I'll face my fear of the sunrise
When I wake up with your hand inside mine
Eyelids fluttering closed to the fingertips tracing her jaw, her heart quickened as gentle kisses pressed to the bruises strategically made to remain unseen along her collarbone. Maroon-colored lips parted to release a heavy sigh as goosebumps erupted atop her bronze skin.
"Go to sleep, Schätz," the woman responsible for the marks said with a German accent.
Brown eyes reopened, a whine of protest emitting from her throat. "I'm not tired yet."
It was a lie to keep her close. Not ready for sleep to wash away the exhaustion, she fought with the heaviness behind her eyelids. Unready to give up the bliss of their bare skin pressed together within her bedsheets, she ran her fingers through the other woman's dark hair and smiled at the satisfied huff falling from her lips.
"You're a terrible liar."
"Just a little longer," she begged with a hue of pink tinting her cheeks. How could she be so needy? "Stay until I fall asleep."
Already planning on doing so, the other nodded. A small negotiation to show she cared. "Of course."
The routine they had created. Only able to love her in private, yet longing for more. She neglected the need for sleep and faced the consequences of fatigue the next day. It was worth it to have her in her arms. She craved the breath on her neck and the tender touches. An addiction the other had enabled. How she whispered her name, and the buzz she'd get whenever they kissed was a drug. She wished she had never had that first taste in her veins. An addict, she feared the withdrawal that would surely come when she went without. Hidden within the adoration, a part of her despised the woman for allowing her to become desperate.
"I love you," she said. With the inner fight to stay awake waning, she closed her eyes.
"I love you, too, Liebling. Good night."
The arm around her torso tightened, and she sighed. Good night. She loathed those two words. It was another part of the routine. A way of telling her to stop talking and to go to bed so she could sneak away. Her way of saying goodbye. The part she hated most. Unable to stay because of the risk of getting caught, waiting for her to fall asleep before slipping her arms away, the other woman would ease the guilt with a quiet apology and press one last kiss to her forehead. Looking both ways before carefully leaving, she’d leave her to wake up alone.
Despite the hesitation- and although rare- she would stay. The risk was willing to take, disrupting the routine to silence doubts about their motives. She pushed away the fear of someone noticing to prove she meant more than a lust-driven secret hidden in the dark. Stirring in her sleep at wet kisses peppering her face and blinded by the morning sun as she opened her eyes, she'd find the reassurance. With their hands wrapped together as they remained tangled within sheets, she knew she was in too deep. The simplest of gestures would cause her heart to flutter. Everything she ever wanted, creating the desire for more and teasing her with a glimpse of what a perfect world with her would look like. Alas, the moment was bittersweet.
"Raze?" the other woman asked.
"Killjoy?" She answered.
Killjoy gave her a weak smile. "I know you just woke up, but I have to leave. I have a meeting with Brimstone, and if I'm late one more time—"
With disappointment tightening her chest, she interrupted the rambling with a press of their lips. She returned the smile as they pulled away. "It's fine, meu Amor. Good morning."
"I'm sorry. I'll see you later, Ja?"
Good morning is always followed with goodbye. Happiness was cut short with an excuse. She didn't want to know if it was a lie or not. It was a reminder that their relationship would only remain within the secrecy of four walls. Although let down, she understood. She pretended they were nothing more than friends during the day for the fingertips that would graze every inch of each other's bodies during the late hours. Tiptoeing and secrets, to hear her name spoken in a hushed gasp. The routine. Forced to pretend she wasn't in love with her.
How could someone depend on another? Listening to the heart beating within the chest she rested her head on- it became harder to stay awake. Her eyes closed to the fingers dragging along her spine and the woman's voice talking about building a new robot- it was the source of melatonin she became contingent on. While always being the first to fall asleep, she feared this was one-sided. Scared of needing her more, she told herself not to get used to it. She never meant to get attached, yet selfishly, she did anyway. The more it continued, the more she feared the cold nights if she were to leave. While knowing the other would be just fine alone, she would have no one else to blame but herself for not being able to sleep without her. Regardless of yearning for the assurance of being loved, she would never ask.
Like the other woman could sense the inner turmoil, she pressed a kiss to her forehead before saying, "Good night, Liebling."
With a hum in response, she fell asleep clinging to her.
She didn't need to ask because she'd receive the answer in other ways. Whether it was the thumbs wiping away the tears that rolled down red cheeks on tough days or the looping of their pinkies while walking among side each other. The love was blatant through cracking bad jokes and meaningful gazes while laughing with their friends. It was clear when she woke up in the middle of the night with the arms that held her as she fell asleep still there. Taking up most of the bed with knotted hair cascading across the pillowcase and quiet snores falling from slightly parted lips, she couldn't help but smile at the sight. Inhaling the faint scent of coconut as she snuggled closer, she wished she could experience it every night. The fear of lonely, cold nights would be a problem she'd deal with in the future if forced to.
"Good morning, Kj," she said with a yawn as she collapsed into the chair beside the German woman after finding her eating breakfast the next morning. Looking into glasses-covered hazel eyes, she smiled at the features lighting up in her presence.
"Finally, you're awake. You sleep for so long," Killjoy teased with a roll of her eyes.
She shrugged while stealing a slice of toast from the other's tray. "Sorry, gata. It's just so easy."
"I go to sleep after you, yet somehow always wake up before you. I don't know how that's even possible. Your dreams must be good to keep you away from me."
Unable to be heard over the loud chatter within the mess hall, it disguised the words as friendly banter. Not so innocent- and hidden under the table from wandering eyes- was the hand placed on her inner thigh. Fighting back the urge to ruin the plum-colored lipstick on the German's full lips, she pretended not to notice.
"Only the best."
"Oh yeah?" The other woman smirked, grabbing the tray as she stood up. "You should tell me about them while you help me with something in the lab. I'll tell you about mine, too."