Awakening

        The hardest thing Lesso ever had to do was to leave you after the night you shared, and with something she knew meant so much to you. Of course, you didn’t tell her anything, but she knew, she saw the look on your face whenever you read it, the sadness, sorrow and comfort it brought to you. And be the one to betray you like that when she felt your love so purely, so embracing, Lesso never felt at home in this world, not until she was in your arms that night, receiving your caress, your heart, she hated herself for what she had to do. 
        Rafal requested your diary, and Lesso knew better than defying her boss, if she ever did, more than herself, you would be in the most absolute danger, and she couldn’t stand even the thought of being the reason for you to get hurt. Lesso loved you, and she realized that a long time ago, you loving her, however, was new, and dangerous, but at the same time so right, she never knew in this world she could feel such a happiness, yet with you she felt that she didn’t needed to be the mighty cruel Lady Lesso, she could be just Leonora.
         Lesso expected and was prepared for your anger, your hatred, for you to hurt her, nearly kill her, she could handle that, what she wasn’t expecting, however, was your stillness, your apathy, the empty look on your face, and it just made everything feel even worse, Lesso knew she broke you, and it hurted more than death itself.
 She watched the door of your dorm with worry, careful to not be seen, as you didn’t leave for the rest of the week, not for water, not for food, not for anything. The next time Leonora laid eyes on you was on the last test of the semester, three days later, three days after that blissful night, and you looked awful, heavy bags under your eyes and a void inside them, you didn’t talk with any of your friends, just arrived, sat, did your test and left, a expressionless empty countenance made your face as its dwelling-place. And Lesso hated it, she hated herself for it.
         It wasn’t long after the test when Leonora heard you send a heavily injured boy to the infirmary, just because he was standing in your way. It wasn’t like you, to lash out of nowhere, wasting your power and Lesso got even more worried. She didn’t see you for the next four days, as the teachers demanded the students to be in the castle as they corrected the last tests. Leonora died inside bit by bit everyday, you weren’t eating, you weren’t taking care of yourself, and she knew she was just witnessing you slowly kill yourself in grieve and sorrow, something Lesso herself inflicted on you, and she couldn’t forgive herself for it, she couldn’t eat, she couldn’t sleep, she couldn’t feel anything but deep regret and hate for herself. 
         She missed you. She missed watching you, she missed your smile, your attics, the way you move your body as you own the room, she missed your banter, she missed the sound of your voice, your scent, she missed you so deeply she, for more than once, wanted to actually die a painful death, but she didn’t felt she deserved the easy way out. Not with you still hurting, she deserved the pain, and to actually rotten inside.
         When Rafal summoned Leonora to his headquarters it took everything within Leonora to pretend everything was okay, to not let him notice how broke she was, and when he handed her your diary back, it took all of her might to not let a relieved sigh escape her lips. It would be so, so easy if Rafal targeted anyone else, she could handle doing the most hideous things to almost everyone, anyone but you.  She needed to see you, at least give the last bit of comfort you had, Lesso needed you to be you again.
        After listening to him complain for nearly an hour that all the diary contained was soft and caring mother-daughter advice and lectures. Leonora walked with fast steps towards the castle kitchen, gathering as much food and water she could carry. You needed to eat something, needed to take care of yourself, she couldn’t even fathom the thought of seeing you die. With weak knocks, she called for you at your door.
        - Leave! - A weak but stern voice spoke inside.
        - Let me in or I’ll make my way in - Leonora spoke with the softest yet firm voice she could summon.
        - Get the FUCK OFF, LESSO!! - You screamed angrily, to which Lesso sighs and unlocked your door with magic, making her way in. - ARE YOU DEAF? GET THE FUCK OUT!! - Leonora imagined that would be the way you would react, but it didn’t make it hurt less.
        - You need to eat, I brought you food and water - Lesso said in defeat, putting the contents of her arms in the desk near your door - Also, I brought your mother’s diary, but please let me explain - Her hands carefully got your diary from her vests and placed it on the foot-board.
        - EXPLAIN WHAT? HOW DO YOU BETRAY ME??! HOW YOU MADE ME FEEL LOVED JUST TO STAB ME IN THE BACK? YOU WANT WHAT? PRAISES FOR YOUR CRUELTY? OH HERE’S A ROUND OF APPLAUSE!! YOU WANT ME TO THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME REALIZE THAT I CAN NOT BE HAPPY??!! WELL THANKS FOR THE AWAKENING LESSO!! - You screamed at the top of your lungs, dragging your weak body out of your bed and facing her with pure hatred.
        - Rafal made me get your mother’s diary, he wanted it for something, look, i’m sorr-
        - GET YOUR SORRYS AND LEAVE ME ALONE!! - You blasted her with whatever is left of your magic, making her fly against your door, hitting it heavily.
        - I can’t not until you’re taking care of yourself first - She said trying to get up.
