Right there, in the outskirts of a town that never got any visitors, reserved for bus arrivals only people coming and going from the city ever used, there was a spot.
A spot with nothing but a single street light to illuminate at night and a very tattered bench with nothing to cover it from the sun or the rain. Nothing around it that would indicate they had stopped in a town at all either but the washed out sign that once read welcome in bold blue letters.
Just a spot, unfixable and often overlooked, like everything else around.
In that ever boring, ever uninteresting fisher town it was just one of the many places nobody ever thought worthy of looking, but Moon Byulyi’s eyes always strayed to whenever she went past it.
Like a bad habit she couldn’t get rid of, or just a memory of something calling out for her.
It was the only bus stop around.
The only place in and out of town.
The place she had given her heart away in and the same place the person that held it walked away from.
So maybe it was just a little special. Maybe she waited day and night for that piece of her to be brought back. An exhausting repetition she couldn’t get rid of even if she tried, of glancing at that lonely bench with something like hope brewing in her chest everyday and every day then having to extinguish that little flame when she found it empty.
It was routinary at that point.
And that night, holding two bags worth of groceries and mud tainting her shoes, that night Byulyi halted in her tracks after another one of those quick glances.
Because for the first time in what felt like forever, the bench was occupied.
Hope was a weird little thing, she had decided. This driving force in movies and books, this strong feeling of desire for something to change for the better, like a fireplace being on during the harshest day of winter, warm. Byulyi, though, knew it as nothing else but a forest fire, treacherous no matter how calm it seemed. Knew how bad it could burn everything else if she allowed it.
Still, despite everything, she walked closer. Allowed that fire to cut right through her, allowed that hope to wash over, letting her shoes get even dirtier against the mud, clutching the bags she was holding on each hand strongly, letting her eyes adjust to darkness, letting the only light around shine over the figure.
Byulyi could recognize that figure anywhere, a little pathetic of her she knew.
Not that she cared much then.
She couldn’t, whatever hope was brewing inside just growing stronger.
The fire spread rapidly through every bit of her body.
“What are you two doing out here so late?” Despite the confidence she wanted to portray, her voice came out breathy, her eyes moving around the woman in front of her now, taking in the features she could barely see with so little light shining over them.
It didn’t matter, for every little detail had been carved deep inside her once, on that spot where her heart used to be before she gave it away. Engraved there for so long even with such darkness surrounding them Byulyi could make out every feature perfectly.
Kim Yongsun was back.
Kim Yongsun was there , sitting on the bench of that lonely bus stop.
Two backpacks by her feet and a five-year-old with too much enthusiasm next to her.
“Unnie!” A five-year-old that wasted no time the moment their eyes met and recognition washed over her face, jumping off the bench so quickly it gave her almost no time to react.
She was running straight towards Byulyi with extended arms, and before she knew it, Byulyi had dropped the grocery bags on the floor, hands free to catch her.
“Unnie!” The girl shrieked, delighted when Byulyi picked her up. Safely tucked in Byulyi’s arms she burrowed close, little arms thrown around Byulyi’s neck, trying to disappear against her like she was trying to seek the warmth of dried clothes and a decent jacket.
Because up close like that it was almost impossible not to notice, how the shivers racked through her body from time to time and how damp her clothes were. All it took was a look to know Yongsun, on the bench, wasn’t fairing much better.
“Look at you,” Byulyi cooed, trying not to let the worry show, not yet, keeping her tone light. They were back, they were home , Byulyi could deal with the why s and the worry just a little later. “When did you grow so much?”
The girl in her arms huffed indignant when Byulyi ruffled her hair, pushing her hand away. It might have felt like forever for Byulyi, waiting for the bus stop to be occupied once more, it always did – But it couldn’t have been more than a few months since the last time. Still, she couldn’t help but fuss over.
She had no way of knowing how long Yongusun had been back for this time.
Nobody had known, else she would have heard it.
And there was a little part of her that was trying so hard not to assume, to worry, but she was finding it very hard to do so.
“Soojin-ah,” Yongsun sounded tired, but she was looking at them with a little smile. “That’s not how you greet your elders.”
The girl in her arms let out a very polite, if maybe a little shy, “I’m sorry.” Awkwardly trying to offer a bow in greeting, or apology, Byulyi couldn’t be sure. It was useless anyway, with how tightly she was still holding Byulyi’s neck, so it didn’t carry much of that propriety it was supposed to.
Byulyi, still reeling at the fact that Yongsun was back. That Yongsun was back and had apparently been sitting there for a while, had gotten wet under the rain, allowed a smile to finally, finally, bloom across her face.
Yongsun was back with the single important member of her very small family, and Byulyi couldn’t help but smile, too many emotions fighting behind it.
