The Incredible Hulk
Fluffy baby animals were cute. It was a universally accepted fact. Anybody who said otherwise was either a heartless robot or an entity of absolute evil. Bruce Banner, sometimes the Incredibly Angry Hulk, didn’t think himself evil. As such, the clumsy little puppy tripping on its own ears at his feet was adorable. His temper at being interrupted in the middle of meditations was rapidly fading as he continued to watch the puppy yip happily around the floor.
“So how is this part of your ‘evil scheme’ again?” he asked, distracted by the way the puppy snuggled against his leg.
“You are an intelligent being, Bruce Banner,” Loki drawled as he stroked a fluff of fur in his arms. “Do not give me reason to reconsider you as such by asking stupid questions. Now, Fury is due for a kitten, and my brother a bunny. I have no more time to waste with you.”
In a sweeping flourish of emerald tinted smoke, Loki disappeared, leaving Banner alone in his kitchen with only a hyper puppy for company. He didn’t move for several minutes since he wasn’t sure what he should even begin to do. His home, and lifestyle, wasn’t prepared to handle something as high maintenance as a puppy. The responsible thing to do would be to find a shelter for the puppy, and then continue with his meditations. But dammit all, the puppy was really, really cute.
Against his better judgment, Banner leaned over and patted it on the head. The fur was soft, and its ears were like floppy pieces of velvet. It was very soothing. He hesitantly picked it up, holding it at eye level. It licked him on the nose. Before he knew it, Banner was cooing and making smooching faces at the puppy. It let out a few more excited yips and he immediately felt something warm and wet hit his shirt.
Breathing heavily in through his nose and out of his mouth, Banner slowly set the puppy on the floor and took a step back. The temper he worked so hard to keep at bay slowly crept to the forefront of his mind as the smell and feel of pee on his shirt reminded him why a puppy was a bad idea. The Hulk was uncontrollable, capable of untold amounts of damage. The Hulk was also not evil and didn’t kick puppies. The Hulk was in a conundrum. Banner dropped his head onto the counter instead.
His phone suddenly went off. The ring tone told him it was Stark. He really didn’t need to be goaded on today, but he also couldn’t, in good conscience, ignore the call. There could be untold evil rampaging through the city even as he slowly answered the phone.
“Fury has a kitten,” Stark said in greeting.
“Yeah, Loki said he was going to do that,” Banner replied, his anger sapped by his emotional frustration with a puppy. “Does he like the kitten, or did he throw it out the window?”
“He named it Rage,” he answered with a snort. “Seriously, you should see this. It’s the cutest little tabby. No, wait. I’ll send you a picture.”
Banner didn’t want to have a picture of Fury with a kitten on his phone, but before he could tell Stark as much, his phone beeped and said he had a new picture message. Frowning to himself and telling himself to ignore it, Banner opened the picture. He had to bite his lip to keep from laughing. It would do nobody any good if Stark heard him laughing. It was unanimously agreed to encourage Stark as little as possible.
“Isn’t that priceless?” Stark asked.
“He’s not very…menacing,” Banner observed. “He knows that, right?”
“Yeah, which is the best part. He can’t do anything about it,” Stark snickered.
Staring at the picture again, Banner idly rubbed the puppy’s stomach with his foot. Fury was sitting at his desk, giving Stark his usual disapproving glare, the only difference being the orange kitten perched on his shoulder. It appeared to have been nuzzling the side of his face.
“Loki is trying to annoy us,” Banner mused softly.
“No, really?” Stark said. “Though I guess it’s true. I mean, I didn’t get a cute baby animal. Did you get a cute baby animal?”
Banner paused his tummy rubbing, but quickly resumed when the puppy looked up at him with sad, soulful brown eyes.
“A puppy,” he grudgingly admitted. “And how come Fury got to name his kitten? Loki already named mine.”
It was truly horrifying and irritating to hear the whining in his voice.
“Dare I ask the name?” Stark asked excitedly.
“…Waffles,” Banner mumbled.
“…HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Stark hung up, his laughter echoing loudly through the speaker. Banner growled and chucked the phone against the wall. It startled Waffles who whined pathetically before getting up and walking towards the broken phone. Banner watched with mild curiosity and much embarrassment as Waffles scooped the phone in her mouth and dropped it dutifully at his feet, eyes staring expectantly at him.
Grumbling, Banner grabbed the phone and ruffled Waffle’s neck fur as a reward. He felt marginally bad about the broken phone, but he comforted himself knowing Stark would have to get him a new one, and really, after being zapped by a cattle prod, Banner thought he deserved a new phone anyways.
