Project Dahlia

Project Dahlia

Spider-Woman

Mission debrief in the group chat? 

Or do we just start roasting each other as usual?

Shadow

Both. 

Always both.

Spider-Woman

Let's start with how Johnny almost blew our cover in gym class.

The Human Torch

I slipped! 

It's not my fault the ropes were flammable.

Spider-Man

Nothing is flammable until you set it on fire, Johnny.

Rogue

To be fair, the explosion was impressive.

Shadow

STOP encouraging him.

The Human Torch 

Thank you, Cassie.

Robin

You're all insufferable.

Hobgoblin 

Says the guy who brought throwing knives to English class.

Robin

They were concealed.

Cipher

Until they weren't.

Spider-Woman

Yeah, "accidentally" dropping one mid-essay kinda ruined the whole "normal student" vibe.

Robin

You're all still alive because of me. 

Remember that.

Hobgoblin 

Aw, he cares!

Robin

I will set you on fire.

Rogue 

This is why I don't sit near you two during lunch.

Spider-Man

Speaking of lunch, can we talk about how Ned managed to hack the vending machines?

Cipher 

Not my fault they run outdated software.

Spider-Woman

You got us free snacks though. 

You're the real MVP.

Shadow

Free snacks don't help us stop Hydra.

Spider-Man

They improve morale.

Robin

If you don't focus, I'm kicking you all out of this chat.

Robin left the chat.

The Human Torch 

LMAO.

Spider-Woman

He really just did that.

Shadow

Someone add him back.

Cipher

Nah, let him stew.

Roy & Jason's Sidekicks™

Jaybird

WHY are we all in a group chat?

Roy-boy

Because I told them they could use it for "important stuff."

Jaybird 

It better be life-or-death.

Dami

It's not.

MJ

Jason can you adopt me too?

Jaybird 

What?

Roy-boy

*laughs in dad mode*

Petey-pie

Honestly Jason

you're halfway there already.

Hazza

Yeah

we practically live at your apartment anyway.

Jaybird

THAT'S NOT AN INVITATION.

Johnny-boi

Too late. 

I'm claiming the couch.

Cass

Jason you brought this on yourself

Roy-boy

It's true.

Jaybird 

Don't you dare agree with them.

Cass

Can we talk about the real issue

Damian's terrifying text etiquette

Dami

It's concise.

Pen

It's hostile.

Dami

Good.

Roy-boy

Damian.

buddy.

you gotta work on that.

Petey-pie

Seriously

why do you send periods after every sentence

Even "okay" feels aggressive

Dami

Okay.

Cass

See

THAT.

Jaybird

Can't believe I'm saying this, but I agree with them.

Johnny-boi

Plot twist. 

Jason's on our side.

Jaybird 

Don't get used to it.

MJ

While we're here, can we address how Johnny flirted with the Hydra informant mid-mission?

Johnny-boi

It worked.

Hazza

That's not the point.

Johnny-boi

It is when I get results.

Jaybird 

I don't know whether to be impressed or horrified.

Roy-boy

Both. 

Always both.

Pen

You're just mad he's better at improv than you.

Hazza

I am not.

Petey-pie

...

You kinda are.

Hazza

I will kick you out of this chat.

Roy-boy

Don't be dramatic.

Pen

It's his default setting.

Jaybird 

That's enough. 

All of you, stop texting and actually do your mission prep.

Cass

Dad vibes.

Jaybird 

Don't.

Pen

Too late.

Nedward

Can we call you Dad?

Jaybird 

No.

Johnny-boi

But you love us.

Jaybird has left the chat.

Roy-boy

You kids are gonna give him gray hair.

Pen

He'll look distinguished

Dami

You're all idiots.

Cass

Love you too Dami <3

Dami

...

<3

Project Dahlia

Spider-Man

I have officially made a discovery.

Shadow

What? 

Another one of your science experiments gone wrong

Spider-Man

Actually no

this is important

The school vending machines have a secret stash of candy.

Spider-Woman 

You're literally in the middle of a mission and you're focused on candy?

Spider-Man

It's not just candy Nellie.

It's special candy.