There was the strong desire to walk close, place her arms around Yongsun and just never let her go again. A feeling that was just as exhausting as every routine she had started getting into without knowing. Every time she came back, for the few days she did, Byulyi wished she stayed at the end of it.
She never did, and that was fine.
Because somewhere out there in the city, she was making a life for herself – And if she came back just occasionally to visit a family that never included her then nobody needed to know what that did to heartbreak but Byulyi and Byulyi alone.
It was selfish to think like that anyway, Yongsun’s mother, her family still lived there, and Byulyi had been nothing but a good friend once. So Byulyi just allowed herself to hold them close while she could, to spoil Soojin when she was allowed and smile at Yongsun, and when the time came she’ll let them go again, because she had to.
She could do it.
“You are all wet,” Byulyi frowned, getting Soojin’s damp strands out of her eyes, trying for the worry to really stop seeping through. Yongsun, Byulyi had learned, didn’t take well to worry these days. “Were you two just sitting under the pouring rain?”
It was meant to be nothing but a playful jab, something to lighten the worry heavy on Byulyi’s shoulders and obvious on Yongsun’s face, but Yongsun averted her eyes at that, and that selfish part of Byulyi came back strongly.
They were, it hissed and whispered, they were sitting out in the pouring rainand Byulyi knew exactly why.
Her eyes told a story of a family that never cared enough, that always pushed too far and drove away. A story that always ended with Yongsun’s feelings hurt and one that repeated itself every single time they were back.
A routine for Yongsun that was just as exhausting.
The reason Byulyi had selfishly started wishing to hold and never let go in the first place.
“We are homeless.” Soojin answered though, breaking Byulyi’s train of thought, with all the seriousness a five-year-old with a round face and rosy cheeks could throw in a statement like that.
If the worry wasn’t growing bigger she would have smiled at the tone she was using.
“We aren’t homeless, we are just waiting for the bus.” Yongsun rushed to explain when Byulyi’s eyes turned serious.
The bags at her feet now making sense.
Just a fact, a confirmation, that she couldn’t stand another second with the people that called themselves family.
“This late?” She shifted Soojin’s weight on her arms, looking at the very empty road in front of them. The one that remained like that, silent, every single night. “Last one took off at least an hour ago.”
“So we are homeless.”
“Soojin-ah,” Yongsun scolded gently, looking as tired as she sounded. “People don’t need to know that.”
Staring straight into Yongsun’s now guarded eyes, the need to know started spreading under her skin like an itch she would never be able to chase away.
It was a bad idea, asking about it.
Of course it was, Yongsun had a history of walking away and never looking back the moment Byulyi did as much as try. Always taking with her bits and pieces of Byulyi she could never get back.
But really, there wasn’t much left of Byulyi anyway.
“What happened?” So she asked, already knowing the answer and dreading the outcome. She tried to keep her tone gentle, no worry in sight, just casual conversation. Partially because she didn’t want to risk worrying Soojin when she looked so relaxed despite the situation and partially because she didn’t want to upset Yongsun.
Byulyi wouldn’t have noticed Yongsun’s eyebrows twitching if she hadn’t been looking so intensely.
For a moment she expected her to stand up as stubborn as ever, walk away.
But Yongsun stayed seated despite the tension. Despite her flight obviously kicking in.
“I had a little bit of a disagreement with my mother.” She muttered with the same tone Byulyi was using. Casual, light, like it wasn’t that big of a deal. Same as ever , it seemed to remind her, almost daring to ask for more context.
Not that Byulyi had to.
Growing up in a small town where people had nothing else to do but be up in everybody’s business, the gossip was ruthless, oftentimes reaching her ears unwillingly. Oh the Kim family argued again—Did you hear, they locked their daughter out of the house the entire night, such a troublesome family. Oh Ms. Jung says they kept her up all night with all that screaming can you believe it?
Same as ever, people started saying after a while. Same as ever, Yongsun started answering.
Same as ever, but not really.
Not this time.
Something felt different when Yongsun gave her answer.
She hadn’t avoided the question like usual, and the defeat was so visibly resting on her shoulders.
Yongsun looked almost like she had given up.
So something was different, and Byulyi was still trying to figure out what when Soojin spoke.
“She was yelling, loud.” The girl said, cold little fingers grabbing at her to get her attention, giving Byulyi her own retelling of the same story that lacked as much detail as Yongsun’s. “So now we are homeless.”
It threw her off, the way she kept using that word.
Throwing it around the same way she had done with dammit last year, when she heard it being used by the people at the pier. Using it like she had picked it around from somewhere, like she wasn’t exactly sure what it meant, what it entailed, just a kid imitating what she heard once or twice.
For a second it was distracting enough for Byulyi to huff out something like a laugh.
“Where did she even hear that?” She asked softly, just a little fond of the way Soojin spoke.