Setting the pieces on the counter, Banner began the arduous task of figuring out what he would need in order to care for a puppy. It took far too much time changing clothes, then trolling the internet and message boards about pet care, only to receive contradictory information. Fed up with getting nowhere, Banner angrily shut off his computer and stomped around, collecting his shoes and keys, carefully minding the nosy puppy circling his feet.
“We’re going for a ride, Waffles,” he said.
Waffles yipped in approval, and practically jumped into Banner’s arms. Of course, he had to bend over if he didn’t want her to hit his knees and fall to the floor.
When he arrived at the nearest pet store, Banner had to prowl through the parking lot, everybody suddenly visiting the pet store. A little old lady cut him off from a parking space he had been patiently waiting for. Banner really wanted to give her a piece of his mind; old age wasn’t an excuse for rudeness after all, but Waffles whined, derailing his thoughts from ‘accidental’ homicide. Reciting his breathing exercises, he finally found a parking space that wasn’t clear on the other side. He grabbed Waffles, fairly confident she wouldn’t pee on him again, and braced himself for the chaos waiting for him on the other side of the doors.
Sounds of barks, meows, chirps, and who knew what else greeted Banner’s ears, causing his blood pressure to rise. Everywhere he looked there was somebody with a baby animal and an impressive scowl on their face. There wasn’t a single person who didn’t look vaguely angry, but also protective of the pet in their arms. The store shelves were also beginning to look a bit bare. Pet store owners across the city must be extremely happy today.
“Can you believe it? Baby animals are showing up all around the world!’
Banner couldn’t help but overhear the chatter. Apparently pet supply stores were rejoicing around the world.
“Excuse me, Mister Banner and Waffles?” a female voice asked.
A young store clerk tapped him on the shoulder unobtrusively, drawing his attention away from a pair of kitten owners arguing over the last pink diamond collar.
“I was informed you might need some help,” she offered.
While he didn’t want to be suspicious of a young girl most likely working part time through college, but Banner couldn’t help it. Loki had been involved, and why was he being singled out when there were crowds of people. However, he had no idea where to start, so he might as well accept the help.
“Thanks…I think,” he said.
The clerk smiled sweetly and motioned for Banner to follow. She led him to the store’s back corner, which was packed with various pet items. Banner arched an eyebrow at the pile. The clerk continued to smile as she picked up a leash.
“You’ll want to use this kind of leash until she’s trained,” she explained. “If you want to later, you can switch to an adjustable leash.”
Banner felt his shoulders sag. She continued to explain the merits of different leashes. If there was that much information on a single leash, he was in for a long day. Waffles licked his hand, wiggling in his arms until the clerk held her arms out. With a clumsy leap, Waffles landed in her arms with a happy yip. Banner should have been happy, and offered the clerk to keep Waffles, but as he tucked his hands into his pockets, he felt oddly bereft without Waffles’ warmth against his body. It was why he didn’t offer anything except his ear.
As the clerk methodically explained her way through the pet items, Waffles began to droop, ultimately flopping into the clerk’s arms. She never stopped speaking, even when she dropped the puppy back in Banner’s outstretched arms.
“Excuse me, where do you keep the rabbit food?”
The booming voice interrupted Banner’s totally-not-cuddling cuddling, jerking both him and the clerk in surprise.
“Thor?” Banner said, his eyes drawn to the light brown ball of fur tucked safely in the crook of Thor’s arm.
“Ah, Bruce banner! I see my brother has gifted you with a companion as well,” Thor laughed.
The noise piqued Waffles’ interest, who lifted her head, then barked excitedly when she noticed Thor.
“Wow, she really seems to like you,” Banner observed.
But Thor wasn’t listening. Instead, he was staring intently at Waffles, sparing quick sideway glances at the clerk. Suddenly, Thor smiled a brilliant flash of pearly whites that made women swoon and Loki gag. Speaking of gagging, the clerk was making a face as if something distasteful was in her mouth.
“Say nothing, Thor,” she warned, crossing her arms defensively. “And the rabbit food is in aisle seven. Now leave…and be sure to not over feed him.”
In true Thor fashion, Thor completely ignored the clerk, slapping her on the back in what was sure a painfully friendly way. He scratched Waffles behind the ears, eliciting a happy whine from her.
“Tell me Bruce Banner, how fares Waffles?”
Banner stared dumbfounded between the clerk and Thor, his mind quickly putting the pieces together.
“She’s good,’ he answered distractedly. “How’s your, uh, bunny?
With more care than he had the tendency to use, Thor gently held the fur ball in his hands.
“This is Kanin,” he said proudly. “His floppy ears are an aesthetically pleasing trait, is it not?”
