You woke up sweaty. Your breathing rapid, your body trembling. A feeling you so well knew by now. Every night you woke up like this, your dreams haunted by the lust and memories of him and the pain of your broken heart.
Getting up, you let your silky sleeping gown fall on your feet as you walked towards the bath, ready to wash those thoughts away. You dropped a couple of oil drops, the one he used to love, and submerged your body on the wooden tub. You closed your eyes, feeling your body relax. Your mind wandering to Loki’s face, his bright eyes that used to look at you with so much fire in them.
Now he was out of reach, sitting on the throne of Asgard. You should have known better than to start a impossible relationship with a Prince. You were delusional. But Loki’s silver tongue and smart words swept you off your feet. You gave yourself to him and you dreamed of nothing but to be his. And you were only his, for a glorious time. But you knew, it was all lost now.
Your mother was already trying to give your hand away. You were from high middle class, enough to get a good prospect. But it just wasn’t enough. You still remember his last words.
"Oh I do love when you squirm like that. To see the power I have over you; I know you will not forget me." He whispered in your ear as he took you. You could replay it in your head so clearly like it was yesterday that he muttered the truest of words. The last time you felt his warm touch against your skin, vanishing then from your life. Initially you waited, patiently. But Loki was too busy in his own world, too busy to care about an old lover.
You hated yourself for it, but you also felt bitter inside. He had showed you the world, to then push the carpet from under your feet. You had no idea how to get up on your own anymore. No matter how much you tried, not matter how much life kept moving on around you. You were lost in the past.
When your mother discovered your liaison with him, she was angry and she spit hurtful words at you.
“How could you bring this to yourself. To your family! You have given up your honour like a worthless whore.” She yelled, her eyes wide open, her face red with rage. Her finger pointing in judgement. Your father simply sat in his chair, staring at the scene, not one word uttered. You could read the silent disappointment in him. You felt your eyes burn with tears and your throat begging for a tearful release. Your cheek still burning from the slap she had given you. But she didn’t care, she continued with her yelling.
“If you had at least secured a ring in that finger of yours. But not even that you are capable of. How are we going to marry you off now? Have I raised you for nothing. Have I taught you nothing?!”
You got up, not able to handle the harsh rejection from your own. And you ran away to your room, locking the door behind you.
“Where do you think you are going, I am not done talking to you!” She followed you, knocking roughly at your door as she continued. Her voice now strained.
You covered your head with your pillow trying to drown the yelling that still rang in your ears. Sobbing hard against your mattress. Your body eventually falling into sleep, exhausted from the night’s event.
Your mind seemed unable to forget the events of that night. It had been like a double sword into your heart. The disapproval of your family with the lost of a loved one. You hated yourself more than anything. And your heart couldn’t help but tighten with pain at the memories. You submerged yourself momentarily, trying to drown the pain, feeling the air leaving your lungs. You finally brought yourself back, gasping. A small sense of release running through your body.
You thought of your mother and the arranged date she had organized for today. She had decided to ignore your lost honour and pretend nothing was wrong. If no one knew, she didn’t have to pay an extra dowry for compensation. But rumours had their way of appearing. And you trusted not that this would be well kept quiet. You wanted not for it to be kept quiet. You wished you could yell to the world, to pride yourself in your actions even if you yourself did not.
You forced yourself out of the tub, drying your body mindlessly. You walked to your room and carefully put on the dress that had been chosen for you. It was overly frilled and covered your body. Another useless attempt to prove how innocent you were. You cared not how the night went and you allowed yourself to follow through with it. Tired of fighting against it.
Your suitor, Ulfr, arrived. You were seeing him for the first time. He was short and bulky, his hair was brown and down to his chin. He hid not the pleasure in his eyes as he looked at you. Leaving you feeling utterly disgusted. This was who they wanted you to marry? This? The man was a buffoon. He was stupid and he had no manners. It was an insult to yourself. At dinner, you were sat in front of him. Though your parents pretended interest in him you had no such plans.
He showcased loudly his battles. Grand only to his eyes. He also pointed with little grace the amount of fortune he had under his name. Trying to impress, managing the contrary.