        - And when do you FUCKING CARE? - You kept attacking her with your magic, taking a step forward as you talk, watching bit by bit, Lesso starting to bruise and bleed slightly - When do you care about someone else other than yourself Lesso?? Gods, I gave myself to you, I trusted you, I loved you, why wasn’t I enough? Why do you have to make me lower my guard? Why did you make me believe you loved me back? You hated me so much you wanted to destroy me from inside out? Because guess what? You did it, A+ for Lady Lesso - At this point there wasn’t any magic left of you, so you just got to your knees, in front of her, and started to weakly punch and hit her with all the strength and hate you had left.
Then hate me, punish me, don’t do it to yourself - Lesso spoke with a knot on her throat, starting to cry silently.
        - And who… who are you to demand anything? - You felt the world spin around you.
        - I love you - Leonora said as she reached to support your fainting body.
        - No, you don’t… - It was all you managed to say as the world went black.
         All the guilt Lesso felt quickly turned into despair, as she felt your body go limp between her hands. She carefully carried you to your bed and summoned a bag of fluids and glucose, she wasn’t about to leave you in the poor hands of Never’s infirmary, Leonora knew how to treat people, one of the things she learnt with her mother even at a young age. Swallowing rashly all the worry and despair, burying her feelings deep, Lesso concentrated on giving you the best care she could, recalling and double checking, doing everything, magic or human, to help you feel better.
         When there was nothing else to do, all her knowledge exhausted, she allowed herself to crumble against the wall near your bed. It was her fault, it was her the culprit to make you like that, she hurted you, in a way that even if you killed her it wouldn’t be nearly as much hurt. She felt horrible, disgusted with herself, dirty, she wanted the faint cuts on her back and face to burn, she wanted her light bruises to break her bones, it wasn’t fair, it wasn’t fair to you, you needed to wake up, you needed to eat, you needed to live even if you never wanted to see her face again, but you need to be okay, breathing, and happy. 
         After a couple hours, you started to regain consciousness, your body felt lighter than the past days, your mind a little sharper, and it took a minute for you to remember the recent events. You were still in your room, facing the ceiling, she must have left you… again… was it a habit now? The thought had just crossed your mind when you heard the feeble sound of a sob. Slowly your eyes drifted to a corner near your bed, that’s when you saw her. Curled. Fragile. Shaking. 
        Her hands were entangled rashly on her messy hair as her face was buried between her knees. She was crying. Hard. And trying to do it as silently as she could, maybe not to disturb you, and for the countless times that week, your heart broke. Even if you should hate her, she was still too precious for you not to care.
        - Lesso… - You called weakly, as you watched her jolt and rush to your side, wiping her tears harshly on the way.
        - Hey… Feeling better? - Her voice coated in love and gentleness
        - Yeah…
        - I know I have no right to ask this, but can you please hear what I have to say?
        - Say it - You sigh, awaiting the worse, at least this time she didn’t left you while you were unconscious 
        - I hurt you, I know it, and I regret it bitterly every single day, every single second I exist, but it wasn’t because I hate you, or because I wanted to - She paused briefly, a heavy sigh leaving her lips - Rafal gave me the mission to get your mother’s diary, I had a day to do it, if I failed or refused, you know what would happen, and I couldn’t let him hurt you, so I did. I couldn’t tell you, or confide you, he would have known. - Her tears started streaming down her stained cheeks as rainfall - So what I am asking now, is please, please hate me, please punish me, please hurt me, but don’t do it to yourself, don’t neglect yourself as you’ve been doing for the past few days, don’t die inside, kill me instead, please eat, please drink, please take care of yourself because you are the most precious thing I have in this shitty world, I can not have you, I can not see you, but I can’t stand living in a world you’re not in. I lo… I love you… even if I don’t deserve it.
        - So you did it for him?
        - Yes… I’m sorry… - Her tone was full of sadness and regret, as she didn’t dare to look in your eyes, ashamed.
        - Do you mean it? - You asked frankly
        - What? - She asked, confused.
        - Do you really love me? 
        - I do… with all of my rotting heart, you’re the best part of this damned place - Her words were coated with the most blunt and heavy truth.
        - Good.
        - Good?
        - Tomorrow. 11am. - You stated.
        - What? - Her brows frowned in pure confusion.
        - You owe me lunch. - You looked at her with a soft smile - You said once the test week was over, we could talk, know each other more than just from afar.
        - I don’t… I don’t deserve it… - The realization was hitting heavy on her, her whole body trembling as she sobbed.
        - I would have done the same… That’s what Rafal does. Toy. Hurt. Shatter. I’m not letting him take away my only chance at happiness. - Your right hand rose from the flat surface you laid and made its dwelling-place on Leonora’s cheek, caressing her skin - Well adapt, will be prepared, so it doesn't happen again. You better talk to me next time, Leo. - You said firm but full of affection.
        - Next time? So… - You saw disbelieve coating behind her pale eyes.
        - As crazy and as clichê it might sound, I forgive you, Lesso. - A relieved sob left her lips - Just don’t do it again, talk to me next time, silly. You don’t have to carry the world alone. - Looking straight to her soul, complete - So I suggest you to forgive yourself.
        - I don’t know how… - Lesso confesses.
        - Well, then it’s up to me to love you until you do and beyond it. - Your smile grows - Ugh, that’s such an ever’s thing to say, guess I’ll have to get used to it.
        - This must be a dream… 
        - No darling… you’re awake, and so am I.