But Yongsun sighed deeply, “I guess grandma taught her a word or two tonight, didn’t she?”
Byulyi could see it in her eyes, the way she spoke bitterly about it, how drained she looked over it.
Something inside her grew, selfish and unabated.
Hold her tight.
Pick the pieces.
Soojin nodded enthusiastically, though, completely unaware.
“A few, I also heard her say—”
“Nuh-uh, what did I say before? You can’t use those words yet.”
Something had happened.
Something had happened that made Yongsun pack her stuff in the middle of the night, that made Soojin pick up on words like homeless, words like whatever likely curses she had also heard thrown their way without really knowing their meaning.
Something had happened, and it left Yongsun with nowhere to go but that bus stop.
Hoping for something to take her back to the place she now called home.
Far away from where she grew up in and the people that called themselves family. Far away from whatever that family was putting her through this time.
Hold her tight.
Pick the pieces.
“You know, Soojin-ah,” Byulyi started softly, “You only say that when you have nowhere to go,” She was looking at Soojin, but she was hoping for Yongsun to listen just as intently. “But I know of a very warm house right up the hill you and your mom can stay in, which means you have a place to go to whenever you need.”
Her eyes were set on Soojin, but she could feel Yongsun’s stare burning holes through her skull the moment those words were out.
“But that’s yours!” Soojin said, using that tone which just meant she believed Byulyi was being silly.
“I know,” Byulyi tried to do the closest thing to a shrug she could with a preschooler hanging off of her. “And since it’s mine I get to decide who can stay, and I say it’s you two.” Finally meeting Yongsun’s eyes with what he hoped showed everything she couldn’t say.
Everything she was sure Yongsun knew anyways.
The stay, always.
The please. Just so obvious in her eyes.
Soojin nodded, like she understood, then softly asked, “So that makes us not homeless?”
Byulyi hummed, “Yeah, I would say so.”
The girl cheered as if she had received the best type of news in a while.
Byulyi had to forcibly pry her eyes away from Yongsun.
Had to stop looking, or else she didn’t think she would be able to stop, not with the many strong emotions swimming behind her eyes and how intense the urge was to get to know each one.
Because one absolute truth she had learned early on, when she was younger and Yongsun was nothing but a harmless highschool crush, was that Yongsun had incredibly expressive eyes and Byulyi, even back then, wouldn’t mind getting lost in them.
So after one last squeeze, she placed Soojin down.
Ruffling her hair, which only earned her a very disgruntled huff.
“C’mon, pick up your things,” She said, again just looking at Soojin but hoping Yongsun heard everything hiding under it. “I’m letting you guys borrow some dry clothes.”
Soojin didn’t have to be told twice, rushing to pick the smaller backpack from the floor.
Yongsun, however–
“Byul-ah,” Interrupted, softly. Her voice was breathy, and it wouldn’t be visible to anyone else probably, but she had known Yongsun for years, had seen her pretend she was keeping it together enough times to know it wouldn’t be long before she started breaking apart. “You really don’t have to, we’ll manage.”
Soojin didn’t seem to hear it, or if she did she didn’t care much, because she was stretching her arm towards Byulyi, backpack firmly over her shoulders.
“It’s fine,” Byulyi waved her off, picking both grocery bags with one hand – maybe with a little effort – Just so she could hold Soojin’s hand. “There’s more than enough space for everyone.”
“And warm drinks?” Soojin piped, interested.
Of course she would be – Byulyi almost always saw them coming back during winter, and in her mission to spoil Soojin whenever she was allowed, warm chocolate started being a must in her house, which she knew.
“More than enough space and warm drinks for everyone.” Byulyi corrected, which made Soojin cheer again.
Yongsun stared at them for a bit, then sighed.
It was a theatrical kind of sigh, the one that meant she lost a battle she wasn’t even planning on fighting.
“Thank you for having us.” Her tone was warm. A little more emotionally loaded for just a simple thank you.
Then she stood up, grabbing the last of their stuff.
“Always,” Byulyi nodded. “Now let’s go, before we freeze out here.”
The fields around them were quiet, even if it wasn’t really that late – The little snow they had received that winter melted off overnight, leaving only small patches of white tinting the greens and browns around. The rain being the most annoying part, making the road on that side of town, mostly empty, muddy and mushy to step on.
Soojin didn’t mind at all, walking through all the spots obviously wet to the eye, getting her shoes dirty.
It was also no problem to Byulyi, who just loved seeing her enjoy little things like that, giggling whenever the mud made funny sounds under her feet.
“You went shopping.” It wasn’t phrased like a question, but Byulyi could hear it in Yongsun’s voice anyway.
Even though they were all walking slowly, either trying to match Soojin’s pace or avoiding slipping on the wet paths, Yongsun walked slower, like she was purposefully staying behind for a reason, so the wind carried her voice.
