Chapter 4
“Who the fuck are you, and why the fuck are you in my bed?” The figure hissed, voice cutting through the morning air like glass, sharp and clean. Remus groaned, pushing himself up onto his elbows, squinting his eyes in order to make out the face of the intruder.
“Jesus, calm the fuck down. What is it?”
“Get out of my bed.”
“I’m not in yours, am I?” Remus said, confused. The figure sighed in exasperation, raking a hand through his hair and pulling aside the rest of his bed curtains, revealing another blank bed to Remus’ side, a bed with his own trunk at its foot. “Oh, shit, sorry,” Remus swore, swinging his legs out of the bed quickly, doing his best to straighten the sheets and duvet.
“Leave it,” the boy huffed, and Remus could practically hear his eye roll - he really should introduce this guy to Regulus, they could roll their eyes at him in unison, sighing in sync-
Oh.
“You’re… Sirius?” He asked, flicking on a lamp, allowing warm light to fall upon the boy’s face - and yes, there was no questioning this was Sirius Black. Much like Regulus’, his skin was the colour of ivory, perhaps a few shades darker than his brother’s. Despite his young age, his face was already sculpted by the sharp cheekbones beneath his skin, framed by ebony curls that tumbled down just past his shoulders. Objectively, objectively, gorgeous. Maybe Lily would go for him, who knew - he probably already had a girlfriend, how could someone like him not?
And… Remus had definitely seen that face before.
Sirius snapped his head up, eyes widening as he met Remus’, seemingly stunned.
“You- never mind,” he began, sitting down on his bed and crossing his legs. “How do you know that?”
“Telepathic,” Remus shrugged, stretching out on his own bed, sheets cool with disuse against his skin.
“Funny, you think you are. What’s yours?”
“My what?” Remus turned over, back to Sirius as he buried his face in his pillow.
“Name, you dumb fuck. We’re roommates, I at least have the right to know that,” Sirius snapped. Roommates. The thought of having to share a room with Sirius Black for the next three years of his life made Remus’ stomach twist into knots.
“Remus.”
“Remus what?”
“Lupin. And if you even start, I’ve heard enough from your broth-”
“You know Regulus?” Sirius said, incredulously.
“Yeah, met on the train you weren’t even on,” Remus pointed out, lifting his head from his pillow to look at Sirius boredly.
“Huh,” Sirius said thoughtfully, before standing up suddenly. “Hey, James left a timetable on the floor, probably yours,” he said, brandishing a piece of paper in front of Remus’ face before scrunching it into a ball and throwing it at his nose. The paper hit his face with a dull smack, falling to the floor limply.
“Prick,” Remus grumbled, picking the paper up from the floor and unfolding it. “Wait, shit, what’s the time?”
“Second period starts in six minutes,” Sirius shrugged, smug. Swearing under his breath and scrambling out of bed, Remus threw the lid to his trunk open, sorting through his rough packing job for his uniform.
“Can you look away?”
“Yeah, yeah, fine.” Sirius complied, holding his hands above his head in mock surrender, turning his back to face Remus as he undressed and put on his uniform (minus, of course, the horrendous cloak), attempting to tie his Gryffindor tie and failing masterfully. Still, there was no chance he was getting Sirius to help him - Lily could help him when they got to class. Or James, even - Remus had a feeling he would delight at the prospect.
“Finished,” Remus said promptly. They left the room, walking down the corridor and out into the main common room. As he turned to open the door to the stairwell, Sirius sighed, eyes trained on Remus’ neck.
“Could you get any worse?” He said, gesturing to the tie around Remus’ neck, causing Remus to flush a similar colour to its fabric. “Did your governess really never teach you to tie one of these?”
“Not all of us had governesses, Sirius,” Remus bristled, slapping Sirius’ hand away. “Lily’ll help me.”
“Lily? Lily Evans? Please, god, let me fix it. I was practically trained for situations like this,” Sirius offered. With a sigh of defeat, Remus let his arms fall to his sides as Sirius’ hands deftly removed the tie from his neck, unfolding it in his pale, slender hands. Remus’ breath hitched ever so slightly - why, why, was he so close? - as he kept his eyes firmly trained on the wall behind Sirius’ head. Wrapping the tie around Remus’ neck, Sirius moved closer, twisting the fabric around itself until it formed a neat knot below his throat.
“There, easy,” he grunted, stepping backwards, towards the stairs. Remus thought it would’ve been polite to say thank you. Thus, he neglected to speak. Though, he had come to the firm decision that he heavily disliked Sirius Black, and would request a change of dorm at the next possible opportunity.
