Once upon a time there lived a Humpit. This humpit’s name was Dildo Shaggins. Dildo was a nigh insatiable cock-whore, and her wrangling in her infamous den Shag-End had earned her much wealth and acclaim in the Shag-ire. So much so that she drew the attention of one customer in particular…
It was Gandalf, of course. The old coot was planning a great journey, and required the services of a most professional blowjob artist, no expenses spared. He therefore entertained the thought of Miss Dildo entering the employ of his party, and arrived at Shag-End to ensure the reliability of all his recommendations.
Dildo was most polite. “Would you care for some…tea?”
Gandalf smiled mischievously. “Yes, and perhaps some HOT COFFEE?”
Shortly thereafter, Gandalf was seen slowly propelling himself down The Hill in a wheelchair, on account of having temporarily lost all feeling in his legs due to sucking. But the grin on his face could have made the Dark Lord chuckle.
The next evening, Dildo was prepared for a very special dinner party, attended by thirteen very lucky dwarves, all with mega-dicks that needed careful attending to. This was especially the case because only about one-third of dwarves were female, and I am not making that up, Tolkien actually wrote that down somewhere; so that left half the males without any booty unless of course they gave it to each other. Present company excepted, of course.
The dwarves, once Dildo had finally had her fill of them, were called Oaf & Loaf, Poop & Droop, Biff & Stiff, Bee & Pee, Booger & Sugar, Touchy & Feely, and Thawin’ The Gnawin’. Fortunately for her, their names did not describe their sexual habits. Except Touchy & Feely, her favorites of course.
When things at Shag End had quieted down somewhat, Gandalf took a break from chasing the dragon to explain the purpose of their meeting: they were going to go chase a dragon! For realz, and not euphemistically smoke some freaky shit.
Dildo dared to ask, “And what, pray tell me, is my role in this filthy endeavor? And filthy in the ‘we’re going to go camping without toilet paper for months’ way, rather than the good kind of filthy.”
Gandalf scoffed, scowling scruffily. “Oh, you succulent tart! I am not a wizard for nothing. Of course I have arranged for perfectly comfortable traveling accommodations. In fact, I wanted to call it ‘The Magic Schoolbus’ but my lawyers thought that would send an unfortunate message. ‘The Mystery Machine’ was taken as well. So I had to settle for a name that conveyed the sense of what it could do, while being heavily sarcastic and offensive at the same time. So I called it the reTARDIS.”
The whole party laughed with glee. No way that could ever come back and haunt them later. Gandalf continued his explanation.
“Your role, apart from the obvious of keeping up morale, is very special. You see, nobody actually knows what gender Smaug the Golden is. Anyone who might have been close enough to check was fucked to death. Now, obviously our dwarven friends here tonight could handle a female dragon all their own. But every gay dwarf was seduced by the flaming Balrog of Morgoth in Moria, and refuses to answer their voicemail. Hence, we need a chick to suck his dick if Smaug is a guy.”
The dwarves all nodded and said uh-huh. Hickle & Pickle gave two thumbs up. Looper & Scooper harrumphed. Peeper & Creeper merely looked suspicious.
Dildo was already leaning towards acceptance. After all, she was basically a gold digger already. But she saw the opportunity for one minor concession.
“Okay, I will sign the contract, but on one condition. If Smaug is a chick, I get to dive in first.”
“Done!” said Gandalf delightedly. “You’ll be able to warm up the team!”
Battie & Hattie agreed. Moosh & Swoosh concurred. Burp & Twirp hallucinated on mushrooms.
With her signature freshly written, Dildo went to sleep. When she got up the next morning, she noticed that everything had been cleaned up, rather like the events of the previous night had been a warm, loving dream. But because she was an adult and not a complete fucking moron, she realized that she should go down to the town square where Gandalf and friends were obviously waiting for her.
Sure enough, there was Gandalf, smoking a suspicious substance in his pipe, a dangerous thing to be doing when he was the only one who knew how to drive and they had to go like a thousand miles that day alone. He was leaning against a decent quality charter bus, upon the side of which the name ‘reTARDIS’ had been sloppily painted. When she inspected the interior, Dildo found that the volume inside was exactly what anyone should have expected.
Gandalf gave Dildo a wink with a smirk and sat down in the driver’s seat. Merrily, he and the dwarves began to sing: “We’re off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!”
It turned out that Gandalf was not only high, but he was an early morning drinker as well. Dildo and the dwarves sang for dear life, for if they stopped they would shit themselves to death in fear. It didn’t help that past Bree, the great East Road had not been paved for over a thousand years.
Try as he might, even Gandalf’s buzz eventually wore out, and he had to slow down by nightfall. Amazingly, this is when they finally experienced car trouble, with the reTARDIS suffering a flat all the while every spare had been flung off to kingdom come during the ride from hell.
“I’ll be back,” Gandalf growled in a fake accent, as he ominously exited the bus into the pitch dark rain, seemingly never to be seen again. Everybody else, on the other hand, was in line for the toilet, puking and shitting their guts out. Soon it was overflowing, and they ran out in terror and disgust.
“Well I’ll be pickled,” said Fallon. His twin brother Scallon agreed. “Jiminy Cricket in an ice cream shop!”
“Bad,” said Pap & Crap.
“Stinky,” said Inky & Blinky.
“What?” asked their twin brothers Pinky & Stinky.
“That’s enough!” roared Thawin’, the only dwarf with any character development. “Somebody needs to go find a payphone, my cell ain’t got no signal.”