Kanin’s little pink noise twitched, whiskers swaying back and forth. He licked his paws and ran them over his face. Banner manfully bit back his instinct to coo.
“Kanin. Really, Thor?” the clerk said, voice dripping with resigned disbelief. “You named your rabbit, ‘Rabbit’?”
Thor drew Kanin to his chest, something akin to offense on his face.
“Kanin is a fine name. Besides, there are few in this city who would know such a thing,” he defended. “Do not listen to his lies, Kanin. Your name has no match. It is well suited to one of your station.”
“Loki?” Banner asked hesitantly.
“What? I’ll get back to you after my brother leaves,” he said, flipping his brown ponytail off his shoulder. “And fine, Thor, Kanin is a great name. Now leave me to my sinister workings.”
It really was worrying how easily Thor was appeased when it came to his brother. Banner shook his head, and simply waited. Loki would get back to business soon enough, though why he didn’t just tell Banner these things as himself, he didn’t know, but he had his suspicions after watching how Thor was able to identify Loki and Waffles.
“As you wish, Brother,” Thor acquiesced with a tilt of his head. He glanced at Banner. “Take care of Waffles. She matters greatly to Loki.”
With his stupid, happy grin, Thor strolled away to aisle seven, leaving Store Clerk Loki casting various death glares at Thor’s back.
“My apologies,” Loki said distractedly. “I will leave you with the written instructions. Others are in need of my attention.”
He still retained the appearance of the young store clerk, but now he moved with a superior grace unique to Loki. Before he left, however, he reached out, hesitating a fraction of a moment, then finally settling on stroking the soft bur between Waffles eyes. Her tongue lolled out of her mouth as she snuggled contentedly in Banner’s arms.
“Don’t worry. I’ll take good care of her,” Banner assured him, even though he didn’t know why he was in the first place. “Though I still don’t’ know how this is all evil.”
Loki nodded his head once as eh plastered an infectiously happy smile one would expect from an outgoing young woman.
“Silly, you’ll just have to wait and see.”
Store Clerk Loki flounced off to help another customer, or pester Thor. Banner thought both were highly probably. He glanced down at Waffles and felt himself smile, despite the work it was going to take to set everything up. There was no possible way a cute puppy could be a part of an evil plan.
Of course, Banner was eating his words when a month later, Doom began attacking another city. The size of the machine required the Hulk’s considerable girth and power. Unfortunately, he was finding it increasingly difficult to find the anger necessary to change. Every time he was close, he could only think of Waffles and her disapproving gaze whenever he lost his temper. The only plus side to Banner’s distraction was the fact that everybody else was generally distracted as well. Doom’s machine of destruction wasn’t as aggressive, or ominous, as they were just a month ago.
“So is somebody going to tell me what’s going on?” Stark asked to anybody who would listen. “And where’s Thor? Shouldn’t he be here by now?”
As if on cue, Thor appeared in a flash of lightening, dropping down to Banner’s side.
“My apologies, friends,” he said genuinely repentant. “I would have arrived sooner, but Kanin was not feeling well.”
The other Avengers rolled their eyes, well aware of how distracted everybody was. The world at large was experiencing less conflict; people were generally piddling around with their newfound fluffy pets and not a whole lot was getting done. Fury was less severe and watched over their shoulders only once a while now, Thor was focused on his bunny, and sometimes Jane, and Banner knew he was spending less time as the Hulk. It was difficult to embrace his rage when he was filled with warm fluffy feelings. That in and of itself was frustrating to the point of anger, but once again, warm fluffy feelings won out in the end. It was a vicious cycle. So he was often left standing on the sidelines, hoping for the fight to end soon because Waffles needed her one hundred brush strokes before dinner, dammit.
And end soon it did. Thor seemed a bit more annoyed with the situation than was warranted, but Banner wasn’t about to argue against Thor’s method of hitting the machine as hard as he could with Mjolnir. It broke surprisingly easy, and even more surprising, Doom didn’t seem to upset with it. If anything, he looked relieved. It was probably the most anticlimactic battle with Doom he had ever fought.
“Doom will return with vengeance,” he bellowed, sounding more like it was a well practiced line rather than any type of promise.
Nobody made a move to capture Doom as he escaped. They just stood and stared at his retreating figure when a strong breeze caused a scrap of paper to fly free from the confines of Doom’s cape. Hawkeye grabbed it as it floated above their heads. He started to laugh, handing the picture to Stark who also started laughing.
Banner had to admit, he was curious now. He and the others looked over Stark’s shoulder. It was a photo of Doom with a tiny Shi Tzu in a little green cape. It was really adorable.