Third Year, Elephants and Bears oh my
Sunday October 21st 1973
After coming to the revelation that what she had been feeling for Mary all along had been something more than friendship, Marlene had dragged herself through the five stages of what one might have been able to call grief.
Denial; After the episode in the alcove behind the tapestry - from which Marlene had fled as soon as she had been able to tear herself away from Mary`s eyes - she`d told herself that she must have been mistaken. That she must have misread the situation. She fancying Mary? Don`t be ridiculous. Whoever had heard of something so preposterous? Mary was a girl for crying out loud! Marlene couldn`t be fancying a girl, that was too absurd to be true. Of course she knew about girls fancying girls, but it had never come into her head that she herself might be queer.
Obviously she had thought about it. Certainly after Camille. But, oh come on, who hadn`t? She`d just thought that everybody had just agreed on the fact that girls were way nicer and prettier than boys; that was just common knowledge. Wasn`t everybody always looking at girls wondering what it would be like to hold their hand, or just touch their face, just… Shite.
Anger; The first state of confusion was soon followed by unbridled rage. She, Marlene, fancying Mary?! Who had come up with that! Not only was Mary a girl -and very obviously enamoured with Sirius at that- but she was also her friend, her best friend. Marlene had never had that many friends in the first place and now she fancied one of them for crying out loud! Fecking ridiculous it was; she could even listen to one bloody song without thinking of her.
Fortunately, anger was an emotion she knew how to deal with, unlike her gigantic dragon-sized crush on her best friend and dormmate. Oh Merlin, Mary was her dormmate. Being a beater on the quidditch team certainly had its perks. For one, nobody looked at her in bewilderment as she whacked bludgers around the pitch as if she was trying to put the entire opposing team into the hospital wing. James even applauded her on her efforts. And that brought her to stage three…
Bargaining; James. What to do about the James situation. How was she able to fancy Mary when she already fancied James, hm? Had anybody even though about that? No, she was sure they hadn`t. You couldn`t fancy two people at once. But then…had she even fancied James in the first place? Sure, he was a good quidditch player, he was nice, if she`d try hard enough she was sure she could try to fancy him. But there it was, that little, nasty word: try. Never had she felt any of those bloody butterflies for him, unlike when she was around Mary. She`d never had those around James. Fuckan butterflies, they should exterminate the lot of them. Aye, the anger was also still there.
She tried to throw herself in her studies, avoiding Mary, distracting herself, thinking that maybe if she could be good enough in school that she wouldn`t have those feelings. That if she would just avoided the problem all together it would disappear. Tit for tat.
But then Mary would walk into a room and it would feel like Marlene`s entire body turned into a pile of mush and she had to scrape herself off the floor to even be considered human.
Depression; Aye, the big whopper. The sadness, the absolute gut-wrenching sorrow that seemed to seep over her, into every pore of her being, like a giant plughole had been pulled out. Big salty waves of it, caking into her crevasses and making every movement hard and tiresome. It felt as though a general moroseness had been put over her, like some sort of opaque dome. It was hard to get out of bed, hard to do anything really. Even quidditch began to feel like a chore and she began to fall behind on her studies.
The crashing reality that Mary would probably never feel about her the same way she felt about her. Surely Marlene could dream about it, but then she`d wake up in reality and feel herself once again plummeting down. Mary fancied Sirius. Fecking git. It was as if with the realisation that Marlene didn`t like boys - and probably never would - she lost something more than just one simple thing. Her whole image of herself, of her future, of everything, came crumbling down on her. Almost it felt like something tangible had been ripped out of her chest, something vital. Nobody had ever told her how to handle this. Nobody had prepared her for this.
Acceptance; She liked girls. Marlene McKinnon was a lesbian. A raging queer. Oh, Merlin. There was a long way between acknowledgement and actual genuine acceptance. Admitting it to herself was probably the first step, everything from there still felt like a big gaping uncertain hole of nothingness.
And that was where she was now. Sort of stepping into a stage of acceptance, mostly still in the land of confusion and aguish.
What did not help, not in the slightest, was the fact that when it came to having a crush, Lily, of all people, was even worse than Mary. Truly, Marlene would have never held Lily for a hopeless romantic. But there was absolutely no denying that she was. Even Mary was getting annoyed.