It brought Byulyi back abruptly, remembering the entire reason why she had gone out in the first place.
“Yeah,” She answered with a smile, “Wheein is visiting for a few days, and, well you know, Hyejin refuses to go back to her house until she leaves,” Byulyi couldn’t be sure if Yongsun knew that. Most days she wasn’t sure how much Yongsun knew of what was happening around town—Couldn’t be sure she knew Wheein had moved to the city months ago and now came back every weekend to visit, couldn’t be sure if she knew Hyejin became a pain in the ass when she did just because she had missed her so much she refused to leave her side. “So they are staying with me.”
She would know all about it if she came back more often.
She would be receiving the same treatment from Hyejin, refusing to leave her side until she absolutely had to.
Byulyi wondered if Yongsun knew how many people loved her here.
How much she was loved here , despite everything.
She guessed a family that did nothing but drive people away was enough to sour the knowledge for anyone, so that’s why it didn’t matter what Yongsun knew or didn’t.
Yongsun stopped in her tracks, almost like struck by something.
“Byul-ah,” There it was again, the way of addressing her only Yongsun was allowed to use. The way of addressing her Byulyi missed so dearly every time. “I really don’t want to intrude.”
Byulyi laughed.
“Don’t worry about it,” Because it was such a ridiculous thing to be worried about. Yongsun still didn’t understand. “You know how much they love to see you two.”
“Will Wheein-unnie sing us a song again?” Soojin, who had been curiously paying attention to their conversation, asked excitedly.
It was a shame their trips home had stopped matching when Wheein moved, because Byulyi could confidently say it was one of Soojin’s – And Wheein’s – Favorite things to do when they met. Just sitting together by Byulyi’s fireplace, letting Wheein’s voice lull the girl to sleep (and everyone else that might be sitting in the living room, too)
“If you ask her nicely.” Byulyi told her.
Which in turn earned her a very happy, “I will!”
Yongsun wasn’t matching their excitement.
“Will they really want—?” She didn’t finish the question, probably because Soojin's attention was set on them so strongly, but Byulyi could fill the gaps.
—Me there with them.
—To see me.
—To talk to me.
The answer was obvious to her.
Not so much to Yongsun, now biting nervously on her bottom lip, arms unconsciously wrapping around her middle.
“You are their friend, and they love you just the same,” The urge was so strong, to hold her hand, squeeze it tight— Hold her tight – But she was carrying the groceries, and Soojin’s hand was wrapped around her tightly, so she could only try and meet her eyes, hoped they spoke louder than everything else. “No matter what.”
Soojin, just being Soojin, decided to take that moment to stretch her free arm towards Yongsun, wiggling her fingers with a, “Don’t stay behind, mom.”
Pulling Yongsun closer to them.
Making her walk alongside them instead of behind.
Offering, unknowingly, support to Yongsun, something to get her mood up.
Which it did. The moment she grabbed her hand, Yongsun’s tension melted away just a little.
“How’s Hyejin?” She asked, with genuine curiosity behind the words.
“A menace,” Byulyi scoffed. “Somehow she’s gotten worse over the years.”
“That’s nice.” It made Yongsun smile.
“Of course you would say that, you don’t have to deal with her whining every day.”
She was supposed to be sounding annoyed at it. Was supposed to be selling how upsetting it was having to listen to her every day, but the corners of her mouth were curling upwards in something shy of a smile, and her tone was too fond for what she was trying to portray.
Of course Yongsun noticed all that.
Of course she knew her just as well.
“You are too soft.” She told Byulyi in what was supposed to be a remark. An it’s all your fault actually kind of remark, that she was struggling so much dealing with the younger.
Byulyi shrugged weakly, “Maybe.”
The way back home from the only supermarket around was, on a normal day, a long one.
A trek so insufferable Byulyi always had to bring something to distract herself from how painfully boring it was. The scenery, to someone visiting, should have looked beautiful, a reprieve from the same boring greys of the city maybe. But Byulyi had lived there all her life, so looking at the fields didn’t bring her any joy or enjoyment.
That night, though, for the first time in so long, the walk back felt short.
It probably took longer than usual, with how slow they had been walking, but Byulyi blinked and they were suddenly standing just a few steps away from the only house around with porch lights on. Probably because it was the only house around waiting for someone to come back.
With Soojin showing every little thing she found interesting, and Yongsun’s warm smiles thrown her way every once in a while, she hadn’t even felt the strain on her right hand from the bags she was carrying. It just flew past her, lost in between all the thumping and rushing her heart was doing.
The door was thrown open when they arrived—which Byulyi would have to lecture the girls about later because they were letting all the bugs in—and the two chairs outside were skewed, like they had gotten bored waiting out there.