_____________________________________________
Herbology class was to be found in a large greenhouse on the Hogwarts grounds, a tall, tinted glass structure filled to the brim with leafy plants, reminding Remus of a more familiar kind of greenhouse Sean’s uncle owned back home. Desks lined the floor, sitting upon mismatched stones with grass bleeding from in between them. As soon as they had passed the door, Remus and Sirius parted in mutual silence, Sirius walking over to sit by James, Remus by Lily and her friend, who quickly introduced herself as Marlene. With a tongue almost as sharp as her mouth, Marlene was another Hogwarts student unfortunate enough to have been given a maroon tie. Almost instantly, Remus liked her.
Herbology passed by quickly, Remus finding himself able to converse easily with both Lily and Marlene, who was as effortlessly funny as she was interesting, never a dull word falling out of her mouth. More than once, Remus and Lily collapsed into a fit of laughter after one of Marlene’s sly remarks, quietened by threats of separation from their professor, but never quite silenced. As the period grew to a close, Remus tapped Lily on the shoulder.
“Lily?”
“Yeah?”
“Where’s that phone James was talking about? I haven’t called Theo and Sean.”
“Oh yeah, of course! It’s kind of near here, actually, there’s a little payphone-type kind of thing, but the school pays, of course. Don’t forget to say hi from me!” Lily smiled, the sound of the bell ringing through the greenhouse as the words left her mouth.
“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Remus grinned, pushing his chair back and rushing out the door - he had been in too much of a rush to take any books to class, a stroke of stupidity that now seemed to be working out for him just fine.
Finding the phone didn’t take much effort. A quick scan of the grounds led Remus down a path towards a small structure that greatly resembled a bus shelter - open, but shielded from the rain by three wooden walls and a makeshift roof. Walking around the side, Remus caught a glimpse of the phone, attached to the wall by a grey cord. He quickly picked it up, cold metal in his hands, punching in Theo’s number, now transferred from print on paper to a tattoo in his mind.
One ring. Another. Another.
“This number could not be contacted. Please leave a message at the tone.”
Huh. As the tone sounded, Remus took a deep breath.
“Hey, Theo, it’s Remus. Just wanted to let you know I’m here, I’m good. Lily’s here too - mad, I know - and she says to say hi. This is the school’s number, so don’t call back, I’ll try again tomorrow. Oh, and thanks again for Qu-” the phone beeped, cutting Remus off. He sighed, hanging the phone back on the wall and shivering. Deep down in his stomach, he felt an inexplicable ache, a pain that made him want to fall to the ground and throw up, to watch his insides writhe on the ground in front of him. Missing, missing, missing. Fighting nausea, Remus leaned an arm against the wood, black spots dotting his vision like splatters of paint.
His mind fell back upon Theo and Sean, and somehow, somehow, the ache seemed to intensify, crawling through his arms and reaching his fingertips. All he wanted was to go back to that night, back to the line outside, back to-
“Who’re you calling?” a voice called from behind him. Remus didn’t bother turning, he knew it was Sirius.
It was Sirius. That night, that voice, how could he have missed it?
“Sirius,” Remus choked out.
“Just kidding, I don’t actually care. So, just to be clear before I ask, I’m asking for James, and James only. He wants to know if you want to come sit with us. It’s me, you, James, and Pete. Lily sits near us, too. So, yes or no?” He asked, clearly impatient. Remus didn’t answer, but turned to face the other boy slowly. “Jesus, you’re pale. You good?”
“Yeah, fine,” Remus grimaced, pushing himself off the wood. “Hey, were you at a Queen concert a coupl’a nights ago?”
“What? Are you stupid?” Sirius retorted. Remus raised his eyebrows, sceptical.
“No. You were there, I know it. You gave me a ticket,” Remus said, firmly. Sirius only rolled his eyes, exasperated. Drama ran in the family, it seemed.
“Look, no offence, but why would I give some random kid a concert ticket?”
“Don’t call me a kid, I’m probably older than you.”
“You wish. I’m 16 in November.”
“Fuck, you’re right - 15 in March. Couldn’t tell by looking at you, let alone hearing any of the bullshit that comes out of your mouth.”
“Do you want to sit with us, or not?”
“Not particularly, if you’re there. So, why didn’t you say anything? You recognised me, I know you did.”
“You’re delusional.”
“You’re a narcissist.”
“Great, we’re even. Can I go now?” Sirius complained, picking at a fingernail.
“You could’ve left at any moment.”
“You are so annoying,” Sirius hissed, turning on his heel and marching back towards the castle, before promptly trudging back less than ten seconds later. “Look, I can’t break James’ heart. Will you please just come and sit with him? Just for the next ten minutes, you can go bother Lily at lunch. Though, she’ll probably be with James and Pete by the time I get you over there.”
“Fine. I like James.”
“Everyone likes James. I like him best, though,” Sirius said as they began to walk, feet resisting the sludgy ground that stuck to their shoes, splattered on the hem of their pants.