`Oh my God, enough with the Bowie already!` Mary yelped in despair, clasping her hands over her ears as Lily turned the record to the other side for the second time that morning.
`But Remus likes David Bowie and I want to learn the words!` Lily pleaded, laying on her belly on top of the rug, listening to their record player.
`No.` Mary said resolutely and took the record off the needle.
`I know someone else who loves Bowie.` Lily held on.
Something in Mary`s gaze seemed to shift, but Marlene was truly not having it any longer so she got up.
`Bowie, or no Bowie, I don`t care. I`m done with you two. I`m trying to do my homework and you two are acting like two lovesick eejits.` she spat and gathered her books to head off towards the library. She had found that the best way to deal with her crush on Mary was to act the exact opposite of how she was feeling. Meaning she was lashing out at her a lot, while she actually wanted to act like a lovesick eejit herself.
The library was practically deserted, it being a Sunday. In the back, on a sole desk, Marlene spotted a familiar head of pale blond hair. Good, Peter, he wasn`t involved in any of this.
`Alright.` she nodded at the pink cheeked boy.
`Hi.` Peter smiled shyly up at her, he was playing a game of wizard chess against himself. It looked like he was winning.
`Erm…care if I join you?` Marlene asked, nervously tearing at a piece of skin on one of her nail beds. She usually never took the initiative to approach someone.
`No, go ahead.` Peter gestured at one of the empty seat around the desk, looking mildly surprised. `No Evans or Macdonald?`
`No, they have lost their minds.` Marlene sighed, pulling out a chair. Peter looked confused. `Don`t ask. Not worth it.`
`Hm.` Peter nodded. `My dormmates have also driven me out. Sirius can be…erm…`
`A massive prick?` Marlene offered.
`I was going to say a bit much.` Peter chuckled. `But, sure- Checkmate!` he cried as his queen got a hold of the opponents king; smashing it down violently.
`You play a lot?` Marlene asked, pointing at the chess board. It was wizard chess. All the pieces moved and had a mind of their own.
`Jup.` Peter nodded. `Used to play loads with my older sister.`
`You have a sister?` Marlene asked, feeling surprised. She still knew surprisingly little about Peter.
`Not really supposed to talk about her.` Peter flushed red. `She erm- Well, yeah, no I shouldn`t talk about it. Mum would like it.`
`Oh.` Marlene bit her lip, and after a pause added, `My brother thought me how to play.`
`You play?`
`Aye.` Marlene nodded.
`Well show me what you`ve got.` Peter grinned and started setting up the board again.
`Alright.` Marlene grinned.
Though Peter did win within only a couple of moves - completely cornering her king - she did have a thoroughly enjoyable time. They parted with the promise to do it again sometime soon.
***
Tuesday October 30th 1973
It was the day before Halloween and the castle was already decorated for the occasion. All around, thin silvery cobwebs were strung between the banisters, glittering iridescently in the warm glow of the candles. Large pumpkins, cultivated by Rubeus Hagrid, the groundkeeper, were set up on every corner, each one adorned with oddly humanlike expressions.
Yet, the most spooky thing of all was the fact that Lily now suddenly had to deal with the reality of having a crush. She`d never fancied anyone before and frankly she didn`t know how to act. No wonder Mary had been acting completely off her head for the last year and a bit. For the first time ever, Lily noticed her thoughts drifting off during lessons, being torn away by ponderings about the tiniest interaction she`d had and Remus. Every encounter, everything that happened between them, she examined to the most minute detail. It was annoying honestly. Charms she knew how to do, writing essays she knew how to manage, even the most advanced potions didn`t get her off her head, but having a crush? No way.
Suddenly, every song reminded her of Remus. In every book she read he seemed to make an unexpected appearance. Every time he was near she felt herself flush red and felt the sudden impeding urge to act a complete fool, only to draw his attention. She`d even started listening to Bowie, solely so she could bring it up the next time during Ancient Runes to impress Remus. God, it was embarrassing to say the least.
In her weekly letter to Petunia she`d even confessed to fancying Remus. Lily thought it`d be safe, seeing as Petunia didn`t even knew him. Her sister wouldn`t be able tell it to someone else anyway. Besides, Lily wasn`t even sure if her sister read the letters she dutifully sent her; she`d never gotten one in return. While the two of them seemed to be getting along well enough during the holidays – a little tense at times, but still- Petunia still rejected everything that related to Hogwarts. Sometimes she`d ask her parents about her sister, just to know how she was getting on. Most of the time she just got the perfunctory response back that Petunia was doing fine, nothing out of the ordinary. More she wasn`t able to draw out of her parents.
