Happier
As Regulus sat in his brother’s old room, still decorated with maroon and gold he crossed Regulus’ mind for the ten thousandth time this week. He turned his attention to the wall of photos and pulled down the same one he’d looked at countless times. Her long red hair was blowing every which way in the wind as he futilely tried to prevent his doing the same but the smiles on their faces showed exactly how they were feeling despite the weather.
He closed his eyes momentarily, wishing Sirius had taken this photo with him when he’d left. When he opened his eyes again he looked around the room, it was no use, this was Regulus’ safe space but now everything just reminded him of the pain. Suddenly Regulus spotted something tucked away under some clothes, he briefly tried to convince himself not to do what his mind was telling him to but soon enough he was walking across the room, sitting down and inspecting the bottle. Sure enough, it was exactly what he'd expected, Regulus was holding a bottle of his brother’s favourite drink Regulus had never had so much as a sip but right then his pain won out, he opened the bottle and took a long drink, his mind still full of the boy with the messy black hair and dorky glasses that slipped down his nose when he laughed.
Regulus’ mind drifted to the day of the breakup, he’d finally revealed to James why his wardrobe had shifted to long sleeves so suddenly. He pulled up the sleeve on his left arm and closed his eyes ready for the backlash. When James remained silent Reg slowly opened his eyes, regretting it immediately as he saw the tears.
“Reggie… I… you realize what this does to us… Reggie I… I can’t be with you… They’ll find out and you’ll get hurt, if I stay with you you’ll get hurt… I can’t let them hurt you.” The tears kept falling from his lover’s eyes and yet despite himself Regulus’ cheeks remained dry, something he’d trained so hard for he suddenly wished he could undo. He wished James could see that this was hurting him too but his instincts had kicked in and Regulus’ body was firmly planted in survival mode, which for him meant showing no outward reaction. “Reggie…? Please, say something…”
“I know.” The only thing Regulus could express came out bluntly, there were so many more things he needed to say but his body wouldn’t let them escape. ‘I love you’, ‘I need you’, ‘I’m sorry’, ‘save me’, and most importantly ‘I’m willing to die for you.’ and yet he couldn’t say another word. He felt like he could cry for a thousand days as James stood.
“I- I see, well… I… I guess this is, goodbye Regulus… I… I wish you well…” James’ voice cracked as he spoke his final words to Reggie. “You’re still in my heart, I promise… forever.” he turned and walked away and Regulus returned to the present tears flowing freely staining the photo in his hand.
Regulus had in fact cried for what felt like a thousand days after that day, he’d even skipped out on a week of classes convincing even his closest friends he was sick. Regulus still cried some nights, especially ones like tonight, his parents were fighting again and he’d had to endure a long meeting earlier on at Bella and Rodolphus’ manor watching his cousin send suggestive looks down the table at their leader.
Regulus turned his attention back to the photo his focus shifting to the beautiful girl with her long, shiny, red hair, Lily Evans. Evans, the girl everyone thought Potter would love forever, the girl they were certain he’d convince to marry him through sheer willpower alone, well at least until Regulus had entered the picture. When Regulus and James became official everyone truly believed that James had moved on from Lily, everyone that is except for one, Regulus himself. Regulus knew this was coming from the start, he would occasionally notice James looking at her the way he used to, he knew she still had a piece of his boyfriend’s heart and at first, this didn’t bother him. He knew James, he knew that he would never truly stop loving her, it's just how he was, once you had a piece of James Potter’s heart a small portion of that piece would be yours forever, but it was okay because he had chosen Regulus. It was okay until his parents started getting serious about him joining his cousin in the death eaters, they said it was so she could protect him but Regulus knew Bella, she would not hesitate to get him killed if she found out he’d betrayed her master in any way.
Regulus had seen them around the school, they looked so happy, they would hold hands in the corridor and he'd even had to pass them snogging in ‘celebration’ after a particularly close quidditch match. He knew James didn’t do it on purpose and he tried to be happy for him but it was hard constantly seeing the love of his life with his new girlfriend. Regulus still wanted James, he still wished to have him look at him the way he looked at Lily but one thing had changed, Regulus now knew he was about to die for his lover.