“If you say so.”
“I do.”
“Ok, ok, fine. How’d you know him, anyway?” Sirius smiled wistfully, and for just a second, Remus felt a little bit of kindness towards the boy was owed. Boyish and somewhat endearing, his smile did nothing to reflect any of the persona Remus was drawing up to be Sirius inside of his mind so far. Trust the mention of James Potter to bring out the good in every annoying soul.
“We met in first year. My father told me not to talk to him - he’d given me a list of people to befriend, you know, and James wasn’t on it. If there’d been a list of who not to befriend - which I was actually a little surprised didn’t exist -, James would’ve been at the very top.” Sirius spoke quickly, his words running together.
“Can’t see why. So, you were placed in a dorm together?”
“Yup. Worst decision McGonagall’s ever made,” Sirius grinned, turning his head to look at Remus, before seemingly remembering himself. He cleared his throat, face reverting back to its previous neutrality. “Anyway. He and Peter will be just around here.” The two turned a corner, revealing a small patch of grass beyond lines of flowerbeds, where James, Lily and Marlene were sitting alongside a short, dirty blonde boy and a girl with dark skin and silky hair, framing her face like a crown.
“Got him!” Sirius called out. The group stopped talking, turning to wave over Remus and Sirius. They crossed the flowerbeds quickly, taking little care to avoid the pale bulbs sprouting from the ground as they sat down.
“Remus,” Lily said kindly, “this is Mary - hopefully she won’t interrogate you too much, she’s already mad I only told Marlene about our summers,” she grimaced, waving her hand at the dark-skinned girl, who smiled sweetly at Remus.
“Damn right I am. I mean, what makes me less trustworthy than Marlene?” Mary complained, Marlene swatting her head in response before shooting Remus a quick and friendly hello. “Nice to meet you anyway, Remus. I’ll get all the details out of you later,” she wiggled her eyebrows suggestively, forcing a laugh out of Remus.
“Yeah, yeah, sure,” Remus agreed, smiling to himself. James clapped a hand on the shoulder of the short boy sitting across from him, who seemed as if he would have been a little too timid to introduce himself if not for James’ encouragement.
“I’m Peter. Your, um, roommate. I saw you this morning, sleeping, I think,” he said, reddening.
“Oh. Good first impression, hey? I don’t think I saw you - I was trying to sleep. Bed was pretty comfy,” he said, purposefully avoiding Sirius’ gaze, but feeling him tense from beside him. “Hey, did they notice I missed the first period?” He asked, screwing up his face. Peter, looking a little more at ease, laughed.
“Dunno. I reckon McGonagall’s going to chase it up, you being new and all…”
As if on cue, Remus felt a shadow looming behind him, casting darkness over his and Peter’s figures.
“Mr Lupin. I hope you enjoyed your sleep-in. If you could follow me now, please,” Professor McGonagall’s voice ordered from behind him. Shoulders slumping slightly, Remus stood, calling a quick goodbye to the group over his shoulder as he followed Mcgonagall’s retreating footsteps towards the castle.
“Speak of the devil,” Sirius muttered.
As he walked, he heard the faint echoes of conversation behind him. Mainly Sirius, hissing at Peter for not realising Remus had been in his bed, followed by James defending the poor boy, critiquing Sirius’, quote, “shitty mood” since Remus had arrived. Remus didn’t know what he had done to get Sirius offside within the span of less than three hours (except for maybe accidentally sleeping in his bed and insulting him numerous times, but it really wasn’t that deep), and decided that he most definitely liked Regulus better.
Regulus. He hadn’t seen him since their discreet exchanges of eye contact in the Great Hall which, admittedly, was only the previous night, but he wanted to talk to him again. Ask him how to tolerate his roommate, how to get along with one of Lily’s closest friends (still, he was unsure why she chose to tolerate him at all). He would have to make some sort of effort - Lily did so with Sean and Theo, after all, and he couldn’t not return the favour due to personal… distaste.
Cordial. That’s all he had to be. Nice. Surface level acquaintances - never would they need to cross the line of friendship so clearly drawn in the sand, lined with barbed wire.
Remus wasn’t going to risk it. He would stay at a distance from the boy, bide his time until he could get back to his family, until he could go home.
_____________________________________________
“Please, take a seat,” McGonagall offered, voice firm. Feeling awkward, Remus sat down on a wiry chair on the other side of her desk, its frame digging into his skin as he leaned into it. In a way, the chair was a reflection of the room itself - all sharp edges and shined surfaces,
bland and undecorated save for a collection of ceramic cats on a windowsill and a framed picture on her desk of McGonagall and a brunette woman, hand in hand. In the photo, the professor was watching the other woman, her eyes sparkling and mouth turned up at the corners. Remus hoped this was the version of McGonagall he would be talking to today, but one look at her stone-hard expression quashed his hope.