Even though the majority of Lily`s thoughts now seemed to be consumed by one thing and one thing only, she tried her best to keep the lid on her constant ramblings. Because, while Mary was more than eager to gossip about the boys from Gryffindor tower, Marlene evidently wasn`t too pleased about it and fled the room almost immediately when the subject concerning boys started to prick its head up. Lily had noticed that Marlene had been in an odd mood lately, grumpier, easier agitated by little things. Lily was afraid this might be because James very obviously didn`t fancy Marlene back, since he`d made it very clear that he had in interest in Lily. Lily still didn`t really understand what his problem was; she didn`t fancy him back, what more was there to be said or done?
The sun was setting earlier and earlier and by the time dinner rolled around that evening, it had already gotten completely dark outside. It made the warm interior of the castle feel even more comforting.
Stepping into the Great Hall, Mary and Marlene following in her wake, Lily quickly scanned the Gryffindor table, looking for Remus` messy head of hair. If she`d got to sit close to him, she could slip in sneaky glances over her dinner. Micro dosing her desperate need for contact, so to speak.
They walked past the four boys, who were in a rather heated hushed sparring match. Lily tried to listen in, but couldn`t catch anything above the clattering of the cutely.
`Oi, Evans.` Remus suddenly called out to her; Lily`s stomach flipped. `Want to sit with us?`
She stopped walking and looked suspiciously at Remus; never before had he been this enthusiastic to see her, or asked her to join them during dinner. Still, she wouldn`t pass on an invitation if it came from him. Marlene and Mary shot eachother a befuddled glance.
`Why?` Lily asked.
`You`re a Gryffindor, we`re Gryffindors…` Sirius now said as he got up to make some space for her. Lily started to get warier by the second. Mary giggled behind her back. `We`re supposed to sit together. Plus, it`ll really bother Potter.` Sirius grinned.
`Well in that case.` Lily said primly, she would make use of any situation to bother Potter. Squeezing herself between the boys, Lily looked curiously at the James, who had turned completely red. `Why do I bother you, Potter?` she raised her eyebrows imploringly.
`You don`t.` he replied quickly, turning even redder. `They`re just prats.`
`Language, Potter!` Sirius squawked as he poured some gravy over his mashed potatoes and peas. Lily was holding off with putting anything on her plate. `That`s no way to talk in front of a lady.`
Lily resisted the urge to roll her eyes at him. `What`s going on?` she turned to face Remus, looking him in the eye. `Are you all making fun of me?` This seemed like just another silly prank the marauders were trying to pull on her.
`We`re making fun of James.` Peter squeaked, seemingly almost bursting with excitement.
Remus licked his lips, `I`m testing a spell on him.` he said.
Lily flashed her eyes from the one to the other, trying to gauge the situation. Mary and Marlene were already deep in discussion, obviously not on their way to stand by her.
`And what is the spell?` Lily asked, rather impatient, but also curious.
`Mutatio Verbi.` Remus said, grinning and raising his eyebrows at her, which made her heart soar.
Instantly, Lily`s eyebrows shot up, `Is that…oh my god, Remus,` she stared at him, amazed. `Which word?!`
`Um…` Remus faltered, turning red.
`Lumpy elephant dung.` James said, rather morosely. At this Peter shot some of his pumpkin juice out through his nose and flung his fork across the table.
Lily started giggling, not sure whether she`d heard that correctly. `What did you say, Potter?` she asked, bemused.
`Lll…Lumpy. ` James` face was practically bursting from exertion. `Lumpy elephant dung…lumpy.`
`Lumpy…?! Oh for pity`s sake!` Lily spat, her eyes widening as she glared at Sirius, fuming; he had to be behind this. Nobody had called her Lumpy since primary school. `It`s my name, isn`t it?`
`Don`t look at me.` Sirius held up his hands, innocently. `It was Moony`s idea!`
Immediately Lily felt herself soften and her anger turned into excitement. Remus had opted for her name, her name?