No figure was waiting for them outside anymore, so Byulyi could only guess they either had gotten tired or the cold had made them retreat.
“I don’t have slippers for Soojin,” She blurted out suddenly, so overcome by the thought it was important she got it out. “Will it be alright for her to walk around in her socks?”
It made Yongsun snort a laugh, “Why are you asking me that?” She looked at her curiously, using the same tone Soojin used when she thought Byulyi was being silly. “It’s your house, you decide.”
“Of course,” She nodded, steering them along towards the receiver. Yongsun stepped with Soojin aside so Byulyi could walk with all the grocery bags. “Right, of course, god I really need to get her some slippers.”
It wasn’t meant for Yongsun to hear, but she did anyway. The receiver on her house wasn’t particularly big.
For some reason it put a smile on her face, fond. Like the thought of Byulyi thinking about buying her daughter slippers was anything worth smiling about.
Yongsun closed the door for them when she saw Byulyi struggling.
“You can leave your shoes out here,” Byulyi announced, grateful once the biting cold wasn’t lingering as strongly, then gestured at their bags vaguely. “These we are putting in the living room for now.”
Her voice alerted Wheein at least, of her presence.
“You are back?” She asked distantly from somewhere around the house. The kitchen probably, judging by all the rattle in the background. “Took you long enough!”
Then her head peeked through the hallway, her mouth opening to most likely complain about how much time Byulyi wasted outside and how cold the food had probably gotten by now.
But she froze before anything could come out.
Her eyes set on the other two people standing by the door with her.
“I brought company,” Byulyi said slowly. “Please behave.”
Wheein did not, in fact, behave.
“Oh my god, you are here!” Throwing herself at Yongsun with open arms, a wide smile on her face and the unbidden joy showing everywhere. Pushing past Byulyi and all the grocery bags without care. “You are here?” She said now muffled against Yongsun’s shoulder, squeezing so tight. “You are here! Holy shit!”
“Don’t repeat that,” Byulyi told Soojin almost immediately, who in all her five-year-old fashion was opening her mouth to do just that. “That’s a bad word.”
Yongsun laughed a little wetly, squeezing Wheein back weakly, who was moving them from side to side in their embrace.
She pushed back only a little, to grab at Yongsun’s face.
“You look so different, I would have never guessed it was you,” She squished Yongsun’s cheeks, and then, with the same hectic energy, she turned her gaze down, “And look at you,” Directing the words at Soojin now, crouching down to where the girl had been struggling to get her shoes off. “How much did you grow? You’ll be taller than me at this rate.” She ruffled her hair a little roughly.
Soojin giggled, “That’s not true.”
From somewhere down the hall, Hyejin’s voice filtered through.
“What’s happening?” Confused, her feet rushing to meet them. “What’s all that noise?”
Soojin saw her first, rushing to meet her the same way she had done with Byulyi, leaving Hyejin scrambling to catch her.
“Auntie!” She yelled, delighted, when Hyejin picked her up, twirled her around without any trace of confusion.
It made Wheein burst out laughing.
Hyejin, for no apparent reason, was the only person Soojin referred to as auntie no matter how much Yongsun had tried to get her to stop. Byulyi had the inkling Wheein probably had something to do with that.
“You heard that?” She told no one in particular, holding Soojin close. “I’m still her favorite auntie.” A proud statement she made every time she saw the girl.
If Wheein’s plan, definitely Wheein’s plan, had been for Hyejin to feel embarrassed with the title she received, older maybe, it had backfired horribly, because she wore the term proudly.
“How’s dinner going?” She asked Hyejin, who had definitely been the one cooking. Wheein could do it, but most times everyone preferred when she didn’t. “Is there enough for two more?”
Wheein answered though, with a huffed laugh, “Of course there is, you know Hyejin cooks for a village.”
Byulyi smiled, walking closer to the kitchen, leaving Yongsun behind to be squashed to death by Wheein’s hugs.
“I bought a few things,” She told Hyejin when she passed her by. She was too focused making funny faces at Soojin to really pay her any attention. “If you feel fancy enough to add something else.”
“Oh, I do,” Hyejin told her anyway, if only a little distracted. “I’ll add everything, it’s a banquet tonight.”
Once the bags were placed on the counter, Byulyi turned around to look at the scene before her.
The house, small as it was, had never felt more alive than right now.
The smell of home-cooked meals permeating the air, the sizzling sound of something cooking on low fire behind her. The laughter and the voices from everyone mixing together—Byulyi never really had anything close to a happy family before, but she guessed this was as close as she had gotten to one.
Hyejin had placed Soojin down the moment she realized her hair was damp, fussing over her almost immediately.
Next to the door still, Wheein was giving Yongsun another hug by placing her hands around her shoulders, but with how tight she was squeezing, Byulyi doubted she was able to breathe at all.
