chapter one
The wall was blank. Well, almost - a singular ant crawled its way along the plaster, a black spot against the snow white expanse, trailing a reddish stain in its wake. It was almost comical, in a way. An intruder, so small yet so starkly different to the normal, the colour the wall had been. Leaving its mark, devastatingly nonchalant.
Even still, it was just an ant.
A small entity, devoid of the ability to change one’s life, unable to pull a stitch in normalcy and leave a thread lying limply on the ground, severed from the source and never to be rejoined.
It really was only an ant.
Placing his feet on the hardwood floors tentatively, Remus stood. He had always been tall for his age, an overgrown boy with limbs too long for his thin frame. Alas, a single stride allowed him to cross his bedroom and throw a fist at the wall, smashing the ant beneath his skin. Looking down at his hand, Remus smiled to himself. Pieces of ant dotted his skin, freckles that stirred something unnamed in his stomach. If only he had the power to completely destroy a life the way he had destroyed the ant’s, the way the ant had destroyed his. It was all full circle, really. And ok, perhaps the ant hadn’t stolen his mother’s place in bed, hadn’t taken his father’s broken pieces and attempted to mend them with its taloned hands, hadn’t pushed forward the idea of them moving to fucking London, of all places, and-
“Remus! Remus, come down, please! We have news!” A shrill voice cut through the air.
And maybe the ant’s voice didn’t source migraines, but oh, well.
“One minute!” Remus yelled back. As he made his way downstairs, dread began to pool in his stomach, coiling like a serpent he knew would taint his next words, no matter how hard he feigned otherwise. After all, he wasn’t an idiot - he had seen the roses lining the cobblestone path of their new London ‘home’, had tried (rather unsuccessfully, to his dismay) to steal the velvet box in his father’s nightstand the previous night. So, as he rounded the corner to the lounge, Remus thought he was prepared.
“Remus, we’re engaged!” Rebecca squealed, hurrying forwards to wrap her arms around the boy.
“Oh, joy,” Remus replied snarkily, trying to round his words. Behind Rebecca, standing smugly in a pressed suit, stood Lyall Lupin. Hands in his pockets, a small smile dancing on his face. What a darling, they’d say! A romantic, for sure! Rebecca’s ring sparkled against the sun, a large rock undoubtedly bought with their new, joined bank account, nothing like the simple design of his mother’s, silver that entangled her finger like ivy. Its cool surface pressed against his chest, hanging from a chain of the same colour, where it had remained ever since September 6th, two years earlier.
“You should have seen it, Remus, it was beautiful. Your father had laid out a picnic for us, and bought roses - he just knows I adore the white ones - and then, just as I had turned back around from pouring champagne, he got down on one knee, and god, what was it you said again, Lyall? It was gorgeous, it really was. Something about piercing the soul. Do you remember, Lyall?”
“He stole your proposal from Persuasion? Are you actually fucking me?” Remus scoffed, Rebecca’s smile faltering as Lyall’s expression morphed from smug to disgruntled.
“She loves the book. We-”
“No, we watched the ballet, Lyall! I loved it, remember?”
“That would have been Pride and Prejudice,” Remus offered, bumping his shoulder against a marble column (a marble column, for fuck’s sake) and crossing his arms, a smirk forming on his face.
“Even still, it really was lovely! The wedding will have to be soon, of course, but we have to consider your new-” Rebecca’s smile faltered, tongue darting out to nervously lick her lips before continuing, “-life, here! Maybe we can do something together tomorrow, Remus! I-”
“No, backtrack, now. New what?”
“It’s really nothing, Remus, not a conversation for now-”
“Cut the bullshit.”
“Remus! You’re not even 14 years old!”
“And somehow, I’m still smarter than you! You owe me this. Sit down.”
And suddenly, they’re all seated, Remus expectantly perched on a patent leather couch with his hands clasped in front of him, Rebecca and Lyall squashed together on a pearl coloured armchair, worry clouding their eyes. A beat of silence. And then another. Remus shifted on his seat, a crackling sound bubbling into the silence, somehow encouraging Rebecca to reach for his hand. Remus snatched it away, folding his arms into his chest. Turning to look at her fiancé, Rebecca sighed deeply.
“We understand the move has been hard on you, Remus-”
“Jesus fuck, don’t start with this again.”
“Watch the way you speak to her.” Lyall hissed, beginning to stand.
“It’s fine, Lyall. I understand,” Rebecca said empathetically, furrowing her brows until they appeared to be two thin caterpillars, chasing one another across her forehead, never quite meeting. It was quite funny, really, and Remus was about to point it out when Rebecca spat out her next two words.
“Boarding school. We think it would be-” Remus erupted into laughter, a grin spreading across his face. Okay, maybe Rebecca wasn’t horrible, but where had she been hiding this sense of humour?
“Ok, listen,” Remus choked, unable to wipe the smile from his face,”that was funny, I’ll give you credit for it. If you’re pregnant, get it over with. Say it, I don’t care. Just… don’t pull that boarding school shit on me again.”
Exchanging glances of confusion, Lyall and Rebecca took one another’s hands. Again, Rebecca exhaled, causing the hairs on the back of Remus’ neck to stand up, his body and mind somehow agitated by this woman’s very existence.
“Remus,” Lyall began softly, “boarding school is a place full of opportunity. There’s plenty of space for you to have solitude, to write, to flourish and to get away from London. I know you don’t like it here, so maybe this could be a solution. A way to make friends, too-”
“I had friends, you know,” Remus interjected, his voice distinctly smaller. Summer by the lakeside, swinging off of ropes next to a boy with straw coloured hair, flushed cheeks and mud and water streaking his skin. Running from store to store, stealing bags of lollies and fighting for breath alongside a boy with deep skin and hair, a smile so blinding it sometimes hurt to look at. And, finally, lying beside a scarlet-haired girl with freckles dotting her skin like constellations, reading books as she scrunched her nose in concentration on the rare summers she visited his hometown.
“I know. I know, but this is a place you don’t have to completely restart. New people move to boarding schools all the time!”
Inhaling, Remus picked up an encyclopaedia from the coffee table separating him, Rebecca and Lyall, and launched it at his father’s head, before sprinting to his room, slamming the door shut as loud as his scrawny arms could bear.
Remus threw himself down upon his bed, burying his face into his pillow. As salt water stained the deep navy of his pillowcase, out of the corner of his eye, Remus could still see the remains of the ant against his wall, twitching in his imagination.