`Really, Remus?` she said, looking at him, trying to assess what he was thinking in that moment. Remus was so hard to read sometimes.
`Err…yeah, but it wasn`t meant to be offensive or anyth-` he began.
Lily`s heart practically burst out of her chest. `That`s amazing!` she gushed. `Really clever magic!`
From reading about word swapping spells, she knew it couldn`t have been easy. Magic like that needed to be preformed with a lot of willpower and concentration.
`Wait until tomorrow!` Peter spit out, wiping pumpkin juice from his jumper and face. Apparently someone kicked him under the table, for he peeped and got a pained expression on his face.
`I`m so sorry, elephant dung.` James whispered, his head hanging. He looked so genuinely miserable that even Lily had a little chuckle at this.
Later that evening she couldn`t stop thinking about how Remus had picked her name, of all the words he could have picked, he`d chosen her name. She shouldn`t get her hopes up. But still…
***
Wednesday October 31st 1973
If there was one thing everybody was be able to count on it was the fact that Hogwarts never disappointed in throwing an absolutely cracking feast. The Great Hall smelled heavenly and warm like apples, heady cinnamon, sweet sirup drenched raisins and roasted pumpkin. Professor Flitwick had charmed a couple dozen of giant glimmering black bats to swoop over the long oak wooden tables. The silvery cobwebs that hung between the rafters glittered in the golden candle light, giving the whole room a certain spooky glint.
All were in a spectacular mood. Even Marlene, who`d had a thundercloud hanging over her head for the past couple of weeks, seemed to cheer up a bit in the light of the festivities. Mary was glad to see her friend in a better mood. Lily had been soaring on cloud nine ever since the previous day, hence Mary didn`t really need to worry about her.
They`d taken a seat next to the boys on the long food laden table. Mary was sitting next to Sirius. It was the second time that week that she`d been able to secure that particular seat and she was extremely pleased with herself. Lily and Marlene were in deep discussion over which of the ghosts would win this year`s headless-hunt. Mary couldn`t care less if she was being honest, she was way to involved in the discussion Sirius was having with the other boys.
The boys had jinxed the entirety of Slytherin house to prohibit them from saying slurs. Mary thought it was absolutely brilliant.
`Nothing`s happening.`
`Well they`re not going to start insulting each other, are they?`
`We have to push them to it. Pete, you go and-` Sirius hissed.
`Oi, I`m pureblood.`
Mary sighed loudly. Honestly, even in times like these, they could be really dense.
`Oh yeah, fair play. Um…Moony, go and trip one of them or something. Do it to Snivellus. Or my cousin, yeah, get Cissy!` Sirius said excitedly, bumping his leg against hers under the table.
`No,` Mary spoke softly. `You three must be blind if you haven`t seen what`s going on around here.`
Mary met Remus` eyes shorty. It was sad really how unaware they seemingly were about the goings on at Hogwarts. The taunting from the Slytherins was unescapable and they seemed to be getting meaner and more vindictive with the darkening of the days.
`What`s been going on, then?` James implored, looking at her very seriously. `Do you get called stuff, Macdonald.`
Mary hauled her shoulders up to her ears and deliberately took a sip from her pumpkin juice; it wasn`t her task to educate them. She wasn`t going to explain to them how completely debilitating and humiliating it was to walk from one class to the other, getting called names, dodging hexes; the nasty sideways glances she got shot in some of her classes. She knew all the muggle-born or half-blood students had it bad. Though, she felt like somehow she got the worst of it. The most cruel of the blood purists made use of the situation to embellish the pestering with an edge of racism. Trying to cover up their racial bigotry, by the more generally accepted blood purity. She`d talked to Dorcas Meadows, a Hufflepuff third year, about this and she`d noticed the same.
James kept staring at her, urging her to say something.
`It`s been worse this year. You must know, Remus?` she said coyly, trying to direct the attention away from her alone.
Remus nodded, not completely paying attention and staring off into the distance, at the Slytherin house table. He wasn`t going to back her on this; that much was clear.
`So…` James went on. `Have all the muggleborns been getting it, then?` God, could he be more slow of understanding. `Even…even elephant dung – oh for fuck`s sake, Remus! Please fix me!`
Mary giggled, the word swap would be worth it for that alone.
`If you do my potion`s homework.` Remus replied without skipping a beat.