You were absolutely disgusted. And your mouth was clamped tightly into a thin line. Not muttering a word. He didn’t seem to notice as he seemed more caring of speaking of himself then listening, but he finally pointed out at your lack of words.
"It seems milady isn’t very talkative this night? Nor hungry? Has the nerves and excitement at the prospect of our joining families hindered your appetite?" He talked proudly, thinking highly of himself. You controlled the urge to retort and snort at his words as a warning hand from your mother gripped tightly at your thigh, her nails digging painfully. Her fake smile never wavering.
"It’s just the subject I have nothing to add on." You replied, as pleasing as you could. A hint of sarcasm escaping into your tone.
"Well, then speak out, I’ll gladly talk of whatever my lady is interested in."
You raised an eyebrow, thinking on what to say. “Do you read?” You finally asked remembering fondly Loki’s huge collection of Literature.
He laughed, as if your question was absurd. “Me? I have no time for female hobbies. I train and I fight.” You wanted to roll your eyes. But you sighed silently and moved on, to something you actually wanted to know. Something he might answer you. You knew that his presence would at least control your parents for now, not wanting to create a scene and scare him away. So you inhaled heavily and asked.
“How are the royals baring lately? It seems I’ve been out of the loop.” Your family had made sure you heard no news of whatever happened at the royal throne, they wanted your mind away from him and didn’t want to risk any temptations from your part.
Your mother visibly stiffened, but your suitor continued without realising the heavy mood that had settled at the dinner table. He took a hearty bite out of his meat and spoke, as he chewed.
"Well, you know ever since the youngest prince took the throne the nine realms have been… hesitant about it." You were pretty sure your worry for Loki and the hardship he was probably receiving with him having the throne showed in your eyes as the man in front of you added. "But you need to not worry about that milady, nothing bad can happen to you. I’ll make sure of that." He winked.
But you were now too worried and you needed to know, so you prodded further. “But what are they doing about it? To calm the worries of the other leaders?” The man’s face had turned serious suddenly, and you were worried at the looks he gave you. But he still answered your question. His voice lowered to a whisper now.
"I heard there might be a political marriage arranged with King Loki and a princess from another realm. I’m not sure but it’s been said that the ball they will be throwing soon will probably be the day they announce it officially. But I know not more."
Your heart stopped. A political marriage. You did not want to believe in his words, but you knew he was probably right. But you wanted to see with your own eyes. You had a plan, but you knew better than to put it in action in front of your parents. You waited for the night to end. It was finally time to leave and you told your mother you wanted to accompany the fine man outside. Your parents seemed to have fallen for your words, believing you might have finally gotten interested and they allowed, thinking it could only help.
You lead him outside, closing the door behind you both. You could see he expected a kiss, believing truly in your interest in him.You smiled, for the first time that night, throwing a bit of charm his way. “You know, such a fine man like you can probably get anything he wants. Right?” You touched his arm gently and you could see his mind clouded and excited.
"But I wonder if a man like you could for me… Oh.. never mind… of course not." You sighed dramatically and looked away. He took your hands into his, his eyes shining, eager to please you and win your heart.
"Tell me what you want. I can give you anything."
"Anything? Well, I would love to attend that royal ball. It would be such a wonderful gift for me. But it’s probably too hard of a feat to manage.” You looked down, feigning sadness. As soon as you said those words you knew you had gotten what you wanted. His chest stuffed with pride. “I’ll work on this for you milady. I’ll get you to that ball. Or I am not the man I am.”
He stole you a kiss and rushed away, excited to please you. To get started on the task in hand. When he was gone you wiped your mouth, disgusted. But you were marvelled at how your plan worked so perfectly. He sure was easy to manipulate.
Time passed and you started to worry your plan wouldn’t play out as you heard of no news. But the day before the ball he barged into your house. As you heard his voice booming down the hall, you could hear his excitement, and for the first time you were happy for his presence. You ran down the stairs, your dress tottering after you as you skipped steps hurriedly.
Before you entered the room, not wanting to bring any suspicions, you stopped your hurried steps and calmed your breathing. Finding him in the welcoming room with your parents, you gave him a coy smile. It was late afternoon and you looked at him, expectant, waiting. He gave you a small greeting nod, his face beaming with pride. And your heart skipped a beat. It would happen! It would!