Dildo volunteered immediately. Anything to get away from the interchangeable mob.
“Good luck,” said the dwarves, whom she couldn’t tell apart. Dildo left in a hurry. Unlike some people who go on long journeys, Dildo had maintained her membership in triple A and knew roughly where she was. She also knew there was an old spa nearby. And they would have a clean set of bathrooms!
Soon enough, she found the place. The hot springs were currently occupied by a trio of trolls, who were having a barbecue while bragging about all the feelings they had hurt that day. Dildo found it easy to sneak in and freshen up without being noticed. Then, ever attuned to a business opportunity, she presented herself to the trolls, who were totally DTF. They kept it up until sunrise, when the trolls retired to their rooms and certainly did not turn into stone because that would be completely ludicrous. It was only then that Dildo realized that Gandalf and the dwarves had been there nearly the entire time, keeping the ambient heat set to sexy.
After stealing the spa’s entire continental breakfast (which they did not deserve, as they were not paying customers of the resort), Gandalf magicked the reTARDIS back into ship-shape, and our adventurers arrived at Rivendell. They did not stay for long, however, as the resident elves WERE ZOMBIES no just kidding I thought of a Resident Evil/Elves joke right then, instead the dwarves did not like the anxious looks they were getting so they left the building ha ha haaaa! But seriously, there was a serious imbalance in the guy to girl ratio in Rivendell, so much so that Gandalf and the dwarves decided to leave before things got too personal. But alas, they realized they had left poor Dildo behind to fend for herself. So they turned around, and when they had arrived once more they understood that Dildo does not let an opportunity for paying work go by the wayside. In their short time apart, she had quite magnificently turned all the elves straight, except for the she-elves, whom of course became excellent lesbians. Thus was the ultimate undoing of the kingdom of Gondor foretold.
The party, fully loaded with the treasures of Rivendell our gold-digger had dug, set off once more. They drove directly into a run-down abandoned scenic lodge straight out of a slasher film, ruining their vehicle quite badly. And as they were high up enough for lightning to be an issue, they were truly fucked.
Then a bunch of mountain giants showed up nearby to have a both literal and figurative penis-measuring contest, proving too much for even the stoutest dwarf or wizard to countenance. But not Dildo! She finished them off, and upon her return, found her traveling companions to be asleep. But not alone! A large number of goblins had shown up, to rifle through their stuff!
Dildo screamed, “Come and get it, you queens!” and the dwarves woke up in a flash, just in time to find their hands and legs cuffed. It turns out goblins are gold-diggers all their own, and the natural rivals of the Humpits. Whereas Dildo’s folk were known for their vigorous thrusting action and overall bounciness, goblins were primarily thieves and blowjob artists. But Dildo was famous enough in her line of work that the goblins heartily invited her to Goblin-Towne for a proper seminar. She so impressed the Great Goblin that they freed the dwarves and had an orgy. Oh, and Gandalf did something, apparently.
The plot, however, dictated that Dildo should find a magic ring, so she did. She had to fuck a pathetic wretch named Gollum for it though, and he had a rather strong choking fetish, but nothing Dildo couldn’t handle. Oh, and the magic ring turns the wearer invisible, but not their clothes. So Gandalf supposed the ring was meant for illicit trysts, and that Dildo was therefore meant to have it, because of course.
On the other side of the mountains, the team ran into the more boring part of the book, and ran away as fast as they could. They ended up in Mirkwood, and unfortunately, Gandalf wasn’t there. So they followed the path until a bunch of sexy spider babes kidnapped them for sport. Dildo was able to avoid capture, although she really, really wanted that sport, and instead used her magic ring to be magically invisible. And naked, don’t forget! She then used her magical dildo Squirt, obtained from a part of the book I forgot to write in, and earned another pile of money for her fucking skills. And freed the dwarves, who immediately got captured by some elves.
This group of elves was less fruity than the ones in Rivendell, but still, Dildo had her work cut out for her. Somehow, she got the Elvenking pregnant with Orlando Bloom, and managed to sneak her companions away through a water park ride. The elves, for their part, walked off set in a huff and were replaced by Peter Jackson with CGI.
Dildo and company then arrived just outside Laketown, but quickly turned away in disgust. It was full of shameless cameos, and also building a wooden town directly above the surface of a lake in a medieval fantasy means you are fishing in your own toilet. So the team avoided the place and spent a lot of the money Dildo had acquired throughout the journey to furnish some new wheels. But all they could find was their old reTARDIS, conveniently for sale in a used car lot.
They reached the Lonely Mountain, and went in the front gate, because if Smaug was asleep, then you don’t really need a secret side entrance, do you? Nope. They found the dragon easily enough, and because it had been drawn impractically big, it was absolutely stuck. In fact, it had starved to death almost immediately after it had run out of sexual partners to abuse. The dwarves declared victory.
Victory, however, had a serious case of blue-balls. The rumor of the death of the dragon spread improbably fast, and many people decided to have a go at the treasure. The elves of Mirkwood, seeking alimony payments. The men of Laketown, who needed gold to build the latest extravagance of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. The eagles, who were going on strike because all their lines had been cut from the movies. And finally, Gandalf showed up again out of nowhere. It turns out he had been interviewing villains for the sequel.
Dildo saw all this shaping up and decided to give it her best shot at securing world peace through sultry, sultry love. She rode a tidal wave of spunk back home to Shag End. The End.