The Human Torch 

Is this another one of your weird "I can't believe I found this out" moments?

Spider-Man

Yes.

yes it is. 

And it's life-changing.

Hobgoblin 

I'm here for this Pete. 

Tell me more about this vending machine treasure.

Robin

You're on a mission, Parker.

Spider-Man

Look Damian

I'm just trying to keep things light. 

You know 

for morale.

Robin

Morale isn't the issue right now.

Rogue

Wait

did you actually find a secret stash of candy in a vending machine?

Spider-Man

Yes

but there's more! 

The machines are connected to a network of super-secret locations across the school.

Cipher 

You're kidding me.

right?

Spider-Man

I swear

I've been gathering intel. 

It's all connected. 

They've been hoarding candy for years and no one knew!

Rogue

Is it really that serious Pete?

Spider-Man

It's not just serious

it's conspiracy-level serious.

The Human Torch 

I have never met anyone who can turn a simple vending machine into an entire mission.

Hobgoblin 

Honestly

I'm here for the candy conspiracy. 

If we're gonna be stuck in this school

at least we can make it interesting.

Robin

I'm not investigating candy conspiracies.

Spider-Man

Fine Damian

you stick to your brooding and looking intimidating. 

We'll go save the world with candy.

Spider-Woman 

I think I'm actually more concerned about the fact that you guys are acting like this during a mission.

Spider-Man 

Look 

we've got the intel we need

so we're just taking a breather. 

The candy discovery is just... 

a bonus.

Hobgoblin 

I'm just glad the mission isn't a total failure. 

But if it involves candy

I guess we can call it a win.

Cipher

Not sure I'm on board with "candy as a reward" but okay.

Robin

I'm still not getting involved in this.

The Human Torch 

Damian it's candy. 

Loosen up.

Robin

I'll stick to more important matters.

Spider-Man

Oh we know Damian. 

You and your important matters.

The Human Torch 

I think Damian is seriously underestimating the power of candy.

Spider-Woman

This group's chaos levels are reaching new heights. 

I think we need an intervention.

Shadow

I mean... 

we could use the candy to bribe people into giving us information

right?

Spider-Man

Exactly! 

That's the point. 

It's all about the art of negotiation.

Shadow

I can't believe I'm getting pulled into this candy nonsense

Spider-Woman

Why am I even still in this chat?

Spider-Man

Because you love us and you can't resist the sweet sweet conspiracy.

Cipher

I'm in this for the candy and the chaos.

Spider-Woman

I think we've officially gone off the rails.

Robin

This is ridiculous. 

I'm going to focus on the mission. 

You all do whatever it is you're doing.

Spider-Man 

Look at him trying to pretend he's not intrigued by the candy plot.

Hobgoblin 

Alright alright. 

We're calling this mission "Operation: Candy Conspiracy" 

I'm in.

Rogue

I swear this group...

Hobgoblin 

Mission's still on, right? 

The candy's just a side quest?

Spider-Man 

Yep! 

Side quest to our ultimate goal.

The Human Torch 

This mission is a train wreck and I love it.

Robin 

I'll handle the mission, you focus on the candy.

Spider-Woman

Honestly, I'm just trying to figure out how we ended up here.

Rogue

I have no idea Nel. 

No idea at all.

Spider-Man

Okay, one last thing: if we can't get the candy from the vending machine, I'm thinking a heist is in order.

Robin

I'm leaving.

The Human Torch 

You're leaving and we're planning a candy heist? 

Sounds like you're missing out on the fun.

Robin

No, I'm leaving because this is beyond ridiculous.

Spider-Man 

Alright, alright, we're done with the candy for now. 

Back to work, people!

Rogue 

I can't even right now...

Spider-Woman

This is definitely not how I expected the mission to go.

Cipher

Let's just get the intel. And maybe some candy on the way out.

Project Dahlia

Spider-Man 

Okay, I'm officially convinced that someone is trying to sabotage our lives.

Rogue

What happened now?

Spider-Man 

I've been trying to unlock my phone for 20 minutes. 

It won't work, so I decided to do the "reset" thing.

now I can't even find my apps.

