Thank You, Truly
The large room I lived in was sunny, warm, bright. The sun warmed the white plaster to perfection, and I had a tea kettle going on my stove, simmering. I leaned against the counter I had put in when I first moved in, finding the motion and pleasure of cooking essential to settling here in Hel. It was wide and strong, with a solid oak counter top I could use as a chopping block, a deep, old porcelain sink I had found in the room, and a stove and oven.
Loki was sitting uncomfortably on my couch. He had meticulously folded his tunic, his leather shirt, and wrapped it all in the green cloak. He had placed it in a shopping bag, and it was sitting by his feet.
I had, against all better judgement, let him come upstairs to change into what we had picked out for him to wear. He looked strange, simple, but cold and beautiful in the clothes he had picked out with me at the stores. I had given him the money to buy things, because he refused my suggestion that he register with the newcomers center and get his income card, first room, and anything else he needed to function for his first part of his stay here. I hardly spent any of my income card, and I received even more from finishing the projects at work, so I had quite a bit sitting around and was not adverse to lending him a bit to get him started here.
I could see his eyes taking in everything here, and he fidgeted uncomfortably in the thick black jeans, a thin sweater, and a pair of black dress shoes. As I waited for the teakettle to whistle, I fidgeted. The silence was uncomfortable. I watched his black hair swish around as he turned his head from side to side, observing the room he was in.
“Autumn, you have a lot of books.”
“Yes, I do. I like to read.”
Silence, awkward silence.
“So, Loki,” I asked. “You brought so much forward. Who are you? Tell me about yourself, about the place I came from.”
“Autumn, I cannot tell you about where you came from. I have not been there, save for a few moments.”
“But you seem to know everything about Hel”
“Yes, I do. I have studied it enough to know how it works here.” “And you tell me, you keep telling me that you shouldn’t be here, and you are here.”
“Yes, I have studied it enough to know that if I were to ever end up here I would be in great danger.”
“And you are in danger here, now?”
He paused, and turned to look at me for the first time since we started talking.
“Yes.” His eyes glittered in the sunlight.
“Then how can I help you?” I asked him
His face softened. “I’m not sure. I suppose now I just need to hide until I can figure out what to do, how to repair the damage that I did back home, how to make amends.”
“I can try to help you if you’d like, but I don’t really know what’s going on. I don’t understand what you are saying.”
“Autumn, you don’t need to know. I’ll be out of here as soon as I can figure out how to get back. I just need a few days. Just a few days.”
“Take the time you need, but if you want I can help you find people who can make sense of being here.” The tea kettle whistled, and I turned to pour the boiling water into two mugs. Carefully, I picked the two of them up and brought one to him, sitting on the opposite end of the couch of him. “Do you want to explain what’s going on to me? Maybe I can help you make sense of everything that’s going on.”
“Your books...” he said, diverting the subject away from something uncomfortable. “It seems as if you read a lot about existence, about the idea of things ending. Of new beginnings”
“Yes, I suppose I do. I had never realized that all the titles seemed to have the same theme, the same ideas.” “Have you learned the history of your existence yet? Who you are? Where you came from?”
“No, Loki. There’s no book that can tell me that. I have to sit with the unknown. It becomes part of you, the first life you lived but can barely remember.”
“What a sorrow, to have lived a lifetime and not to have retained anything from it.”
“What a gift. A chance to redo everything.”
“Do you think so?”
“No.” I paused, giving the honest answer. “I’m not convinced it’s better this way. I’ve spent my entire lifetime here, from the moment I crashed to the pavement, doweling in pain, to this very moment, wondering why I brought those twelve poems, wondering why all I know are shadows of a coffee shop, wondering what my life was. Was I loved? Cared for? Alone? When I died did someone miss me? I think that’s part of Hel, just wondering what came before.”
“I can give you that, Autumn. I can find it for you. I don’t think I can ever give you the life back, but I can let you know.”
“I’m not sure if I want to know. What if the questions are the answers?”
“Is it easier for you that way?”
“I think so.”
“But if you want it Autumn, if you can help me here, I can tell you the meaning behind your poems, why you carried them further.”
“I need to think about that. I will help you none the less, you seem so exhausted just sitting there on the couch but I need to know who you are, and why you are here, and why you refuse to follow the conventions we have here, and why you do the things you do.”
He looked at me, with half a smile on his face. “I suppose I could tell you. But you need to know that if you ever tell anyone the consequences will be just as dire for you as they are for me.”
“Truly?”
“Yes. If you know your existence is in your hands. Still want to know.”
I sipped at my tea to test it’s temperature.
“I suppose I do.”
“Then, he said, leaning back against the couch, looking me square in the face. “I am Loki, of Asgard...”
***
“So what are you going to do?” I asked Loki. “What’s next for you?”
He leaned forward towards me, holding his third cup of tea, and starring straight into my eyes he said, “I’m not sure. Autumn. I’m not sure.”
I leaned towards him his face only inches from mine, practicing the same comforting stare that Alex gave me when I was having a panic attack at work. “Loki, It’s going to be okay.”
Unexpectedly he began to laugh, eyes wrinkling up, face crunching up, a lock of hair falling into his face. “Yes, yes, Autumn. Of course it is! It is going to be OK!”
“Ok, just letting you know. It’s late, Loki. I’m heading to bed. I’ll grab you some extra stuff from the closet and you can use the couch as a bed tonight.”
I got up from my spot on the couch and headed towards the single closet that held all my clothes and random stuff I couldn’t fit anywhere else. I pulled down sheets and blankets and a pillow and set it on the couch.
“If you need more pillows feel free to use the couch ones. I don’t have any more guest pillows than this.”
“Ok. Autumn?” he asked, starting to spread the blankets on the couch.
“Yes?”
“Thank you. Truly.”