Sixth Year, The Final Stretch on the Road to Summer
Late April 1977
Ever since Lily had been old enough to grasp the enthralling tales of yearning, she`d imagined that the first time she`d truly fall for someone would feel like getting knocked down by an ocean tide - sudden and without caution. She`d mercilessly be swept away by the building waves; overcome; carried to shore as a piece of driftwood. The wind would swell as an orchestra building up to a magnificent crescendo. Time would stop and fold in on itself, creating a gap in the fabric of reality. Love would be unambiguous – crystal clear.
Instead love – though it felt like too strong of a word for now – had crept up on her. It had been lingering around, prowling at the edges of her periphery as a beast patiently in waiting. It had grown - waxing as the moon in the night sky. Until it had pounced on her - knocking her off her feet.
From up close, you don`t notice something blossoming into existence until it unexpectedly appears right before your eyes. Akin to the unawareness of getting taller; of your skin stretching and your limbs getting longer. Until a relative you haven`t seen for a long time calls on you and says: `My, how big you`ve gotten!`, and you look into the mirror and the face staring back at you from the glass isn`t the same as you remember it being.
Having fallen for James had felt like walking along a pathway which had started out with merely small saplings and low-lying brambles, only to tilt her head skywards after a couple of hours and take notice of the titanic canopies of trees. It had felt like the moment in spring when the foliage decides to stop being shy and bursts its buds – exploding in a plethora of flowers.
However - without a doubt - somewhere between all the annoyance, the bickering, and the pure loathing, Lily had fallen for James.
It had taken quite a while to come to terms with the fact. When Lily truly thought about it, she`d probably been in denial about her feelings longer than she`d ever dare to tell anyone. It felt scary – too big to properly wrap her head around. If she gave in, and let herself have these feelings, it would mean a lot more than just an innocent crush. This was not some harmless game; there were stakes.
It felt as frighting as it felt exciting.
*
Sunday April 24th 1977
Finally, after an endlessly dire winter, the weather had mellowed and eased into spring. Which came in convenient, for it made sitting in the spectator stands during quidditch practice far more pleasant. For the past couple of months, Lily had dutifully been attending every single training session. Marlene being on the team had been a marvellous cover for her sneaky endeavours. Every time someone raised suspicion, she could play the loyal-friend-card.
These excursions did make her feel a tiny bit foolish. Sacrificing valuable time to sit out in the cold and watch James zoom around for a couple of hours with a bunch of other muddy teenagers felt incredibly irresponsible - and rather out of character. Even if she did take her revision material to the stands, it rarely got done. It was excruciatingly difficult to concentrate on something as dull as the dates of historical events when the alternative was to look at James. It just didn`t seem to get old. Alas.
That morning, only half the team was present on the field; something Lily had only noticed upon sitting down in her usual spot.
Fortunately - him being the captain - James was always there. It was inexplicable how attractive it was to see James wield such authority; it was possibly the most responsible Lily ever saw him be. Before he had become her fellow prefect, Lily had thought of James as being horridly irresponsible. Yet, as she had noted, he was surprisingly caring and thoughtful. He had a certainty to him which could put even the most rambunctious of people at ease.
Lily put her arms on the wooden banister in front of her and made a pillow with her hands - resting her cheek on it as she gazed out over the pitch.
Unexpectedly, there was the lumbering of laboured footsteps; she spun around to see Remus approaching. He trotted towards her with a slight hitch in his step – one hand supporting his hip.
`Hiya, Lily,` he said, smiling at her – the surprise filtering through his voice. `What are you doing here?`
She grinned back at him – guiltily - feeling caught and unsure how to answer.
`Hi! Er…just watching Marls practice.` The moment at which the words left her lips she knew that she was in trouble. `Moral support and all that.`
`Oh right.` Remus nodded. `Mind if I join you.`
Lily hummed in approval and moved her bag aside so he could sit down. Nervously she kept her gaze directed at the pitch, watching the players spurt back and forth between the goalposts. Part of her desperately wished that Remus wouldn`t notice anything out of the ordinary. But then, almost nothing went unnoticed by Remus.
`Er…Lily,` he spoke after they`d sat in complete silence for a couple of beats. `Did you know that Marlene isn`t playing today?`
Lily bit the insides of her cheeks before answering. `Yes.` She looked down at her knees as if she`d suddenly become enthralled by the pattern of her skirt. She hoped that her hair was able to hide the flush in her cheeks. Furtively she glanced at Remus as she awaited his reply.