"We are officially invited to the royal ball my lady." You knew your parents were shocked and their eyes narrowed angrily. But you couldn’t even deal with such a ordeal now. Your mind was busy planning everything, thinking on what to do, what to wear. When it hit you. You were going to be accompanied by him. By that oaf. How did that not pass through your mind? In all your eagerness to get there you hadn’t thought everything as thorough as you thought, and you mentally cursed yourself. But oh well, you were sure you were able to handle him.
"You are not going." Your mother immediately chimed in, her voice strained. You looked at her, biting your lip so as not to start yelling right then and there. But you controlled yourself with a deep breath. You continued on to play your part.
"But mother, he has gone through all this effort. And you are not going to allow me to indulge in such a thoughtful gift?” You smiled at him and he nodded, agreeing with your words.
"No discussion, go to your room. Now!" She ordered and you flinched. You opened your mouth to say something, but you could see how angry she was. Your heart sank and the desolation in your face was clear. You wrongly thought your parents would be easier to deal with. You controlled your will to pout and whine. You should be a grown up about this and find a way to get what you wanted. You looked pitifully at Ulfr who was frowning slightly. "Good night my princess." He said as he walked closer to you lowering then his head to your ear as he took your hand in his.
"Let me speak to your mother my lady. Maybe she will hinge to my wise words if we speak alone." You hesitantly agreed, feeling thankful as you stomped back up. Although you clearly doubted his words would have any effect.
You waited impatient at your room. You heard Ulfr leaving and after what felt like an eternity you heard your father’s stern voice calling for you. You slowly made your way back down, not sure what to expect. You held your hands tightly and didn’t dare to look up until he spoke. “We have agreed with the young men to let him accompany you. He will be at your sides at all times.” He gave you a warning look. As if to say, so don’t think of doing anything foolish. You beamed, but you quickly controlled your smile, not wanting to look too eager. And you thanked him appropriately. He waved his hand at you, nodding as he made his way to go to the living room, his back hunched. He look old and tired.
You let out a heavy breath. You were extremely glad your parents seemed to put as much faith as they did on the man. It would make things much easier to you. And you were glad your suitor was better with words than you anticipated. As the time passed you were starting to owe him more and more. And that idea did not please you one bit. You wanted to hate him, but he had proven…decent, you grudgingly admitted.
Next day he arrived right on time and waited patiently for you. You were finishing your up do. You looked at yourself in the mirror, admiring the beautiful ball gown you were able to salvage from the attic. After a good wash and ironing it was as good as new. You passed your hand through the silky cloth. It fit like a glove the strapless dress that plunged into a heart neckline. Your shoulders and neck looking elegant and elongated. The corset pinched perfectly at your waist and the dress draped beautifully around your hips. The pale pink contrasting well with your skin colour. Your hair was up and you added as a finishing touch, a thin tiara inlaid with tiny crystals.
You cautiously perfumed yourself behind your ears and on your wrists and you were ready to meet with your date.
He arrived on a beautiful carriage, he got down greeting you earnestly and helped you inside. Your parents told him one last time for him to take good care of you, words unsaid in their tone, before they unwillingly waved goodbye.
It took a while through rock paved roads until you reached your destination. The golden palace. You looked at the other guests arriving and you felt shameful at their higher class, arriving in lux rides and gowns more beautiful then the other.
You really were not supposed to be there you thought, among such rich class, but that wouldn’t stop you. You needed too see him with your own eyes and most important, you needed the closure and satisfaction.
You were early and that meant you had to kill some time as the royals only arrive after all the guests, to make an entrance. You sat with Ulfr and you calmly sipped on your drink, though your date seemed restless in his seat. He wanted to socialize to dance, to enjoy. But you wanted nothing of it, as you felt moody now that you were actually there. Unfortunately he couldn’t handle your indifference and silence anymore and he tried to persuade you to leave your seat.
"Come on my Lady, we have to enjoy what is around us. Isn’t this the reason you wanted to come? To partake in the glamour and the beauty of such a ostentatious celebration and feast?"
