Harrowhark ran. She felt so astronomically stupid, a reckless idiot, a fool. A fucking braindead-hot-mess-disaster-imbecile. The image of Gideon’s dumbfounded face remained glued in her mind. Her stupid perfectly floppy red hair and her gold eyes staring back at her, her chest heaving, a faint blush of second-hand embarrassment creeping up her frozen face.
“Harrow, what, you don’t-”
But she didn’t listen to the rest. She couldn’t. She ran. She had never been so embarrassed in her miserable life. The door to her room swung open and closed with a thump. Looking at herself in the mirror, her tear-stricken face, eyeliner ruined and mascara running down her cheeks, she felt vomit run up her throat. At another glance at herself in her bathroom mirror she felt her organs threaten to come out alongside the contents of her stomach. Her body trembled over the toilet as her stomach emptied itself.
She lay on the floor afterwards. Salty tears stung her face. Her entire body felt numb. It must have been hours, she really didn’t care to look at a clock, that she lay motionless on the floor, drifting in and out of consciousness. She was so stupid. Stupid to allow herself to want, to think that she would be wanted back. She had allowed her own greed to take over her and blind her.
There was a knock on the door some while later. Harrow didn’t intend to answer the door to anyone ever again. Her foolish attempt was most likely common knowledge by now. Whoever was knocking on her door now was doing it to mock her, to make her aware of what she already knew, that she was ridiculous and-
“Harrow, open the fucking door!”
The knocks got louder, “Open the door Harrow, or I’ll open it myself, Sex Pal gave me his keys,” Gideon’s voice sounded desperate. Perhaps she was there to bargain with her, hoping she’d never share what had happened with anyone, she was too embarrassed. Before she knew it she heard keys turn in the lock and her door swing open. She cursed herself for leaving her extra pair of keys with Palamedes. Her head turned slightly at the bathroom door, where Gideon stood, chest heaving, wearing shorts, a hoodie and her pair of beat-up converse, a pair that Harrow had told her to replace on numerous occasions, only receiving a grunt and an “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” from her. The sight of her alongside the memories made Harrow sick again. Her body was hunched over the toilet within seconds. She was sure that Gideon had left until she felt Gideon rub her back, “Shh it’s okay,” Harrow puked more, “That’s it, let it out.”
The worst was over, she thought. Then she looked up at Gideon’s stupid face. Stupidly handsome, her features soft and careful. Harrow’s tear ducts betrayed her, allowing wetness to streak down her face again, and when Gideon's palms reached out to cup her face she turned away. “Why are you here, Gideon?” Harrow felt the bile travel up her throat again, but she willed it back down. The redhead opened her mouth, but nothing came out. Harrow felt even more pathetic. “You come running after me, why, Nav? To tell me what? That you felt nothing, that you’re sorry that you gave me the wrong impression? You’re sorry but Coronabeth just texted you, so you really gotta run? That you don’t love me? You don’t need to tell me, just leave!” she spat out.
Gideon’s face contorted into a shocked, dumbfounded expression. “You think I don’t love you?” she scoffed, “I’m sorry, I didn’t really get a chance to say anything earlier, seeing as you kissed me and decided to run away from me like I have the plague.” She settled on the floor next to Harrow. “I’m an idiot, Harrow, my brain stopped working.”
“I’m sorry too, I shouldn’t have done that, I totally ruined everything,” Harrow sobbed, like a child. “We can just forget this ever happened, we never have to speak about it from now on.”
Gideon brought her palms up to Harrow's face, cupping her face and wiping her tears away with her thumbs, “Harrow, who said anything about forgetting about it? I froze because the girl I’ve been in love with since I was fifteen was grabbing my face and kissing me, what did you think was happening?”
Harrow looked up at Gideon’s softening gaze. “I… In love?” Gideon’s face was tinted the same colour as before she’d run away, but this time it felt different. Shy. “Um… yes?”, like she couldn’t believe she’d said it out loud. “You don’t have to say it back, Harrow, but I really do love you, and I think I have since we were kids”.
The words hung between them. The silence was comforting to Harrow. She sat on the floor, Gideon's palms cupping her face, listening to her breaths. Harrow sighed into her palms, still feeling the wetness on her cheeks. They sat there for a few minutes, looking into each other's eyes for what felt like the first time. Gideon cleared her throat and what she said next came out in a whisper. “Harrow, can we try that again?” Harrowhark’s heart stopped in her chest. She blinked, then nodded her head ever so slightly. Gideon raised her lips to her forehead and pressed a featherlight kiss to it. She continued to press barely there kisses to her forehead, cheeks and jaw, until their foreheads were pressed together. Harrow pushed the image of her previous attempt out of her mind. She felt Gideon’s breath on her own face. Gideon tilted her chin upwards, meeting Harrow in the middle. Their bodies moved along, Harrow moving from her position to straddle Gideon’s lap, her hands cradling her face, like she’d melt if she didn’t hold her as close as humanly possible.
When they pulled away from the kiss, foreheads close together, hands entwined, it was Harrow’s turn to confess. “Griddle,” Gideon chuckled at the nickname, always meant as an insult in their youth, it now felt endearing, “Yes?”