The Human Torch 

Sounds like a Peter problem.

Spider-Man 

No, it's a serious problem. 

I have very important Spider-Man stuff on here!!!!

Cipher

You can always just get a new phone.

Spider-Man 

That's not the point! 

I've had this phone since... 

well

a while. 

I know it.

Spider-Woman

Just tell Siri to fix it.

Spider-Man 

I would if she didn't think I was a disaster when I talk to her.

Robin

You're talking to Siri?

Spider-Man 

No

I'm asking for tech support

Damian

not for your judgment.

Shadow

Tech support? 

Did you seriously just call Siri your tech support???

Spider-Man 

She's been surprisingly helpful

when she's not being judgmental.

Hobgoblin 

This whole conversation is starting to feel like it's going nowhere fast.

Robin

It's definitely going nowhere.

Spider-Man

Are you trying to make me feel bad Damian????

Rogue

That's just how he communicates

Spider-Man

No wonder we're all messed up.

The Human Torch

At least Peter isn't trying to use his phone to break into a top-secret SHIELD facility.

Spider-Man

What does that even mean????

The Human Torch

Oh, right. 

You didn't hear? 

Damian tried hacking into SHIELD's database using his phone last night.

Robin

I didn't try.

I succeeded.

Rogue

Damian. 

You really need to stop doing that stuff.

Robin

I don't see the problem.

Shadow

You were literally trying to hack into a government agency. 

You think that's not a problem????

Robin

I was gathering intel for the team. 

It was necessary.

Cipher

Yeah.

but do you have to make things more complicated than they need to be????

Robin

I was being efficient.

Spider-Woman

Efficiency isn't breaking into places we're not supposed to be.

Spider-Man 

But it is kind of impressive though.

The Human Torch 

And it's absolutely stupid Pete.

Robin

This is a group of hypocrites.

The Human Torch 

We're just trying to get through life without our phones getting confiscated by SHIELD.

Spider-Man 

It's okay Johnny. 

We all have our issues. 

Mine just happen to involve tech support and conspiracy theories.

Robin

I'm leaving this conversation.

The Human Torch 

Good, we could use the space for some actual chill vibes for once.

Robin

The last time we had "chill vibes," we almost got arrested. 

I think we need a better plan.

Shadow 

Please

please don't go back to hacking things Damian.

Cipher

Doesn't anyone have anything fun to talk about?

Spider-Man 

I'm still convinced someone's messing with my phone.

Rogue

What, like someone swapped out your apps for ones that track your every move????

Spider-Man 

No! 

Well.

yes.

sort of.

but it's just a theory.

The Human Torch 

This is literally what happens when you give Peter access to technology.

Spider-Man 

I didn't break my phone

okay? 

This is an external issue.

Cipher

Peter

how are you still alive if this is how you approach tech?

Actually

now that I think about it

Peter's been the cause of so much chaos recently.

Rogue

Yeah

and half the time

he doesn't even know it.

Spider-Man

I'll have you know that my chaos saves the world on occasion.

Robin

Is this seriously what we're doing today?

Shadow 

I just want to know who decided to let Peter near anything with Wi-Fi.

Spider-Man

Hey

I don't need your judgment Michelle.

Cipher

Okay

who wants to go break into the vending machine for some candy????

Spider-Woman 

I'm starting to think that's the only sane plan we have right now.

The Human Torch 

The only way I'm getting involved is if we get chocolate.

Spider-Man

Okay

now we're talking.

Rogue

I swear

this team is one bad decision away from getting arrested.

Robin

I have never been arrested.

Rogue

You probably would have been if I didn't keep you from doing your "Damian stuff."

Spider-Woman

I'd say we need a break

but we all know that never happens with this group.

Spider-Man

The only thing I need is my phone to work.

Rogue

You're never going to let that go

are you?

Spider-Man

Nope.

The Human Torch 

Someone get him a new phone before he blows up the school.

Robin

We're doing nothing productive right now.

Spider-Man

No.

we're figuring out our candy plans and wondering why you keep trying to hack the world.

Shadow

This is definitely not how I thought my night would go.