“Alright,” She said, clapping to get their attention. “Don’t smother them, please.”
Hyejin, worriedly, turned to Byulyi with concern written all over her face.
“She’s all wet and sad—”
Soojin complained at that, “I’m not sad!”
“Well you look sad to me,” Hyejin added, moving the bangs from her face. “What happened to you?”
The topic was maybe an uncomfortable one for anybody to talk about right now, so Byulyi interrupted before the questions got more invasive and the answers more stilted.
“The rain took them by surprise.” Leaving it at that.
It was enough, said enough.
They could guess the reasons as to why.
“I’ll help Soojin dry up,” Wheein said instead of letting the silence hang around them, finally stepping back and letting Yongsun breathe. “You take Yong-unnie.” She ordered Byulyi, like that wasn’t a given.
She had been already walking towards Yongsun before Wheein had uttered a single word.
“I don’t have to take anyone,” Byulyi added just because, the moment she was close to Yongsun again, as to not let it seem like she was being told what to do so openly. “She’s an adult.”
Yongsun, who had gotten worse at accepting help over the years, interrupted weakly with, “There’s really no need for that, I can take Soojin.”
The comment was useless when Soojin refused to listen, already grabbing Wheein’s hand when offered.
“Nonsense!” Still, Wheein said, “You must be tired, let me do it.” The last part being told softly, tenderly.
Yongsun had gotten worse at accepting help over the years, but the moment either of them showed her kindness she dropped the walls so quickly. That was also a given.
They started walking away, and only because Yongsun looked like she was still about to say something else to probably stop them, Byulyi added, “She’s in great hands, you know.”
Yongsun sighed.
“I know.”
The different thing Byulyi had caught before was back. The defeat on her shoulders showed again so obviously now that Soojin wasn’t looking, the tiredness on her face so openly displayed now that the mask wasn’t so firmly in place.
Hyejin, still standing just a few steps away from them, seemed to notice too.
“I’ll go finish dinner so please hurry up.” She said instead of asking about it, disappearing back into the kitchen – Not before throwing Byulyi one last look, one that meant she was worried, one that meant she was trusting Byulyi to handle it.
Not that she thought she was equipped for it.
But she had known Yongsun for a while, and if she could be sure about something was that no matter what, Byulyi would do her very best to make her feel even just the slighter bit better.
A door closed down the hallway.
And then it was just them.
Standing there, close together.
Something about less eyes on them made the mask Yongsun had been obviously wearing slip more.
Byulyi frowned, concerned.
“C’mon, let’s get you something dry to wear.”
Now that Byulyi was looking, she noticed Yongsun’s hair to be a lot wetter than Soojin’s. Her clothes were soaked through, especially from the back. The realization that she had tried to shield the girl from the cold and the rain did nothing to alleviate the pressure growing on her chest.
Gnawing at her from the inside.
Yongsun followed without protesting much, which was also a bit worrying.
Her house wasn’t particularly big, but the silence made the way to Byulyi’s bedroom suffocating.
Even with the pots and pans rattling in the kitchen.
Even with Soojin’s laughter muffled.
It felt like Yongsun was barely holding it together.
Byulyi was holding her breath.
The door clicked shut behind them, and there, in the safety of her room, with only her as witness, it was like whatever had been keeping Yongsun upright before just stopped. Whatever had been keeping her standing disappeared, her legs wobbling, her entire figure dropping.
Byulyi, who hadn’t been expecting it, rushed to catch her before she could hit the ground.
Her hands coming around her shoulders, around her waist, to support her.
Holding her tight.
Picking the pieces.
“I’m sorry,” Yongsun pushed out weakly, shaky breaths puffing out warmly against Byulyi’s neck. “I don’t—” She didn’t finish speaking, just trusting Byulyi to hold her weight fully, choked words stopping before they could come out.
Byulyi’s hand went to rest on her head.
“Don’t apologize,” Her fingers tangled there, playing with the strands in attempts to calm down her now erratic breathing. “C’mon, let’s sit down.”
In a feeble attempt, Yongsun shook her head before Byulyi could move them.
“Your bed will get wet.” She protested, even now when she was barely keeping it together, like Byulyi would care more about ruining the sheets.
She held Yongsun close.
“It’s fine,” She whispered into the embrace. “Don’t worry about it.”
Saying it wouldn’t make Yongsun change her mind, and if she had a little more strength behind her movements she would have probably pushed away, maybe would have even insisted on sitting on the floor instead.
She was at the verge of a breakdown though, so when Byulyi pushed gently, Yongsun followed.
She lowered her at the edge of the bed carefully, letting her fingers run through her hair one last time before she stepped back.
“Stay there.” Proceeding to rummage through her closet for a towel.
Because Yongsun was shivering now, stronger than before.
Faintly trying to keep everything swimming behind her eyes inside.
