I’d like to tell you.
The party was in full swing. As much as prom from a catholic school could be, anyway. Colet, Jhoanna, and Gwen were all seated at their table, quietly nursing a spiked drink they smuggled inside the venue. On the table across theirs, Maloi, Stacey, Sheena, and Aiah were animatedly talking to each other, hands flying from over-exaggerating a story no doubt. She smiles as she looks at her.
And I’d like to say, how I feel right now.
From where they are seated, Colet could see Mikha approaching. Mikhaela Janna Lim. The volleyball superstar. She looks stunning in her red dress that matched her red hair perfectly, making every person she passed turn their heads, even those already dancing with their partners.
Mikha reached the other table, and Colet sees the other girls pause. Waiting. Holding their breath. Then Mikha flashes her killer smile, the kind that gets her whatever she wants, and holds out her hand.
“Mary Loi Ricalde, can I have this dance?”
Maloi doesn’t hesitate.
“Of course, Mikhs. Take me away.”
She doesn’t even bother looking back. Colet drowns her drink before refilling immediately.
And I’d like to follow you down the hall. And see where it goes from there.
“Where did you learn how to dance, Mikhs?”
“Sheena taught me.”
Colet couldn’t actually hear whatever the two were talking about. But it was like the alcohol made her hyperaware. Like she was spiderman and her senses has somehow allowed her to lip read that far into the room.
Regardless, Colet watched.
Oh but you, you don’t care.
“Dapat pala matagal na kitang pina-tutor kay Sheena. Edi sana ikaw ang nagsayaw sakin nung debut ko.”
Cause you don’t see me that way.
“Psh.”
Mikha tried to downplay the effect of what Maloi said, but the creeping blush on her cheeks suggests otherwise.
You don’t see the way I look at you.
“Tama na titig, te Colet.”
When you are not looking at me.
“Pakyu, Jho.”
Colet takes another swig at her drink, contemplating if she was going to shove everything again in one go, but stopped at the last minute.
“Kung ako yan iiyak ako.”
Jhoanna teased.
Colet was still watching the two figures dancing.
I wish that I could tell you every single thought I ever had about you and me.
“Kung ako sayo lalayo ako sakin kasi baka masapak kita.”
“So violent, my gosh.”
Jhoanna retorts. Colet doesn’t pay her any attention. It was only when Gwen spoke that she was able to tear her eyes away from Maloi and Mikha.
“Di ka pa aamin?”
But you don’t see me that way.
She smiles bitterly. The drink on her hand would probably taste like poison now. She drinks it anyway.
“Bat pa ako aamin eh talo na?”
And I’d like to hold you here in my arms.
Colet swipes her mouth with the back of her hand. She was right. Poison.
“Sasagutin niya na raw si Mikha tonight.”
And have you never leave.
“Eh pucha bat pa tayo nandito? Tara, bounce na! Ayain natin sila Sheena uminom.”
Jhoanna offers escape. Colet knows she should say yes. To leave this suffocating place, and yet she shakes her head.
“No.”
And I’d like to give you all that I have, to have you stay with me.
Colet sees the pity in their eyes.
“Ate...”
She forces another drink. The alcohol tastes less bitter now, more familiar, more tolerable.
“Kaya ko, Jho. Kailangan kong makita. Para siguro tumigil na to,” she points to her heart.
Oh, but you, you don’t see me.
Jhoanna sighs. There was no point in arguing with her anyway. The younger girl knows just how stubborn she is.
“Basta kapag gusto mo umalis sabihan mo lang kami,” Gwen offers her support.
“Or kung gusto mong kalaplapan pwede rin naman ako,” Jhoanna jokes.
“Gago.”
She gives them a small smile. Thankful that her friends are here to pick up whatever pieces will be left of her after this night.
A commotion from the middle of the dancefloor caused their focus to shift from their drinks to a kneeling Mikha holding out a tiny box in front of Maloi.
You don’t see me that way.
Colet loses her grip on the cup containing her poison.
You don’t see the way I look at you, when you are not looking at me.
Instead of shattering though, the glass falls unassumingly, spilling its contents on top of the table.
“Uy, beh!”
Jhoanna and Gwen stood up immediately. Beside her, they worked quickly to contain the mess. Jhoanna asked other tables for napkins and tissues, while Gwen strategically wiped the liquid near the edges to the middle to prevent it from spilling any further.
All the while, Colet was seated. Unable to tear her gaze away from what was happening in front of her. She should. She knows she should. She wishes she could.