A look of utter bewilderment passed over Remus` face, then his eyes widened and he lowered his voice. `So you`re here to watch…`
`Don`t make me say it, Remus.` Lily sighed. It was embarrassing enough that he`d caught her here in the act of gawking at James; no need to make the whole ordeal worse than that it already was. `Go on then, let me have it.` She lifted her head and carefully tucked her curls behind her ears – feeling extremely vulnerable.
`What!?` Remus whispered, looking at her with a baffled gawp.
Lily rolled her eyes and turned to face the field once more. `Tease me, make fun of me, tell me I`m a complete idiot…` she trailed off. `I already know.`
`I don`t think you`re an idiot for fancying James.` Remus chuckled, giving her a gentle shove. `But…I mean, it`s a bit funny, after all this time.`
`Ugh, I know,` she moaned exasperated. `I can`t bloody believe it.`
`Does he know?`
`No!` Lily gasped – her stomach sinking at the thought of it. `I`d absolutely die!`
`Why!?` Remus stared at her. `You don`t honestly think he`ll turn you down? He`s been hoping for this exact thing for years!`
Her stomach dropped again. `Exactly!` She let out – flinging her hands up into the air. `He`s wanted it forever, and I`ve only wanted it for…er…well maybe a little while, actually…but nowhere as near as long. If I give in now, he`s so intense. I might break his heart.`
Gnawing on her lip, she watched as James blew his whistle. That was the thing she worried about the most: hurting him. She`d hate to let him down with the reality of herself; to puncture his balloon. He`d had years of munition to build her up to this wonderful enigma.
`You might,` Remus mulled. `But I think James Potter would consider it an honour to have his heart broken by you.`
Lily guffawed. `Remus, honestly, you sound as bad as he does. I`m not this…I dunno, perfect `dream girl` who`s going to breeze into his life and make all the crap stuff wonderful. I`m not a fairytale. I`m really annoying, I`m a complete mess in the mornings – ask Mary – and I hate losing arguments, and I shout when I`m angry, and my nose runs when I cry. I don`t know anything about quidditch and I don`t really want to learn, either.`
`So?` Remus raised his eyebrows, questioning. `I`m pretty sure he knows most of that. If he doesn`t then I don`t think it`ll hurt for him to find out. Anyway, it`s not as if James is perfect, I`ve smelled his socks.`
Lily burst out laughing. Funnily enough, him saying that did make her feel better. `Thanks, Remus.`
`Going to tell him?` he asked.
She scrunched up her nose. `Nah,` she shook her head. `Want to think about it a bit more first.`
`Just going to stare at him riding his broom for hours on end?`
`If I want to!` She gave him a push. `He`s easy on the eye, what can I say?`
Remus smiled, then swallowed. `Don`t leave it too long. It gets harder, the longer you wait.`
Lily felt caught off-guard by this remark. She frowned, studying his face. `Oh yeah? You seem very wise in the ways of love, all of a sudden.`
`Nah,` Remus chuckled - unconvincingly. `I just read lots.`
There was a sadness in his voice that Lily hadn`t noticed being there before, but she nodded understanding and nuzzled her head down on his shoulder.
***
Mid-May 1977
`Did you get that last question?`
`Which one? The one about motion manipulation?` Marlene asked, gnawing on a lock of hair as she peered down at the notes on her lap.
`Yeah,` Mary replied, leaning back against the weather-beaten pilar.
`Hm - reckon I did.`
`Couldn`t remember one bloody thing - must have blocked out that entire lesson. Hope I didn`t flunk the exam…`
`You better not – it`s bad enough we have so little classes together as it is.`
They`d just completed their written Charms examination; Marlene`s hand was still violently cramping from gripping her quill too tightly. Part of their class was lounging outside – soaking up the honeyed sunlight. Mary had kicked off her shoes and was perched on the low stone ledge which enclosed the courtyard. Marlene was seated on the grass – legs outstretched in front of her.
`Hey, quit reading,` Mary shoved Marlene gently against her shoulder. `You`re allowed to have some time off between exams. You`re turning into Lily.`
Marlene shook her head. `These potions ingredients won`t remember themselves. Reckon Slughorn won`t like it if I accidentally poison him.`
Nimble as a cat, Mary snatched the stack of parchment out of Marlene`s hands - concealing them behind her back. `Ah, his loss – sure he knows his antidotes.` Her eyes twinkled impishly – prompting summersaults in Marlene`s stomach.
