TW: ANXIETY, DEPRESSION, BRIEF THOUGHTS OF UNALIVING, SMALL S3 EP2 SPOILERS!!
Luz's pronouns: She/he/they
Everyone else's pronouns are expressed in the fic, but since Luz has multiple I figured it's be helpful :)
Amity POV:
When life gets you down, make lemonade—but according to my mother, it was more like make money.
It's been about three years since the Collector has been defeated, and though it should be the happiest part of my life; being 18 with the love of my life, free of Mother, free of Hexside—it all feels wrong.
I barely have enough energy to get out of bed even though I'd slept for 10 hours.
I can barely drag myself out of the house to run errands.
I can barely call myself a good girlfriend to Luz even though I'm trying my best.
I can barely find a point in living.
"Amity? ¿Como estas batata?" Luz's quiet voice breaks through my thoughts, and I slightly lift my head off the pillow. The room is dark, with the blinds closed and the lights off, but the natural sunlight that was steaming through the hallway illuminated the right side of her rounder face. His gorgeous face.
"Could be better," I murmur, smiling at the fact she's checking on me. They do it every day, but Mother never did it for me, and the twins and Father only really started paying attention to me when I was 14. It’s always a treat to feel somewhat cherished.
Luz grimaces, her brow furrowed with worry. Her eyes are sad as she walks over to the bed. He gently kisses my forehead, on the moon shaped scar from where the Collector's symbol was imprinted. "Ammy, I think you should see a therapist. And I mean, really see one this time, none of that online stuff," Luz takes my hands in theirs, and his rough hands feeling perfect against my smooth palms.
We'd been halfway arguing about this for a while, because after a month of virtual therapy, I figured out that I was terrified of breaking through to my inner emotions. I couldn't do it. But, then I look into Luz's pleading amber and blue eyes, and I can't help but want to be better for him.
I consider for another few moments, and I begrudgingly agree.
I can do it for Luz.
-TIMEEEEEEEEEEEEE SKIPPPPPPPPPPPPP-
It's been a week, and I'm standing outside of the office, dreading fueling my heart. It's another simple building in Bonesborough, with a red tiled roof, white brick walls, and eye sludge creeping up the sides of it. I blow out a breath of determination, readjust my purple purse strap, and push open the small red wooden door.
A screamer yells as I enter the establishment, with a few creatures sitting at the front desk. A triclopes looks up at me. They have stormy gray eyes, and split dyed coiled hair, one half a deep brown and the other a honey blonde. Their warm brown skin pops against the white blouse and white nails they had.
I smile, and approach the desk, my hand fiddling with the hem of my black skirt. "Hi, I'm here for my appointment," I nervously say. The triclopes' piercing eyes flit to my face.
"Ah, yes, Miss Blight I presume?" They double check, and I nod my head. "You're checked in, so why don't you have a seat?" I thank them, and turn to sit on the maroon upholstered couch. Ghost returned to palisman form, and snuggled on my lap. My hands continue to pull now at my pastel pink crewneck. I'm slightly regretting wearing the white collared shirt under it, because it feels like the walls were starting to close in.
Calm.
Come on calm yourself.
BE A BLIGHT.
I close my eyes, trying to tune out the nerves controlling my thoughts. "Amity?" A voice snapped me out of my calming thoughts, and I look up, meeting eyes with another witch.
She has shoulder length, chestnut brown hair, with soft pink eyes. Her tanned skin contrasts her white skirt and sky blue turtleneck.
I've scoped her out through the pamphlets. She has positive reviews, she looks kindred, and she specializes in anxiety and depression. Which is what a majority of my issues revolve around.
She pushes her white round glasses up the bridge of her strong nose, as I stand, and she beckons me back.
Ghost transforms once more into my cane, my mind barely registering the old pain of the wound on my lower back. Belos had slashed my back as we fought, and it took me 6 months to be able to walk again. We all hard scars from our final battle. Gus was blind out on one eye that had happened during our battle with the Collector, Willow suffers from chronic pain from where her puppet joints had been, Hunter had his scars from Belos, and Luz had scars everywhere from where Belos had tried to possess her, and their blue eye occasionally blinds him.