Roy & Jason's Sidekicks™

Cass

On today's episode of dating Damian Wayne...

Dami

Cassie, stop. 

I'm not in the mood.

Cass

Oh

I'm not stopping. 

He decided to throw a chair across the room during a meeting with a group of mob bosses.

Jaybird 

Let me guess... 

because they insulted him?

Dami

They were threatening Cassie. 

Of course I threw the chair.

Pen

The one that was bolted to the floor?

Dami

It wasn't bolted that well.

Petey-pie

Damian

I think you might have a problem.

Johnny-boi

Understatement of the year.

Cass

You don't get it. 

I was about to handle it

but he just couldn't resist.

Roy Harper: 

Well

considering Damian did grow up in an assassin cult

I'm not surprised he can't control his temper.

Dami

I can control my temper just fine. 

I just don't want to.

MJ

Yeah, sure you do.

Nedward

So... 

how much damage was done this time?

Dami

The chair didn't hit anyone. 

It was a strategic throw.

Jaybird 

Strategic? 

Dude, you're just throwing furniture now.

Hazza

I thought you were supposed to be a detective, not a demolitionist.

Dami

There's a difference between being a detective and being cautious. 

If they didn't know I meant business before, they do now.

Roy-boy

You mean they're probably scared shitless now, right?

Cass

It's not like I'm complaining. 

He's just very... dramatic.

Dami

Dramatic? 

I'm making a point. 

There's a reason people fear me.

Petey-pie

I'm more concerned about how normal this is for you guys.

Johnny-boi

Honestly

I'm starting to think Damian is the embodiment of chaos.

Cass

I've been telling everyone this for months. 

Damian is a ticking time bomb with a very sharp trigger finger.

Dami

I'm not that bad.

Pen

That's literally the exact definition of "bad" though.

Hazza

I swear you two are a sitcom waiting to happen.

Jaybird 

Honestly

I've never been more convinced that I'm gonna have to bail one of you out of jail.

Roy-boy

Make that both of them.

Dami

I'm not going to jail. 

I only threw a chair.

Cass

You're lucky you didn't break a window with that thing.

Petey-pie

How does anyone stay calm around you two?

Cass

It's like living with a permanent storm cloud.

Dami

I'm not the problem here.

Johnny-boi

Okay

but you're definitely a large part of the problem.

Jaybird 

Cassie 

If you start using chairs too, I'm locking you both in a padded room.

Dami

I never used a chair.

Cass

Well, 

I wasn't the one who broke the chair.

Dami

Technically, I didn't break it either. 

I just threw it.

Roy-boy

Damian, I don't even know how you function in public sometimes.

Jaybird 

Same. 

I feel like I need to keep a leash on you guys.

Petey-pie

Just make sure they're not near anything breakable. 

Or dangerous. 

Or anything that can be thrown.

Dami

You guys are making me sound like a criminal.

Cass

I mean.

at this point

you kinda are.

Dami

I'm an assassin. 

That's different.

MJ

A very dramatic assassin.

Nedward

One who likes to break things for no reason.

Dami

I didn't break anything!

Jaybird 

If we get a bill for damages I'm sending it to you kid.

Cass

No need. 

Damian's already covered it.

Dami

Of course I did. 

I don't leave a mess behind.

Roy-boy

Oh, really? 

You sure about that? 

Because I think the entire restaurant might have something to say about that.

Johnny-boi

What was the waiter's face like when Damian threw the chair?

Cass

He looked like he was ready to leave the country. 

His face was pure terror.

Dami

I was trying to make a point. 

It was strategic. 

Not terrorism.

Petey-pie

Yeah sure buddy. 

I'm sure it wasn't.

Jaybird 

You two are going to be the death of me.

Roy-boy

And somehow, 

you both seem to be proud of it.

Dami

I'm just trying to make sure Cassie's safe.

Cass

Which, of course.

involves throwing furniture at people.

Dami

You're just mad I'm better at protecting you than you are.

Cass

I've never been mad about that.

Jaybird 

I'm done. 

No more field trips for you two. 

I'm locking you both in a room until you learn some self-control.

Roy-boy

Same. 