`Oi!` Marlene jumped to her feet - simultaneously indagated and incredibly pleased. `Give those back, will you! I need them.`
Mary stuck out her pink tongue – keeping the notes safely hidden behind her back. Then her eyes suddenly widened. `Oh bollocks,` she jumped off the ledge. `Quick, hide me.`
`Hide you?` Marlene asked, utterly bewildered. `Hide you where - for - why? Mary-`
However, Mary had already crouched down behind the ledge and put a long-nailed finger in front of her lips – eyes gesticulating urgently.
With a furrowed brow, Marlene scanned the perimeter, looking for the source of Mary`s distress. Soon it came into her line of vision. Or rather: he came into her line of vision. Roman halted in the middle of the courtyard, ostensibly on the lookout for something – a hand shielding his eyes against the bright light. Eventually, his gaze fixed on Marlene. Taking big purposeful strides he approached her, leaving deep imprints in the grass. His blonde hair appeared almost golden in the sun and cascaded down his back in turbulent waves. Mary was still hiding behind the ledge.
Roman didn`t even bother to start with an introduction. `Seen Mary anywhere?`
Marlene gulped nervously. `Nope.` She shook her head.
`Hm,` Roman frowned. `You sure?`
`Aye.` Marlene nodded. Although she despised having to lie to someone, she felt absolutely giddy with the excitement of being in cahoots with Mary.
`Oh well, alright,` Roman sighed, sounding annoyed. `If you do see her, send her my way, will you?` He didn`t wait for her answer – taking it for a given - and marched off in the opposite direction.
Marlene waited for what she thought was an appropriate amount of time before she glanced behind the ledge again.
`Is he gone?` Mary mouthed at her – eyes wide.
Just to be sure, Marlene probed the courtyard for any sign of Roman. `Aye, he`s gone,` she whispered back.
Mary got back to her feet, clambered over the ledge onto the grass, smoothed her skirt, and shimmied her tights back up her legs. `That was a close one - cheers for covering for me. Better get out of here before he comes back.` Decisively she grabbed Marlene by her arm – her soft hands grazing the skin of her bare wrists.
Hastily, Marlene snatched her stack of Potion notes off the ground, before she was roughly towed along by Mary. `What`s going on?` she asked – bewildered - as they practically ran out of the courtyard. `Are you two in a row?`
`Hm no, worse,` Mary replied enigmatically.
`Are you breaking up?` Marlene asked - desperately wishing she didn`t sound too hopeful. Her abdomen was a thunderstorm of butterflies.
`He`s been talking about taking me to meet his parents.` Mary scrunched up her lightly freckled nose.
`His parents?` Marlene said, disappointedly.
`Yeah, over the summer,` Mary sighed. They`d slowed down again as they neared the lake, still, Mary kept holding onto her arm. Her short plump body fitted perfectly against her own willowy frame. `He`s been going on – and on – about it. Even bought me this truly horrific frilly dress. I mean - it`s nice and all - but I don`t rely fancy going to meet his parents – don`t really see the point.`
Gingerly they descended towards the bank of the Great Lake, keeping in the shadow of the rustling beech trees.
`Besides, I`d have to tell him that I`ve already got plans for the summer.`
`You haven`t told him about Cornwall?`
Mary shook her head. `Nah, he`d want to come along – he can be so bloody clingy,` she rolled her eyes. `Dorcas already told me Peter asked her to join us – and I just don`t really fancy Roman tagging along as well.`
Marlene hid a grin in the palm of her hand.
They sat down on a large boulder in the grove, overlooking the placid surface of the lake. Mary rested her head on Marlene`s shoulder and sighed – her warm breath skimming the hollow of Marlene`s collarbone.
Marlene`s entire body felt as if it were set alight in fervent flames – tingles spreading from the tips of her toes to the utmost crown of her head. Every sensation in her entire body felt enhanced – as if she`d grown roots and could feel the entire earth around her. Entranced, she swallowed - trying to keep herself tethered to the earthy realm.
`I`m really looking forward to it just being us girls.` Mary spoke softly.
`Aye, us girls…and that group of eeijts.` Marelene chuckled nervously.
`Oh my God,` Mary groaned. `Almost forgot about them.`
`Well, they`re easy to forget.`
*
Late-May 1977
Her knees resting on the cool tiles, Marlene hunched over the toilet bowl. It felt as though all the blood had left her head – seeping down her neck and shoulders. There was a pungent sour taste in the back of her throat, which was gradually creeping up on her. She gagged – tasting bile. Lily was holding her grown-out hair back from her clammy face.
`I can`t do it,` Marlene sobbed – gagging again. `I can`t.`
`Yes, you can,` Lily replied – gently, yet stern. `You managed to do it before.`
`What if I lose an arm or- or a leg?`
`Then you`ll sow it back on.` Mary said dryly.
