38
𝓣𝓪𝓮𝓱𝔂𝓾𝓷𝓰'𝓼 𝓹𝓸𝓿:
I dip the tip of my quill as I stare at the deep sea, it felt more lonely now that I have been spending time alone, a shade of blue and grey I'd say and also passionately alone. Afterall who can face the sea and not inherit it's loneliness??? I looked down at the paper and wonder what mess I have been for past weeks. There lies three of my other journals on the flowers, there stems broken with weight of my sorrow, full of my self written poetry.
I have been running, chasing peace.
Feeling of being lost was worst these days, I felt so at misery that I have been writing poetry to run through it all. And it did helped me somehow.To feel the pain, to feel the love, to feel hate and to feel other hundreds of emotions I have been hiding deep in my heart.
Most of the day I would write poetry, I would bleed on the paper as if I was been stabbed ruthlessly, the other half of the day I would learn sword fighting, but I would learn art of dance too. But once it was past the sunset, once the orange flaming red sky would turn black, once it was night again, I would slip back inside my room, lock myself and miss him even more.
There is a part of me that is desperate to know if my absence has done any damage to him. That there is a possibility that he too, experiences long restless nights due to the thought of me. That his heart is broken in the same places as mine. I want to know that I'm not the only one hurting from this. I want to know if I actually meant something to him.
Staying here miles away from him made me feel the grief through the parts of my body which were too hollow, too crooked. I've learned this now , grief is really just love, its all the love you want to give to certain someone but you cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in a corners of your eyes , the lump in your throat and the hollow part of your chest , grief is just love with no place to go, love which is abandoned and Not Recieved. But Agony were roots of damage.
I would not lie, I was angry. I would have still stayed by his side if not my self esteem and my ego had hindered the path of my love. I was blinded with the love I had for him, sometimes I wondered how was I able to love someone else more then I would love those infinite moons and stars. How was I able to love him more then I would love myself breathing.
But the despair in me, the agony he gave me, the chaos he made inside me was frightening, was heavy and was sad. I was angry more. Why would he not choose me????? Was I not anything to him???? He sold me ???? He said he loved me, was it all just words and no promises??? I thought of such things over and over again till my eyes would shut with pain.
I was oblivious to the fact that I was not angry because he hurted my self esteem. I was angry because he hurted my ego. And I was broken because he broke my trust and didn't bothered to care about my self respect.
I look at the words sprawled on paper, and I thought if these words meant anything now, I wondered if there's anyone else for whom I would loose my peace just to become a pure chaos like he would make out of me.
And would I be able to see him walking away again??
On a street full of flowers, I see you, today as well
Would I be able to hold this scene in me
I cradle what I feel now in a park where the morning moon has left
This song goes towards you
I still wonder wonder beautiful story
Still wonder wonder best part
I still wander wander next story
I want to make you mine.
I sit staring at the flower petals falling beautifully on the water and floating happily , did I fell like this??? Beautifully?? Without fear of going inside deep?? Did I assumed he was holding on to me when it was just me floating by myself all this time???
I stop and thought of lines I would right next, but I was not able to form them. Instead I saw his face and his smile and next I was missing him stupidly but I hated myself for doing it too.
"Taehyungahh, what are you writing again?? " I jerk my head up, I find myself hastily folding the paper and holding it behind my back as too keep it away from joon hyung.
Joon hyung smirked. He is a devil, the amount of times he had disturbed me while I've been writing is frustrating. But he is a good hyung, hyung who made so many meals for me, who bought me clothes and also trained me at sword fighting. Besides that he is the only person in this palace I have seen Jiminie hyung being comfortable and soft with.
"Show me" He says.
I shake my head.
"Hyung it's nothing"
He sits on his knees in front of me squinting his eyes, his glamorous dimples shining with ecstasy.
"I literally read two lines of it, don't you dare to lie Kim"
I laugh.
"Hyung, just leave, goooo, let me be by myself" I huff
His eyes softens and I take a breathe of relief, he would now leave me alone. And then his eyes go wide.
"Jiminahh, take that from him" He screams and I gasp with fear, I turn around to protest but I was met with nothing but air. Joon hyung behind me laughs as he snatches the letter from my hand and stands on his feet back.
"Thank you, I'll return it once I'm done reading it" He winks.
I gasps audibly, my eyes widening.
He starts running towards the palace, I huff as I start chasing him around the flower field. I try to hurry up behind hyung who speeds up even more, he holds my poetry in air as it sways with the wind.
I feel the silk drape slid of my skin revealing my bare hands and my back , the low V cut robe stuns on my honey body. I see the drape falling onto the mud getting a darker shade of brown, but I simply don't care about it at this moment.
Joon hyung laughs loudly and I feel myself giggling at how people around us smile and cheer me more to catch up hyung. One of my shoe falls behind and then I am trying to stand myself better, I run around and I catch Joon hyung.
I huff as I snatch my now crumpled up piece of paper from him.
"That's it, I'm going to complain about you to Jiminie hyung. I hate you. Look what you did hyung. It took me two days to write it, it was not even completed yet. "
I grumble as I walk towards the palace court room. Today jimin Hyung had no visitors, so I knew I would find him there, Joon hyung is getting on my nerves not gonna lie. Only jiminie Hyung can make him stop.
