Breathe, Just Breathe
Katie finally leans back from her death grip on Rue, and the blonde is looking at her with a concerned expression as she notes the unshed tears, the haggard look on Katie’s face, the bags under her eyes.
Ruesha brings both of her hands up to cup Katie’s cheeks gently, and the Irish winger leans into the contact, her eyes fluttering shut as she sighs softly. Ruesha stands on her tiptoes, pressing a light kiss to Katie’s forehead, leaning back as she rubs her thumb over Katie’s cheek.
The brunette is fighting desperately to keep her tears at bay, her eyes stinging harshly with the effort as she keeps them screwed shut. She finally manages to open her eyes as Ruesha drops her hands from Katie’s cheeks, slipping her hands into Katie’s and squeezing softly, three times. When Katie finally does open her eyes, Ruesha has a small smile dancing across her lips slightly, but her eyebrows are furrowed with concern, and Katie feels her shoulders relax under Rue’s watchful gaze.
“Shower?” Ruesha speaks into the silence of the kitchen, and Katie nods once, not trusting herself to speak. Ruesha drops her right hand from Katie’s left, and turns to lead her toward the bedroom in Katie’s flat.
Katie was aware of what Ruesha’s reputation was. She was a joker, the class clown of whatever group she was in. She made people laugh, and she had more humor in her pinky finger than Katie probably had in her whole body.
But the thing that most people didn’t really realize about Rue, was that along with her humor was an intense capacity to love. Especially for those special people in her life, the care that she showed them was beyond even Katie’s comprehension sometimes.
Sometimes Katie wishes that more people realized that about her. That more people could see her for the caring, compassionate, loving individual she was.
Other times, like right now, she doesn’t really mind keeping it all to herself. It makes her feel special, almost like she’s got access to this top secret information that nobody else does. Rue tended to keep this part of herself away from the public, didn’t let many outside of Katie see the softness in her.
But Ruesha just somehow has always had a distinct ability to see Katie. Like, really see her, in a way that others couldn’t. All it took the blonde was one look at the brunette to know what she was thinking, and it had only gotten more accurate and intuitive after the six years that they had been together.
Like right now, when Ruesha doesn’t say a word, but she doesn’t need to. The love she has for Katie is shown in her actions. The way that she sets the water temperature to be scaldingly hot even though she hates showers that hot, just because that's the way Katie likes them. The way she searches through Katie’s linen closet to find the fluffiest towel for her. The way she looks at Katie, a delicate balance of empathy and compassion in her silent gaze.
The way that she helps Katie out of her shirt, then her pants, letting the brunette finish undressing herself. She doesn’t joke, she doesn’t even speak, but they don’t need to. She just lets Katie be. She runs her hand down Katie’s spine, the warmth from her hand blooming across the wingers back. The Scottish woman leans forward to press her lips to the back of Katie’s shoulder, resting her forehead against Katie’s back for a moment before she quickly strips. The brunette is left standing in the bathroom, watching Rue silently in an effort to distract herself from the reality of what this day has entailed.
Ruesha checks the temperature of the water quickly before stepping in, pulling Katie in after her with little preamble. The brunette is grateful to not have to do anything, to just let Rue move her around like a rag doll practically.
Ruesha immediately sets the winger up under the spray of water, letting the hot water run over Katie’s shoulders and down her back. The brunette lets out a sigh of relief she didn’t even realize she had been holding in. Ruesha grabs the body wash that Katie uses, squeezing some of it out onto her hand.
The striker is gentle as she rubs her hand over Katie’s body, silent but tender in her path to get Katie clean. She works first on her arms, then down over the plane of her shoulders and back, down over the solid muscles of her abdomen. It’s a well practiced dance, perfectly polished after years and years of experience. The comfort of familiarity is something Katie knows not to take for granted. This might have been the hundredth time that Rue has done this, but watching her, Katie still feels like it’s the first. She still blushes under the careful, caring ministrations of the blonde even after all this time. It takes her back to the first night they slept together, when Ruesha made her slow down and really appreciate the chance to just be with another person in such an intimate way. This isn’t sex, but the principle and the intimacy is still there for Katie.
The brunette is left with nothing to do but watch Rue, and she can feel the tears building up in the back of her eyes. She’s struck by how grateful and lucky she is to have this person in her life, and how she hardly feels like she deserves it at a time like this. She feels like such a mess, so all over the place and stressed that this level of care feels foreign and undeserved.
Ruesha has just finished maneuvering Katie to rinse off her shoulder when the winger finally speaks, works up the courage to actually open her mouth.
“Rue?” Katie whispers, her voice cracking over the simple and short word. But Ruesha is looking at her in an instant, concern painted over her face. She had been waiting for this, and she softens slightly when she sees Katie’s expression, and wordlessly pulls the brunette into another hug. She’s known Katie long enough to know when she needs one.
And finally, Katie feels herself let go.
All of the sadness.
All of the exhaustion.
All of the tension.
All of the worry.
All of the anger.
Everything.
She sobs against Ruesha’s shoulder for what feels like hours, but is probably only minutes. It feels like forever, but Rue is as solid and as constant as she’s ever been. And she just stands there, letting Katie sob into her shoulder, rubbing up and down her back slowly.