`Fine! Anything!` James pleaded. `I`ll give you my bloody broomstick if you`ll just-`
`Finite.`
James blinked confused and cleared his throat, standing up from the bench, `Lily Evans.` he said, his voice crisp and clear.
`What now, Potter?!` Lily spun around, gazing up at James with burning eyes. Marlene was also looking at him.
`Will you go out with me?`
`No.` Lily said primly and flicked her hair over her shoulder to turn back to Marlene. Mary tried to gauge how Marlene was feeling, but the latter didn`t let anything on.
`Cheers Moony.` James said, raising his glass.
`Any time.`
`Wait.` Sirius spoke up, bumping against Mary again. `Wait just a minute. The counter jinx was Finite Incantatum?!`
`Yep.` Remus grinned.
`But that`s just a standard counter spell!`
Bingo; Mary rolled her eyes.
Remus pulled up his shoulders, taking a sip from his goblet. `I never said it was anything difficult. You pure bloods don`t have an ounce of common sense between you.`
Mary burst out in a fit of laugher at this. Preach. James started spluttering, almost chocking on something; Sirius clapped him hard on his back.
`I swear, Moony. When it comes to evil schemes, none of us have got anything on you.`
Suddenly Peter pointed at the Slytherin table and squawked, `Look!`
A tiny second year Hufflepuff had lost their bearings in the hall and walked straight into Mulciber, who loitered menacingly over the kid.
`Yes,` Sirius whispered, excitedly. `Go on you big troll…` Mary felt equally as buzzed and grabbed Sirius hand beneath the table. Momentarily, Sirius seemed surprised by this, but didn`t pull back.
Trembling and on the verge of crying the Hufflepuff was spilling pumpkin juice all over themself and in result also over Mulciber. Mary nudged Lily in her ribs to pay attention; both she and Marlene turned to look.
`Clean that up, you angelic sweetie-pops.` Mulciber hissed, clutching the Hufflepuff’s tie.
A deadly silence dawned over the hall, nobody dared breath.
`What did you say, Mulciber?` Snape asked, looking horrified.
`Angelic sweety-pops!` Mulciber hollered, his snub nosed face almost purple. `No! I meant – darling sugar plum! No! Goody-gumdrops!`
Everybody started laughing. Mary let go of Sirius hand to clutch at her sides in hysterics; both Lily and Marlene were also practically rolling around on the ground. Though it was funny, it was also deeply disturbing.
`Bloody hell.` Sirius whispered. `Mulciber`s really got a mouth on him, eh? I didn`t think they`d use half of those.`
Ignorant; Mary thought.
`Sit down, you idiot.` Snape hissed at his friend, his pale face even whiter. Mulciber let go of the poor Hufflepuff`s tie and they slipped away, looking mortified at what had just happened to them. Mulciber looked like he might just get swallowed up by the floor. His face was a deep shade of purple and his neck had completely disappeared. Still he kept shouting all sorts of sweet nothings.
`That was brilliant, Sirius!` Mary yelped and took advantage of the situation to fling her arms around the boy and hug him.
Sirius flipped his hair over his shoulder as she let go of him and looked at her cheekily, `Just wait,` he whispered at her as she stared at his lips. `That was just the beginning.`
Mary turned to her friends; Lily was still laughing so loud she was lolling over the table; Marlene`s face was blank as she stared wide eyed at Mary and Sirius.
Later that evening, when the three of them were heading back up to Gryffindor tower, still giggling among eachother and gloating from the feast, a sole Slytherin came their way. Evidently he hadn`t been at the feast, seeing the exchange that happened next.
`Fucking honeybears everywhere!` he growled as he pushed past them.
`Excuse me?` Mary snorted. Lily let out a squeal and Marlene giggled.
`You heard me the first time, honeybear!`
`Oh love, I`m afraid I don`t see any bears here?` Mary giggled while Lily pulled urgently on her sleeve. `How big are these bears you`re seeing? And are they made of honey, or do they just really like it?`
The Slytherin looked absolutely gobsmacked and opened and closed his mouth like a fish on dry land.
`Come on.` Lily whispered and started pulling Mary along.
`I think you need to see Madam Pomfrey about these honeybears you`re seeing! Quick trip to the hospital wing doll, that`ll do it!` Mary yelled over her shoulder as they ran away along the narrow dusky corridor.
///