Waiting for Byulyi to turn her back on her had to be a deliberate choice, maybe it made it easier not being able to see her, but the moment Byulyi opened the closet doors, Yongsun started speaking.
“Soojin wasn’t lying, you know,” Barely above a whisper, her tone wobbly, overwhelmed, “When she said we had nowhere to go,” Then, quietly, “When she said we were homeless.”
Something cold ran through her.
She turned around to look, gripping the towel and the clothes she had picked tightly. Watching her curl into herself, head down and avoiding her eyes, was heart wrenching.
“Yong-ah—”
That was it, she was crying.
Swallowing down the sobs that threatened to spill out.
Biting her lips to keep quiet.
“I couldn’t keep the apartment back in the city,” Her voice was shaky, barely even there. “We didn’t have anywhere else to go, and she’s my mother ,” Even if it didn’t raise in volume, Yongsun spat those words out bitterly. “But she yelled, didn’t even hear me out and I couldn’t–I couldn’t ,” She gasped, trying to get air in. “I’m sorry.”
Byulyi was by her side before she knew it, towel and clothes alike forgotten somewhere close.
Sitting on the bed next to her, arms tightly wrapped around her. Guiding Yongsun’s head to rest on her shoulders, letting her hands rub soothing circles over the fabric of her very damp sweater.
“Don’t apologize.” She said again, matching Yongsun’s tone. Quietly.
The words were fierce though.
She didn’t have anything she should be apologizing for, Byulyi hoped she knew that.
“I think this was it,” Yongsun continued, the defeat showing once more. “I’ve tried so hard to make an effort but it feels like she never—I don’t even know what she was angry about this time, I just—” She breathed in unsteadily. “I know she’s my mother but—”
“No buts, fuck her.”
Yongsun, quietly breathed out, “Yeah, fuck her.”
It wasn’t very convincing, and it was still laced with all the hurt it brought knowing family meant nothing to some people.
Byulyi tried to focus on the relief at saying it, in the way Yongsun sagged against her, the way the tears that ran down weren’t being pushed back, hidden from sight.
“You don’t have to go wasting yourself away on people who aren’t worth it.” She said carefully. “There’s a time where you’ve got to stop, before there’s nothing left of you.”
There wasn't much left of Byulyi, but Yongsun was worth every second.
She sat there, letting Byulyi play with her hair, letting her hands rub around her back and arms calmingly.
Yongsun sat there, for a second or two.
Breathed in slower, for just a second or two.
And then more sobs just racked through her body, the sounds being swallowed back down.
“I don’t understand how you can just do…do this, after everything.” She whispered, wounded.
Byulyi sighed.
It was a conversation that had a long time coming.
Byulyi gave her heart away once, and the person that held it left without looking back.
But the answer was easy, something she knew so deeply.
An absolute truth, like the many others she had learned about Yongsun.
“Because you never did anything wrong.” Easy, just like that.
It didn’t seem that way to Yongsun.
“I hurt you.” Quietly, an admission Byulyi – Hurt Byulyi, the one left without a heart once – would have liked to hear. She had time to think, though, a lot of it. Hearing the admission brought nothing but worry.
It was whispered out like speaking it too loudly would bring back things.
Whispered out heavily, like a person that has been carrying the burden for a while.
“There was nothing we could have done about it, back then,” Byulyi said gently, rubbing her back, still playing with her hair. “You were scared, you couldn’t stay here with her, and I got that, believe me.”
Once, under the street light of the only bus station in town, Byulyi had given her heart away – A shy confession and hope. A lot of it. For a feeling she was sure had been there to be finally out in the open, to get her to stay, maybe.
Yongsun walked away with it.
But she had never stepped on it after.
Always brought it back with her whenever she returned and Byulyi could see it, well-cared for and healthy, still beating so strongly.
She never threw it away, always holding it close.
“Byal-ah…”
And it was a stubborn little thing, being cared for so deeply by Yongsun who still loved.
“I wasn’t lying either, you know,” What else could she do about it but love back with everything she had? “When I said you could stay here, when I said you had somewhere.”
Yongsun raised her head, red-rimmed eyes set on her.
“Byul, I can’t.”
The protesting was useless; she had made up her mind a long time ago.
“For as long as you need,” She said, resolute. “I mean it.”
Yongsun kept quiet.
More tears welling up in her eyes.
It wasn’t the time to really have that conversation, Byulyi could see how exhausted she was.
So she smiled gently.
“Let’s worry about that later,” And gave her cheek a little tap twice. “You are letting me give you warm clothes and dry your hair for now.”
Yongsun let her forehead fall forwards, resting on Byulyi’s shoulder again.
“I’m so tired.” She sighed.
Her entire body sagging.
Her voice lowered.