“I love you.”
Gideon pulled Harrow’s body into her own, holding her. Harrow felt Gideon tremble slightly. Looking up, she took her face into her palms and kissed her cheek. Harrow had never been one for physical affection. She’d never been one for affection, period. This felt different. Every brush of her lips against Gideon’s skin felt necessary. In a way, she was making up for lost time. She whispered against her skin, “I love you,” again and again. Their mouths a breath away, Gideon tipped her mouth against Harrow’s, smiling into the kiss this time, grateful and hopeful that they’d be doing this a lot more. They sat in their spot on Harrowhark’s bathroom floor for what felt like an eternity.
“Gideon?”
“Yes, bone empress?” Harrow rolled her eyes at the nickname, “I need to… shower.”
“Oh, right… I’ll wait outside? Are you hungry? Do you need anything? I could-”
“Gideon.” Harrow turned to look up at her, “Can you stay?” she nodded. “Of course.”
Harrow undressed in silence as Gideon sat with her back turned. She got into the shower, feeling the warm water on her body, comforted by Gideon’s presence in the room. She hadn’t felt comfortable showering in a long time. Gideon made her feel safe, calm. Like nothing bad could happen to her as long as she was there. She hoped that she could provide that for her one day.
“Can you grab me a towel?” Gideon was on her feet instantly, returning as Harrow shut off the shower. Harrow smiled the smallest of smiles, the biggest one Gideon had ever seen on her face, as she wrapped her towel around herself and brushed her teeth. Gideon sat down on her bed while Harrow got dressed. Everything about this felt so right to her. Harrow turned to her, hair dripping wet and a calm look on her face. She stepped between Gideon’s legs, leaning down and pushing her lips against hers, again. Gideon wasn’t sure she’d ever get used to this, to kissing her, touching her, breathing her in. Harrow didn’t know how she’d gone without it for so long.
-----
Harrow woke up two hours later, Gideon’s arm planted firmly around her waist. She tried to turn out of her embrace, but she only got pulled closer. “No way I’m letting you go right now,” Gideon murmured into the pillow, eyes still closed. “We need to eat, Griddle.” Harrow reminded her, smiling at Gideon’s sigh. “Just five more minutes, please Harrow.”
-----
Five minutes later, Harrow patted Gideon’s arm which elicited a groan from her. She stood up and put on a pair of sweatpants, slid her slippers on and pulled a hoodie over her head. Her hair was a mess and she most definitely still had leftovers of mascara under her eyes. She didn’t care. Gideon sat up, stretching her arms into the air, the bottom of her shirt lifting up, exposing her stomach. Harrow's mouth went dry. “You ready to go, my penumbral lady?” was followed by a: “hey, is that mine?” Recognizing that yes, that hoodie was Gideon’s, Harrow blushed, the slightest bit of embarrassment creeping up, “I can leave it, it’s no big deal.”
“Uh, no way, it looks better on you anyway,” Gideon winked at her. “Now, shall we eat?”
They walked over the campus, talking about Harrow’s finals, Gideon’s rugby match that upcoming weekend. Harrow begrudgingly agreeing to watch her play. They sat down in a far corner of the dining hall. “I promise I’ll take you on a better date soon,” Gideon joked, flashing a grin at Harrow across the table. “I’d like that,” she admitted. Gideon opened her mouth to retort but was interrupted. “Harry,” Gideon rolled her eyes at the voice she instantly recognized, “and your… goblin…” Ianthe hung onto every last syllable. “Ianthe, you’re being rude, stop it,” Coronabeth was of course not far behind Ianthe. “I’m only saying hi, am I not allowed to say hi?” “Hey you guys, we’re just leaving,” Corona grabbed her sister’s arm, dragging her away, shooting the pair an apologetic smile. “Do you think they’re together?” Ianthe whisper-screamed at her sister, “Stop being so dramatic.”
Gideon looked over at Harrow. “I don’t know how you put up with her as your roommate for so long.” Harrow and Ianthe were roommates for a semester before Harrow got her own dorm room. Gideon didn’t like Ianthe for some unknown reason, that was becoming clearer and clearer now. “Were you jealous of her, Griddle?” Gideon said nothing, only took the last bite of her pizza, the tops of her ears turning a bright shade of red.
They walked back, deciding that they absolutely needed to stop by Camilla and Palamedes’ dorm, to return the keys, of course. Harrow argued that maybe Gideon should just keep them and Gideon felt like she’d explode into a million tiny pieces, all labelled ‘if lost, return to Harrowhark Nonagesimus’ then and there. “Let me take you out on a real date, then I’ll keep them, okay?” Harrow looked up at her, “okay.”
Camilla came to the door right then, “who is it?” Palamedes called from inside the room, “It’s Gideon and Harrow!” Camilla called back. “Harrow! Come look at my project!” Harrow smiled apologetically at Gideon and Camilla before making her way inside. Gideon’s gaze lingered on her as she walked away, before looking at a smirking Camilla. “So, I guess everything worked out earlier?” Gideon nodded, “you could say that.”
“I’m glad, I always knew there was something between you two that you hadn’t figured out.”
“That obvious, huh?”