`Not helping,` Lily bit. `Bolster, bolster.`
All three of them were congregated in their tiny bathroom. It was the morning of their apparition final; today would determine whether or not they would get a licence to apparate.
`You`ve not splinched yourself once, Marls,` Lily said. `What makes you think that you will this time?
Marlene shook her head. `I don`t know - I just can`t stop thinking about it.` Her mind felt like a warzone; she was in the trenches – in the thick of it.
`I think it`s just the pressure talking.`
`No, it`s not - I can`t do it.`
In all fairness, it was true: Marlene had been able to apparate for a couple of weeks now without any serious complications. Nonetheless, it kept turning out to be a dreadful experience altogether. The hardest part was the moment before she actually pushed off. Like stepping into the deep end - feeling the ground give way underneath her feet. Her heart would start to hammer as a demonic metronome - her mind seized by gruesome thoughts.
`Marls,` Mary said – her voice softer. `You`re one of the bravest people I know - you can do anything.`
`I`m not brave,` Marlene hickuped and wiped her tear-streaked chin. `I`m always anxious – about everything. I`m a rubbish Gryffindor – should`ve put me somewhere else.`
Mary and Lily huffed in chorus.
`Yeah, right.` Mary crossed her arms. `Then how come you`re a bloody beater – of all things? Or go swimming in that freezing lake in fucking April – absolutely mental.`
`Yes, what about wanting to become a healer?` Lily injected, still holding Marlene`s hair. `That`s no easy profession.`
Marlene was taken aback; she opened and close her mouth a couple of times in protest. Some of the blood had come rushing back to her head by now. `That I do those things doesn`t mean that they don`t scare the absolute shite out of me,` she mumbled and sniffed her nose.
`See,` Mary said. `You`re scared, yet you do it anyway. That`s bravery, love.`
Marlene swallowed a couple of times, then nodded and rose - letting Lily aid her. `Alright then.`
With Mary`s voice still echoing in the back of her mind, she went into the exam that afternoon. With Mary`s voice still echoing in the back of her mind, she shut her eyes, spun around, and felt the whirlpool suck her into the void. With Mary`s voice still echoing in the back of her mind, she accepted the apparition certificate at the end of the day.
That night, she fell asleep with those same words still reverberating against the sides of her skull – feeling as though she could conquer the world. That`s bravery, love.
***
June 1977
They were nearing the end of the exam period, however, that didn`t mean that the tension inside the castle had mollified. If anything: everybody seemed weary - worn-down to their last threads, bone tired. They were in luck that summer was almost upon them.
Since Mary had dropped a lot of her facultative classes the previous year, she had ample stretches of leisurely time. All the while, everybody else was still scurrying around – trying to cram every last morsel of information into their already overflowing heads.
Which made matters even worse was the recent romantic tragedy which had ensued between Sirius and Emmeline. In other words: they had broken up. It had been a tedious and dramatic procedure, yet they`d finally bitten the bullet. And a bullet it was.
`Black, next time you decide to break someone`s heart, can you do it outside of the exam period?` Lily moaned in exasperation as yet another turntable started to cry out the woeful tones of PP Arnold.
`Baby I`ll try to love again, but I know…
The first cut is the deepest.`
`What d`you want me to do about it?!` Sirius yelled, thundering from one corner to the next in an attempt to turn off the obnoxiously loud music.
Ostensibly, Emmilene had not taken the breakup all that well. She`d hexed every single music player inside the castle to start blasting upsetting love songs whenever Sirius entered a room. Frankly: it was quite ingenious. She should take notes.
Mary regarded the spectacle with amusement, trying not to laugh. Lily had taught her a German word: schadenfreude. Translated quite literally it meant: misery-joy. To relish in someone else`s misfortune. Mary thought it was quite applicable in this situation.
`Just apologise to her and get the bloody spell lifted.` Lily shouted out above the music.
Sirius was almost drowned out by the noise as he hollered back, `I`ve got nothing to apologise for!` Frantic, he started flicking his wand at the turntable. `Silencio! Silencio silencio. SILENCIO!`
The silence when the music finally stopped was almost deafening. Granting, who knew how long it would last.
`Got to give it to the girl,` Mary snorted. `She`s creative.`
Marlene gave a little giggle; she was laying on her stomach on the rug whilst Mary straddled her back, playing with her fair hair. Marlene`s hands were folded underneath her head as a pillow; she looked more relaxed than Mary had seen her in ages.