I say tried because I used abomination gunk to repel him from her when he was halfway through the process.
The carpeted floor thuds softly as my cane and feet hurry to the office. When we enter, I carefully take in my surroundings.
There's a decent amount of sunlight illuminating the room via the two windows, with the addition of warm white lights lining the walls. The room itself has a sage green couch and a few brown chairs across from the large brown wooden desk and black spinning chair. There are pastel pink and purple blankets neatly folded on the couch, but I see more in a clear bin next to some of her shelves which have an array of fidget toys and stuffed animals lining them. There's another shelf across from it with books on lots of topics, organized by genre and author.
"Take a seat where ever," she says, taking her place at her desk. I take a seat on the couch, Ghost scuttling beside me. "My name is Doctor Verse, but please call me Wren. I'm 36, and I have a partner and we've been married for about 9 years. My palisman is a smaller dog named Uma, and she's a trained therapy Palisman, so if you ever need to, let me know if you'd like her to calm you down."
A grin breaks across my face. She's already better than the online therapist. "Thank you for the offer, but my palisman Ghost is an already trained service Palisman due to my disability," I kindly respond, Ghost meowing as if in reassurance.
Wren grins. "Alrighty then! Mind telling me about yourself?"
I open my mouth, and then I kind of deflate. How the Titan do I respond? Oh yeah, y'know I've just casually had thoughts of suicide for years, and my depression is really kicking my ass right now and- "How about you tell me your age, some hobbies, and the names of some of your friends?" Wren interrupts my thoughts, clearly telling that I was struggling to come up with an answer.
"Well my birthday is June 9th, and I turn 18, some hobbies of mine include reading, writing, and crocheting, and some of my friends are Luz Noceda, Willow Park, Gus Porter, and Hunter Wittebane," I list off.
"Oh really? I also love reading! My favorite genre is realistic fiction! What kind of books do you read?" Wren asks excitedly. I sharply draw my breath, and my hand reaches for the comfort of Ghost. How do I tell her my special interest is a kid's series from the human realm?
"It's-um . . . high fantasy," I reply once my brain has formulated an acceptable version of the truth.
"That's my partner's favorite too! I'll have to trade recommendations with you later on, but we have to get down to some of the nitty-gritty now," she apologetically informs me. I gulp as she moves to grab her blue clipboard. "So, Amity, I see you've been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, PTSD, CPTSD, and autism," she looks from her clipboard to me for confirmation, and I quickly nod.
"Well, do you mind telling me about how you got diagnosed, and how it's affecting you currently?" Wren asks, her hands folding together on her desk, pen and notepad to her left.
I take a shuttering breath. "Well . . . I was taken to see the physiatrist in the Human Realm, where I was given the diagnosis of anxiety. Then, after some more time, I was taken to see an autism specialist, which is where that came from. Then, after everything with the Collector went down, I tried therapy online, where I was diagnosed with depression, PTSD, and CPTSD. I, um, stopped doing online because of . . . complications." My hand quickly pets Ghost's fur now, trying to calm myself a bit.
Wren nodded the entire time, and jotted something down when I finished. "Alrighty thank you. Now, what's your life like now?" she asks, her soft eyes meeting mine.
"Well . . . I live with my girlfriend Luz now, and I've completely cut my mother out of my life. I can barely get out of bed though, and I find keeping myself functioning difficult. I mean this was the first time I showered, brushed my hair, and changed my clothes in probably 4 days," I confess, my hands now curling up in my lap, nails pressing into my skin to stop myself from crying. Ghost mewls, and uses my arm as leverage to rub her face against my cheek.
Calm yourself Blight.
Don't be a needy child.
When Wren finishes writing down all of her notes, we make eye contact as she looks up at me. Her eyes have the hidden question, are you okay? I drop her gaze, and breath through my nose for a few more seconds, and I look back at her. She takes this as her signal to continue questioning.
"Now, do you still attend school?" I shake my head. The thought of having to open my mouth which now felt like concrete is appalling. Wren quickly jots something down.