You were thankful he was a fool and truly believed that, when you were about to retort a voice boomed through the room, hushing everyone. You could see the warriors three standing by the royal throne, and you got up as it was announced that King Loki would be entering the room. The guards directed everyone to stand to the sides of the passage way. You were very near and your heart started to beat fast. It had been so long, you were finally going to see him, and you didn’t know what to expect.
And in he came, everyone fell silent and as he walked they bowed. He wore a fur piece over his signature leather armour, though it seemed different from before. When he walked past you, you quickly bowed down but you couldn’t bear and you looked up, surprised to find his eyes staring back at you and you quickly looked down again watching his boots walk away. When he sat everyone got up and turned to look at their King. He looked powerful, he looked like he belonged there. How could anyone claim against his right? You wondered.
He raised again to speak to his people and his voice boomed clearly through the room, it made you shiver.
"My people, I know there has been some doubts after my take of the throne. But I promise to honour my dutiful right as King, and to rule no worse but better then the Kings before me." To that people gasped and whispered a bit at his disregard to Odin and all the other rulers. "I am now bound by my duty, and to my people, and I’ll be sure to show it." He paused then he smiled. "Enjoy the feast and ball." He ended, sitting back down. And everyone started to move along. You breathed out, not realizing you were holding your breath as he spoke. By then you had completely forgotten about Ulfr and when he touched your shoulder you jumped.
"Oh norns!" You yelped.
"I’m sorry." He apologised surprised for scaring you. You calmed down and forced a smile, telling him it was fine. You saw as Loki socialized a bit and you couldn’t help but notice the amount of women trying to catch his attention. Women whom, in your eyes, were more beautiful than you.
You heard Ulfr mentioning “lucky man.” and you realised he must have noticed it as well and you couldn’t help but feel appalled at his comment. He was supposed to be your date and not speak of jealousy over not having women fanning themselves at him.
You were feeling suffocated and confused so you asked him to bring you something to eat and drink. That would keep him occupied long enough. As he disappeared from your sight you walked away to one of the open balconies, to get some fresh air.
You looked looming out the balcony, hugging yourself from the cold wind. A hand touched you gently, placing a piece of fur on your shoulders. You knew immediately who it was and you turned your head, your eyes looking up at him. “Beautiful, isn’t it?” He said looking straight at the view in front of him. The dark black sky glistening with stars. The faint lights of the golden city eye catching and the blurry horizon so promising.
"I don’t think you should be here." You said, a King couldn’t simply disappear from his own party.
"Oh they won’t notice I’m not here." He said pointing with his head inside and you saw he had created a copy of himself. Had he done that just to see you? You couldn’t help yourself, at that moment everything failed through and your eyes watered, giving your feelings away. "You abandoned me." You faintly whispered, the wind carrying your words. He stiffened slightly, his thumb stopped caressing your skin, but he still didn’t look your way.
"Only physically." He turned, his eyes gleaming suspiciously, his mouth turned into a downward line. "I kept my image awake within you, I visited you in your dreams." He looked expectant, surely you had noticed.
You stared surprised at his confession. The dreams you constantly had of him hadn’t been just your mind going back to what it missed? Torturing you unconsciously? You were shocked and confused, so, he hadn’t actually abandoned you? Why hadn’t he simply made himself known to you? And you felt a pang of anger. You punched him in the middle of his chest, barely making any damage, you knew, but you were enraged and you needed to release it. He looked back at you, surprised, not expecting such a angry reaction.
"I can’t believe you!" You yelled. "Do you have any idea how much you made me suffer? I waited for your return. I WAITED."
Loki tried to say something his hand closing on your shoulder but you pushed him away and his fur and ran back inside. You found Ulfr and begged him to take you back home. He seemed hesitant but he saw your tearing eyes and desperation and he asked what was wrong. But you refused to answer, just asking to be taken home. And so he did, eyeing you curiously from time to time. Once you arrived at your house there was an awkward silence between you two and you looked at him, calmer now. “Please don’t say a word.” You asked of him as you parents opened the door, after hearing the carriage’s arrival. You got out and pretended happiness, greeting him good-bye with false eagerness and turned to enter your house.