“Don’t worry,” Byulyi allowed the hold to become an embrace, her arm tight around her once more in a very warm hug. “I’ve got you.”
Another one of those statements thrown out fiercely.
She’s got her.
She’ll do anything to make sure it helped.
“Here, raise your arms for me.”
Yongsun sighed heavily when Byulyi’s fingers grazed the edge of her sweater, pushing back only enough for Byulyi to be able to remove it, her arms raised in a weak attempt to help out a little more.
She shivered, goosebumps rising all over her arms at the exposure. The cold she was surely feeling strongly now.
Byulyi wasted no time grabbing the towel thrown somewhere over the bed – Working over her skin, drying it the best she could.
Over her shoulders, massaging them a little now that there wasn’t anything to cover them.
Around her neck, picking up water and sweat alike gently.
Down her arms and all over her hands.
Trying for the skin to warm up even just a little.
“Can you…” She started weakly, not meeting her eyes. “Hold me?”
And so Byulyi did, placing her hands around her.
She was cold to the touch.
Byulyi let her hands run down her back, her arms, her touch just a little strong in attempts at getting her to warm up more.
Yongsun slumped into it.
They stayed like that for a second or two.
But the weather was cold, and as comfortable as it felt she didn’t want Yongsun getting sick.
She picked the long sleeved shirt from the bed, helped Yongsun get it on.
Pants were harder.
But Byulyi managed, running the towel through her thighs, warming her skin up a little.
They were also a struggle to get on, because Yongsun was falling minutes away from falling asleep, but she managed.
“Alright you need to come with me, so I can dry your hair a little.”
Yongsun just nodded, leaning almost entirely on Byulyi when she stood up.
Byulyi guided her towards the bathroom, dropped her gently over the closed toilet lid and started working with the dryer gently, just barely.
Yongsun hummed when her fingers started going through her scalp, picking the strands apart.
“You feel well enough to eat?” She asked over the quiet hum. “You can rest if you want, you know everyone out there would make sure Soojin goes to bed early.”
Just to try and ease her worries.
But Yongsun shook her head just slightly.
“I know,” She answered, so certain. Trusting. “I would like to go anyway.”
Byulyi nodded, “Alright.”
Just letting her hand gently go through Yongsun’s hair, nails sometimes scratching the scalp a little.
And when she was done, when her fingers started going slower and the dryer turned off completely, Yongsun stared at her.
Looked intensely.
Byulyi could see her trying to reel everything back in.
Trying to get it back together.
The moment they stepped out, warm noise hit them.
Laughter and the sounds of a movie playing in the background.
The smell of food so strongly around them.
“Mom, look!” Soojin came running as soon as they were visible from the living room, swimming in a shirt a few sizes too big on her, stretching her right arm out for both of them to see. It had a whale drawn on it with a blue marker, and four orange fish around it. “Wheein-unnie made a drawing for me,” She recounted excitedly, “She says I can get one that lasts forever when I'm older.”
Yongsun hummed, “We’ll talk about it.” Throwing Wheein a look that only earned a shrug in response.
“Alright, sit down,” Hyejin was scolding them, “You two took so long food’s almost gotten cold.”
Midnight found them sitting close together on the floor.
At some point in the early night, Soojin had fallen asleep on top of Wheein, who had been sprawled all over the couch and Hyejin, trying to watch a movie she had picked herself. Nobody had the heart to wake either of them up, so Byulyi had opted for throwing a few blankets over them.
Hyejin had fallen asleep next, huddled close together to the already sleeping girls. Her head was hanging uncomfortably back, but again, neither of them had had the heart to wake her.
So it was just them, on the living room floor.
Watching a movie that was, at that point, almost completely silent.
Yongsun had been staring back for a while now, not even paying attention.
“What is it?” So Byulyi asked in a whisper, taking in her expression through the darkness.
Yongsun sighed.
“After tonight, with my mother, I thought–” She trailed off, looking staright at Byulyi. “I thought we were alone, on our own,” Quietly, like saying it out loud would make the worst feelings come back. “I was worried that if something happened to me there would be no one there for Soojin.”
And then for the first time that night, while looking back at the three girls uncomfortably lying on the sofa, sleeping away, Byulyi saw the first genuine smile appear on Yongsun’s face. Genuine, so full of love and happiness.
Even if it was still mild, it made her warm all over.
“It’s silly but, she has…she has all of you.” She said, her eyes fond.
“You do too, you know,” Byulyi knocked their shoulders together. “Some things you don’t have to go through alone, not if we can help it.”
“I know.” And it sounded like she believed it.
Like an absolute truth she was just now finding out.
“She has a family here, and so do you,” Byulyi added, smiling back at her. “Always.”
“A family.” Yongsun breathed out weakly, like that had knocked all the air out, like that she somehow couldn't believe.
“Always.”