And Katie just leans into it, lets herself melt into the comfort that Rue readily offers. In a safe space, she lets herself fall apart, letting herself feel all of the raw emotions she’s been trying so desperately to hold back.
After a few minutes, Ruesha leans back, bringing her hands up to swipe at the tears under Katie’s eyes. Katie sniffles loudly, and she knows that she is the exact opposite of attractive right now, but Rue is looking at her with such soft, kind, loving eyes that she can’t help but melt under the concerned but affectionate gaze of her girlfriend.
Her chest somehow feels ten pounds lighter, like she opened up the spout and let all of the emotions overflow, up and out of her system.
Ruesha helps Katie to finish showering before she turns the water off and tells Katie to wait one minute. She quickly grabs the towel from the folded pile she had made on the floor, wrapping it around Katie and guiding her out of the shower.
Katie dries herself off while Ruesha does the same, hanging their towels up to dry before walking back into the bedroom. Ruesha walks over to her suitcase, pulling out two shirts and two pairs of sweatpants, handing one of each to Katie.
The brunette is struck again by how well Rue knows her, how simple this is. Ruesha knew that Katie loved wearing her clothes, even if she had never said it out loud. The blonde wasn’t a huge sharer, and it only seemed to be in the moments that she needed it most that the blonde happily handed over her clothes for Katie to wear.
There were times when this hadn’t always been simple, or easy, but through it all Katie always knew that Rue was it for her. Whatever argument they had, or whatever different direction they felt they were going, it had never not been worth it to Katie to work it out.
Because this, their careers, football, it was all temporary. It was such a high, and such a privilege, but at the end of the day their time in that world, that career was limited.
But this? This right here, as Ruesha looks her over and she looks back at Rue, she knows that this is forever.
“Viv tore something. Her ACL, probably,” Katie finally says, after her and Ruesha just look at each other for a moment. The blonde cringes, her heart hurting for the Arsenal striker.
“And…just kinda felt like the icing on top of the cake. First Beth, now Viv, all against this impossible and jam packed schedule, and just trying to be the best and do it all, and the pressure for the World Cup next year. It’s all just…it feels like too much.” When she opens her mouth, Katie just can’t seem to stop the words that flow out of it, but Ruesha listens patiently. When Katie moves, sitting on the end of the bed, Rue follows her, sitting right next to her.
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to do it all, Rue. Sometimes it’s just too much…it feels like too much,” Katie whispered, trying her hardest not to cry. Her hands were on her thighs, her nails digging into the soft material of Rue’s sweatpants.
But the blonde just places one of her hands over Katie’s, slipping her fingers between the brunettes and pulling her hand away from her thigh.
“I can only imagine the pressure you’re under,” Ruesha starts slowly, thinking about every word before she speaks them out into the empty space between them.
“But I think that the only thing that you can do is take things one day at a time. Focus on what you have, and where you can realistically go. You’ll drive yourself into the ground with what ifs,” Ruesha finishes softly, and Katie closes her eyes, letting the words that Ruesha was saying wash over her.
She nodded slowly, swallowing thickly.
“You can only be as much as you are, Kates. You can’t ask yourself more than that,” Ruesha reminded gently, and Katie nodded, more firmly.
“You’re right,” Katie says quietly but securely, letting Ruesha’s words wash over her. It wasn’t a lot, not a long, hashed out conversation. But they have all the time in the world for that kind of conversation, when they’re both level headed and not in the emotional headspace that Katie is in right now. That, and the fact that it’s practically the middle of the night. She looks up, turning so that her gaze meets Rue. “What would I do without you?”
“Well you probably wouldn’t laugh half as much,” Rue theorizes easily, and Katie shoves her shoulder playfully, letting out a wet laugh that eases the tension of the moment.
“You know I really love you, right?” Katie whispers, so quietly that Ruesha would hardly be able to hear her if the room were any louder.
“I know, and I love you too. And I’m always gonna be here to support you and love you, however you need. Promise me something, though?” Ruesha asked, her eyebrows creased. Katie looks at her with an open face, nodding in response.
“Next time you’re feeling like this, call me? Or text me? I hate seeing you so overwhelmed and drained when I didn’t really have any idea of the scope of it,” Ruesha finishes, a small smile on her face, and Katie nods more firmly.
“Promise,” she confirms, pressing her shoulder against Rue’s.
“Come on, let’s get you to bed. You’re probably exhausted,” Rue says, and Katie stands, slipping under the cover with Rue.
They slip their arms around one another, pulling their bodies flush together.
It always made Katie laugh when their friends asked who the big and little spoon are. Because most nights, when they slept, it was wrapped in each other's arms, facing one another. Katie slept with her head on Rue’s sternum, with the blonde’s chin on her head, same as that first night that they slept together.
It had always been like this, and it was what worked with them. Katie’s favorite thing to fall asleep to was the slow beating of Ruesha’s heart under her ear.
There was something about being here, wrapped up with the blonde, that felt like a balm meant to ease the soul. Ruesha’s skin was soft, brushing against her own. The striker radiated warmth, and Katie burrowed into it with reckless abandon, warm from the top of her head down to her toes. Ruesha smelled like bergamot and peonies and sandalwood, her own scent mixed with the scent of Katie’s body wash.
And for the first time in the past few weeks, Katie was reminded of the way that she was wholeheartedly supported, and loved.
And for her, it was enough.
Ruesha would always be enough.