"You returned awfully early. How did it go?" They inquired with a satisfied expression, they must have though a political marriage arrangement had indeed gone through and you were going to finally forget him. You answered with a simple ‘fine’ whilst you excused yourself to bed and ran up the stairs. That night you didn’t dream of him and you slept peacefully but when you woke and noticed his lack of presence in your mind you felt a sad disappointment. It is officially over I guess.
The next night however his presence was back. You felt his touch on your skin, caressing your hair, and your mind lulled automatically into what you thought to be a dream. Moist soft lips kissed your cheeks, your neck and your mouth. Long strong arms held you close and whispered words that claimed how much you were missed.
When morning came memories rushed back and you thought of how different that dream had been from all the other lust filled ones, until you noticed something on the side table. An envelope with the royal seal. And you realized he had really been there, by your side.
You grabbed it with trembling hands and stared at it, daring yourself to open it. Finally you broke the seal and took the letter from inside.
You immediately recognized his angled handwriting and read with tears in your eyes. His words were as honest and open as you’ve ever seen, he spoke of his love for you and his desire for you to be by his side. The only person that ever broke into his heart, he claimed. He reminisced over the moments you both shared and spoke of his hopes you felt the same.
You pressed you hand to your mouth trying to stifle a sob. “Oh, Loki…” You moaned. And his voice behind you surprised you. “Yes?”
You looked back your eyes wide open. He looked at your tear stricken face and he sighed, sad, his hand wiping your cheek.
"Did you truly believe that after claiming my birthright as Asgard’s rightful King, I would forget my favourite little pet?" He spoke softly. You looked away, blushing at his words. He sat by your side and pushed your face gently to look back at him again, admiring your beautiful eyes before he continued. "Oh, darling… I think you might need a reminder of how much I enjoy our little interludes." He said as he pressed his lips against yours. For a moment you gave in. Feeling the warmth and contour of lips that you knew so well and you leaned into him completely. Eventually you both separated and Loki rested his forehead against yours, his nose nuzzling your cheek and his breath hitting your lips. His eyes closed.
Finally, you decided to ask what has been bothering you. “Are the rumours true?” His green sharp eyes opened and looked at you. “Which of the many?” He asked, studying you. “Political marriage.” You said weakly. You felt terrible doubting him, he might be by your side now but you needed to be sure.
"There has been some pressure for it." He confirmed matter of fact, his voice detached. "But I am still my own man."
You sighed relieved until he asked you, “Who was the man accompanying you?” Your breath hitched and you looked at him. “Ulfr.” You whispered. “My parents have promised him my hand in marriage.” You explained, not being able to look at him.
"Is that how you got yourself to the ball?" He asked, curious.
You nodded. “I used his eagerness to please me to get us there.” Your wide eyes looked at him. “I had to see… I had to know.” He pressed his thumb against your lips, shushing your words as he cradled your jaw. “Now you know.”
He pushed your jaw back and he looked intently at you. “Has he touched you?”
"He… stole me a kiss." You said meekly. His grip tightened, jealousy of you spending time with another man bubbling inside of him. "No other man shall ever touch you. Have I made myself clear?"
You nodded, your body burning for him. His control, intoxicating. “You belong to me.” He whispered laying your body down in the bed and you gave yourself to him again without a thought.
He finally left with the promise of coming back. “Dream of me.” He said cheekily.
When Loki made his official appearance at your house, a whole cavalry following him, your parent’s were baffled. They bowed to their King. He announced his plans of taking your hand into marriage. Of making you his Queen. Your parents were shocked but now the profit of this interlude cunning into their minds until he told them they would have no rights and neither would be moving to court giving how they had treated his now betrothed. They begged for his forgiveness, but Loki was hardly known as a merciful King.
As you laid on his bed covered in furs, candles lighting the room warmly, after a long evening of honey mooning. His hand lazily fondled your naked body while you caressed his hair.
"What are we going to do about the protests that is certain to come?" You asked.
"I’m sure you and I can tame the realms together." He smirked and you couldn’t help but smile too.
"Now, let me show you how much I adore you." He said as he leaned against your lips, his hand traveling down your thigh. The night still young and eager to make up for the time left.