Closure
“Any particular reason that you’re ghosting me? Is it a bit of revenge? Giving me a taste of my own medicine?” he asked with a raised brow.
Olivia rolled her eyes, “Is that a serious question? Oh, I’m sorry. You think that every choice I make somehow has to revolve around you. I’m really not in the mood for this Elliott.”
He put his hand against the door jamb before she could close it. “Well, make time! Let’s finally get some closure with all of this weird energy between us.”
Olivia scoffed, “Weird energy? Once again, everything is one-sided with you.”
“Dammit Liv, will you talk to me?”
Olivia raised her voice, “About what!? I’ve told you once before that you have yet to reciprocate any of the support I gave you since you waltzed back into my life. I told you about some of the things that happened and you still haven’t tried to offer me any moral support! I get that you lost Kathy but I lost someone that I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with! I am a widow too Elliott! If you’d stop making this ‘friendship’ all about you, then you’d know some of these things. For over a decade, you’ve always gotten your way. You used to make me feel bad for going out and having dates. I don’t understand why in the hell you cared so much, being as though you were a married man. It’s not even remotely fair that you dangled the possibility of a relationship in my face for so long. I shouldn’t have gotten wrapped up in it but you had no right being that selfish. You wanted to have both me and Kathy. I was dumb enough to let you make me become emotionally co-dependent on you. El, my husband died exactly 2 months after you left SVU. You have just become a widower; I’ve been one for 10 years and everyday still hurts like hell. Elliott I have been through so much. Dominic died, I miscarried the day that I got the news, my maternal grandfather (that I’d recently just met) died, I was kidnapped and tortured by a sociopath, I contemplated suicide so that I could escape the trauma, I had severe PTSD, I adopted a baby that I rescued on a case, I took over as command for the unit, I had a cancer scare, I got shot, and I just found out that my ex-fiance is a rapist. At what point, since you’ve been back, have you asked me if I needed support with anything that I’ve been dealing with? You don’t get to demand that I give you an explanation for anything!! So, I’ll be clear with you so that you can get your clarity and closure Elliott. I don’t want to be in a relationship with you because I cannot handle competing with Kathy’s ghost. I wish you the best but this dynamic between us is just toxic.”
Elliott was dumbfounded and stunned silent. He wanted to punch himself; Fin alluded to something terrible happening with Olivia’s husband, Dominic, but he didn’t realize that it was death instead of a nasty divorce. Fin keeping his mouth shut about that, showed just how raw and open that wound still is for Olivia. Elliott tried to reach for her but she pulled away.
She wiped away her angry tears, “No. You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to try and come back to be my rock. Fin and I are what you and I used to be. Fin has held me down through some of the worst things I’ve ever gone through—without bailing on me. I know that I sound selfish right now but I don’t care. I deserve to be selfish for once. I’ve been selfless my whole life. I deserve to be able to desire for someone to check in on my mental health. I never got to grieve my husband the way I needed to because everybody depended on me. It’s extremely lonely being everyone’s anchor without a shoulder to lean on. Our friendship will never be what it was…there’s too much damage. I’ve outgrown you El and that’s okay—because I needed to in order to find me. Please, just leave. You’ve officially gotten your closure.”
Elliott slowly sulked away and Olivia slid down her closed front door and pulled her knees in close to her chest. The silent tears threatened to fall but Olivia was too stubborn to let that happen. No more crying over Elliott. She didn’t know how long she’d sat there until a knock on her door made her flinch. She slowly stood up and braced herself for Elliott being on the other side. She wasn’t prepared to open the door and see Amanda with a bag slung over her shoulder, that was bigger than her.
“Manda, what’s going on? Trouble in Carisi paradise already?”
Amanda laughed and walked past Olivia, into the apartment. “No. We’re solid.”
“So what do I owe the pleasure?” Olivia asked while folding her arms.
Amanda gave a half shrug, “It’s the anniversary of Dominic’s death right? I know that Noah is at a sleepover. I wasn’t going to let you spend this day—well night—alone.”
Olivia’s heart melted and she covered up a sniffle, “So what’s in the bag?”
“Food and things. We know that I’m not the greatest cook so, I convinced Carisi to make the meal that you guys had at your wedding—roasted lamb, parmesan risotto, and seared asparagus. I also brought the top 5 games the two of you played all the time. If none of that worked, then I have tickets to a rage room.”
Olivia let out a long sigh of relief, “I still think it’s scary that you know so much about Dom without ever meeting him.”
“Munch and Fin have big mouths.”
“I love you Amanda.”
“I love you too Liv. Now help me eat some of this food.” The silence was comfortable until Amanda asked, “What’s going on between you and Bell?”
Olivia choked on her food, “What do you mean?”
Amanda rolled her eyes, “You can’t play this little innocent thing with me. In the past month, you’ve been talking about her a lot. Whenever she texts or calls, your face lights up. Whenever you hear her name, you start to blush. Also, there’s a giant vase of flowers on the kitchen counter, with a card, that she signed. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that you have a crush on her.”
“Stop using your detective skills. You’re a professor now.”
Amanda laughed, “Stop deflecting. Are you speaking the….Vagina Monologues? Do you want to or are you dating Ayanna Bell?”