both giggled as they looked at eachother.
Right; that was what all the fuss was about.
*
Taking a shower and eating something had done wonders for her general state of being. As the morning wore on, Marlene started to feel much better. Her headache was still present, yet more as a subdued background noise than an overwhelming sense of agony.
If it had been up to the others, they`d probably spent the entire day lounging around on the campsite. Which was fine - if you hadn`t just had your heart broken. Marlene needed to get out - get moving. Using her body and letting her blood flow often proved the be the best remedy for most ailments – if only for a little while. That was the ticket; nothing was permanent.
Marlene had taken the lead – trotting meters ahead of the others. They were hiking towards a nearby castle ruin. The rocky and undulating road ran all the way along the edge of the cliffs, intersecting meadows full of long waving grass.
Things were starting to feel more bearable. After her body had stopped feeling like a ransacked shipwreck, she could look at the situation with a clearer lens. It didn`t feel all-encompassing anymore.
With this inexorable truth laying out in the open, maybe she could finally move on from it. Maybe it was time to accept that Mary was someone whom she would never fully have. Not in the way that she wanted.
Marlene had been avoiding Mary all morning - terrified to face her. In turn, Mary had been acting as if nothing had changed between them; as if it had all been a fever dream. It was nice – in a sense. Yet, Marlene wished that Mary would at least acknowledge what had happened.
Mary and Lily were giggling and chatting in hushed voices – just loud enough for Marlene to hear. Undoubtedly, they were talking about James. For her own wellbeing, Marlene had decided that it would be best to keep a distance from the attention surrounding James and Lily.
It was too soon; it would hurt just a wee bit too much.
It wasn`t yet noon when they reached the castle ruins. They were truly a beautiful sight to behold. The grey slabs of ravaged rock stood out impressively against the backdrop of jagged cliffs and agitated sea. Some walls had remained completely upright, whilst others had crumbled to the ground. Most of the staircases were still there – leading to nowhere particular. All sorts of wildflowers had managed to soldier their way into the gaps between the stone.
There was an undeniable beauty in the decaying edifice - the death of the thing itself providing substance for new life.
*
The climb had been quite unforgiving; Mary had to sit down for a while for her breathing to return to normal. Sirius was in even worse of a state, though, instead of taking a breath, he`d lit up a cigarette by snipping his fingers. The foolish bastard.
Their group wasn`t yet complete. Remus had fallen behind and James had been gallant enough to keep him company. Peter and Desdemona were also taking their sweet time to saunter up the hill – holding hands, more absorbed in eachother than the magnificently beautiful view.
`I think we should wait for them before we go any further.` Lily said, holding a hand above her eyes as she peered down the slope.
`Missing Potter already?` Mary asked teasingly. She couldn`t be more happy for the two of them; it had been about time!
Lily did neither confirm nor deny Mary`s question, and instead became absolutely fascinated with her tour guide – practically pressing it into her face. Mary rolled her eyes; even Lily wasn`t that interested in castle ruins.
As she had been the first to arrive at the top, Marlene had already wandered a little further along the edge of the cliffs. Mary could see her sitting on a ragged protrusion of rock, close to the wooden fence, knees pulled up to her chest.
Getting to her feet, Mary decided to go talk to her. She reckoned that it would be best if she were the one to break the distance between them.
`It`s beautiful, innit?` Mary offered as she sat down next to Marlene – keeping her distance to give her a way out of the ambush.
`Aye.` Marlene nodded – eyes fixed on the sea.
The azure water shimmered in the midday sun – contrasting starkly with the fair beach and cliffs.
`Are you alright?`
`S`pose so,` Marlene shrugged. `Just feel like an eejit. Feel really embarrassed.`
Mary huffed. `Don`t. If there`s anyone who should be embarrassed, it`s me.`
Marlene frowned at her – eyes squinting against the sun. `Why should you be embarrassed?`
Pulling up her shoulders, Mary hugged her bare arms around her torso. `Can`t believe I didn`t realise - can`t believe I didn`t know sooner.`
`Well - you weren`t supposed to know.` Marlene let out a humourless snort. `That was the whole point. Didn`t even know myself for a long time.`
`Can I just ask you a question? If it isn`t too intrusive.`
Marlene seemed to hesitate, then she pressed her lips together and nodded. `Sure.`
`How long?`
`Erm…` Marlene bit her lip, looking up to the sky. `Third year – aye, about third year.`
`Shit.` Mary`s stomach dropped. Marlene had been having feelings for her for years; this wasn`t something new.
`Aye, shite.` Marlene chuckled and looked at the ground. `Cheers for not … for not acting weird about me being a … lesbian.` She almost whispered the last word.
