gold rush
“Morning.” Emily laughed slightly as JJ lifted her head off from the woman’s shoulder, taking on a deep shade of red in her cheeks.
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, how long was I asleep?” JJ mumbled and rubbed her hands over her face, not noticing how Emily rushed to put her phone away.
“Only a few hours, you don’t need to apologise jayje I didn’t mind.” They both smiled at this, unwilling to address the tension growing between them at Emily’s implication that she enjoyed JJ falling asleep on her, and the unusual intimacy of it all. They remained comfortable in each other’s silence for a moment, satisfied with what they currently had, yet longing for more and being too deeply afraid to ruin anything. It was amusing, really, and they both silently hoped to laugh about it someday, how they were both feeling so intensely for each other, to the point of genuine nausea, yet they were both so afraid that the other wouldn’t reciprocate these feelings, so they said nothing.
“Don’t you have to go into the office?” JJ realised, suddenly feeling a pang of guilt for keeping Emily all morning.
“Hotch has given me the week off to supervise you, I explained the situation.”
“What situation?”
“JJ, no offence but you’re not exactly emotionally, how do I phrase this, stable enough? To effectively look after yourself at the moment.”
“Wow.” The blonde let out a sharp laugh; Emily couldn’t tell if she had offended her or not and felt an urge to take it all back, before JJ continued, “coming from you, Prentiss? Miss fakes-her-own-death-and-hides-in-Paris?” Emily’s shoulders relaxed at this, her eyes wandering to a corner in the room, unable to catch the flicker of relief in JJ's eyes.
Truthfully, though she was too afraid to admit it, JJ noticed a lot more about Emily than anyone else seemed to see. She saw the way her eyes darted- only momentarily, too brief for anyone except JJ to pick up on- around a room to gauge a social cue before responding to someone, unsure of whether or not it was a serious question, or one that is supposed to be met with a joke. She picked up on the way Emily’s eyes lit up when she spoke about something she loved, and the way her hands became more expressive when she would speed up her talking. The rest of the team paid no mind to this, and simply laughed at the way Emily appeared to get lost in a train of thought, yet JJ adored it, she listened intently to Emily and was patient with her if she didn’t quite understand a joke, taking the time to explain it in a way that did not make her feel belittled. JJ never commented on how Emily would frequently repeat her outfits, commonly opting for a black turtleneck and black skinny jeans, or a loose blouse with a blazer that would become more of an accessory throughout the day rather than an article of clothing for her to wear. She had never explicitly mentioned all of these things to Emily, deciding that what she suspects must be in her file and so Hotch knows, and it’s not like it’s a problem anyway, it’s just something she lives with, and has evidently been more comfortable in embracing as of recently.
“Are you hungry?” The sudden question snapped JJ out of her thoughts.
“Uh-“ She thought back to Peter Kay, using all signs of weakness against her- hunger was one. It made her feel vulnerable, exposed. Muffling the noises of her stomach with her arms, she decided, “I’m okay, thank you though.”
Emily eyed her with a suspicious look, observing the way JJ seemed to curl slightly inwards at the question, plastering a weak smile onto her face, and decided to make a mental note to bring it up later. “Okay, let me know if you need anything, I’m going to take a shower, I won’t be long, okay?”
“Okay.” JJ felt like a burden by now, Emily couldn’t even shower without making it clear of what she is doing, or how long she will be gone, or that she’s just there if JJ needs her. Emily seemed to pick up on the solemn tone in her voice, and brushed it off for the moment.
She left the door unlocked, and took what was the fastest shower she had ever had, allowing the tension in her body to dissipate in the heat, breathing a sigh of content at the way the sudden water pressure gave her a mild break from reality. Stepping out of the glass doors, everything happened too quickly for her to register; one moment she was wrapping herself in a towel, the next she was sitting on the floor, knees to her chest and sobbing with her head in her hands, taking frantic gasps as quietly as possible. The past few days had been, to put it lightly, a lot. With JJ’s abduction, the night in the hospital, and then the previous evening, her brain had not had time to catch up with it all, causing her to break down at her only vulnerable moment.
Emily hadn’t even noticed JJ entering the bathroom, pushing the door open slowly and kneeling in front of her, taking her lifeless frame into her hands. “Em, hey, it’s me, what happened?” JJ’s voice was so soft Emily almost wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it all; Jennifer Jareau, the woman she’s been in love with for years at this point, was knelt in front of her as she sat, hyperventilating, in a towel with her hair still dripping wet.
Emily tried to speak, but no words came out, her breathing just became heavier and more painful.
“Okay, hey look at me.” JJ gently directed her face with her fingertips to meet her eyes, lowering her head slightly and allowing her features to relax themselves, becoming a safety net for Emily to fall into. “Try and breathe with me, Emily.” Emily. The way JJ spoke her name rang through her like a song, musical notes dancing around her and falling between them both, settling comfortably in the air. Eventually, Emily’s breathing slowed down to a normal rate, only halting when more tears would escape, before being brushed away by the back of JJ’s hand.