"Hyaa aishhh, tae. I'm sorry. I won't do that again. "
I shake my head as I aggressively snap the door open.
I look behind towards Joon Hyung, I see him pleading me as I smirk and move back. I walk in with a smug feeling of winning over him. My feets full off mud leave the patchy impression on floor carpet. But I giggle and turn around to look at jimin hyung.
I could feel my breathe hitch in my chest next, goosebumps making the back of my neck hair stand with horror. Jungkook's eyes do not waver, they were heavy on me. I feel Jungkook's eyes move from me to Joon hyung and then back at me. I feel lost once again, it's been weeks, it feels like ages though.
I hold down the urge to ask him how was he doing and if he missed me,the urge to cover myself up were his heavy eyes fall on my burning skin. I wanted to set my hair and dab the wrinkles of my robe. But then I frown, he is no one to me , I do not need his validation to how I am presenting myself to him.
Joon hyung briefly cuts me, he snatches the piece of paper again, trying to read out those line loud, I gasp.
I run over to him, shoving my hand on his mouth, muffling his words.
"Hyungie, I'm done with Joon hyung he keeps on being silly. He even threw my drape in mud Hyung" I see joon Hyung gasp.
"Don't lie , don't lie Taebear. Jiminahh he is lying"
Jimin hyung holds his both hands in air, his shoulders lifting up.
"Namjoon, what my angel says I will listen to it. If he said you did it, you did it. " Jimin Hyung hands out for me to pass him the piece of paper.
I move towards hyung, but the heavy scent of musk burn my guts as I smell him. My heart beats loud and scared, I don't want to see him, I don't want him anywhere near me at all. He lost me, he made me lost myself and no, I won't ever forgive him for doing that to me.
Jimin hyung folds the paper and hands it to me.
"Namjoon, spare my angel and stop teasing him. Let him be"
Namjoon Hyung sighs rolling his eyes while I giggle looking at him being all grumpy with jiminie hyung.
I try to smile and laugh and just not show the way my legs shake as I feel his eyes holding onto me.
Joon Hyung whines as he explains and tries to prove his innocence to hyung.
And As much as I try to ignore the other man standing between us, my eyes move past joon hyung to stop over Jungkook for a second, I loose myself to the little crack of love I had for him, and then I regret instantly looking at him
He looks diseased, he looks dead and nothing like the Majesty he was before. His hands shiver, and his eyes scan my face in urgency, but I decline to show what I feel.
I decline to show him how I wanted to see him, I no longer feel like having any conversation with him either. It all ended long back and that's how it should be. I move my eyes towards jimin Hyung again.
"Hyungie, I'll leave. I'm visiting forest today with joon Hyung. We are late already. " I smile
Jiminie Hyung nods, as he caress my cheek and kisses top of my head softly.
"Take him properly Namjoon, and please no teasing in there. If anything happens to my angel you better know the consequences" He glares.
Namjoon hyung bows, and mimicks Jiminie Hyung, he wraps his arm around my shoulder as he pulls me away from the scent that heavies my chest.
And once we were out, a tear slips my eyes. I fear I never will be able to hate him with my whole heart. I fear I'm as dead as he looked today.
This was the end I have been wishing ever since he had sold me. I was wishing to see him as hurt as I was, but now when I saw him, with his eyes no longer shining, with his smile no more reaching his cheeks, with his cheeks being no more full, with his body being Skinnier he have ever been, I no longer feel my heart chasing the train of rage, I thought I would ever want for him.
This had to be a goodbye, this has to be stopped. This has to be the end him and I ,we both deserve.
May be, may be in another universe, may be in some another galaxy I am all he have and he is what all I would need, I hope in another universe he loves me like I have loved him.
I hope we are happy together in every other universe , we were not meant to be together for now. We were never.
Namjoon hyung hold my hand, as he wipes of my tears for me, his hand curl around me as he hugs me deeply.
"Taehyungahh, it's okay. Not all love stories are bound to have a good happy ending. May be you deserve so much better, may be he deserves someone else too. Just let it go yeahh???? And try to wait for what's yours. "
I nod, as I grip on his hanbok for my life. He walks me out of the palace and takes me to my room
"Now that you just made up a random lie of visiting forest, I feel it's a good idea in real
Let's visit. I'll show you waterfalls and the famous garden there, should we? "
I look at him and smile.
"Sure, hyung. "
He smiles his deep dimple smile and close the door behind.
I sigh.
I turn around, and there it is. The death wish he planned for me.
On the bed, there's a big gift basket with lots of daisies and hundreds of letters wrapped with a ribbon.
I whimper , the tears finally come gushing out of me.
I do not dare to open those, I do not care to look at them even once.
How dare he.???
How dare he thought, he have any right to do this. How dare he thought he'll do something like this and I'll let him have a piece of my mind????
I would never, I would never.
He ended things, and I walk with him and his decision.
We were done, we were done when I walked off his room that day.
It ended.
It had to end.
He was a warrior after all I was just a Paramour.