Feeling kind of sick tonight
All I've had is coffee and leftover pie
It's no wonder why
Wanda knew that she had messed up. Having all evidence of the Darkhold being destroyed, she found that her head had cleared and it seemed her head was now screwed on properly.
As soon as she had returned to her cabin, she put runes around the place so no-one could find her there. If someone had managed to cross paths here, they’d see an empty field. So she was safe, for now.
Everyone thought she was dead, she saw it on the news when she went into town once for groceries. Putting a charm on her face so she looked like a stranger. She watched the tv for a bit, watching the news anchors reporting the ‘beloved Avenger’ passed away on a mission. It had Stephen all over it, clearly telling everyone that she had passed in a heroic way, rather than the villainous way she truly died in. Sure, she brought the castle to the ground, but it didn’t redeem herself, especially after all of the lives she took.
That’s the thing that hurts Wanda the most. All of the people she killed in cold-blood. They had done nothing wrong, they were only doing their duty. She wishes she could say she didn’t realise what she was doing at the time, but she did. The Darkhold just made her think it was justified and helped her towards finding her sons.
It had been a week or so since Wanda had returned to her cabin, with each night a new nightmare baring it’s teeth in her sleep. Last night it was her going through with killing America Chavez, the night before it was herself getting stuck in the mirror dimension for good. And each night she woke herself up with her own screams, sweat drenching her body and her dreams flashing every-time she closed her eyes.
Wanda found it troubling to eat most of the time, she tried to eat lightly, toast, tea, coffee on nights where her mind wouldn’t let her sleep but her body was tired. Sometimes Wanda would cook a proper meal, but halfway through she would start to overthink and she would be throwing it back up again. She knew she needed help, she just didn’t know who could help her. All the people who cared about her think she’s dead or are dead themselves.
Still you take up all my mind
I don't even think that you care like I do
I should stop
Heaven knows I've tried
Wanda catches herself thinking of Natasha very often. She knows if she was still alive, her friend would be there for her. When they lived back at the compound together, Natasha had helped Wanda with adjusting to life without her brother and eventually, when they were on the run Natasha was the only one, aside from Vision, to stay in contact and keep an eye on her.
Sometimes Wanda thinks that she got it wrong. Thinks that maybe Natasha should’ve been the one. Not Vision, but Natasha. Wanda knows it’s wrong, wishing she had a life with another when the one who truly loved her isn’t around anymore. But she can’t help but think.
There was a time where Wanda thinks that her and Natasha could have had a chance, where they could’ve gotten their happy ending.
The time when herself and Vision had gotten in an argument after the android was adamant Pietro was dead, and no “he didn’t carry on living in you Wanda, don’t be ridiculous.”
Wanda remembered hating him for it, she knew he had no concept of losing a sibling, he was an advanced robot and he didn’t understand emotions very well. But he still said it.
Wanda had told Natasha what he had said and the older woman dragged Wanda to Wanda’s room and the two sat down on her bed for a while not talking, until Natasha spoke.
“You know Wanda, if Vision doesn’t know how much of a gorgeous person you are, maybe you shouldn’t be with him.” Natasha said, fidgeting with her fingers, refusing to make eye contact with the woman in front of her.
“Natasha… he just.. he just doesn’t understand, that’s all,” Wanda tried to reason, tried to defend Vision, she didn’t believe what she was saying herself.
“Wanda, he could’ve at least just agreed with you. He pretty much said that your brother is dead for good and he also called you ridiculous for believing he lived on in your heart. It’s just so unfair to you, you deserve better.” Natasha looked up then, staring into Wanda’s eyes, as if trying to tell her something.
Me, I’m better, Natasha’s eyes screamed. Wanda didn’t listen, she just shrugged.
“He just doesn’t know Natasha, he has no concept of loss or feelings. I cannot hold that against him.” Wanda couldn’t look Natasha in the eyes, she didn’t want to see the rejection or sadness she knew she would find if she did. It made her entire being ache.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
Wanda didn’t watch as Natasha left the room, knowing that she would tell her to stay if she did.
One day
I will stop falling in love with you
Some day
Someone will like me like I like you
Until then I'll drink my coffee
Eat my pie
Pretend that we are more than friends
Then of course I'll let you break my heart again
When Wanda had returned after being blipped for 5 years and she found out Natasha had sacrificed herself to save half the universe, she felt sick. She never got to say goodbye to Natasha, she never got to hold her and thank her for everything, and now she never would.
Wanda knows now what she didn’t then, but she had loved Natasha. Not in the way she thought she did but she had loved her. And just like most famous love stories, they had a tragic ending, except theirs would be a secret. Just Wanda’s own secret.
Wanda thinks about contacting America and apologising, begging her to send her to a universe where she could live happily with Natasha until her last breath. But she knows she doesn’t deserve it, she deserves to live the rest of her life secluded from the rest of the world, and to die alone.
Wanda knows America wouldn’t do it anyway, not after what Wanda had done to her. But maybe America would understand, maybe she wouldn’t. Wanda wasn’t sure she could take the risk.