"Okay, thank you. Did you drop out of it to pursue something else?" I shake my head my right leg starts bouncing. I inwardly grimace, knowing this would affect me later as a dull pain starts to build in my back. Wren continues to write things down.
"So you graduated early? That's impressive!" Wren compliments me, and I offer her a small shy smile. "Okay, now for a not so fun topic. I would love to make this a yes or no question, but unfortunately it's a bit more personal. If you can use sign language, I can understand it, and if my voice is too jarring, feel free to put on anything noise cancelling, and I'll sign you the question," Wren disclosed, cocking her head in a silent question.
I think for a moment, and sign back, I'd prefer sign language at the moment, if that's okay.
She smiles, exposing her gapped teeth. Of course. So, other than your disability and the pain associated with that, how would you say your health is? And, were you born with your disability?
My hands twitched, and I quickly shake them out, as if airing my nerves out. Well . . . my disability causes me little pain if I'm not too hard on it, but other than that, I have hypersomnia which is most likely linked to my depression, and I have occasional joint pain from being in puppet form. My disability was something I earned.
My hands are starting to shake which of course she notices, and she takes louder deep, steady breaths. I follow her breathing pattern, and she softly smiles as encouragement. She writes more on her paper, and faces me again. So, that's honestly all I need for now. Why don't we work on a trust exercise?
-TIMEEEEEEEEEEEEE SKIPPPPPPPPPPPPP-
"Amity!" I hear Luz exclaim. I look over through the walkway to the kitchen as I hang my bag on our little bag stand that's definitely a hat stand. But with Luz's large (and ever growing) beanie collection and my general aversion to anything that encases my head like that, it didn't really make sense for it to be used for it's intended purpose.
As she rounds the island in our kitchen, her amber eyes catch mine, and Stringbean's snake like form is sitting on her shoulders. Immediately his demeanor softens when he sees my slightly fidgety state. Do you want me to sign? they sign, their usual mischievous grin now softer around the edges. I still sit on my staff, finding it easier than have to use a cane more often than not.
My eyes are feeling a bit droopy, and I reply yes please. Luz nods quickly, and comes to me in our entrance way, Stringbean floating off to the couch to lay down. Do you mind if I give you a kiss? she asks, and I quickly reply, I'm okay with minimal touch currently . . . can I give you a kiss?
His small grin turns into a large smile. Of course. I leaned in and catch his lips in a short but love filled kiss, and it's like I'm still 14, and my brain is continuously short-circuiting around them. The world fades to where I can only feel her, and I know he loves me.
She pulls away, and beckons me over to the kitchen, and even though I'm already exhausted, I nod and follow him inside. What do you want to eat? Luz signs, grabbing a cup to fill with water for me.
Could you grab me the Fire bee honey-Os? I'll grab the pine extract, I ask, and Luz complies. Pine extract sounds disgusting, but it's really just the Boiling Isles version of milk. I grab a bowl and a small spoon, and sit on one of the stools around our island. Luz places the box behind my bowl, and he takes a seat next to me.
Ghost returns to palisman form, and sitting to my right on the Island. Stringbean quickly joins, and turns into a cat to sit with Ghost. Stringbean knows what Ghost does, but she doesn't need to interact with Ghost. She just want to be around her.
So, do you want to talk now or later? Luz signs, her hair falling in front of his face as he faces me. After the Human realm, they'd let it grow out, but eventually started to keep it in its naturally kinky state in a shorter bob like look. I quickly pushed the strand back under the edge of her beanie from a brand called Hilos. It was a shop she'd found on the Boiling Isles when she was around 15, and they sold all sorts of thing for every style.
Not now. But, maybe tomorrow.
I can still barely get out of bed in the morning, but I will get better.
I can still barely run errands, but I will get better.
I can still barely be a good girlfriend, but I will get better,
I can still barely find a point in living, but I already see one point.
So, as I sit and eat small bits of cereal with Luz comfortingly holding my free hand, I can only repeat this mantra.
Not now. But, maybe tomorrow.