`Oh yeah, go on, take her side, you lot.` Sirius spat. `Bloody women.` He dropped down in an armchair and glowered at the fireplace as if he were trying to light it with his mind. `Anyone got a fag?` Nobody replied to this plea.
`Not surprised she dumped you,` Mary said, raising her eyebrows teasingly. `You`re a miserably git these days. I`m well shot of you.` She winked at him – hoping it might cheer him up. It did; his face softened.
`You love me really,` Sirius mumbled.
Mary shrugged her shoulders. She did. However much of an absolute arse Sirius could be, she did still love him. Not like she had before – not a romantic sort of love – but she did nonetheless.
`Let`s talk about something else,` Marlene mumbled – not raising her head. `Not exams or bloody relationships. Potter, what`s going on with this camping trip?`
A huge smile appeared on James` face – splitting his face like ripe fruit. `All sorted – you lot just need to show up,` he said. `With your tents, obviously.`
`Dad says I can borrow the family ones, as long as I take care of them,` Lily spoke. `Two two-sleepers.`
`Cosy,` Sirius cocked a mocking eyebrow. `With seven of us going.`
`Eight,` Peter injected– putting a finger into the air. `James said I could bring Dorcas.`
Even though she wasn`t part of their usual gang, Mary didn`t mind Dorcas coming along with them to Cornwall. She could get along with her well enough, and it would be nice to have another Black girl on the campsite. Initially, she had been a little surprised about Peter`s involvement with Dorcas, though eventually, she`d stopped questioning it. Peter was nice; not everyone fell for the type of boys she did.
Mary was still completely set on her decision to leave Roman in the dark about their camping trip. He could be rather snobbish at times and was sure to haul up his nose for something as muggle and mundane as camping. At times, Mary wondered whether he was just a blond – even more conceited – version of Sirius. Ah well: she had a type.
`Well,` Lily steered the conversation back around. `I was rather hoping that you boys would bring your own tent, actually.` She shot Sirius a dirty look.
`Mum said in her last letter that there`s a muggle camping supply shop in our village.` James interjected quickly. `So we`ll get ours as soon as we`re home. You`re definitely coming to stay, this summer, right Moony?` James looked imploringly at Remus.
`If it`s still ok?` Remus asked – his voice wavering.
`Of course.` James nodded eagerly. Mary still remembered how welcoming the Potter`s had been to her when she`d come to stay with them. `This summer is going to be great.`
`How are we getting to Cornwall?` Marlene asked. Mary could feel her back tense underneath her thighs. `Apparating?`
`If we`ve all passed, yeah.`
Unanimously all eyes shot towards at Peter. He was the only one of their group who hadn`t gotten his licence yet. There would be a second-chance to do the exam the following week; they were all counting on him.
`I`m really trying,` Peter said, looking at his hands. `I could get the Knight Bus?`
`It`ll be fine,` James replied reassuringly, patting Peter`s back. `I promise. Best summer ever.`
Mary went back to braiding and unfurling Marlene`s hair. It was a soothing activity. It reminded her of her mother doing her own cornrows in their kitchen; the hard comb against her skin, the smell of the oil, the tugging sensation on her scalp.
It had been surprisingly easy to convince her parents to let her go to Cornwall. The previous Hogsmeade weekend, Mary had taken the effort to ring the flat from the phone box at the edge of the forbidden forest. She`d expected more counterweight from them – especially since there were boys involved. Even though her mother had been rather disgruntled - complaining about how little she saw of her daughter as it was already – she`d quite readily agreed to let her go.
Mary suspected that they were secretly glad to have the surplus space for the summer. Their small flat had the tendency to run boiling hot during the warmer months – every living, breathing body adding to the suffocating dampness.
The heat would be stifling and paralysing. It would be good to be out of the city for a while – inhale some salty air and stick her toes in the sand. When she was much younger, they`d go to seaside every summer. Yet with limited income, too many children, and no means of transportation, those holidays had slipped away from them.
Granting, this camping trip wouldn`t last for the entire summer; it was only a week. She`d still need to fill the other ones – which gaped as at her as a tooth cavity. There was always the option to meet Roman`s parents, though, Mary would rather flagellate herself. Perhaps, she`d head back to Sussex with Marlene - spend the entire summer at the seafront. Or she could get a job waitressing; she knew that there were plenty available. If there hadn`t been a camping trip at all, she would probably have done so anyway. Besides, she might need to; this holiday would certainly cost her money. Money that her parents weren`t able to facilitate.
For now, those concerns could be put aside for a later date. They`d better get this camping trip off the ground first.
///