Remus opened his mouth to speak, hoping to somehow ease the tension strung throughout the office air, but McGonagall held up a hand, eyes boring forcefully into his. “First, I do not believe we were properly introduced last night. I am Head of Gryffindor house, and Deputy Headmistress of Hogwarts Academy. As such,” she began, clasping her hands together, “I am also responsible for the punishment of my students.” She pursed her lips, tilting her head ever so slightly to the side. “How are you finding Gryffindor house, Mr. Lupin?”
“Oh, um, it’s really nice,” Remus said with uncertainty, combing through his mind for what to say next, “James is really nice, they all are. Good house, even though the tie’s a little ugly,” he rambled, internally cursing himself.
“Your opinion is valid. Perhaps more so than you believe,” she offered a rare, tight smile, sitting up straighter in her chair. “I am glad to hear you are settling in well. As for the matter at hand, I will not be punishing you, for now. However, bear in mind - I will not always be this reasonable. I understand you are in a period of adjustment, but skipping class is not acceptable, nor an escape from schoolwork. You will find your history homework in your dorm,” she informed him, and Remus’ shoulders drooped in relief. Although he didn’t really care about the school, nor this woman’s perception of him, the thought of them having to contact his parents, making him speak to Lyall or, even worse, Rebecca, brought back the sense of nausea he had felt by the phone.
“Thanks. Um, sorry for missing the period. Overslept,” Remus apologised, figuring honesty was the best place to go with a woman like Minerva McGonagall. She nodded curtly, standing from her chair and opening the door to her office.
“I will see you later in the day for geography, Remus. Enjoy your break,” she said, gesturing for him to leave. Remus inclined his head towards her in a messy thanks, ducking out of the door and walking quickly down the corridor, making his way back outside as fast as his legs could carry him without drawing unnecessary attention. He thought about strolling around the gardens for a while, looking for someone, anyone, who could tell him how to stop this. This dread, twisting through his ribs in a serpentine fashion, knotting itself to his very bones with no sign of letting go.
But Lily’s voice called out his name, sweet warmth in the cold, the rest of the group hushing as he neared, opening to let him into the circle. Inconveniently enough, the gap was between Sirius and Mary, who seemed to be engaged in a passionate argument of sorts, one he definitely didn’t want to intercept, not now, not ever.
“Remus, you have to help me out here,” Mary pleaded, pulling on his arm to sit down.
“Oh, now that’s just unfair. You know he’ll take your side over mine,” Sirius said bitterly, glaring at Mary, who groaned. Remus bristled, shuffling ever so slightly closer to Mary - no matter the argument, Sirius was going to lose, he’d make sure of it.
“No, listen. Remus, Sirius is the most judgemental person to exist, ever. You’ll see it soon enough,” she warned, Sirius laughing bitterly in response. “He’s only bitter because I saw Bowie perform over break with my parents, and he couldn’t go! He gets like this, when he’s jealous,” Mary explained, Sirius grunting in response from his other side. “So then, he goes, ‘hey Mary! You know that band you love? They’re absolutely shit-”
“Wait, wait. You saw Bowie, live?” Remus blanched, the pull of fighting with Sirius falling from the forefront of his mind, replaced with pure awe of the girl sitting beside him.
“Yup,” Mary said smugly as Sirius muttered something unintelligible under his breath. “Ha! Jealous. I swear, he gets more jealous than any other boy I’ve ever met, it’s insufferable!”
“Anyway. Changing the subject, this is boring us all,” Lily yawned, turning her attention to Remus. “What did McGonagall want?”
“Hopefully she wasn’t too harsh - she’s actually nice, really,” James assured him with a crooked smile. “Doesn’t take any bull, though.”
“Yeah, she was fine. Just said not to do it again,” Remus said, fiddling with a button on his shirt sleeve.
“Good, good. Hey, we’ve got to tell you about the time she found us out in the forest after-hours in second year, I’ve never seen her angrier…” James launched into story, animatedly waving his hands as Remus, admittedly guiltily, let his mind slip away from the conversation.
Still, he could feel a gaze on the side of his face, a small nagging feeling he wasn’t quite as inconspicuous as he had thought. He could feel the nausea building up in his stomach again, threatening to spill out of his mouth if he were to open it. He wasn’t used to this - large groups of people were usually easy for him, conversations able to be navigated with such ease he often felt he was talking perhaps a little too much, in which case he could simply lift a cigarette to his lips and inhale the smoke until he felt needed to speak again. He liked to talk, to listen, but he just couldn't. Not here.
He needed to leave. He just had to figure out how.