Seriously, someone's going to lose an eye next time you guys get into a fight.

Dami

I'm not that reckless.

Cass

Suuure you're not.

Roy & Jason's Sidekicks™

Cass

So Damian punched a wall today because someone called me "hot" 

Dami

I did not punch the wall.

Cass

Oh, right.

you threw a desk at it

then stared at it like you wanted to murder it. 

Dami

I wasn't staring at it like I wanted to murder it. 

I was contemplating how to fix it without you knowing.

Petey-pie

Damian.

you're so dramatic dude.

Johnny-boi

Isn't it kind of cute though? 

He gets all jealous when someone flirts with her.

Hazza

I thought it was adorable. 

Also, I have the feeling he didn't actually want to punch the wall. 

He just didn't have any other way to vent.

MJ

He doesn't know how to express emotions without fighting things, apparently.

Dami

I'm not jealous. 

It was just a very... 

unnecessary comment.

Cass

Sure, sure. 

Whatever helps you sleep at night Dames.

Roy-boy

I swear to God

if you two keep up this constant teasing

I'm going to have a heart attack from second-hand embarrassment.

Jaybird 

Roy you do realize that Damian is probably the most protective person here.

right?

Roy-boy

Yeah, I know. 

I've seen him almost choke someone out for even looking at the girls the wrong way.

Dami

I wasn't choking anyone out. 

I was explaining why they should never speak to them again.

Cass

And it was the most polite choke-out I've ever seen.

Johnny-boi

Can we just appreciate the fact that Damian actually cares about Cassie? 

Like

we're all used to him being all "I'm tough and I can't show emotion"

Petey-pie

Yeah, it's cute, honestly. 

I thought he was all brooding and no feelings

but turns out there's a soft spot under all that dark eyeliner.

Dami

I do not wear eyeliner. 

It's just... shadow.

Cass

Damian's shadow is so dark it practically has its own soul.

Dami

Enough with the jokes, Cassie.

Roy-boy

If we're going to have a moment can we at least take it to a quieter place? 

I'm getting flashbacks to the time you two almost demolished an entire warehouse because of a dare.

Jaybird 

And don't get me started on how I had to explain to Bruce why there was a crater in the middle of Gotham.

Dami

It wasn't a crater. 

It was a small... 

hole.

Cass

It was literally a crater. 

I watched it happen. 

It looked like a meteor hit the place.

MJ

I feel like this whole group chat is just a battle for who gets to tease Damian more.

Nedward

Honestly at this point

I think Cassie's winning.

Johnny-boi

Cassie's a pro at this. 

She can roast people like a marshmallow on a campfire and still make it sound like a compliment.

Hazza

That's because Cassie has a special way of saying things. 

It's an art form at this point.

Petey-pie

Look at that Cassie

you're practically a master of emotional manipulation.

Cass

I don't manipulate. 

I just... 

encourage Damian to embrace his feelings.

Dami

I don't need any help with that.

Cass

Of course you don't. 

That's why you punched the wall today.

Jaybird 

Cassie do you want me to teach Damian how to properly punch walls? 

Or maybe how to do a controlled hit?

Dami

I don't need any lessons on punching walls. 

Thank you very much.

Roy-boy

Seriously

next time I'm going to hide the drywall before you two start this nonsense.

Petey-pie

We should all be thanking Roy-boy Harper for still being sane after all of this.

Nedward

Honestly,

if anyone should be in therapy

it's Roy. 

Having to deal with all of us has to be a full-time job.

Roy-boy

It is a full-time job. 

I don't get paid enough for this.

Jaybird 

Actually

Roy you're the one who's stuck with all the chaos. 

I just get to watch it from the sidelines.

Roy Harper: 

Yeah

well

enjoy it while it lasts. 

When those two eventually break the furniture again

I'll be the one calling in the cleanup crew.

Cass

We promise we won't break anything... 

this time.

Dami

I don't make promises I can't keep.

Cass

That's the spirit.

Jaybird 

Roy.

get the fire extinguisher. 

I feel like we're about to see something burn.

Roy-boy

I'm already getting the fire extinguisher.