“Thank you.” Emily acknowledged. Usually, she would have been so humiliated and left immediately, breaking down again in the car, but this time she felt safe. It felt right, with JJ. It felt natural, effortless, easy. “I don’t know what happened. One minute I was fine and then, I guess everything just hit me all at once, you know?”
“I do.” JJ confessed, studying the way in which the other woman’s eyes seemed to be searching her own, moving between different parts of her face before settling on her widened pupils. “Stay here.” She held Emily’s hand as a silent promise she would be back and headed to the bedroom, searching through drawers and the cupboard to find her most comfortable pants and a jumper, subconsciously picking one that she wouldn’t mind for Emily to steal.
“Here, I guessed the clothes from yesterday would be too restricting at the moment, I hope these are okay?” JJ seemed so nervous, it was admirable.
“They’re perfect, thank you, Jayje, really.”
“Yeah.” JJ stood there a little longer, before stumbling backwards out of the bathroom, giving Emily some privacy to change. Running a shaky hand through her hair, she recalled the way Emily seemed to look at her, the sincerity in her voice that she never heard at work. She shook her head, she was being ridiculous, ‘who could possibly love me, fucked up Jennifer Jareau’, she thought to herself, and went to sit on the sofa, one leg bouncing beneath her.
“What do you think?” Emily did a playful twirl, smiling as she put her hands on her hips and gestured to the outfit.
“Hmm.. I think my clothes look better on you than they do on me, honestly.” JJ wasn’t sure how Emily would react to this, and wanted to take it back almost immediately, but Emily just laughed.
“No way, not possible.” She countered, sitting down comfortably next to JJ, legs curled beneath her, and a hand resting on JJ’s still-shaking leg.
For a moment, they basked in each other’s silence, enjoying the simple presence but both still feeling a subtle air of tension between them, unsure if the other was feeling the same.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Emily knew JJ was bound to ask at some point, and honestly she was glad she did; she didn’t have anyone else she felt comfortable expressing herself to without any fear of judgement, and she was getting tired of carrying this around with her, with no support. Of course, Hotch knew, she’d undergone mandated therapy sessions to manage her panic attacks when she first joined the bureau, but then she’d gone so long without one and so they deemed her fit for the field and ended the sessions. With this decision, she did feel some relief, being able to go into the field with the team and not having to keep on making excuses, also therapy was just so exhausting for her. But there was always a part of her that wondered who she would have become if she stayed in therapy, not as often, but just every now and then to keep her thoughts manageable. Her psychologist had explained to her that the panic attacks, which developed in childhood, were a result of her excessive masking of her autism during her teenage years; she was too afraid to be open in public, and so she put all of her energy into hiding who she was. It was only after her diagnosis and sessions with a psychologist that she allowed herself to be more expressive and genuine.
She had never had a panic attack in front of anyone on the team, except for Spencer, and even that felt embarrassing. But with JJ? She felt okay. JJ made her feel like nobody has before, like it wasn’t something to be ashamed of, like it did not define her.
“I have panic attacks, sometimes.” Emily begun, slowly. “I used to get them a lot, just before joining the BAU, so when I did join, Hotch put me in for mandated therapy sessions.” JJ relaxed a little at the thought that Emily received help, that she wasn’t going through this alone. “After a while, the panic attacks slowed down, I’m not in therapy anymore, but every now and then they come back.” Emily felt exposed, vulnerable, but the silent presence of JJ felt like a warm blanket wrapped around her, healing every wound she’d ever had inflicted on her, or created herself.
JJ said nothing, she simply moved closer and pulled Emily into her arms, not overthinking it and just deciding to do it, and it felt right. It felt different to all the times they had hugged before, the times they had cried in each others arms after a hard case, the brief and spontaneous hugs on birthdays. No, this was something else entirely. Emily inhaled deeply and held onto JJ a little tighter, not even bothering to stop the gentle tears falling from her eyes, just holding on. Emily noticed the way JJ smelt of cinnamon, her soft hair having that deeply comforting scent to it, she wanted to count every strand of JJ’s hair, taking the time to weave it through her fingers.
After some time, JJ managed to find the words she wanted to say.
"There is nothing wrong with you, Em. Nothing." Emily didn't know what had prompted JJ to say this, yet it was everything she had ever longed to hear. "I know that look." JJ's voice was gentle, and reflected the cautious manner in which she pulled out of the hug, allowing one hand to brush the dark hair away from Emily's eyes. "The panic attacks coming back don't make you weak, and they do not reflect on your ability to be a damn good agent. You are the strongest person I know."
"Says you." Emily laughed, shaking her head slightly.
"I mean it. God, Emily, the things you've been through? Nobody would think any different of you if you needed a little bit of time to yourself every now and then."
Emily smiled at this, still clutching onto the way in which JJ spoke her name, before wrapping her arms around her once more, unsure of how to communicate what she was feeling.
“JJ?” Emily spoke quietly, her voice muffled in the crook of the blonde’s neck.
“Yeah?”
She took a shaky breath and gently pulled away, still holding onto JJ’s arms. For a moment she was about to risk it all, to ask if they could talk about them and what they she felt for JJ, but at the last minute the only words that could come out of her mouth were: “Thank you, for being there.”
“Always.”