`I`d be a proper wanker if I`d acted any other way.` Mary replied. It hadn`t even popped into her head to be weird about it. She fancied people all the time. Marlene just fancied girls; as straightforward as that. `You`re my best friend – nothing`s going to change about that fact.`
They listened to the waves crashing and melting on the shore.
`Will you be alright?` Mary asked after a while.
`Think so.` Marlene shrugged. `Come-` She dusted her trousers and rose. `Let`s see if those muppets have made it to the top without collapsing.`
*
`Do they have to make everything into some sort of contest? They look like a bunch of fools.` Mary shook her head and leaned back on her elbows.
James, Peter, and Sirius were acting out a ferocious swordfight battle with a couple of discarded sticks – jumping up and down the wrecked pieced of castle. The girls and Remus were sitting to the side on a pile of rocks – lapping up the gilded sun.
Lily shrugged; her eyes were only seeing James. She was just content to be there with their entire group. It didn`t matter that the boys were making absolute fools of themselves. James might be a fool, but at least he was her fool.
`You`d feel a lot fitter if you didn`t fill your lungs up with that shit.` Marlene reprimanded Remus as he rolled up a cigarette.
`Here for a good time, not a long time, Marls,` came Remus` cryptic reply.
There was a staircase just to their left. Lily decided to mount it so she could regard the spectacle from above.
James caught her eye and waved zealously – sending her heart reeling. Sirius was now fighting Peter, who was apparently supposed to be some sort of dragon.
`I need to protect you!` James came running up to her.
`What?` Lily laughed.
`The princess needs protection from that abomination of a creature – that vile beast of a dragon!` With one swift motion he grabbed her off the stairs and threw her over his shoulder.
Taken by surprise, Lily squealed as James started running with her – his strong arms gripping her firmly. `Put me down!` she cried laughing - beating her fists against his sturdy back.
`Never!` James hollered as he kept on running. `I will not rest until you are safe, my Lady.`
There was no saviour; Lily was defenceless. Jostled from left to right she saw the grass skirt away underneath them - hair dangling in her face as she hung upside down.
Finally, James put her down – still holding her in his arms. Nothing but the two of them existed in that moment; everything else was superfluous. Lily wanted to savour every breath and never let go.
When it was time to head back to the campsite, Lily and James took the lead – hand in hand, as if it had never been any different.
*
Friday July 15th 1977
`Marls,` someone was shaking her shoulder. `Marls, wake up.`
Groggily, Marlene sat up in her sleeping bag. She blinked her eyes, it was still utterly dark inside the tent. `What`s wrong?` There could only be something awry if Mary were awake at this wicked hour.
Mary was already out of her sleeping bag. `Want to go for a swim?`
`What time is it?` Marlene rubbed her eyes.
`Five-ish.`
`Are you ill?`
Mary shook her head, grinning. `No, just thought it might be nice. It`s our last morning here. Sunset swim.`
`You`re mad.` Marlene shook her head grinning, but didn`t let it be told twice.
They woke up Lily was well – prising her loose from James` grip.
Not even ten minutes later, they were heading down to the beach – clad in their swimming costumes. The sun was barely above the horizon and it was bitterly cold. The sky was robin egg blue with streeks of strawberry pink and amber – dotted with creamlike clouds. Marlene`s hair was caught by the mellow wind as she put down her towel.
They had spent the week strolling through picturesque towns; hiking along the coastline; drinking in pubs; swimming until sunset; eating ice-cream, pasties, and fresh fruit in abundance; cooking mediocre meals on their gas burner; crawling through caves; making bonfires; collecting shells and wildflowers; playing card games; making sandcastles; getting lost in the hillside.
Marlene had laughed and cried until she thought she might boak. It had been hardship and healing. It had been tough. But oh - had it been worth it! Every single second of it a sugary drop on her tongue.
The three of them waded out into the water. Day by day, Mary had become more confident in her swimming. Marlene had stood by her side, until, eventually, she`d been able to go in by herself. Now, she was languidly swimming next to them.
`I wish we didn`t have to go.` Lily sighed.
`Me neither.` Marlene turned onto her back and let the waves carry her.
`We should move here – after school.`
`We should.` Mary replied
They all knew it were idle promises; there was no telling as to what the future had in stock for any of them.
There was still a full month of summer left before their final year of school would begin in earnest. Until then, they`d be parting ways - all going home. Hollyhock was waiting for her – another seaside, another haven. It struck Marlene that she`d barely been homesick.
It was hard to be homesick when the people who were with her were her true home.
///