I'm just tryna understand
What I am to you
More than songs we've exchanged
Midnight calls
Sunset views
Wanda was never 100% sure if Natasha had loved her. She knew that they were friends, but she was never sure if they could’ve been more. She’s not sure she wants to know now, seeing as how it wouldn’t have worked out anyway. Would she have been able to handle losing Natasha if they had been together? Would she have gone crazier sooner or would she be a shell of a person who lays in bed all day?
Wanda finds herself sitting on the shore of the lake, looking at the birds flying in the sky and the occasional air bubbles that rise in the water. She knows there’s no people around this area, and she is thankful. Though it means she’s alone with her thoughts, it also means she isn’t terrorised daily with people asking her questions.
Wanda sits, listens to the insects and birds chirping, listens to the train that travels by every couple of hours. It keeps her grounded during the day, it all helps her to keep her mind off of things. It’s night when the world is quiet that Wanda is left truly alone. She hates it. But she deserves it, she knows she does.
She’s not sure if she’ll ever emerge back into the world, Strange had visited her a few days earlier saying she could be an Avenger again if she wanted, or at least go back into the world, as a normal citizen. But Wanda knows that she couldn’t, not without Vision and not without Natasha.
Maybe one day when her wounds have healed, just leaving scars behind. Maybe one day she’ll go into the town close by without a charm covering her face. Maybe one day she’ll forget about what she felt for Natasha. Maybe Natasha herself. No. Not Natasha.
Promise I don't mean to cry
But I get overwhelmed and confused
If only you knew
What I felt like
Wanda’s tears soaked her pillow, waking up from a nightmare was normal to her now. But not tonight, tonight Wanda had been ripped from a dream where herself and Natasha had been together, living in a house in the suburbs, no Avenger business anywhere.
It confused Wanda, it hurt Wanda. She wanted Natasha back but she couldn’t have her back, no matter how much she wanted it. She had learnt that the first time with her sons.
The dream had been so real. She truly felt Natasha’s skin, she heard her voice. Wanda felt disoriented, she thought she could still hear Natasha whispering sweet nothings into her ear.
Wanda sat up from the bed and made her way into the kitchen to brew some coffee, she knew she wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep now.
She sat at the kitchen table for about an hour when she heard a knock on her door, instantly her hands flowed red, ready to pounce if need be.
Wanda slowly walked to the door, footsteps light, not making a sound. Another couple knocks rung through the cabin.
Opening the door slightly, Wanda nearly passed out seeing who was on the other side.
“How ya been, red?” Natasha’s voice sounded like smooth honey to her ears.
Wanda choked back a sob as the door flung open and she threw herself into Natasha’s arms. Her mind going a thousand miles a second, not a coherent thought.
“Woah, clearly not that great.” Natasha wrapped her arms around Wanda, finding comfort in the younger woman.
After a short while, Wanda’s cries died down and she slowly released Natasha, guiding her inside to the seat she just occupied. A question on the tip of her tongue.
“Steve brought me back from Vormir when he returned the stone. Can’t exactly keep a soul there if the stone is given back, so. When I came back I wasn’t 100%, I couldn’t walk properly and I couldn’t speak. It was like I was born again, in a way I was, but I knew I couldn’t see you being the way I was. I didn’t want you to see me like that.” Natasha explained, Wanda just stood and listened. She wasn’t sure she cared how Natasha was back, all she cared about was that she was here, right in front of her. Alive.
“But then I saw on the news that you had died, I went and found Stephen and he explained everything. I’m just, I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you Wanda. I’m so Sorry.”
“Natasha please, you don’t need to apologise. I am just so happy you are here. I’ve missed you so much.”
“Me too, Wanda. But are you okay now?” Natasha’s eyes were full of concern, Wanda couldn’t blame her, she’d be concerned if her friend turned into a murderous monster.
“No, but I take it day by day. I know things will get better knowing you’re alive now. I regret a lot and I hate myself for it, every minute of every day but I’m dealing with it.” She wasn’t, but Natasha didn’t need to know that.
“I see. And Vision? How are you dealing with that?” Natasha sounded cautious, she wasn’t sure if it was a touchy subject or not still.
“I miss him, every day. But I don’t feel for him like I used to, and I think Westview helped me realise that.”
Natasha just smiled softly, grabbing Wanda’s hand in her own and staring for a minute before looking back up at her.
“And me?” Her voice was soft, scared.
“Oh Natasha, I will never stop falling in love with you.”
One day
I will stop falling in love with you
Some day
Someone will like me like I like you
Until then I'll drink my coffee
Eat my pie
Pretend that we are more than friends
Then of course I'll let you break my heart again
Tonight, Wanda will have her toast, maybe a coffee, depending on if her mind will let her rest for the night, but she won’t be alone. She’ll have Natasha by her side, telling her it’s okay. Everything will be okay.
Some day
One day
I will stop falling in love with you
Until I do
I'll be thinking of you
Let you break my heart again