Instead, she stares at Mikha. Willing her to stand up. To stop. To leave.
But you don’t see me that way.
“Maloi, will you be my girlfriend?”
Silence.
For Colet it was silence. Despite the room filling with cheers from everyone watching. Because Maloi smiled. Like she would never smile at Colet. Because she is Colet, and not Mikha. And Maloi doesn’t see her that way.
I stare at you across the room and maybe make a move at you.
Then Maloi doesn’t answer. Instead, she looks at the crowd like she was looking for something. Or someone. Or-
I don’t think you’d take it too well.
Her breath hitched. Maloi’s eyes were on her.
And Colet? Colet would take this moment. Twist it in her mind. Pretend in the dark hours of the night that Maloi was looking at her like she sees her. And wants her. And loves her. And-
“Ate, lalapit sayo,” Gwen nudges her.
And Maloi was. Slowly, but surely, making her way towards her. If Colet was paying attention, she would see how Mikha glances at another table, where a set of eyes laid, carefully watching. She would see the pained expression of the two, quickly masked by stubborn indifference, as Mikha waits for her date, the person she was asking to be her girlfriend, who was walking to someone else, while she was still on her knees, waiting.
But Colet wasn’t paying attention to Mikha. Or to anyone else, really. Now that Maloi was standing in front of her. She lets herself believe for half a moment that Maloi would touch her hand. But Maloi had other plans.
“Pahiram ako ng kaibigan niyo.”
And Maloi doesn’t wait for her friends’ reply. She drags her to stand up and walks in the middle of the room where Mikha was waiting patiently.
I steal another glance or two or maybe take a chance with you.
Before she could ask what Maloi was doing, dragging her in the middle of them, Maloi holds her hand.
“I’d say yes,”
Maloi started. And immediately Colet wanted to go. Even if it means letting go of the hand holding her in place. Maloi must have sensed this, her hesitation, so she intertwines it, keeping her in place. Maloi continued.
“But only if it’s okay with Colet?”
That last part was directed at her. She can tell by the way Maloi squeezed her hand. The one that was holding hers. She looks at Maloi and for a moment she could see something there. Something she can’t quite reach. Longing? Hope? Want?
Then she looks at Mikha. She doesn’t care about Mikha. She doesn’t even like Mikha-
“What do you say, bro?”
She hates Mikha. She’s not her bro. They are not friends. She doesn’t even know her-
“Yes or no, Colet?”
No. No. No. She chants in her head.
But what comes out was a question.
“Loi, bakit ako?”
And the answer was more than enough.
“Because you’re my bestfriend, Col. I trust you.”
But you, you don’t need me. You don’t even see me.
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
Colet nods.
“Okay!"
Mikha smiled and clapped her hand. Breaking whatever spell, she and Maloi had.
Colet could not remember, (she remembers), if it was her or Maloi, (it was her), that had let go. Immediately after standing up, Mikha took Maloi’s hand, the one that was holding Colet a little while ago, and placed the ring carefully, adding a small kiss on the hand as a final touch. All around them, everyone gathered to congratulate and celebrate the two.
Colet took that as a cue to leave.
She returns to their table to find Jhoanna and Gwen not hiding it anymore. Pity. Poison. She needed to get out of here. But she wasn’t selfish enough to ask her friends to leave. Not when Jhoanna finally had the guts to ask Stacey out. And not when Gwen finally saved up enough to get Sheena the necklace she was planning to give during the last dance of the night.
No, Colet won’t be selfish.
She smiled at her friends and diligently shook her head when asked if she wanted to go. She had already told the biggest lie of her life tonight, why not add a few more?
So, she stayed.
the night ended with mikha being hailed as prom queen while some random dude from the basketball team was crowned as king. mikha, being the gentlewoman that she is, took maloi’s hand for the second time that night and asked to dance with her. maloi smiled and said yes for the second time.
and when mikha leaned in and whispered, “can i kiss you, maloi?”
she said, “yes,” for the third time.
and for the third time that night, colet’s heart broke.
she wipes her tears as she slips away with aiah arceta in tow. the girl whose heart was equally broken as hers. maybe together they could fix each other, colet thinks as she locks the bathroom door. maybe. but for now, they kiss each other desperately both of them closing their eyes and pretending. wishing the other was someone else, while some random song plays outside.
Couse you don’t see me that way.
You don’t see the way I look at you. When you are not looking at me.
I wish that I could tell you every single thought I ever had about you and me.
But you don’t see me that way.